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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2017 One Week Challenge  ›  Into That Goodnight - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Into That Goodnight - OWC  (currently 3343 views)
Don
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 10:35am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Into That Goodnight by Jaron Lanier - Short, Sci Fi - A young mother trying to raise a daughter alone, begins to suspect her anti-insomnia medication is altering her perception of reality in dangerous ways. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 2:53pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Oh yes.

Well done.

Lovely story.  Production quality.
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Female Gaze
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 5:47pm Report to Moderator
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Wow, I agree. That was really good. No complaints here.
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eldave1
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 7:33pm Report to Moderator
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Solid writing throughout.

Author did a great job in efficiently describing some very difficult visuals.

Dialogue is pretty much spot on.

A minor criticism - and maybe unfair given the limited number of pages - I would have liked the angst and the reality doubts of the mother to be drawn out a little more.

The ending was fine for a short - somehow I still wanted a little more - but again - it is a short.

My fav so far. Kudos to the author


My Scripts can all be seen here:

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irish eyes
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 8:11pm Report to Moderator
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An excellent piece.

Story moved along quickly due to the great writing and tone

Well done


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Dreamscale
Posted: January 29th, 2017, 12:19pm Report to Moderator
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Very well written.  Very well put together.  Very well conceived and plotted.

Dialogue is fine.  Visual writing is well done. Action is well done.

If everything is so well done, why don't I feel stronger about this script?  I don't know really.  But, I think once we started rehashing things exactly as they were laid out earlier, and Annie II appeared, something happened and I started losing interest.

It's going to be a contender, for sure, but for me, it's not something that will stick with me.

Good job, though on all fronts!
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stevie
Posted: January 29th, 2017, 4:31pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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Have read this twice now and while the writing and structure is top notch, I'm still a little unsure about the ending.



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CameronD
Posted: January 29th, 2017, 10:33pm Report to Moderator
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Wasn't sure at first. The memory implants and school fight had me thinking that was the focus, but when the day repeated again it piqued my interest. ANNE II in the kitchen was a bit hard to follow as I think the action could have written a bit more clearly. Why the force field stopping her from tackling her doppelganger?

When the third day came is when things picked up and got a little freaky. And the end, as a parent, I'd be hard pressed not to do the same. The last scene was pulled off great and I actually FELT sad and creeped out once done. Not easy to do in a short at all. Quite good. Can't overstate how hard it is to actually get me to feel something when reading a script. Great premise. Great job.


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LC
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 12:39am Report to Moderator
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Yep, I like it too, but the third act needs something more. Once we get to the loop, the loop,   I started to feel a little less enamoured with the story. I can't suggest any tangible fix for that at the moment but it felt like a bigger surprise may be in store.

Anti-insomnia medication as opposed to insomnia medication? I dunno...

The subdermal implant is featured in a script I'm currently writing coincidentally, although mine also features cyborg x human creatives. Only mentioning this in case someone in the future thinks it was inspired by yours.

Nice work.


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DanC
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 3:48am Report to Moderator
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I agree with Libby (LC).  Once it started over, it felt like Groundhog day.  Which might be great to watch, but, I bet reading that screenplay was confusing.

I was lost a few times and it was because when I saw the loop, I started to skim.  I'm not sure how you fix that, but, perhaps you could have the mom say something a bit different, especially for the second time awake.

You allude to the fact that she senses something wrong, but, no where does it get stated.

You could also play with reality a bit more.

I also agree that you kinda lead us on about the fight.  I was a bit confused as to whether or not she was suffering this due to a malfunction of the device, medication, etc.

Perhaps you could also use that to your advantage.  One of the best I've read so far.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

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jayrex
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 4:45am Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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My favourite so far of the OWC scripts.  Well written, the idea was good, and nicely executed.  I'd say this is a contender.

All the best,

Javier



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khamanna
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 7:03am Report to Moderator
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It's really good - I do think that the idea is not very new, a mother unable to cope with her daughters death withdraws from reality and delves on memories but it does read fresh since you incorporated lots of good stuff into it and made it a scuff.
I did enjoy how you used the toy - first the girl defends it from her friend then rushes under the bus for it...
Overall, nice and memorable and inspiring, great job, thanks!
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Cameron
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 7:27am Report to Moderator
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Yep, good job writer.

I'd try to give some criticism, but then I'd just be making stuff up. You nailed the brief, writing's down pat and everything worked.

Great effort

Cam
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Conz
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 2:21pm Report to Moderator
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I'm often really bored with science fiction, as most of it seems derivative of stuff I've already seen.  I really like the memory reader/viewer tech you have in this one though.  Pretty cool.  I know similar stuff has been done before, but I still liked it.

I think you could have taken an implied route with what happened to Emma instead of tossing in that flashback, but that's a nitpick.  You already have memories and dream-like scenes, so a flashback kinda bogs it down a bit.  I'm pretty sure we could have easily surmised what happened to Emma without the principal telling us... but again, nitpick.

Cool story, would probably make for a few good scenes on screen.  this is a good one.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 2:27pm Report to Moderator
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Quality, tight script. Limited production problems either, should be filmed.

I'm sure a few things could be clarified and tightened following the reveal, but best so far.

Reminds me of some of the 1970's sci fi with a paranoia tone to it.


My scripts  HERE

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