Quoted from Scar Tissue Films I'm a bit nonplussed by how many people are struggling with the story here. It's pretty straightforward. The little girl and her mother both wear Cherry bracelets. The little girl's mum is in the paper....because in the past she killed a black girl, that black girl is the elderly lady's. Out of revenge, she kills the little girl, and her mother when she turns up to find her, and feeds them to her dog. At the end she's just eating pie with her friend, wearing two cherry bracelets from the white people she's killed.

Makes sense. But why the hoodoo/voodoo? I gotta re-read this.

Quoted from Female Gaze Makes sense. But why the hoodoo/voodoo? I gotta re-read this.

No hoodoo.  She's just praying to God.  She thinks that God sent the kid there so she can get revenge.

ohhhhh. I see. I see.

That logline is a disaster.

Usually down for this type of stunted writing style, but I really don’t think it’s necessary here.

Can’t visualize a Catahoula hound.  This is probably common knowledge for most, but why even bother calling it by the breed if it’s just gonna make dummies like me stop reading?  An old hound would have sufficed.

This writing style is starting to bug me here.  It’s like reading down a robotic list more so than a script.  I guess I only like it in small doses of action, not an entire script.  
Again, really don’t think it’s necessary.

This feels like a fairy tale, but it’s supposed to be a period piece.  I don’t know why, but I’m not picturing anything “real” about this.  Too much Hansel and Gretel bogging down my brain.

“I better go try the bathroom.”  Why is this necessary dialogue?

I gotta be honest, I have no clue what ended up happening in that story.  I have theories but i don't know if I'm over or under thinking it.  Scartissue's explanation in this thread cleared it up, but I didn't get that.  i think the writing style probably tripped people up.

Opened it up and... The writing style threw me for a loop before I even read anything.

But since I admire maverick writers who decide "fuck the rules" and do their own thing, I'll definitely read this.

Hope it's good.

I could be wrong, but I think I recognise the style from other OWC's, and it kinda threw me here just as it did in those other one's too. That's not me saying it's wrong by the way, it's very descriptive and gets your point across, but it's just too short and sharp for myself.

Putting the writing style to one side, I actually liked it. The build up wasn't too taxing, the aforementioned descriptions were bang on, and the back story seemed to work.

Really it's a mixed bag for me, good effort though

Cam

Take two. And... action!

Title page. So far, so good.

FADE IN: Nice.

Orphan on the first page.

What does a "golden cherry" look like? Is it just a regular cherry with gold glitter, like a Christmas tree cookie?



Is the girl the "little cupcake?"

"Something funny in the air." How can you show this visually? We can't see air. You can say "The girl senses something, SMELLS it." Or something like that. Remember, film is audiovisual.

Shouldn't "heaven-like" be capitalized? Personal choice. Another orphan.

"The glow in her eyes tells us" Make sure you can show this visually. We need to be able to read it on her face, in her expression. I usually only write a line like this if it's the best way to get the visual across.

Google tells me a Catahoula hound looks like this...

[img]http://cdn3-http://www.dogtime.com/assets/uploads/gallery/catahoula-leopard-dog-breed-pictures/side-7_1.jpg[/img]

"Ours." Normally, "we" never appear in a script. "we" never "see" or "hear" anything. Just tell us what we see and hear, but don't tell us THAT we see or hear something. But you're a maverick and I admire that.

I would have capped all of TOWERING FIGURE.

The classic knife.

"OUT OF THE SHADOWS" Are the Ninja Turtles in this?

"Black" would have worked, too. Be careful with unfilmables, even though character intros are the one place where you can kind of get away with them.

"Dress, as old as she is." How do we know this? You haven't even given us her specific age.

Horror element introduced on page 2.

Careful with that axe, Eugene dialects, contractions, and dropping letters from words. John Wayne, of all fellas, famous told writers to "write it in English, and if I choose to play the part, I'll play it like John Wayne." That's tellin' 'em.

"You want a a slice, don[']tcha?"

"My mama always told me--" Are you trying to get Tom Hanks to play the little girl? Reads like Forrest Gump.

Triple negative? So it's okay to take something from strangers, or no?

"The woman cleans her hand to her apron." Are you sure that's he right preposition?

You normally spell out addresses. Mister, Missus, Miss, Mister President, Doctor, Colonel, Corporal, Sergeant, etc. Also numbers less than ten or twenty. Timing reasons.

"CUT TO: THE KNIFE" Is that a pun?  

"Attack?" Like beating the shit out of the pie, kicking it, smashing it, or just devouring it like a buzzard?

You could save a few pages by trimming those orphans.

She's my cherry pie. Cool drink of water such a sweet surprise. Tastes so good makes a grown man cry. Sweet Cherry Pie.

