Film Noir isn't my thing either but I battled through it.

The author knows his craft and the script presented well. I just couldn't get into it

First off, the ‘noir wit’ is playing a little more like straight comedy. Probably not helped by the less then realistic all female court room. Obviously that was part of the challenge, but I'm smiling just thinking about how jury selection must have gone.

“...he’s dead and we’ll prove it.”

Presumably they'd want to prove a little more than that.

“PHYLLIS NIGHTINGALE: Your Honor, this person can recall what I wore on so many days, but, she can’t recall what I wore on the day I allegedly said that I wanted to kill my husband?”

This is unconvincing, and why it's a good idea to not try to represent oneself in court.

No offense, but it's hard to tell if this meant to be played straight or if its parody. If it's meant to be played straight, there’s a litany of realism issues. If it's meant to be a parody, it's kind of awesome. There's definitely a jokey vibe, and it's so over the top that it's hard to take seriously. On the other hand, comedy isn't listed in the genre.

I think I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt, just because I found myself smiling through most of this. It works. I'm just not sure it works how you intended.

So forced and so long. I started skimming (guilty) and just lost it. Sorry, not for me.

I think the setup of the all female court is flawed, she may possibly have got away with an all female jury...

First couple of pages were okay, and I was enjoying it, but then we delved into fashion and it started to tail off for me.

The ending seemed a bit of a cheat, it seemed like she was gonna win at trial anyway, so the whole fake execution didn't ring true.

Nice try

I liked Phylisis defense - the outfit argument - think that was clever.

The rest of the witnesses we haven't get to hear - you had a montage, where you show them at a stand. That would be a strange montage I'd say.

Hard to buy into all women court. And all this to learn she's sleeping with the female judge. Phylis kills that one - didn't get why though, seems like she enjoys killing those who does well by her. Phylis' character is over the top for me I guess. The plot even not so as her character.

This one reads like a 1930s boiler.  Cliche and thin, the story doesn't work for me.  And I don't like coincidences, especially ones that solve the story.  

Concept ties into the title well. More of a parody of film noir with a touch of comedy at the end. Logic issues. Too much story stuffed into the last pages.

Reads like a parody rather than film noir. The reason for the all female cast stretched my suspension of believability so far it snapped and spanked my own ass.

Some of the dialogue was quite snappy and wistful but the story felt unnatural and quite forced.

Film Noir is terribly difficult to write, so points for trying but not one for me, sorry.

-Mark

Title and logline too vague for my taste…

P1 lots of identical images are written down several times. One time is everything needed.

Funny, I like the humor…

There's only a slight tone, if any, of the noir genre BUT the comedy is great.

Okay she's dead…

P9 "Denise"- needed to scroll back to get who's Denise again

Okay, she is not dead

Ufff. Pretty satiric… it didn't hit the genre well. It was funny and light. I had some fun following the story. The humor here was my favorite of the challenge. Good job. This had a lot of welcome easiness.

So this is my last read.

UGh.  Where to begin.  

I'll say this.  The writer clearly ran out of space.  12 pages isn't a lot and I think he just ran out of space...

I wonder how this would play out without the space limitation.  I mean, the synopsis wasn't even fulfilled...

Dan

This was mine.

To answer a few questions that were on here:

1.  Dave, thanks so much for pointing out the error of,
int. courtroom - day.  That was a software glitch and Celtx is looking into it.  It shows up in all caps on the site, but, drops to lower case when downloaded or printed.  Very odd.

2.  I bet that most don't know this, but, the mail people have the right to interfere in anything.  Here is another fact most don't know.  If you are driving a car and in one direction comes a cop car with the lights on and in the opposite direction is a mail truck with the lights on, guess who has the right of way?  

It's the mail truck.  As I understand it, they only have their lights on when lives are at stake.  I know, odd, right??

So, the mail woman could interfere in the court case if I was acknowledged as a life-changing message.

I ran out of space.  I had to rework everything and it just didn't work.

I will do better next OWC.

Dan

Quoted Text You know what's so crazy, I was going to wait until the open discussion and reveal to say this, but I was WAY too harsh on 'In the arms...'. And I'm not just saying that bc you told me it was your's...I had no idea. But, I was gonna note that as far as NOIR mechanics go this was as close as you could get without the lackey guy falling for the femme-fatale. Although, I do love lesbian-noir. I spent a summer in college studying noir in and out for my senior thesis. I had been nabbed to write a short play that was a parody of noir, so I sort of know it in and out. No expert. But I know it. I was gonna write mine as a male-driven noir...noir is a form of thriller. So no worries on that one. The red herrings. (with the note and clothes) The weird ending. (comeuppance) and the intricate weaving of her manipulation

Yes, I'm quoting myself, I'm a weirdo.