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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2017 One Week Challenge  ›  Atoll's Edge - OWC - Optioned Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Atoll's Edge - OWC - Optioned  (currently 3776 views)
Cameron
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 6:40am Report to Moderator
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Well done writer, great stuff here.

Leads in with mystery, speeds into breathless action and then hammers you with the ending. I thought it was an absolutely brilliant concept, and after the reveal it really hit me for six.

There's a couple of tiny typos, and if it was me I'd shorten the hospital ending, but that's just my take on it, and conceptually I doubt I'd be capable of work like this so feel free to ignore my advice.

All opinions should be free and welcomed on this site, so here's mine. This is one of the most beautiful little pieces of work I've seen up here, absolutely stunning.

Genuinely, well done

Cam

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Cameron  -  January 30th, 2017, 7:51am
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Digitaldecayfilms
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 12:51pm Report to Moderator
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Interesting concept.  In my opinion, the ending was a great twist, but didn't make up for the repetitiveness of the first two acts.  It had a real video game feel, which some other readers might enjoy, but it's not my cup of tea.

Obviously, I can't speak much about the dialogue.

Not much more for me to say.  I didn't hate it or love it.  It really was just "meh" for me.


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JEStaats
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 3:37pm Report to Moderator
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I liked it. It started weird enough for me to keep reading just to find out what was going on. I was happy that it didn't turn into just a bad version of John Carter (if there could be a worse version). I liked how she was getting more and more rundown as time went on and for the final explanation of the why. With more time, I'm sure this could be golden.

Nicely done.
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Conz
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 5:10pm Report to Moderator
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I’m stupid so I had to google atoll.  I can’t be the only one… right?  

Twin suns?  Is this fantasy?  Is this a real life expression my dumbass doesn’t know of?

She kills a faceless demon in front of a huge glowing orb and … shrugs?

No dialogue really makes for an uninteresting read.  That’s not fair, there’s some cool shit, but I need dialogue, even just a taunt from Yuna or something.  

2 Series of Shots in a short?  Most of the script is a series of shots, there’s no dialogue.

All of the fights in this script were written pretty well, maybe a bit long and repetitive but still pretty good.

Man, I’m dumb.  This is clearly deeper than I was giving it credit for, but I’m still a bit confused.  Confused to the point that I don’t even know what questions to ask.  So this is some fantasy in Yuna’s head while she’s lying in a hospital bed sick?  The demons are basically the reaper coming to take her away and the orb represents her child being born?

The naming the baby “Yuna” is throwing me for a loop.  Don't worry I'm rolling my own eyes at myself, but the Baby is Yuna?  The baby and the woman who dies are named Yuna?  Who is the Yuna we watched in fantasy land?  God, I'm dumb.

I don’t even know what to rate this, and I feel bad about it, b/c I’m sure I’m just not getting it the way I’m supposed to.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: January 31st, 2017, 7:54pm Report to Moderator
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Hmm, I liked this to start with but this got repetitive for me and I lost interest by the end.

I liked the twist bit thouhg, decent effort


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
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PrussianMosby
Posted: February 1st, 2017, 2:01pm Report to Moderator
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Great title – one of my favorites
Good logline with a lot of conflict – still, information read a bit unfocused yet, too long as well

Good visuals from the start.

Okay: alone at mysterious place - fight, learned to fish – fight…

This is all right for an Action flick but I miss a minimum of build up here, like a short "exploring the island"/or "further confirmation she's alone" situation. It's like karate kid runs into monsters. There's not one bit of back-story about her so far, something personal, a gadget she brought there, or her doing some soliloquy, anything…
Perhaps this is not the point and this should be full on Mortal Kombat style.

Lol Just as I asked for, she meditates – cool stuff

I found it interesting that she dominates all those demons from the start. Usually it's the other way round: First priority, staying alive somehow, you know. To me, it's a very interesting and good choice of you.

