Make America Great Again by Walter Gates & Carl Bernwood - Short, Apocalypse, Drama, Political, Thriller - In post-apocalyptic Oklahoma, one year into Donald Trump's presidency, three people with opposing political views discover a tape proving that the President colluded with Russia. 12 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

More one for the yanks than brits, but we can out that aside.

Digging up reels of tape in a desert? For no apparent reason, hey ho.

I like the idea of a discovery after an event, but this one wasn't for me.

And they never did get to McDonald's ...

Hate the title, that is a phrase that grates on me more than anything in the world!

Hmm, starts with the biggest co-incidence ever and on a media that seems unlikely! Hope both get some sort of explanation...

Azure and Ashley... too many As.

So the co-incidence and media get a mention but no explanation... I'm struggling.

Okay, so many hope something like this comes to pass, but I just couldn't get into it as there was no real conflict, felt a little by the numbers.

I feel like there might be some sort of political undertones with this one.

Call it a 'fifth sense', a 'hunch', 'woman's intuition'.  Others may not see it, but I do.


On to the script:

I have no idea what this was about.

It's well written, the dialogue flows, and it's easy to visualize...but...I don't know what the hell is going on.

I was hoping that the ending would clear some things up, but I was just as lost there as I was in the beginning.

Jordan

The parody (?) isn't quite fitting with the theme of Apocalypse, to me, just conspiracy  Odd that the last names of the heroes are those of Presidents, one of which resigned because of a scandal. In any case, I never been a fan of that sort of thing with names in a script. I don't care for it when writers namedrop the last names of directors and authors to show me how Geek they are, I don't find it amusing when the names of former Presidents are used as names of fictional characters. Maybe if the last names were less obvious or more appropriate like Coolidge or Ford.(two past Presidents who had to 'clean up' scandals from the previous administrations of their own party)

I'm not a Trump supporter by any means, but taking jabs at the other Republicans and/or others in office is overkill.  Even in this land of fiction, only Trump and Putin are on the tape. Not VP Pence. Not Speaker of the House Ryan. Nobody else.Or does the discovery of the tape (which suggests a wiretap?) actually bring about Armageddon?

Ah! Maybe we are on to something! After all, what is anarchy but the absence of government?  

I'm curious about the ending. These guys are better off but the entire office is using typewriters? Maybe I I was right about the anarchy thing and we all went back to War Against The Typewriter Ribbons and the White Out.

I got a lot of scripts to read so I'll say this.

As pisser's go, this isn't even a good one because it's boring. You spend a tone of time describing clothes and that is one of my biggest pet peeves, clothes don't make character, but in this case that's all your has, the shirts on their backs. Fitting given the story.

Very bland on the nose dialogue. There is no plot really. Just wandering. Too many verbs ending in "ing".

The concept isn't even done that well. It's a one trick pony you beat to death by the end of the first page. I got to page 5 before I realized this was going nowhere.

Better luck next time. Feel free to blame Trump for your lackluster script while you're at it too! Or maybe it was Putin who sabotaged it? Who knows, lol.

Hey writer,

Alas, not for me unfortunately. Nothing really worked or made that much sense.

If you're going to go surreal and extreme for comedy effect, go up a gear. This kinda sat in 3rd gear, with the angles and content meant to be extreme and funny, but not really hitting the target. Then the ending, in doing headlines for half a page didn't really work, could have done that in three lines.

Regardless, well done on entering,

Cam

Was he digging for prairie dogs for lunch? I went back to check what you had for genre thinking this was a comedy or satire. Being post-apocalypse, who would care about an unsubstantiated reel to reel? Didn't get the ending either.

Sorry, not for me. Kudos for entering!

Well, I was expecting something like this. Where Trump is blamed for the apocalypse. Seems right to me. But I’d like to know more about what happened. He just financially broke the country? While breaking the environment? I guess I’ll go with that. But Trump didn’t cause a nuclear war? Or did he? Did I miss something?
The way they find the tape is, for me, just not plausible.
I've been through Oklahoma many times. There is no dinner in the dirt.
They go to Hoss. They leave Hoss. They go back to Hoss.  It’s a bit redundant.
And the world believes their story? And no one tries to kill them?
The dialogue was okay. Characters were rather cliché.
Sorry. Can't say I'd vote for this one.  

For an apocalypse, there seem to be a lot of newspapers, television stations, McDonald's, etc. still in business, so what kind of apocalypse was it? Nuclear war? Economic? Not really sure it fits the contest rules, but I'll let that slide, I guess.

The bigger issue for me is that I can't tell if it's trying to be a comedy or drama. I guess maybe a dramedy? But the story doesn't seem to make any sense to me, especially the logic behind it.  Reel to reel tapes buried in Oklahoma, but they're only voice recordings? Why bury them? Why not burn them?  And how can they prove (if it's only voice recordings) that it's Putin and Trump?  Seems like the political humor isn't sharp or biting enough to make any sort of commentary.  The writing itself was fine, but the story just fell flat for me.

Best of luck,
Gary

Logline doesn’t pull any punches though I’m wondering how this will play as a drama/political/thriller -- feels more suited to satire or comedy.

After reading I’m just confused.  All I’ve got to go on is your intent but this doesn’t play out like a drama or a thriller - more like satire or farce.  Though I’m not sure what to make of the tone at all.  Digging for food in the desert one moment then heading to McDonalds for burgers the next...

‘...the biggest political scandal since Watergate’.  Seems like a moot point given the post-apocalyptic setting.  But then what was this apocalypse?  Nuclear?  Gradual disintegration of society?  People are still employed, money is still relevant and national papers are still in circulation enough with a government in place…  Apologies to the writers but this one feels rushed into place with little thought to the execution.  I just found it hard to see the logic behind it.

Sorry to say, this one didn't do much for me at all. An anti-Trump piece would be fine, but this, for lack of a better word, was boring.

I'm not an American so maybe I have missed some things, but this didn't seen funny, dramatic, thrilling. It was flat. I did keep reading because I felt something would happen. Sadly, nothing did.

Sorry, not for me.

Not a big political humor guy, but willing to give this a chance.

Azure, huh?  if you insist that's a name, then i believe you.

not exactly gripping dialogue in the first scene.  also, i know it fits the story, but 2 people in 2018 only wearing democratic politically themed t shirts seems like a stretch.

don't like the characters explaining everything.  doesn't feel natural at all.

This McDonalds stuff better have a strong payoff.  

it didn't.

not for me.  

Title makes me think this is going to be a pisser.

Title page makes me think this is going to be a pisser even more.

Yeah, as I thought.  Not funny, not a serious effort.  I'm out.

No grade.

Aha someone tackling Trump

Not exactly a riveting read and not exactly creative. Using a story that's out now and just sticking it in your script and then dragging it on for 12 pages didn't really work for me.
Humor wise it was ok

The writing was pretty good.

Good job on entering