I thought this was pretty good.  Insane, but, good.  I mean, there's no clue to the existence of N

SPOILERS
Nightmare and the Baku.  No real explanation where they come from.  Too much time showing Billy as a coward.  

Where does the title fit in?  

Don't you love it when the bad guys just tell what all the secrets are without any real reason to do so,  First, the Dr, then Nightmare.

So, why did he have to die?  It's never really said.  We get it, a coward can get brave to save his child...

The page limit hurt you.

Dan

I have no clue what I just read. But I do know that Transcendence did it better.

Not my bowl of cereal. Sorry.

Title is not centered

P6 Hmm, Transcendence…?

All right. This has its moments for sure. The story has a nice B-movie vibe, a bit trashy, in a positive way. I also like the presentation and especially enjoyed flying through all the quickly readable passages everywhere - definitely the other side of the spectrum when regarding long winded prose writing. I like how you handle things your way. Such brevity, for me, clearly is a respected tool that belongs to the craft of good screenwriting.

The Baku creatures came out of nothing. I enjoyed following the story. It was constantly moving forward. In hindsight so many things happened, however, I always felt being live in the moment and something kept my attention. Well done.

This was a wild ride. Yes, there were some typos and the early memories were redundant, but I kinda dug the story once I realized he was comatose battling the nightmare being. Did his dream-state action help all the others in comas? That's the big question. With a revision or two, this could be an awesome little story. Also, was it critical for the doctor to be Albanian? Just curious. Good work!

Writer,

This story didn't grab me, sorry to say. There's lots of on the nose dialogue, and nothing really pops. You need to give your characters names, too. Girlfriend just doesn't work. I found nothing that really connected me to Billy, even though he had a bit of a rough past. Too many vignettes on him growing up, but they all said the same thing - he's a wimp. Your writing needs to make me feel something. As is, it just doesn't work. Lots of rookie mistakes. Keep at it though. The more you write the better you get! Decent effort.

Steve

I really like the turns in this and the structure. REally good job on that and it matters a lot.

One thing I did not like was all the dialogue explaining everything. There has to be a quicker way or a way to show it. If you have to have the dialogue, at least streamline it so that it doesn't drag the story down.

For me this got a bit too weird at the end but kudos on the original going.

Good job.

I like it when small details tell a story, and right now the ages of your characters are telling me that when Mom and Dad were 16 they couldn't keep it in their pants.

“Once you fall into the coma, there’s nothing left of your brain, at all.”  That's not really a coma than, is it? Aren't they just dead?

The visuals of the screens and the people inside them could be better described. Is this surveillance video? Are they in white rooms? What are they wearing? Considering how strange it is to see a comatose person screaming on TV, I really think more detail is needed to understand what exactly is being implied with this image.

“If these are to be my last words, then I have one question.” The dialogue is really heavy handed through this whole scene.

Jeton never looked at his own screens?

There's some interesting ideas here, but the execution feels more rushed than most. This would need a serious rewrite to tie all the elements together in a way that makes sense and is reasonably paced.

Project: Beatitude - Apocalypse, Sci Fi - As billions slip into an irreversible coma, the fate of humanity hinges on a gutless man battling the ultimate evil. 

Rating: 1
Thoughts: I get these loglines all the time that end in the most vague terms possible.  "battling the ultimate evil."  I don't know what that means so how can I be invested in the idea?


TITLE: Project Beatitude

STORY

Concept is fresh/and or original - 3

Theme is well executed/interweaved - 2

Stakes are clear/conflict is strong and or compelling - 3

Story - 1

Ending - 2

CHARACTER/DIALOGUE

Protagonist(s) is (are) likable and/or compelling - 2

Dialogue reads naturally/believable within this story - 1

Dialogue reveals character -  1

READABILITY

Action text "shows" instead of "tells" - 3

Overall readability - 2

Total: 2.0

Hey guys,
    I wrote this one.  Thanks for all the reads and comments.

I gotta admit, I was totally lost what to write.  I wanted to write a big story with a small set of pages.  But, I used them badly.

I should have started the story in the break room and perhaps shown a flashback when Nightmare shows up.  Same for the Baku.

I wanted to do something odd, but, still scary as hell.  And I learned a lot, but, now, am confused about loglines a bit.  I will read stories that got higher than mine and figure out what I did wrong by seeing what they did right.

And this really proves what I have been saying, the gatekeepers are brutal.  They are overworked and willing to skim or toss a script aside for nearly any reason.

The other mistake I made was that no one caught my "easter eggs" or clues about what was going on.  Some of the names meant stuff if anyone googled them.  For the future, if I do something like that again, I will have to make sure the references are very obvious.  

I am happy because I felt that I showed a bit of growth for the OWC rules.  The page limit has hurt me for each OWC and this was the first one that I didn't have to cut pages.  I structured it better.  

I still have to use my time better.  As most can tell, I wrote prose for years and switching to screenwriting is difficult since it is such a different medium.  

Thanks again and let me know if anyone wants a deeper explanation for their stories.

Dan

Hi Dan,

Loglines are tough cookies. All the advice from all the books I've every read say to come up with the logline first. I never do lol but I should really. The reason, they say, is if you can't come up with a compelling logline which encapsulates your story in a couple of sentences, there's something wrong with your story before you've even begun writing it.

How much do you give away in a logline? You give away enough to tell people what your story is about without telling them the whole story. You don't confuse them with obscurity but at the same time you don't tell them the ending. Here's a great article which I found helpful.

http://noamkroll.com/an-easy-g.....-as-your-screenplay/

-Mark