Hey Mark, first things first - I love the title! Had me laughing before I'd even opened the script. This was a pretty solid first 12 pages for a comedy and you've got me wanting to know what's gonna happen now Greg has the phone.

I know a few people have said that all the characters were unlikable, but I didn't see it that way. Especially with Greg - I saw him as the typical brow-beaten husband/father always trying to please his family, but always coming up short. Here's a few notes I made as I read:


P.2

Grandma saying "Wish I was dead" had me laughing.


P.3

'Moments later' should be in all caps.

'The faces say it all' would read better as 'Their faces…'

Samantha in the too small cowgirl outfit followed by the "you look like a circus monkey" raised another laugh.


P.4

"Oh know, that's worse" should be "Oh no…"


P.5

Duct taping Samantha into a diaper made me laugh again. Especially the half cowgirl/ half baby image, then Grandma inexplicably bursting into "Oh Holy Night".


P.10

Mr. Chow asks for money and Greg gives it him, but they never discuss an actual amount.


P.11

I was beginning to think to myself that this was definitely giving off a Gremlins vibe, so kudos on the Mogwai joke.


Well, after 12 pages, you got 3 or 4 solid laughs out of me which seems like a very good return - hopefully you can keep the gags up for the rest of the feature. One thing I would suggest is changing Mr. Chow's name. As soon as he was introduced I immediately thought of Mr. Chow from The Hangover.

Thanks Steve

I was getting ready to reply to everyone and then I saw your feedback and you state exactly what I was going to write.
I don't see Greg as hate able, he's a clueless father, having to deal with his alcoholic wife loudmouth parents and spoilt teenager.
Still he puts his wife in bed and runs out in the middle of the night, to makes amends and make his daughter feel better.

I should make the protag more clearer as it will be sam, who kinda wants a new family and the phone proves that she always had the best family... i think

Thank you to everyone who left feedback

Mark

Hey Mark;

Pretty funny!

The line about the two valiums and large glasses isn't needed (Show don't tell principle. You have her stumbling around on pg.3, but could be suggested when she tries to take the picture...

I'll side with Ashley and Greg on the Disposable Camera! Digital pictures are shot and forgotten while actual photos (and the accompanying humiliation) can last forever...

Austin doesn't really add anything at this point, unless you are gonna use him later...The baby does. 45 is a little old to have a baby, although "unexpected miracles happen." Could be used later.

The gift scene seems very derivative of Ralphie's Bunny Suit in Christmas Story...Suggest tweaking. Perhaps make it a highly inappropriate Sexy Cowgirl Costume instead...

The scene in Samantha's room. Seems like Samantha or Greg would have shut the door, although I get that the Acker's are an unusual bunch, which is part of thier charm...(See Louie CK playing Greg, particularly where he describes his thirtieth birthday)

The diaper bit? That was awesome.

Dialogue/Non-verbal interactions with Bella and Sam are on target...Can feel Sam's pain and mental anguish at the thought of being afflicted with a flip phone...

Saw the gag with the old man coming, but worth it.

The maxi-pad statement lends to the magical nature of the store, as if he's been chosen or predesitined to walk in the door...Thought of Gremlins before you mentioned the reference...

Good start. Looking forward to seeing why the leader is not pleased

Thanks Blakkwolfe.

Hopefully I can keep it up for another 80 pages

Mark