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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2017 One Week Challenge  ›  Gym Bunnies - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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Don
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 10:35am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Gym Bunnies by Anonymous - Short, Comedy - When a hotchpotch of Disney characters are sent to a gym they soon discover there is more to this  gathering  than expected. - pdf, format

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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  January 29th, 2017, 10:27am
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Female Gaze
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 12:39pm Report to Moderator
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It's not who will let me; It's who will stop me?

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The moment I read Gym Bunnies I should have known.... Well that happened. I read that. It's seared in my brain lol
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Dreamscale
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 3:00pm Report to Moderator
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Starting with a glaring error in your opening Slug is not a good way to jump out of the gate.

Using Disney at all, is a big mistake, IMO, as well as all these Disney characters.

This comes off as a pisser to me, but then again, alot of comedy can be labeled as pissers.

This isn't for me at all, as I really don't even know who these characters are supposed to be or why they're together in this script.  I stopped on Page 4.
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eldave1
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 5:36pm Report to Moderator
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Some funny moments here and there. Snow White was my favorite.

Calhoun sounded too much like a man - thought it might be funnier if it were a more demurr character - against type.

Format wise fairly solid

The ending was a bit weak - like you hit 12 pages and had to end it some how.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: January 29th, 2017, 7:37am Report to Moderator
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Someone's got kids and has been forced into watching too much Disney!

Some great dialogue: Clam tits, good shrooms.

It got old pretty fast, but there was a lot of talent here. That was probably misapplied.
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jayrex
Posted: January 29th, 2017, 3:11pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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I like the idea although I don't think it quite hits the mark.  There were times I felt the female characters were saying things that made it obvious a guy wrote the dialogue.

Overall I like the idea, a lot of promise, but not quite right.


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irish eyes
Posted: January 29th, 2017, 3:24pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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But...a solider doesn't give up.... 'soldier'

I liked the concept and sadly as i have 2 daughters I knew all the characters... but that's me.
There will others who won't have a clue and that will probably go against you.
I was enjoying then he just dragged on... I think 12 pages was too much

You had some good characters and whats funny is that Snow White was eerily like the Snow White in my last OWC  copyright lol

good job on entering


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LC
Posted: January 29th, 2017, 10:14pm Report to Moderator
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Starting with something you might think is pedantic but a door doesn't slam open. It bursts open, yes, but the act of slamming is that it shuts forcefully. Just saying...

I don't know Wreck It Ralph either so...

Sorry, I got up to 'clam tits', and just know this is not up my alley.  No offence.


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CameronD
Posted: January 29th, 2017, 10:21pm Report to Moderator
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Not digging it. Too over the top and humorless? Though it attempts to be funny and crude it just comes off as overly juvenile. Dialogue is stagnant and some of the action doesn't make sense, unfilmables and all.

The title made me think of some bad 80's sex comedy ala Meatballs. I think that may have been a better approach. The Disney girls add nothing, so why have them in the first place?


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Cameron
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 7:44am Report to Moderator
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Hey writer,

I liked where it was going, and really tried to like the overall piece, but it just didn't work for me.

The premise is fairly solid, but it just dragged on and really didn't need all the pages it ended up with.

Good effort but not for myself,

Cam
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Conz
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 2:29pm Report to Moderator
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Isn’t it “hodge podge?”  Have I said that wrong my whole life?
Pumped for a comedy.  Not as pumped for the logline, but pumped for a comedy nonetheless.

Disney Studio’s?  

Notes are never a good look in a script.

I’m having a hard time finishing this.  The joke is already long on page 3.  Gotta bow out on 7, sorry.  I can't even stick out the final few pages, just not engaging me in the slighest.  I'm sure others might like it.  The writing itself wasn't terrible.


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Nolan
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 3:36pm Report to Moderator
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I had a few chuckles, but nothing other than that.  The dialogue didn't feel right to me.

It just kind of went on and on.   But, I could see this being funny on the screen if it was ever done.

Nolan
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stevie
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 9:23pm Report to Moderator
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You got a big prob straight up where some of the chars mightn't be known by the readers.

And it wasn't that funny! Look, very ambitious try here and we can see what you went for but it didn't really gel.

I did like the line about being second cousin to a plastic bag after all the surgery but thats about it.  

Sorry to be harsh but when you do a comedy you gotta do it real good



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Zack
Posted: January 31st, 2017, 4:13pm Report to Moderator
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How does a door slam open? They can slam shut, sure, but open?

I don't watch a whole lot of Disney movies, so I'm sort of lost on who some of these characters are.

It's well written and some of the dialog was actually quite funny. No real payoff at the end, at least not as far as I could tell. But again, I'm not too familiar with these characters.

Not bad though.

~Zack~
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: January 31st, 2017, 6:41pm Report to Moderator
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I'm a Disney nerd so I initially liked the idea of the characters sort of coming out of retirement... which is when it started to not work so much for me...

Maleficent has just had a movie of her own, hardly a hasbeen...

I liked the idea behind this but it's a little over long and runs out of steam.  


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
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