Survival Mentality by Anonymous - Short, Thriller - Constable Ross ends up in the fight for her life while attending a reported home invasion. 9 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

I'm increasingly of the opinion that you can tell a serious writer from their title alone.

This is a decent one. I'm expecting a good fight for survival.

It was well written, the opening felt real, the tension in the house was good...

...then it started to fall apart, to be brutally honest.

It seemed extremely fortuitous that this cop just happened to be the one that was sent here, and all without even a partner. It was a bit of a leap.

Overall the story felt a bit weak. It's just too simple, with not enough going on. Practically the whole story is just one fight.

Good writer, but not a good story to be perfectly blunt. Sorry, bud.

So, it's not terrible, if not a little overwrought at times. It's OK, to be honest. A simple woman scorned type of story with a brunette cop and a blonde wife crying at home.

I would have actually preferred Constable Ross going there to kill Gwen instead of coming to her rescue. Or them orchestrating a takedown of the husband or maybe having their own affair also. The motivations are so erratic.

Because, if they both knew....whoo...the only ass that would be grass is his.

So, maybe re-work this a little.

I think this one suffers from coincidence and Gwen's convenient planning.  It might work better if Gwen can angle Ross into shooting the hub.  Then, Gwen tells the other police that Ross executed hub, and Gwen had to protect herself?  Revenge is a dish best served cold?

Nicely contained and focused.

You arrive late - that's a compliment- and get down to business

However, the lack of backstory means we have no connection to the main episode.

Lots of positives but probably needed all the pages to,pull this off with meaning.

The coincidence of the constable should be an easy fix.

Was the right story told here? Shouldn't Gwen and Ross be pissed at Gwen's husband? Oh... got it.

Pythons are not generally thought of as ferocious. Relentless is more like it. The GWEN and ROSS would have been acceptable as character names rather than GWEN STANLEY  (WATTERS?) and CONSTABLE ROSS repeated over their dialogue umpteen times. And if Gwen cuts Ross's hand, why is her forearm cut?

A little avoidance of the female perspective?

Not bad. A few orphans, "breathe"/"breath," and I would have shortened the character names above dialogue.

My only big problem was the confusing subplot. How does anybody know of this affair? It's one thing to make your reader/audience guess, but to leave them out of the loop concerning an important subplot and turn everything into a confusing mess... is another thing. If you're gonna leave things to the audience, at least give them some clue as to what's going on.

Overall, a pretty good effort; not too shabby.

Overall, the premise is a good one - but I think the coincidence needs to be worked on (i.e., this Officer just happened to show up at this house at this time).

The descriptions were over done and tedious in some places:

Quoted Text The shrill scream of a woman from inside the house pierces through the air like sharp nails scraping down a chalkboard.

Quoted Text Constable Ross shuffles through the hallway with cat like precision, her firearm always at the ready.

Quoted Text Fading, Ross reaches behind her head, flailing her hands at her attacker like a fish out of water fighting for its last breath.

Nails on a chalkboard, cat like, fish out of water - these are pretty tired metaphors - do more harm then good and are not really needed.

I liked the intro to this but then some things started to jar a little... police person on their own, a  brit cop with a firearm etc...

Some of the description needs a little work, e.g.  shuffles through the hallway with cat like precision - ignoring the fact that it's a little prosey... cats don't really shuffle, I'd go so far as to say that no one shuffles with precision.

But the script moves well and the action is well described too... decent effort,

It seems okay.  It's unusual the police officer was on her own.  In Britain a female cop isn't allowed to go on her own without a male officer to accompany her if it's a call out.  Not sure if America is similar.  If this is set in the U.S. do police officers attend crime scenes on their own?  Do they work on their own?

I wonder how Gwen knows that Ross is working locally, is working on that particular day/night, can show up at her place the quickest, and this person she doesn't like, somehow works in her area.  It does require a leap of Hollywood faith.

