The First Womanned Mission to Mars by Anonymous - Short, Sci Fi, Comedy - Three women get more than they bargained for on Mars - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

"Ext. Space- Day" I don't think you need "Day"uh at the end of your header. Same with the very next scene header, lose the "Day".

Some of your descriptions read a little odd.

Isn't it a little strange for Kim to be so overweight? I thought astronauts are supposed to be in shape.

Kinda of an odd tone with this one. I did chuckle a couple of times though. I wouldn't be surprised if some female readers were offended by some of this.

I'm sorry but this one just isn't cutting it for me. These are professional astronauts, yet they need one of their own to give hand signals and help them park the ship? I don't think so.

The dialog is hit and miss for me, mostly miss.

Typos galore.

The last joke was cringe worthy.

This just doesn't work. Sorry to be so negative.

~Zack~

Comedy is subjective.  Lesbian syfy is extremely subjective.  And pissers are pissers.

This comes off as a pisser and doesn't work for me at all.

Writing-wise, almost every single Slug is incorrect.  Lots of mistakes abound.

Jokes are hit and miss, but mostly big misses.

You met the challenge, assuming this isn't a pisser, but I doubt many will enjoy this.

Quoted Text EXT. SPACE - DAY SUPERIMPOSE: FIRST WOMANNED MISSION TO MARS Slowly Mars fills the frame, a sphere of red desert and fast rushing crimson clouds.

A real nit – but your Super has to be at least after the opening description – otherwise – what are you Superimposing over?

Okay – thru page 2 and I am thrown – they are seeing Mars and rather than be enamored by that they are going to argue about chores?

[img]SCARLETT (CONT'D)
Ok, buckle up fellow carpet munchers, I'm bringing her in.[/img]
Ugh – for me.

Quoted Text SCARLETT We've been travelling for three months, have finally landed on Marsand all you can say is "have fun".

Typo – Marsand

Quoted Text Their planet Erectus is full of them.

Another ugh from me

Sorry - I really did not care for this one at all. The jokes were juvenile stereotypical butch dykes, didn't do it for me and at the end of the day I had no idea what the point of the story was. I think this misses the mark.

Brilliant female dialogue.  

I could say more, I won't.  

Well, someone had to do it, I suppose.

I laughed. A lot more than I probably should have.

I thought the ending with the Wom and his antenna was top class.

Carpet Munchers in Space. Got hit written all over it. Imagine the free publicity?

Yeah had its moments, what can I say.

I got no problem with someone 'slipping in' a pisser lol. But it has to be extremely funny to pass muster in these parts.

But I guess a good effort in getting something done

Out at carpet munchers.

Writer,

Silly and fun sci-fi comedy. I suppose the writer just kinda threw this together as nothing is really fleshed out, and the jokes are crude. I know we're all
Pressed for time sometimes, but surely you could've put a bit more effort into this, and in doing so you probably would've come up with something that was a sure fire laugh fest. As is, it misses. But it could have hit! Also, you might wanna employ the help of another writer to read through and get some of those typos for you. There's a bunch of them!

Steve

I don't know how much I can offer in the line of feedback.  Like some of the others have said, this looks like a pisser.  Sorry to say, this really didn't do anything for me.  

Nolan

Curious if you were given sci-fi or comedy as your genre? I'm guessing comedy as few would opt for it. It made me think of some cheesy sci-fi show from many years ago but I can't recall the name. I think it may have been a BBC production?

Good effort for the genre, it just didn't hit me funny.

What the actual f**k?? You know, I actually giggled at how crude it was in bits, not about how funny it was but how crude it was.

This was all over the place, and I hope a pisser entry. If it was a serious attempt on how the female sex chat to each other then it clearly misses the mark. Essentially you've just transmitted bloke talk into these three ladies.

Typos, crude and fairly pointless, definitely not for me but well done on getting something down.

Cam

I agree with everyone else.  It wasn't for me.  And I'm sorry, but, that was a man.  We all know it...

Antenna my butt!!

It did make me laugh in bits, but, astronauts don't act like that at all.  

Sorry
Dan

Solid, clear title
logline says nothing (about their task, personality, obstacles to overcome …)

Oh, radically satiric in all areas.

I think that you deliberately chose stereotypes, the fat, the beauty and the (wo)man and deliberately reduced them to their sex in deliberately idiotic manner, all that haven't been a good choice since this recently raised agenda how to take this challenge. I fell into that trap as well.

Of course the humor was flat; that was one of the designed characteristics I think ("I don't care about sentiments humor"), however some jokes did land with me… anyway, don't let them tell you that you can't write the most stupid satire about woman, lesbians whatever… Those are fake arguments: We both knew that we two could laugh our ass off if there were an aggressive trash satire about men as well as we can vice versa. This is all that counts. So, I back you up on your take and watch the nonsense discussions you receive till it's over. What I expect from you in return, is that you act equally in other cases in the future. But I think you know this already...

Comedy can be hard, and dangerous. This came off like a parody of women. Overall it was too joke dependent. There was really no story to rest the jokes on top of and give them context.

For example, it would be better to know in the beginning that these women are from an all woman race, as I presume they are. They also have knowledge of an alien species despite this being their first mission to Mars. Even in a wacky comedy there needs to be some consistency and a bit of world building. If you throw world building under the bus just for a laugh, it's hard to setup future jokes. When nothing seems real, nothing seems funny. Every funny gal needs her straight lady.