I liked this, but have mixed feelings on it.  

On the one hand, I did like how things were built up.  On the other hand, I think I was looking for more.  I'm sure it could have been more suspenseful than it was but I did like the whole fairytale element to it as well.  

Anything with children has a tendency to be a little more creepy, in my opinion.  For that alone I was a fan of this.

Nolan

Lol Bunnyman!  knew I shoulda done a 4th one for the series (fifth actually - I have written a 4th one after the superhero OWC but did nothing with it).

Anyway you handled the kids pretty well except for a couple of dodgy lines. It was very Stephen King in feel (The Tommyknockers, It and The Raft). I didn't like the continued same description of the 'gelatinous mass", that got boring after while.

A pretty good effort and would be heaps better after a rewrite so nice!

Got a kick out of this one. It had the right amount of quirkiness and innocence to win me over - although I was pretty much set in after the talking rabbit.

For some reason, I was expecting something hellishly depraved and from what I was thinking I was gonna get, I'm glad it panned out the way it did.

Also a sucker for blobs, so that helped.

Nicely written and kept me intrigued until the reveal, then I was disappointing that it just turned into a standard version of invasion of the body snatchers.  

It is a shame as this started off as a dark fairy tale that was creepy and had me generally concerned for the kids. This could have been really disturbing if there were more twists, you went deeper into the possibilities and there was more horror.  

Although the dialogue was decent and the relationship between the sisters quite natural, Hannah didn't sound like a 5 year old. I have two kids, my daughter is now 7. If you can make her sound like a 5 year old, this would make the tension much higher.

But a good, solid OWC entry that ticks all the challenge boxes.

-Mark

I think it's lacking the ending - and in your case it's the plot actually. Either that or I missed something and failed to understand the whole thing.

you build to the ending well. A few dialog tweaks perhaps here and there. The older sister sounds like she is five sometimes especially at the beginning.

You introduced the mother-father relationship but haven't played on it.

And like I said I don't know what it all means in the end.

But this was quite sinister and you made me wait to see what's it all about which is always a good thing.

Its one of the better entries

I think one of the biggest problems with the story is that we see no horror.  

There was an oddball take on "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" a few years back with Nicole Kidman where the aliens wanted to control the people and bring peace to every living thing.

It got slammed in the press, but, really, it's an interesting question.  Is total peace worth free-will?  Every time someone dies at the hands of terrorism (like the Mosque in Canada), I always wonder about that.

In this story, I don't see any evil.  I see a loss of free will, but, no evil.  If anything, I see a peace where nothing has to be killed anymore.  

Just my 2 cents.
Dan

Quoted from DanC I think one of the biggest problems with the story is that we see no horror.   There was an oddball take on "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" a few years back with Nicole Kidman where the aliens wanted to control the people and bring peace to every living thing. It got slammed in the press, but, really, it's an interesting question.  Is total peace worth free-will?  Every time someone dies at the hands of terrorism (like the Mosque in Canada), I always wonder about that. In this story, I don't see any evil.  I see a loss of free will, but, no evil.  If anything, I see a peace where nothing has to be killed anymore.

My take was as I originally said - it comes off akin to Heinlein's "Puppet Masters".  In that film (not sure about the novel, as I didn't read it), the actual alien's hid on the human's (and even a cat's) bodies, and embedded themselves inside them, thus controlling them.  Then, other aliens, also hiding on the infected, would be able to "jump" onto other unaffected bodies.

In "Invasion of the Body Snatchers", (and for the most part in "The Invasion"the alien seed pods cloned the humans into an alien.

Here, it appears the "Queen Alien" inserts part of her body onto teh necks of humans and animals, which controls them, but doesn't change tehm from being humans and animals.

The horror here is more than just being "controlled" or changed, it's the actual alien, Queenie, who appears to be quite repulsive - "inky black", "gelatinous", and has multiple eyes and octopus-like appendages.  Although never completely  seen, for me, it worked, as I could imagine this creature, and sometimes, that's what's scary.

Quoted from Dreamscale My take was as I originally said - it comes off akin to Heinlein's "Puppet Masters".  In that film (not sure about the novel, as I didn't read it), the actual alien's hid on the human's (and even a cat's) bodies, and embedded themselves inside them, thus controlling them.  Then, other aliens, also hiding on the infected, would be able to "jump" onto other unaffected bodies. In "Invasion of the Body Snatchers", (and for the most part in "The Invasion"the alien seed pods cloned the humans into an alien. Here, it appears the "Queen Alien" inserts part of her body onto teh necks of humans and animals, which controls them, but doesn't change tehm from being humans and animals. The horror here is more than just being "controlled" or changed, it's the actual alien, Queenie, who appears to be quite repulsive - "inky black", "gelatinous", and has multiple eyes and octopus-like appendages.  Although never completely  seen, for me, it worked, as I could imagine this creature, and sometimes, that's what's scary.

I get your point, but, for me, pretty doesn't = good and ugly doesn't = bad.  The alien might look really ugly, but, what does it want?  

I can remember an episode of Lost in Space.  The kids meet this beautiful golden alien and they just assume he's the good one.  They later meet this ugly alien who is in conflict with the other alien.  They all side with the beautiful alien.  Turns out, the ugly alien was the good one.  That lesson stuck with me all these years.

So, I guess the moral that I'm making is that the alien is icky, but, that doesn't mean it's evil.  That's why, IMO, we need to see evil done.

this one works, but it's seems too pat, too easy for Queenie.  I would think Mom and Jasmine would not go to fetch Hannah without some backup, at last a club or two.  But that's me.  Still, who wouldn't follow a talking rabbit.  Reminds me of Alice.

There's some issue with dialogue and the girl's ages BUT I enjoyed this, quick read, quirky and dark and left nice and open to do a little more with outside the OWC.

Good effort

The lack of horrific image was not a problem for me as it gave me chills as soon as I saw the talking rabbit and the girls chased him into the forrest to see his other friends. That was really scary.

I'd just want to know what Queenie wants, her plan and what exactly she does to people. But with a few more pages that could be explained perhaps.

Now I have to watch for talking rabbits in my back yard? Great. Excellent idea to make the nonthreatening threatening. Could have used a bit more threat. Ending was almost sweet. Female characters were believable. I liked it. (I had vision of a rabbit on steroids biting the heads off the girls a la Monty Python and the Holy Grail.)

Writer,

Not bad at all. Kept me turning the pages. This needs a trim though - you probably could've done this in less pages. Although the story is unbelievable in spots, and productions cost would be up there, I was very impressed with the way you set up the backstory of the mother and father not being together anymore. That goes a very long way, to me anyway, to add some reality to an otherwise unbelievable tale. Good work there! I thought this was pretty good, writer!

Steve

So-so title, I'm unsure here, it sounds like a generic phrase as so many movies are titled with -- but same time it is also a kind of statement that speaks in a subtle way to us personally…

Logline reads fine, good style, plot-wise one specific information may miss – whatever, it's okay

Entertaining to follow although the resolution wasn't very good in the end. Some cgi needed.

Very good execution on the page. It reads more like an adventure story, no problems with that. The story could need some reworking in the third act. Authentic characters for my taste. Good job here.

This is only the second OWC I've had time to read. Good clean effort, but it lacked in some areas. I honestly didn't think it felt like horror. The tone was not right from the get go. Dialogue was ok, but felt too chatty at times.

I doubt this one will get produced. Talking animals and kids....

I want to like it! It was written well, but the story just didn't grab me. Sorry writer.  I'm nobody, so, just ignore.