Nice title, funny logline.
First sentence contains the word "shit." I usually don't swear in the action lines and save it all for the fucking dialogue.
Whatever makes me look more fucking professional.
How "slightly overweight" is John? Are we talking Homer Simpson, 2017 skinny John Goodman, Roseanne John Goodman, Flintstones John Goodman, John Candy, Pavarotti, or King Kong?
A "sign" of the Apocalypse. And a "fucking" funny one, too.
Quoted Text [John] Shak[es] the door violently this time[,] but it still doesn’t open. |
Quoted Text JOHN ({u}nder his Breath) Fuck. That’s my day ruined. |
Parentheticals, which would be used sparingly anyway (if at all), should start with a lowercase letter.
Watch out for orphans, too. Too many of those will waste a good page or two.
I'd put "one year sobriety" in quotes or hyphenate it.
Some writers hate it when you repeat your slug in your action line
EXT. HOUSE - DAY
A beautiful house.
It's redundant, unless there's no other way to write the action. And there's almost always another (better) way.
"Four Horseman." I see what you did there.
"stops dead in [his] tracks"
Is Under His Breath somebody's name? If not, no need to capitalize.
I have nothing against (most of) today's pop music, but does rock no longer exist?
Quoted Text The more the fucking merrier on the one way train to Shitsville! |
Take the last train to Shitsville
And I'll meet you at the station
You can be there by four-thirty
'Cause I've made your reservation
"Wanna" drink or "want a" drink? Two different things.
"Hold on[,] love."
"back s[h]elf"
A 50s hipster or a 2010s hipster? "Cool, daddy-o" or "I don't listen to Halsey anymore; she's too mainstream. Ugh!"? It might help to specify, since some people still like to dress up like Fonzie or a beatnik.
Titles such as Mister need to be spelled out in dialogue, for timing reasons.
"Jack Daniel's"
"John's hand"
A literal demon! Nice. He even Rick James-es his name.
"one of [my] seven deadly sins."
"the everything about envy"??
A literal sloth! Ha ha! Nice!
Hell, the place, is usually capitalized.
Quoted Text Hold him down. |
Quoted Text But it's the devil that's tryna
Hold me down, hold me down Sneaking out the back door, make no sound Knock me out, knock me out Saying that I want more, this is what I live for
Hold me down, hold me down Throw me in the deep end, watch me drown Knock me out, knock me out Saying that I want more, this is what I live for
- Halsey, "Hold Me Down" |
"bottle [of] Jack Daniel['s] in his hand"
Quoted Text Fuck me, I did it again. |
"Oops! I did it again" would've been hilarious, too.
"Four Horsemen." "Fade to Black." Intentional? *Metallica*
That was a hoot! Lots of laughs, and suits the apocalypse criteria.