With that being said, I do like some films that make no sense that are entertaining, and this story was fair.  I'd say this entry is somewhere in the middle.

All the best,

Javier

Bit of a mixed bag this one.

It's short and sweet, straight down to it with no messing around. I had kinda guessed early doors what was going on, but that didn't really detract from the overall piece.

The pacing seemed to work, and there was certainly a lot of tension which was well constructed, but it just felt like it was lacking something. Maybe it need a couple of more steps before Gwen revealed herself, not sure.

Anyway, decent enough effort.

Cam

Last read for me...I think.

Well, "Constable" and "en-suite bathroom" let us know we're in Europe or we're dealing with a non American writer.

Out of 4 passages over 1 line on Page 1, 2 are left in orphans.

Most of Page 1 is a waste, really, and at only 8 pages, this has me worried. Way to many wrylies and they continue onto Page 2 - you're just eating up lines for no reason,

The cliche descriptors don't come off well...and really, never will.  Avoid these in the future.

2 more orphans on Page 2.

"FRONT DOOR" is a common mistake, used as a Slug.  he's not "in" the front door.  She's in the entry or whatever other name that means the same thing, but not "front door".  And this becomes more clear, as you have her climbing the stairs in this same Slug heading.

Page 3 - 1st passage ends in "the room", which is basically yet another orphan.

"drawers" and "its" do not go hand and hand.

And yet another orphan!  Dude...seriously, you're wasting so much space, which means there really isn't much here.

As so many peeps get wrong, in dialogue, you must set off all names or anything used as a name with a comma(s).

"cat-like precision" huh?  Oh boy...lose these descriptors!!!

Oh man...now like a python squeezing its food?  C'mon...I can't even take this seriously with these.

"like a fish out of water fighting for its last  breath." - Classic...Classic example of an absolutely terrible description and because of it, another orphan.

Notice on Page 5 how you called your Protag "Ross" for the 1st time.  Up till now, you've been calling her "Constable Ross" over and over.  You need to keep it the same throughout and "Ross" is the way to go here.

A knife just slashed her hand, yet it leaves a cut on her forearm?  How does that work?

Another orphan!!!  I feel so bad for these little tykes!!!

OK, no more detailed notes.

So, all of a sudden Ross understands who Gwen is?  How?  Why didn't she know at first?  How did Gwen set this up so Ross wold be the sole responder?  Doesn't make any sense and is so far from being remotely believable.

Such a simple genre to work with.  Seems to me you didn't give this much thought.  Some will probably say it's well written, but it's not, which is too bad, as it appears you can write quite well, but your use of so many old cliches, overwriting, orphans just shoot down the talent you do possess.

Sorry to be harsh, but this is my last read and I was hoping for so much more.    

I liked the set-up but got really confused whether the Constable knew Gwen when they first met or had the epiphany once Gwen started beating on her. She all of a sudden knew who she was up against at that point. A lot of loose threads on this story and unrealistic situations. Perhaps a small town Mayberry, UK?

Good pace and tension, just too many distractions.

No names in loglines.  At that point no one cares about the character’s name.

Page 5, since nothing is really gripping me so far, I’m making a pointless prediction.  

“Mrs. Watters” was actually the criminal here pretending to be the homeowner.

Yeah, ok.  Good.

This is like the 5th or 6th script with the word “cunt” in it.  I’m no prude, but it seems like men really think women constantly call each other “cunts.”

Overall, this was pretty straight forward.  Not the worst.  Wife got the cop she wanted, and almost took care of her husband’s side piece.  I liked the fact you had the antagonist pretend to be innocent.  To me, that’s a really good technique that I think about be utilized more often in stories.  I once wrote a cornball story about a guy who pretends to be a thief when another thief breaks into his house, and they ends up “splitting” the goods.  It sucked, but I always liked that approach.  That small scene reminded me of that for some reason.  No one cares though.

This wasn’t terrible.  Not a big fan of the title.