Okkkaaay: The ending does not work. I liked the whole script pretty much but the ending does not work in fact. I noticed how you tried hard to let the dramatic switch look like a body and soul thing – the problem is just that you showed 7 minutes of martial arts before, defined a clear target audience with that and then you cannot go into this kind of drama IMO. I generally think you know this already and there's just so and so many things a man can do within 7 days :-)
The general approach of ending: something spiritual about the soul of a warrior is very good. You're on the right track.

Damn, personally I even like this ending; I just believe to know that too many would be disappointed... based on simple story-theory.

Somehow this body/soul/warrior tradition needs some more balance (((probably in act1 there should happen something in this direction))) if it should truly represent the dramaturgic backbone of the script.

Great action. This would look awesome on screen. Very well done. Very clean and clear presentation. Cool entry.



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RichardR
Posted: February 1st, 2017, 3:00pm Report to Moderator
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A metaphor for a mother's fight to stay alive long enough for her daughter to be born.  Works for me.  Although I would prefer something more than countless demons, some escalation of the demon, growth.  Bigger, faster, stronger, they're coming for her.  I didn't catch a metaphor for treatment, but that's me.  It's probably there somewhere.  Not a bad little tale.
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grademan
Posted: February 1st, 2017, 9:24pm Report to Moderator
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Michele Yeoh is who I saw as Yuna the warrior. Nice mind trick master.

The lack of dialogue for the first 90% of the story made the dialogue in the final 10% seem unnecessarily long and somewhat vague.

The endless fighting while it was well done and made a point regarding the woman's unwavering dedication could be dialed back. I appreciate your attempt to spice it up with the flares.

A two series of shots didn't add much to the story.

Nicely done.
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EWall433
Posted: February 2nd, 2017, 11:21am Report to Moderator
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The Old Lady’s dialogue could be a little more concise and clear. Not on the nose, but...

“OLD LADY: It’s OK child. My daughter comes from generations of brave warriors...In fighting such a deadly adversary for so long, she honoured their memory.”

This is a little too poetic to also be descriptive. Was the daughter actually a soldier in real life? Is the old lady referring to disease/coma/labor complications as a “deadly adversary”?

“OLD LADY: When this little blessing becomes old enough, she will learn of her mother’s battle. I will show her pictures and tell her tales.”

Once again, confused on whether this battle is figurative or what. If it's simply a battle with disease, it seems odd to describe it in this way (exactly what would these pictures be showing?) We’re supposed to be coming out of the fantasy, and I don't see anyone talking this way about their daughter who just succumbed to… something. Certainly she shouldn't speak this way if we're meant to know what she's talking about.

This is the best I've read so far though, and I think it works well as is (aside from the dialogue I mentioned). I do have one stray idea… that maybe the orb contain the growing fetus/child. Faceless demons already land us straight in fantasy land, so I don't think it would hurt to foreshadow the pregnancy transition in this way.

Overall, nice work.
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ChrisBodily
Posted: February 2nd, 2017, 8:49pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
She notices her

DOG TAGS


would have read better. The "INSERT" isn't necessary.

There's perhaps a little too much going on, just from describing the buildings and columns. Very busy and borderline confusing.

"CONTINUOUS" is almost never necessary.

It is a little hard to visualize all this. Too much detail.

The Faceless Demon is basically a bald Michael Myers, right?

"it the neck" ??? The whole sentence reads awkward.

Have you thought about capping "CRUNCH"? (No, not the cereal. )



"Yuna calmly cradles it is head in her arms. It struggles." It's/its.

Another it's/its.

"Lagoon"? An actual lagoon or the popular theme park in Utah? Your Utah and former Utah readers need you to specify.  

Finally, you got one of the it's/its-es-es right.

I still can't visualize anything. Too much going on. Lost. I'm out on P4.


FADE IN:
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CameronD
Posted: February 3rd, 2017, 1:04pm Report to Moderator
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I don't get it.

I appreciate short and succinct writing but this is an example of that taken to an extreme. The action here, though it should be exciting, is boring. No context is given. I don't know Yuna. The orb. The demons. Anything. Therefore I don't care.

Also, the writing is bland. Almost every sentence begins with she. She jumps. She runs. She fights. She kicks. She falls. etc. Yes it's a OWC which I'm sure is the reason but still, its poor writing.

