So many questions, many of which have already been noted. He had a phone at the end? Or did he? Was virtually the entire story in his head except when they came to take him away? I wanted to like it, being a huge TZ fan but it wasn't my cup.

It would be hard to write this story without a woman or two in the cast.

Some alright stuff here, but I gotta say it did go on for a fair bit. I know there's a page limit, but you don't need to fill the entire thing,could have easily chopped this down in scale as it just seemed to be filling pages to match the limit.

Anyway, it read pretty well in parts, but it didn't really grab me by the proverbials and take me anywhere. The writing was good, pace moved around a bit and it seemed to be correctly formatted, I'd just have liked something a bit more exciting or engaging.

Cam

I have no clue what happened to Ned.  Or why he ended up there.  

In stuff like the Twilight Zone you have to explain why he got that fate.  And if he's in a SPOILER

the mental hosp then why wasn't he bound arm to post, not bound together like he was tied up?

There were women in it, so, sorry, that's a fail.

It felt longer than it really was.  I think whereas my story had too much, this story had a lot of filler and descriptions to make the pages go on.

Also, in the Twilight Zone, Rod Serling didn't do that much talking.  

Sorry, this didn't work for me.

Dan

I quite like the start.

Yeah, it breaks the rules. Let's move on.

I liked the idea of a narrator of a man's story, but you then need to pull it off well and this is where is wondered off course.

Did he go down a cliff? Was there someone with his wife? Why did his dog not know him etc etc etc

As you said, it has a twilight zone feel, a touch of madnes, a losing of reality, but even underneath these conditions it needs to hold together, like a Hitchcock film.

Needs some work, but ambitious all the same.

Writer,

Dialing up the Twilight Zone huh? Not a bad choice, but it would have been better if you didn't. It's been done already. Leave it alone. Bigger problem was I really had no idea what was going on this whole time. Had a decent, if not wordy, set up, but when it came time for the payoff it completely lost me. Like I said, and maybe it's just me, but I really had no idea what was happening and why. Why Ned? Was he such a bad guy? Didn't seem like it. No rhyme or reason I could find, and left me feeling confused. Sorry, writer. Just didn't work for me. But good on fashioning a piece of this length in the time provided. If you rewrite it, go for a little clarity.

Steve

I liked this but I think it needs a rewrite.
The Narrator - not a fan of narrators and wasn't crazy about yours either.
Also I don't think you built up to the ending properly - I think we deserve a little give always scattered around to make guesses about what's going on. I started thinking he was in altered reality - SF stuff. But he's sick - that's different. You could make us start suspecting the other man or someone - I didn't, not even Mark.

The reason I'm saying I still liked it - I was interested to see it through - who he is and what his fate is. And this is not little.

Ahh Rod Serling an Upstate New Yorker like myself.

I actually enjoyed this and even the narrator moving it along. Not a huge twist on the story, but still the writing was good.

Good entry

Serling. A name I can trust.

"Mom" only works if she's a man. Let's just assume Mom's transgender and go from there.

Even if the camera is part of the story, don't go overboard with it. I speak from experience.

I'm getting Twilight Zone vibes. I love that show.

Heavy rock! My kinda music.

Normally ten lines of dialogue is too much, but it works here.

What's wrong with "Just like that" rather than "Just-like-that"?

"QUICK FLASH ON -" Is this a shooting script?

Too bad you don't own the rights to The Twilight Zone.

1900 hours? Are they in the Army?

The P.O.V. shot should be written as follows:

NED P.O.V. - THE ROOM

And then, when you end the P.O.V. just write:

BACK TO SCENE

unless you're changing to a new scene.

Or you could just say that the room spins around without indicating P.O.V.

P9, what's with the page break?

I'm suspicious of Rupert.

"Have you called the Police?" The actual police or Sting's old band?

"eerily close" to...? Or "eerily close to Ned"?

"spot of bother[,] mate"

Now I'm suspicious of Mack.

"looks at [as?] Ned[,]
shake[s?] his head slowly and sadly." Confused. ??

Wow. Very good. You "cheated" by "including" the wife, but the script was so damn good that I forgive you.

Fails the test.  And I am not a fan of fan work.

I'm not a fan of fan stories.  While I enjoy twilight zone stories as much as the next person, I would rather do without Rod.  And this one reminds me of the Dick York episode where the coin stood on edge all day.  I liked that one.  

As an avid fan of the Twilight Zone you had me from the introduction of the narrator...until you lost me.

Too many action blocks made me feel like I was reading a book instead of a screenplay.  That being said, your writing was excellent.

