SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is November 20th, 2018, 3:38pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
October OWC Who Wrote What and Writers Choice
And the Hyper Epic pick is...

The Night Gallery 7WC Scripts

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Niner - Filmed Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Niner - Filmed  (currently 5706 views)
Don
Posted: September 10th, 2011, 6:26pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
12561
Posts Per Day
1.93
Niner by Eric Dickson - Thriller - An offbeat cop harbors and blackmails "The Christmas Eve Killer" 132 pages - pdf, format

++++++++++++

Niner (132 page thriller in pdf format) by Eric Dickson.

An offbeat cop harbors and blackmails "The Christmas Eve Killer".


Niner (2014) - a feature length film from Grant Pichla on Vimeo.





Discuss this script on the Discussion Board




Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (6 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  August 3rd, 2016, 7:53pm
Logged
Site Private Message
stevemiles
Posted: November 4th, 2011, 6:27pm Report to Moderator
Green



Posts
673
Posts Per Day
0.25
Eric,

so I read this through.  From the log-line it sounded interesting.  On the strength of the opening farmhouse scenes I wanted to see where it went.  It was a nice set-up.  The syrupy pie and singsong family xmas interrupted by the brooding thugs, simple but effective.  You really want to know why they did it and see these guys get their comeuppance.    

One thing that’s really going to hurt feedback though is the lack of page numbers.  Without numbering it’s difficult to point out specific places in the narrative.   That said, I generally liked the concept.  Format wise, it started out fairly lean and concise and kept me reading.  The dialogue flowed well for the most part, though in some of the longer exposition scenes it started to feel a little forced/wordy.  I’m thinking the Carly/Niner exchange at Niner’s place on Xmas eve in particular.  

With this kind of story, crime/thriller, plausibility is key.  When Carly decided to check out  Abby’s family home it just didn’t make sense.  She’s an ER nurse/doctor, who decides to investigate a potential crime scene.  Perhaps if She were acquainted with the Samms family and not the OB nurse this could work.  As it is She’s no business going out there.

As the story went on Carly honestly didn’t seem to do much but serve as moral counterweight to Niner’s questionable actions.  She’s introduced as almost a main character, but flits in and out with very little to do but serve as exposition to his past and raise an eyebrow whenever she hears about him in the news.  There’s no romance between them and very little emotional tie.

There were a few small, though significant, instances where you lost me as to the believability of your main character:

Niner’s cigarette tossed on the lawn, no detective, no matter how maverick would contaminate a murder crime scene.

Police could trace calls too and from cell phones.  They could find out Abby’s phone was used after the murder to contact Trent.  Niner would know this.

Then the conversation in the captain’s office:

‘the I-phone I retrieved from the counter was my own’.  He’s admitting taking a phone from the counter, but offers no explanation as to why it was there in the first place.  These things may seem trivial, but in the world you’ve created they stand out.

One line of action that caught my eye:

‘In runs a hopping mad Mr. Mabry, he peeks his head in the door’

Is he in or outside the room?  Also (maybe just me on this one) ‘peeking’ infers shyness, a fairly meek action.  But we’ve been told he’s hopping mad.

I like the idea of Niner using the murder to his advantage, that’s a good angle, and the one I felt should have been at the very fore of the story.

Maybe make more of the crime itself.  This is the defining moment of the story yet it just kind of fades into the background.  It’s horrific and seemingly quite motiveless.  In fact we never really got the depth of the motive other than Trent the rat, owed Bobby six bodies...  Also why bury the bodies if you don’t clean the crime scene?  

Re-read the logline.  I understand what you were getting at.  Yet it forms a small element of the plot and the idea of ‘harboring a fugitive’ conjures a different scenario from the one presented by the narrative.    

The story seemed to branch out into too many threads.  Some characters come and go with little development to make them engage with the plot.  I liked the two cops (Dees and Crowe) trying to make sense of it all.  The courtroom (though it could be trimmed) and Calvin’s degenerate household were both elements that worked well.  These scenes were nicely described and engaging.  Other things such as Uncle Steve, Carly and her housemate, seemed to take us away from the main story.

