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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April 2017 OWC  ›  The Prophetic Angel - OWC Moderators: Grandma Bear
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  Author    The Prophetic Angel - OWC  (currently 2174 views)
Don
Posted: April 21st, 2017, 11:21pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Prophetic Angel by A Little Fluffy Cloud - Short, Apocalypse, Drama, YA - Trapped in a coma by a failed drug trial, but still able to hear, a homeless man's survival soon depends on the visions of the daughter he abandoned. 13 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Dreamscale
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 2:17am Report to Moderator
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1st of the bunch, and as I said, I aim to read each and every entry from page 1 to page 12...or however long they go, assuming they don't go more than 12 pages.

Out of the gate, I have to say I feel like this is trying too hard, and because of that, it's quickly a difficult read.

The INSERT here is extremely awkward and out of place.

The CEO's dialogue is poor and full of mistakes - missing multiple commas, but the biggest, is obviously "suffers", which I have to assume should be "sufferers".

The INSERT and BACK TO isn't correct as written, either, and page 1 would normally lead me to jump ship, but, hey...what did I say?  I'm in, brother or sister!

OK, damn...I'm gonna stay in, but I may have to stop commenting, but I will...I HAVE to say a few things - you've got characters here that speak many lines and you name them "Doctor" and "Lawyer"?  Very bad move....actually, terrible move!

"destain"?  WTF?  AM I missing something here?  What is this supposed to mean?

Page 4 - WTF?  Totally lost...

OK...I read it all...and I have basically no clue what was going on, see absolutely no attempt at the challenge of something/anything involving an apocalypse of any kind, unless I totally missed something or everything.

Incredibly hard to get through.  Incredibly hard to understand.  Incredibly hard to read.

No way for me, sorry to say.  I won't be grading this one, but thanks for entering.
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Gum
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 10:39am Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,

With the help of his psychic daughter, a man overcomes the confines of dementia. Love, apparently, conquers all and, will always transcend time and space for those who seek its guiding power. Heart warming tale, I really enjoyed this one.

Some of the flashbacks forced me to do a double read but, at only 12 pages I don’t really mind investing a few more minutes to determine what the author was going for. It’s always assumed a person would wander in a vast environment whilst between worlds and, that works for me, however, if a person is lost to their own internal suffrage, then, confined spaces would be better suited IMO. Perhaps he (Edward) is in a dark, cavernous dwelling, feeling claustrophobic and lost within a matrix of emotional torment.

Claire is his guide, medium to find his way out of that matrix and into the beautiful field under a vast blue sky. Then, there would be no need for Edward to make an appearance, as some ominous specter within the final scene; he could merely transmit his thoughts and feelings to Claire of finally being released from the clutches from the underworld of dementia. Perhaps these cavernous tunnels, (catacomb of dead brain matter) could represent a maze of neurological pathways within Edward’s corporeal structure; he’s lost within them and cannot properly ignite a Synapses within his brain to function, thus… Claire guides him through the darkness of a failing mind. All just opinion of course.

Great tale but, I’m not feeling the Apocalyptic vibe anywhere. Unless you were painting some type of visual indicating society is engulfed in a pandemic of dementia? Well written with a clear set of visuals kept me going till the end. Best of luck!
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Cameron
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 11:01am Report to Moderator
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Hey writer,

It's very well written and exceptionally well crafted. It really drew emotions out of myself, warmth, love, panic, hate, all in there and all very real. Writing style and pacing was bang on for myself, the ramping up of the pace towards the end, before the handbrake basically comes on, really well done.

Now, all of the above being said, I'm really sad to have to rule it out due to the lack of an apparent apocalypse. It kills me but there we go! Exceptionally well done, this could easily find life outside this challenge, but alas it won't win it for myself.

Cam
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Conz
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 11:12am Report to Moderator
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it's part of the scoring, so i have to say... i don't like this title, and the logline doesn't make sense - Trapped in a coma by a failed drug trial - what does that mean?

Not feeling very apocalyptic so far...

I like the way you are doing the hearing scenes - putting the character in an actual place with the voices off screen.  i'm sure it's been done before but it's still a clever device.

"Just like my deaf grandma..."  eh, i have a feeling I'm not gonna like this development, and the way it's just flat said is iffy... but i can't offer a better way to do it so I'll shut up.

I have a real pet peeve ...  every single time I read a script with a little boy/girl character, every single line of their dialogue has "mommy" or "daddy" in it. Now, I know that's supposed to ring authentic and that's probably how all little kids talk, it just gets repetitive and annoying.  And i doubt a kid this age, who constantly says "daddy" would also say "wait, aren't I next of kin as well?"

how was this apocalyptic?  i think there was some cool stuff in there, but how does it qualify?  it's a story about death, but not the apocalypse.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 23rd, 2017, 6:30am Report to Moderator
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This one shows a lot of promise outside of this OWC but it is all over the place at the moment.

There’s no apocalypse for a start but putting that aside, you can lose the first 2 pages easily. They are confusing and not essential to the plot. We don’t need to know that he’s in a coma due to some failed drug trial, this has no bearing on the story. He’s in a coma, start with that and maybe add an explanation as you go along.