While the story had a definitely Twilight Zone vibe, I felt the story just didn't connect with me.  It started strong, but you lost me after page 3.

My biggest gripe, however, was the amount of dialogue spoken by the narrator.  Serling never would have used that much useless exposition.

All in all, not the worst of the competition, but not my favorite.  I would definitely be curious to read more of this author's work.

Thanks!
Brian

Seems to break the rules with a female character in the first pages... but hey see where it goes...

Not keen on all the camera/shot direction, or Narrator, but that's just me... ah Rod Serling, makes  little more sense...

His confusion and reactions to his capture were well done and his confusion came through well, but then I got confused and I'm not entirely sure what happened.

Solid title
Logline completely lacks information, orientation, and general identification like: Conflict, plot, character, atmosphere, world, raise expectations, mirror the genre… there's nothing of it.

(All that discussion on female stereotypes, their physical descriptions, everywhere and everywhere, and here I immediately and especially unintentionally connect the whole character description of this guy to probably the coolest, biggest male sex symbol of the last century - James Dean – the ultimate man. Unreal… was that all a joke and a show even before and during the whole challenge…what a disservice this climate was, and it's sad how many people adapted those fake arguments, burnt scripts before looking beyond, read things into them – unreal –  So, should I take the chance now and bail on Dean in his typical Porsche roadster, cigarette hanging from his mouth, cool as shit in body language, fluffy hair, looks better than his clothes??? A last pfff!!! It was all hot air…)

Whatever, it wasn't and isn't my game, nor focus with all those scripts, not at all,

so fortunately I can say the whole opening scene looks fine, very good descriptions, well presented visuals, especially the stuff with the narrator on the street felt pretty unique.

Both genders – fails our (reversal) Bechdel test of this challenge, so slight minus point for sure

The second half of p3 is simply great, atmospheric, calm… talented presented, unique

I like the progressing change of rhythm you execute then as well. A great acceleration of the story there, exactly at the right time.

I'm at p11, and this is all been built up in fantastic manner, the tension is there – I'm so excited what happens on the last page!

Okay. This is David Lynch territory. Up my alley – Yes. Completely.

But it's not entirely there yet. I think you know that.

I feel the final concept of the script, just because of the ending, is a bit vague and safe… which sounds crazy considering the script's content.

I try to explain: In spite of the crazy stuff with the boy, I still always had the feeling there's a huge possibility for a definitely "real" and "causal" conclusion to come. So the ending felt more like an escape to explain the "twilight/split reality/illusion" concept or whatever we may call it. There was too big of a divergence in case of my personal expectations "how it could end" so to say. Sometimes that can feel a bit strange.

It's nevertheless my favorite script here if nothing extremely crazy happens in my last reads.

A great execution. Some phone calls to cut, some to rethink in case what I said about the ending (<-imo!!! And that said, this consistency of concept could also possibly be found in act one or two – and not in the actual execution of the ending -- rather in the IMPACT of the ending concerning the whole experience)

The script violated the most important rule of the challenge ALTHOUGH in the OWC I give a bigger margin in favor of the writer and respect if that's what the writer found – so be it. So, of course, I vote for the awesome read!!!

Just great, aesthetic, imaginative, thrilling… it's enough now, right…???

Quoted from PrussianMosby The script violated the most important rule of the challenge ALTHOUGH in the OWC I give a bigger margin in favor of the writer and respect if that's what the writer found – so be it. So, of course, I vote for the awesome read!!! Just great, aesthetic, imaginative, thrilling… it's enough now, right…???

Wrong!  How can you vote for a script that broke 1 of only 2 challenge parameters?  Really?  C'mon, bro...you can't do that.  If everyone was able to break this requirement, many of the entries would not have the problems they have.

This script cannot be considered, based on the fact it broke the rule.  Period!!!

Quoted from Dreamscale Wrong!  How can you vote for a script that broke 1 of only 2 challenge parameters?  Really?  C'mon, bro...you can't do that.  If everyone was able to break this requirement, many of the entries would not have the problems they have. This script cannot be considered, based on the fact it broke the rule.  Period!!!

I understand your argument. The deduction I considered are in no contrast to my sympathy for the script. Feelings are more important to me than absolute strictness, what may be wrong in the eyes of others. As said, I understand your argument.

That it is not going to be my only high score and that it probably has no slightest chance to "win" does not matter, we agree on this, right? It's a principle thing, right...

So what consequence does such violation of parameters have in case of your assessment? Is it the lowest score no matter what?