Please don’t take this as being overly negative.  There’s elements of a dark, tense, crime drama in here.  One that could benefit from being trimmed (not necessarily shortened) and adjusted to make it more plausible.  Some threads seemed to stray from the real story of a detective using the perpetrators of an horrific crime to cover his own misdeeds and getting justice for the victims in the process.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 1 - 18
Jack
Posted: November 4th, 2011, 10:27pm Report to Moderator
Purple



Location
Orlando, FL
Posts
239
Posts Per Day
0.06
Thanks for your thoughtful notes.  I wrote Niner on a non-stop one month bender, then exhausted another five or six re-writes.  I've decided to let it be for awhile before I tackle another rewrite.  One other writer is giving it a try and made a lot of the same suggestions as you.  Fixing motive for the killings, trimming the beginning, bringing Carly more to the forefront.

You mentioned why they left a huge mess at the house.  Bobby and Jason didn't know anything about Abby still being alive.  After she escaped, they fled the scene before they could doctor the scene and cover their tracks.

Abby should finish her shift before going to the Samms, and she did, but I never mentioned it in the script as I should.  How many ER episodes did Carol hathaway run off and track down patients?  I guess that was the inspiration for the story, watching an old ER episode.  But it should be more clear that Carly's shift was over.

As far as Carly, I didn't know how to keep her throughout the script without making it 170 pages.  There's just so much going on.  So I decided to use that character as a break from the other story, so every once in awhile, we go back to see the affect these murders have had on her and Abby.  Something to make us feel a bit dirty for siding with Niner.  

But I didn't want too much of them because it would take too much away from Niner.  He would no longer be the chief protagonist, Carly would.  I thought it was more important to stay with him.  To see the story through his eyes.  So we're more likely to side with him, or feel sorry for his tough situation.  

I also loved the simplicity of her reading the newspaper headlines every time Niner pulls one of his tricks.  Just enough of a good thing.  I think Carly foiling the crime is a bit too obvious and cliche.  In the first draft, she does figure him out and actually shoots him in self defense.  I might go back to this ending, but I do think it's the more obvious one.

But there should be a little more of her in the story.  But not too much.

I'm taking a lot of the complaints and suggestions I've received on Niner as a compliment.  It means the story works to some degree and holds your interest.  Im just glad that its a solid enough story to warrant a rewrite.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 18
Electric Dreamer
Posted: November 12th, 2011, 11:49am Report to Moderator
Yellow


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2861
Posts Per Day
0.95
Hello Eric,

Congrats on being voted the Screenplay of the Month.
Though I must admit it seems odd getting chosen with zero posts on the thread.

However, I thought I'd take a gander at this all the same.
Hopefully, we'll see more of you contributing to the forums.

I have seen this script banging around the Amazon Studios competitions.
I'll take notes as I go and sum up with a few thoughts.

P. 3  BECCA
          God, doesn’t this song ever end?

        Admittedly, I was thinking the same thing.
        Nearly three pages dedicated to family intro while they sing that song.
        You can milk that for about thirty seconds max, IMO.
        Dedicating three minutes of screen time to that song will not fly.

P. 7  General thoughts. Why are there no page numbers on this script?
        The stage directions are very overwritten for my tastes.
        I feel like a dog pulling at the end of a leash with a slow human holding it.
        Keep wanting to move forward, but all the little details are slowing me down.
        All the extreme detailed movements of the characters prohibit a brisk pace.

P. 8  The thug has a .50 caliber in his belt? Whoa.
        That caliber is typically reserved for sniper rifles these days.
        And I don't think he has one of those tucked into his pants.
        Though there is a Desert Eagle model that is manufactured at that caliber.
        Why not just say a Desert Eagle tucked in his pants? Most know that name.

P. 9  Ferrin violently throws his hostage to the couch.
        Becca breaks into tears at the sight of this. Richard’s face is overcome with rage.
        
It's this level of reaction detail that prevents the story from hitting its stride.
        Do I really need you to tell me all those reactions to move through your story?
        They are pretty common reactions to an armed home invasion.

P. 12  Abby wakes up on the bathroom floor hours later?
         So the thieves didn't check all the rooms when they took over the house?
         I thought they knew the entire family. Wouldn't they account for that?
         These thieves are not very competent at keeping hostages in order.