End of page 4. To be continued.

So what happens at the end?  I was confused.

Actually, I found this story hard to follow too.  I really can't add more than what everyone else said, so, sorry about that.  

Not sure the writing style will serve you well, unless you have sold other scripts.

Dan

I'm a fan. Sure, I could pick stuff apart format wise: But I won't cause I loved the whole atmosphere you've evoked. I love that it's horror and that it reads in a jaunty fashion in contrast.  Unsettling but rivetting story and you sold me on the dialogue. I also enjoy stories that are a little hard to follow on film. And this is slated for film. Eerie, fairy tale sinister, visual. I'd really like some cherry pie now. Or apple.

Great job. Yours stands out for me i.e., memorable, and that's what it's all about.

Finished. Pretty solid for breaking the usual formatting "rules." But who needs rules? "All my friends are heathens, take it sloooow. Wait for them to ask you who you knoooow. Please don't make any sudden mooooves; you don't know the half of the abuuuuse."

Didn't see that twist ending coming. Wow. Reminds me of Fried Green Tomatoes. Or Solyent Green.

Seems like a good story idea - but I'm not quite sure what happens at the end. Irma killed the girl - although I don't know what for. And I don't get the Woman there at the very end.

Seems like it's me though and you know what you're talking about.

I'd like it more if you got straight to the meat of the story - the first 6 pages dragged to be honest.

The dialog sounds believable and the characters are very well done

I've also seen this writing style on other threads.  While I have no problem with it, I just found it confusing keeping up with the story.  I missed a whole bunch of points that would have made the ending easier to understand.  After reading some of the comments, I now know what happened.  

However, I did enjoy the build up and thought the horror ending to it was quite good, so kudos on that.

I may have said this in one of the other ones, but any horror story with kids just seems to be that much more creepy!

Title does not fit genre, not intriguing either
Logline reads complicated, unfocused

P4 not bad so far – I hope you got an explanation what the girl got to do alone in the swamps

No slugs at all and then a CUT TO:  ???

The girl is suddenly called Cherry Pie.

The approach of directing from the page does not work well. So many capitalization and broken sentences, single words, make this script read like a shot-list, exagerrated said. In a horror script, I believe this shot by shot telling works not in your favor – because the genre lives for suspense, a consistently presented atmosphere. Because of the style, too much tension, emotions couldn't deliver and grow.  

Story wasn't bad but as said imo horror needs clear scenes, coherent scenarios that flow into scare, organic. Still, solid work.

Writer,

Long, tedious read I'm afraid. So much exposition, unnecessary CAPPING, and asides galore that add nothing to the story. Just not believable, as the murderous Irma seems to have no reason to kill Cherry Pie. Some kind of sacrifice, I feel. Then you intro some woman at the end, no idea who she is or where she came from. Story just doesn't work for me. Lots of stop and start sentences The could have easily been broken up with commas instead of continued on another line.

Keep working. Those things will clean themselves up eventually once you realize they are wrong, and do little to help the flow of your story.

Steve

I don't have a problem with the style. Props for trying out different things and getting a feel for what works for you. And I'm the last person to care about rule breaking. But there are some visuals here that just aren't clear. I don't think it has anything to do with the staccato style or the tongue-in-cheek asides. They're just not clear visuals. Probably due to time constraints but it's something I think needs to be fixed on re-write. Most glaring one:

Pg. 2 --

She gets near a house. She looks left. Then right. Sees a dog, then a noise from "another direction" causes her to turn.

Quoted Text Behind him, a TOWERING figure. Only thing we see is the GLOW of a sharp, cooking knife.

This is telling my brain to visualize a close-up of a cooking knife in someone's hand without using a camera direction. Which is good. But it's not showing me a figure cloaked in shadows.

Then you have

OUT OF THE SHADOWS

A frail, grey-haired African-American woman.

It's not till five lines later I find out there's some shadow hiding her so only the knife is visible. Which is a completely different visual so I have to reorganize what I'm seeing. But it's even more confusing since we're in a bayou in broad daylight. Where is this massive shadow coming from? The house, I hope, since nothing else would really make sense. If so, then you could say "a noise from outside the house" instead of "another direction". Now we're oriented towards the house and the shadow makes more sense. But I still think you should mention the shadow along with the knife visual.

Like so:


The poor mutt doesn’t even move. Doesn’t break the stare down either, until--

A LOUD BARK

Does the job. High pitched. Coming from outside the house. Another dog.

More like a sample of one. But vicious.

Behind him, a TOWERING figure leans against a windowsill, mantled in shadows.

Only thing we see is the GLOW of a sharp, cooking knife.