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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2016 OWC  ›  Solitare - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Solitare - OWC  (currently 3132 views)
CameronD
Posted: January 25th, 2016, 3:39pm Report to Moderator
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This is a pretty lean script in terms of descriptions and I like that. I think Patience would be a better title considering it's what Randy calls Solitaire, and although I see why Solitaire was picked I think patience would work equally well.

That said, this little story has not much of an arc. No conflict of any sort. Randy goes through his daily solitary routine and happens to luck onto a date with the waitress. Besides showing up late, there are no problems with the date, and they get along well at the end. It's rather boring.

I think starting off by establishing Randy is a vet, and separated from his daughter would help the plot instead of keeping it as a reveal for the end. Establish his character a bit more, set up his story some. Have him earn a date with the waitress instead of her falling into his lap. Something more has to happen on the date besides her just being late.

Sorry, there just isn't much of a story here. And what is, is pretty cliche. Down on his luck guy lucks into girl etc.

Maybe flip it around? Have the waitress be the lonely one and see this story from a woman's perspective? You don't see that as much. Maybe have the ex call on the date and Randy chooses to hang up on her to focus on the waitress? (ahem, Swingers)


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rendevous
Posted: January 25th, 2016, 7:00pm Report to Moderator
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I liked the writing. Got a certain quality to it, like my dancing.

Chutes and Ladders? We obviously move in very different circles.

Meandered along quite nicely. I was gonna complain about the ending, but it's growing on me. About the best I've read so far. Now, I'll be over there practicing me moves in the corner.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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LC
Posted: January 25th, 2016, 10:00pm Report to Moderator
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Terrific final line which clinches it for me as a fine read... great engineering of the perfect sweet spot via a final line of dialogue.

However, that's the reading part. On screen I don't think there'd be enough story and I'd be likely to say: what, is that it? And feel disappointed.

I'm of two minds but I think to make this story great/satisfying, we need to see Amy having difficulty getting to Randy - and intercut with Randy watching the clock, looking sad, forlorn etc. Regardless there needs to be more 'shown' drama imh, as at the moment everything is after the fact, and she 'explains' it all.

It was lovely to read and subtle in its approach, you've definitely got writing chops, but gimme just a bit more in the middle. You did have another three pages.

One little nitpick: 'It's pretty 'entailed' doesn't read right to me. Did you mean 'detailed'? Something can entail a lot, but otherwise 'it's pretty detailed'. JMH.

Really enjoyed this one.


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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: January 25th, 2016, 11:27pm Report to Moderator
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Thought to myself during the read - title change - "Patience". But I like "Solitare" better because it fitting of Randy. Speaking of Randy, I also thought to myself during the read that Randy could be the best character of this OWC.

He's a true loner and, unlike other workaholics who pride themselves in shitwork, Randy does it to kill the time - Solitare personified. In turn, this gives Amy the shoe-in to catch the reader slightly off guard. Their exchange at the diner was a welcome one, and wouldn't have worked if Randy gave a hint of lowering his callused poise.

I won't say I didn't like the end, because it's clearly obvious this was the only conclusion the writer ever intended for the story. However, the introduction of a new game felt forced for two reasons 1) it's a extreme shift in tone 2) it exist to set up the last line of dialogue. Yes, Chutes and Ladders was tied into Amy's metaphor of life, but I feel this could be achieved with another game.

This was also notably well written, and a pleasure to read from my comments above. There's a few filmable shorts so far in this OWC, and this is one of them hands down. Outstanding!
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DustinBowcot
Posted: January 26th, 2016, 3:54am Report to Moderator
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Code

Several workers perform their tasks...



Who else's tasks would they be performing? Even if it were allocated to somebody else and they were doing it, it would still be their task now.

What are they anyway? Kitchen workers? I've worked in kitchens plenty of times. I've fixed electrics, put up walls, false ceilings... Never as a cook or a cleaner.

Code

RANDY
Patience.



Where I come from (and I've played a lot of cards) Patience was the name we used when playing Solitaire with two or more players.

Code

It's Amy, wearing a pretty
black dress and a sweater.



A sweater? Here, sweaters are jumpers. Not usually the type of thing a woman would wear with a dress.
Code

AMY
Oh my God, Randy... I am so sorry.



Don't worry about it... it's only a sweater. We can soon get that off
Code

He pushes open the door for her.



Who else would he pushing open the door for? Be very careful of this type of overwriting.

Code

She steps in and immediately
surveys her surroundings.



Obviously it is immediate because she does it right away. Immediately is unnecessary.

This script needs an edit. I'm not going to point out any more. Juts be aware that this type of thing is throughout the script.

Code

RANDY
Yea, if you want to. I'll have to get
a deck of cards. It's a one player
game, but I can...



How selfish. There are rules for two or more players. I've played quite a lot of cards in my life, far more than most. Cribbage is one of my favourites because it takes calculation as well as luck. Sometimes, calculation beats luck. I was going to write a story about Gin Rummy, the title would have been Djinn Rummy. But aside from the pun, I didn't get any other ideas.

This one has taken ages to build up. This could have started with the waitress ringing the doorbell and the characters meeting at his flat/apartment. So the first 5 pages aren't needed.

Now we're on snakes and ladders.

Code

RANDY
They say this game mimics life.
Ladders, chutes. Up, down. Everything
by chance.



Wow, this guy is so deep <<< sarcasm.

Code

AMY
You really believe that? That
everything in life happens by chance?



Well, I suppose they suit each other.

Ew... a crappy romance. After all that. I'm really disappointed. I read through all of that, for that. Not impressed.
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wonkavite
Posted: January 28th, 2016, 10:35am Report to Moderator
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AND... I think I might know who wrote this one!  One of the breeziest, slickest reads I've read this OWC.  Beautifully done - a simple, heartfelt drama.  Definitely a recommendation in my book.

It's also the very first submission that I don't have a single typo note for.  My only rec at all - maybe even make Randy seem even more lonely.  Though you already do a great job at that.  Kudos!!  ))
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PrussianMosby
Posted: January 29th, 2016, 10:26am Report to Moderator
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Solitaire

Skillfull presented slow drama.

Some edges of the characters could be developed further; although I like it the way it is, especially for its patience with storytelling.

B+



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Pale Yellow
Posted: January 29th, 2016, 12:53pm Report to Moderator
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This was well written.

The characters were likable. The dialogue between them was almost perfect IMO.

The only beef I have is that it was slow like a lot of dramas and I do not think the end paid off for me.

Almost needed more expo or something. Or some contrast...ups and downs..jerk the audience around with hope and let downs or laughter and tears.

Great writing on display here ...someone who's mastered the craft for sure.

Good job.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: January 29th, 2016, 1:04pm Report to Moderator
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We call solitaire patiens in Swedish too, so I knew what that was.

I thought this was was well written and the dialogue was good, but the story was just a little too...not sure what the word is here. If I were to explain it with colors, I would say it was some sort of gray. IMHO, it was a mistake to not work the daughter info a little more. I wanted to know why he's considered not ready to meet his daughter yet. Ah, now I know what I meant with gray. There was no drama/conflict here really. The script needs to make me feel something. No matter how well written, I want some sort of experience from a story. Something to remember it by.

So, good job, even if it didn't have any effect on me.


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