Quoted Text This is like the 5th or 6th script with the word “cunt” in it.  I’m no prude, but it seems like men really think women constantly call each other “cunts.”

Why are you one of the few who understands this???????

First up this needs a SUPER somewhere to tell us what country its in! Or at least something like the actual name of a familiar town or city. It could've been set in Australia as police are Constables here.  So easy to do but a few perps do it a bit.

I'd read most of the comments before i read the script so knew there was an unlikely twist. What is going on with the WATTERS/GWEN STANLEY thing? Should be just GWEN, you don't need a surname.

As Rick said this was pretty well written but lost its way severely. Mayhaps the old 'running out of time before submit' scenario?

Could be decent with a rewrite.

Actually, I think some women, depending on their background/environment and whether or not they're in a psychotic rage or not will definitely use the word 'cunt'. I've seen it and 'bitch' used in some of these OWC entries where I thought it didn't fit at all and was just lazy or an inappropriate choice, or meant to come across as funny. But in this story, 'I'm buying it in that line, at least.

The problem as I see it is that you've got all the expletives in successive lines as opposed to other choices of dialogue this character might elect to use. It's overkill imh. Unless she's truly psychotic, a wronged person usually wants a proper explanation, wants to punish, threaten, torture emotionally etc.

Not a bad story. You started it right in the middle of the drama, no preamble, which has your audience tuned in straight away. And I didn't pick the midpoint twist. Well done with that, and it's pretty much action all the way.

Cops always come in pairs where I come from. Sometimes two pairs.

The coincidence angle does need working on. Make it clever. No suggestions from me at this point.

Good title and logline

P5 the twist doesn't feel perfectly developed yet, the vague construction is there though.
Her direct understanding and confession as a reaction to merely a "You bitch" is quite quick - you could work on this part. It's always tricky to build a connection between an off-screen plot we haven't seen and the live-happenings the viewer receives. It's a bit abrupt here, unbalanced also in case of a reaction towards a physical attack. Doesn't matter - You can fix that easily.

You have an entertaining fight but Gwen obviously chose a complicated way to kill Ross. I think this could work better if the original rope kill accidentally does not work. F.i. Gwen "somehow" pulls her up to a beam; she hangs, but the rope tears, giving Ross a chance to fight back. Her plan should be bulletproof, at least "look" and "feel" bulletproof.

Entertaining! With regards to the plotting f.i. the generic, rather thin ending that tells us that the husband lies there somewhere - the choreography of the fight truly overshadowed that weakness and ruled the script properly.  

You start late which is good but there's a hell of coincidental setup that I just didn't buy. Cop on her own, this particular cop being the one in the precise area when the call comes in, backup just far enough away to not arrive in time. This can easily be fixed.

The writing is good in that I understood clearly what was going on but not so good from a screenplay point of view as it is overwritten. Again, easily fixed with a polish and very understandable for a OWC.

For example, "She grips her gun with both hands in a ready position. She’s ready to pounce at the slightest indication of trouble." You show us what Gwen is ready to do (which is correct) but then you waste an extra line telling us what we already know from her actions. This is fine for prose, screenplays need to be leaner.  

The twist needs work as it comes out of left field. Ross doesn't show any recognition of the address or of Gwen when she meets her. This is where backstory is sorely missing, we should know at this point what is going on to raise the tension.

As for the story itself, straightforward but sometimes simple is fine.

So a decent start for this OWC, but needs a lot of work for me.  

-Mark

The title doesn't fit in my op - it suggest a story of struggle and survival but it's a simple story of revenge I'd say.

Well done but I'd need more info about the girls to care for them. The twist - she killed her husband and used an intricate lie to get Ross in - works but like I said this needs more I think.

I'm gonna give this some fictional license, but it does seem like the most sensible thing for Ross to do would be to lock herself in with the victim and wait for backup to arrive.

The twist needs more setup than this. Like what if Ross, before getting the call, is seen leaving a message that sounds like she's breaking up with her boyfriend over “lies” and ‘it not being right’. That's at least a little groundwork that makes the twist feel less out of nowhere.