This could be a really cool idea if only it was developed more. The script poses a bunch of questions early on, where are we, what happened to Yuna, who is Yuna? What is going on with the orb and demons? But after "Day 1" nothing more happens. It's just action for the sake of action. You need to keep giving us more breadcrumbs. Make the orb cry like a baby when it gets damaged. That would be like, whoa. WTF just happened? Having more clues on the walls with images of babies or conception would help. Is there a way you could show love between Yuna and the orb? Make the orb grow over time? Lots of missed opportunities given the reveal.

Also, a lot doesn't make sense here. Who shot the flares in the middle of the story? Why does Yuna set up camp so far away from the temple if it's always attacked? ? Why does she need to eat if this isn't reality?

A decent concept butchered by the constraints of the OWC. But it's a strong idea that could be expanded on into something quite cool.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: February 4th, 2017, 10:28am Report to Moderator
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I find the writing quite hard to focus on but to be fair it moves long quickly.

If I'm right, the woman has been in some form of coma, fighting to live until she gives birth, at which point she is allowed to die.

Good concept, and if it's not that, I like the one I've just written

I would recommend some more foreshadowing and hints of what this is about

Otherwise, fair effort.


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SAC
Posted: February 4th, 2017, 11:30am Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Damn. I'm sorry. I wish I had read this before I cast my votes, but I simply ran out of time. This was the best one I'd read if the 13 I did, and this would have gotten a very good (at the least) from me. I got everything that you were trying to put across (I think) and I enjoyed Yuna's journey, and the smart, descriptive writing. Very nice work!

Steve


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: February 4th, 2017, 2:54pm Report to Moderator
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I can honestly say I’ve never had so much fun writing a script than I did putting this together. I love Atoll's Edge, even if I say so myself!

Atoll’s Edge, as most of you correctly figured out, is about a Korean woman who discovers she is pregnant around the same time as she is diagnosed with a terminal illness. She's not expected to last the 9 months and the baby is not expected to survive either.

Determined to go full term and deliver the baby, she fights the disease with everything she has. I chose to show this struggle symbolically, some thought this was her dreams while in a coma, that works too!

The Island is her body, village her womb and the orb her unborn child. The faceless demons represent the disease which spreads rapidly over the 9 months. She arrives in military fatigues with the name of her daughter on her dog tags as a constant reminder that she’s there to fight and what she is fighting for.

At first, she easily defeats the demons but as time goes on and the disease spreads, she struggles. The crate of supplies represents her reserves of strength and the medication she is on. This gradually dwindles until there is nothing left.

In the end she makes it, manages to deliver Yuna and sees her with her own eyes before passing. Yuna is then looked after be her proud grandmother.

Some didn’t like the two sets of series of shots. I wanted to show, as quickly as possible, her day to day routine when she’s coping very well and then in comparisons as she becomes more sick. This was the quickest and easiest way I could think of doing this but I appreciate on paper this may not work for some.

I’d like to thank all those who commented. For those who liked it, thank you very much. For those that didn’t, I understand why. I’d like to single out one comment from Cam.


Quoted from Cameron
Well done writer, great stuff here.

Leads in with mystery, speeds into breathless action and then hammers you with the ending. I thought it was an absolutely brilliant concept, and after the reveal it really hit me for six.

There's a couple of tiny typos, and if it was me I'd shorten the hospital ending, but that's just my take on it, and conceptually I doubt I'd be capable of work like this so feel free to ignore my advice.
All opinions should be free and welcomed on this site, so here's mine. This is one of the most beautiful little pieces of work I've seen up here, absolutely stunning.

Genuinely, well done
Cam


I read this on a dreary Monday when I was doing my day job and feeling depressed. It made my day. It’s one of the nicest things anyone has ever said about my scripts, thank you very much.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Female Gaze
Posted: February 4th, 2017, 2:58pm Report to Moderator
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I still think this is beautiful. I was with you from jump. It was a toss-up between this one and 'Into the..'

Both are wonderful representations of a mother's struggle. Well done.
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