P. 13  Abby searches the house after being drugged in total silence?
         That seems weird. She doesn't call out to anyone once for a full page.

P. 14  Abby never asks Trent what happened to the family?
         She just accepts that she should run away?
         I don't buy that behavior for a second.
         She doesn't ask about her family and just runs away.
         Doesn't anyone have a cell phone in this family?

P. 15  Your lead protag's intro has some decent dialogue.

I'm stopping here for now.
If you're a regular contributing member here, I'll gladly continue.

Overall, I felt the script is overwritten. It's something most struggle with.
It can rear it's ugly head at anytime, even after you learn to write lean pages.

Your story hasn't started yet, it's mostly a jumble of overwritten reactions.
Honestly, I think you can condense the home invasion to five pages.

Read some scripts here on SS written by active veterans.
You can learn to write an efficient script here, if you put in the time and effort.

Hope this helps. Keep writing and rewriting.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 18
Electric Dreamer
Posted: November 15th, 2011, 10:49am Report to Moderator
Yellow


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2861
Posts Per Day
0.95
Eric,

I tool a look at your resume, congrats on your successes.
Jeff Conaway's last film credit. Always remembered him from Taxi and Babylon 5.

I'll pick this up on page 15 this morning.

P. 16  Doesn't make much sense to me that the Mabrys didn't call the cops.
         Abby shows up on their doorstep and they just give her a ride?
         Why wouldn't they call the police out of concern for the family?
         At least call the house, find out what's going on would make sense.

P. 19  Two and half pages of hitting on a nurse by your hero.
         It's a lot of time expended for something that could be condensed.
         Why not make it a couple of lines, then Niner gets interrupted by the plot.
         He tries to continue, but the nurse uses that as an excuse to leave.
         Niner's all "to be continued" grinning about the pass at the nurse.
         As written, Niner is pretty much a long winded jerk to the nurse.
         A few tweaks and drastically shorten it up, it could be charming.

P. 20  A doctor states the Mabrys found Abby along the road.
         It's confusing as written, why not show us Abby along the road?
         I thought the Mabrys were the neighbors.
         Besides, showing us Abby on the street is more interesting than a doctor chat.
         Show us, don't always tell us. Let us see a borderline comatose Abby.

P. 22  These large blocks of expository dialogue kill narrative flow in a script.
        
         CARLY
          
          They're sending out a car as soon as they can. Whenever the hell that means.
          The cops are with her now. They can’t even get her to talk. Something’s wrong.
          I’m headed out there now. By the way, my car won’t start. You’re driving.
          Consider it an early Christmas present.


        A nurse takes it on herself to investigate a crime?
        And her car won't start, so she drafts the obnoxious detective to help.
        She just met this guy ten minutes ago.

I think that's about it for me, especially with no back and forth with the author.
With dialogue like this, it's hard for me to get into your script.
Blobs of exposition like this make it hard for me to suspend disbelief.

Hope these notes help. Best of luck. Keep writing and rewriting.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 18
Jack
Posted: February 13th, 2012, 10:17am Report to Moderator
Purple



Location
Orlando, FL
Posts
239
Posts Per Day
0.06
You wanna tackle a rewrite?  I know a dead horse when I beat one.  I've done so many drafts of this thing and I still can't pull it together.  I think I'm just tired of it and tired of doing so many rewrites for the competition.  I do see the problem areas you're suggesting, but I'm too burnt to start another draft.  

I'm gonna lay this one down awhile before I fix some of these areas.  Most are telling me the hospital scene needs a drastic rewrite, fixing Carly's motivations and bringing her more to the forefront of the story.  I can also see how the opening sequence drags and needs punched up.  I'll wait awhile and start the next draft when the mood hits.  Since then, I've rewritten another and finished another new script.  

Niner was the first script I've attempted in three years.  You can see me struggle with the descriptions and the formatting.  

I've been off simplyscripts for awhile (personal life) but would like to get active again. Thank you for your notes.

Eric D.  
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 18
Jack
Posted: March 16th, 2012, 3:00pm Report to Moderator
Purple



Location
Orlando, FL
Posts
239
Posts Per Day
0.06
A new draft should be up in a few days.  I still can't figure out what to do with Carly without making this script 150 pages.  With the rewrite, I focused more on the relationship between Niner and Abby.  