I think it'd be better if Ross found the husband. Maybe you did it this way for the challenge, I can't remember whether a dead body was regarded as a character. It wouldn't be in my book. I think the twist may have landed a little better if Ross finds the husband’s body (despite Gwen saying he's out of town) and immediately knows what's up. Cue fight to the death.

Other reviewers noted the problem with Ross being on her own and conveniently in the area. One possible solution, definitely a post-challenge one, would be to have the husband be Ross’ partner and be in on the setup, presumably to placate his psychotic wife. A lot of the contrivances melt away if Ross’ cop car is being driven by a co-conspirator.

What's here is decently executed at least. The characters and situation felt real at the start. So I have no doubt this can be reworked with the notes into something much stronger.

Quoted from EWall433 I'm gonna give this some fictional license, but it does seem like the most sensible thing for Ross to do would be to lock herself in with the victim and wait for backup to arrive. The twist needs more setup than this. Like what if Ross, before getting the call, is seen leaving a message that sounds like she's breaking up with her boyfriend over “lies” and ‘it not being right’. That's at least a little groundwork that makes the twist feel less out of nowhere. I think it'd be better if Ross found the husband. Maybe you did it this way for the challenge, I can't remember whether a dead body was regarded as a character. It wouldn't be in my book. I think the twist may have landed a little better if Ross finds the husband’s body (despite Gwen saying he's out of town) and immediately knows what's up. Cue fight to the death. Other reviewers noted the problem with Ross being on her own and conveniently in the area. One possible solution, definitely a post-challenge one, would be to have the husband be Ross’ partner and be in on the setup, presumably to placate his psychotic wife. A lot of the contrivances melt away if Ross’ cop car is being driven by a co-conspirator. What's here is decently executed at least. The characters and situation felt real at the start. So I have no doubt this can be reworked with the notes into something much stronger.

IMO, this works much better than what you have written.  Let the story play out the same way.

A big issue is:  At the beginning you say they are STILL in the house, meaning that the cop was already there.  You should use that as some reveal like she planned this out, just waiting for the correct day.

SPOILERS

Also, you have the cop realize far too quickly that she's the mistress with Gwen's husband.  It was far too tidy.  You should play off the confusion.  

Also, the room that the dead husband was found in, wasn't the cop in there?

You know what might work well?  Have the cop stay with Gwen.  Have the cop secure the other side of the room (that opens up into another bedroom) and find the dead body.  She realizes it as the guy she was dating.  She can call out OMG, Harry's dead.

Then Gwen says something like His name isn't Harry, it's Bob and he was my husband until you started fucking him.  

I'd like to also comment on the "cunt" usage.  It has been used a lot in this OWC.  I know women can be cruel and each time it was used was in a total fit of rage, but, the average woman would never call another woman this, except in a total betrayal.  It is a word to be wary of.

Good luck,

Dan

This entry does suffer from inconsistencies, but I like its spirit. There's action, a story line, an attempt at revenge that's clever and logical, and some suspense. My advice to the writer is to stay with this, rethink the scenes and listen to a lot of the suggestions.
I think I agree with Richard R. about setting up Ross to kill the husband. that would be horrific for Ross to shoot her lover by mistake.
Another tip is to try working the story from the POV of the wife. This will give you a fresh perspective of how to set up the story. Then you can go back to Ross's POV if you like.
Maybe have the wife call 911 about spousal abuse. And don't reveal things too early. Anyway, good luck with the rewrite. It doesn't work as presented , but I still enjoyed the read.

Writer,

Normally I don't point these out, but a lot of unnecessay orphans. And what are they due to? Overwriting, of course. This tale is way overwritten and filled with overly descriptive passages and passive writing that immediately taken me out of the story. This can be tightened up big time. That said, it's a simple revenge tale that unfortunately fails to deliver the goods. Nice try, though!

Steve