I trimmed the format like crazy and still added ten pages to this thing with all the new scenes and play by play between Abby and Niner.  I thought it was missing before.  

I'm waiting to hear back on a review of the new draft.  If it's negative, I'm gonna let this dog die.  Or maybe bring another writer on board.    
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 18
Jack
Posted: March 21st, 2012, 1:18pm Report to Moderator
Purple



Location
Orlando, FL
Posts
239
Posts Per Day
0.06
I tried to re upload the new draft but it got screwed up.  I give up.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 18
Jack
Posted: March 29th, 2012, 10:41am Report to Moderator
Purple



Location
Orlando, FL
Posts
239
Posts Per Day
0.06
http://studios.amazon.com/scripts/14320

Here's the link to the new draft.  For some reason, the link here isn't working and it's still the first draft. [fixed.  bert]

I made a lot of suggested changes.

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
bert  -  March 29th, 2012, 10:58am
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 18
Jack
Posted: April 18th, 2012, 9:38pm Report to Moderator
Purple



Location
Orlando, FL
Posts
239
Posts Per Day
0.06
Just got contacted by a student at Central Michigan.  Niner's gonna be a feature thesis film.  Basically,  "a test film" to be loaded on Amazon when complete.  After fourteen drafts, I'm glad Niner is getting somewhere.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 18
Jack
Posted: November 13th, 2013, 2:10pm Report to Moderator
Purple



Location
Orlando, FL
Posts
239
Posts Per Day
0.06
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 18
Demento
Posted: November 13th, 2013, 8:44pm Report to Moderator
Green



Posts
838
Posts Per Day
0.45
^^^

The poster looks a lot like the poster for the Liam Neeson movie, Taken.

http://smhttp.14409.nexcesscdn.net/806D5E/wordpress-L/images/taken-poster-dark-fullsize.jpg

Did you have a chance to view the final movie? Are you happy with it? For a budget of 12k, it seems ok, production wise from the trailer.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 11 - 18
Dustin
Posted: November 14th, 2013, 2:48am Report to Moderator
Blue


Action speaks louder than dialogue.

Posts
4814
Posts Per Day
2.48
Congratulations mate. I'll take a look at this when I get chance. Hopefully this helps you move on to better things.


*edit* OK, took a look at the trailer. It looks so-so. My main gripe is the acting. Niner could have been better cast. He doesn't look entirely comfortable and this is just the trailer. Of course none of that is your fault. I actually like the sound of the story and I think I'd rather read your script than watch the film.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 18
Jack
Posted: November 14th, 2013, 2:23pm Report to Moderator
Purple



Location
Orlando, FL
Posts
239
Posts Per Day
0.06

Quoted from Demento
^^^

The poster looks a lot like the poster for the Liam Neeson movie, Taken.

http://smhttp.14409.nexcesscdn.net/806D5E/wordpress-L/images/taken-poster-dark-fullsize.jpg

Did you have a chance to view the final movie? Are you happy with it? For a budget of 12k, it seems ok, production wise from the trailer.


Yeah, it's definitely a Taken ripoff just by the poster, and they admit it.  Luckily the story is nothing like it.  I'm definitely happy, considering that these are college kids and they've chosen a two hour courtroom drama as a thesis project.  After thirteen drafts, I'm just happy anyone took some interest in it.  

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 18
Jack
Posted: November 14th, 2013, 2:28pm Report to Moderator
Purple



Location
Orlando, FL
Posts
239
Posts Per Day
0.06

Quoted from Dustin
Congratulations mate. I'll take a look at this when I get chance. Hopefully this helps you move on to better things.


*edit* OK, took a look at the trailer. It looks so-so. My main gripe is the acting. Niner could have been better cast. He doesn't look entirely comfortable and this is just the trailer. Of course none of that is your fault. I actually like the sound of the story and I think I'd rather read your script than watch the film.


Around 90% of the cast are friends of the director and drama students at Central Michigan.  Most are fairly young and are doing their first movie.  I've only scene snippets here and there of Dave Giles and he totally nails a lot of the character quirks.  I can't complain.  It's a far better effort than I could ever do considering their budget and lack of resources.

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 18
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Thriller Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006