What makes this interesting is the interaction between the outside world, his daughters actions, and the unconscious world he’s trapped in. This is where the meat of the story is and it’s very good. The doors bit reminds me of Stephen King's Dark Tower but it is different enough to stand apart.

I didn’t buy for one second the Doctor would be delayed by the little girl saying she’s next of kin as well, there’s only one next of kin and that’s the adult. You need to come up with another reason to delay the execution.

For a one week challenge this is a very promising start but needs a lot of work in my opinion.

-Mark


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 23rd, 2017, 6:28pm Report to Moderator
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I think with some work this could make for a very effective drama that really tugs on the heart strings... but...

I think it could be shortened and tightened, I had to re-read sequences a couple of times to double check where I was.

And there's nothing apocalyptic here, so would have to rule out on those grounds.


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Wes
Posted: April 23rd, 2017, 7:40pm Report to Moderator
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So there are people being grabbed off the streets for a drug trial. Edward is a “Control Sample”. To me that would mean that he didn’t get the drug. So Edward is in a coma from a drug he didn’t take.  Then the psychic conversation with his daughter begins . . .
Am I getting this right?
Looks like there are folks here who feel this is a good start. So, that's nice.
I'm afraid I can't get through it.
Best of luck.


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EWall433
Posted: April 23rd, 2017, 9:03pm Report to Moderator
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As I read on I became unsure whether the prologue was really necessary.

I like that you've given Edward a specific goal of having to get through doorways, but it still seemed unclear exactly what was expected to happen when he got through them.

"DOCTOR
I’m sorry Mrs Birch, I will need to
ask legals for guidance"

Is he really unclear about whether or not he has to respect the medical decisions of a ten-year old? I know this was to give Claire more time, but it's not convincing.

I don't think the dementia treatment angle added much. How does it explain the connection between Edward and Claire? I'd also be interested to hear the rationale for how this is an apocalypse story. For the time being, I'm not seeing it.
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CameronD
Posted: April 25th, 2017, 10:30am Report to Moderator
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Not sure how this is apocalyptic in any way at all.

That said the writing is very very good. The script flows, but the story does not. It seems we spend too much time in the cornfield talking back and forth between Edward and Claire. It's a lot of pages I think could be cut down. A lot just turns in exposition, like a giant flashback and parts work, others not so much.

Also, how does the experimental drug mentioned at the beginning have anything to do with the rest of the story? This could just be a regular guy in a regular hospital and things wouldn't change much at all.

Again, this is quite well written and just needs some tweaks to the story to make it stronger. Very strong imagery.

Too bad it has little to do with the contest theme.


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Gary in Houston
Posted: April 25th, 2017, 7:31pm Report to Moderator
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So it's not in line with the contest theme, but it is nicely drawn, rich visuals, a "Gladiator" feel where he's walking through the wheat as he dies. I was almost expecting a different ending, but I'm glad you left it as you did.

Nice work here - maybe resubmit it as a drama short on the regular board to get more views and reviews.

Best of luck,
Gary


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I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
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PrussianMosby
Posted: April 25th, 2017, 7:43pm Report to Moderator
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EXT. CORNFIELD - CLEARING – DAY <- as I understand it regarding your script, this is a specific kind of VISION scene. There are different ways to handle those. You definitely should do some research because it, imo, must be marked properly when we enter this sphere. It also must be spoken out clearly if his hospital bed is standing in the middle of the clearing. Show what's going on exactly? So that I don't have to interpret, rather can follow the flow without any hiccups.

Otherwise, I like what you're doing.

Btw: with the intercut and other later formatting, you show a much better handling and control. Well done there. Only the first step into this otherworld is where you need to help us a bit more I feel. It's difficult, I understand that.

"DOCTOR
Well, perhaps. I’m not sure."

This part is unbelievable and feels constructed. Also it's hard to believe how Susan confronts her daughter in front of her dying father.

It needs a rewrite for sure but this is my kind of story. Kept me invested in a way that I even forgot till the end that you almost completely missed the topic here. Lots of heart and sensitivity. A fanciful world within an imaginative storyline.

First of all, for the potential rewrite, I'd suggest to leave out that whole futuristic drug/dementia part. As written now, this SF-angle from the introduction soon feels out of place in the proceeding of the story.

Very well done. It's a huge picture to me, with a strong emotional impression, so I have a lot of understanding this script needs a second go and more time. Thumbs up from my side.



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SAC
Posted: April 25th, 2017, 9:19pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Ehh!! No apocalypse in sight = failed the challenge. Just a mention of the apocalypse isn't good enough. It needs to drive the story, at least a little. But...

I actually liked this for what it was. It seemed you had a bittersweet vision, and you had decent pacing. However, I get a feeling you're a new writer without a ton of experience, yet you attempted a heartfelt story that had a lot going for it. Don't trash this one. Work on it some more. Good effort!

Steve


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DanC
Posted: April 26th, 2017, 1:31am Report to Moderator
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Sorry, but, I agree with everyone else and can't add anything here.  It wasn't apocalyptic in any way.  That was the crux of the challenge.

I knew he'd live at the end.  I just didn't buy the drama of it.

Sorry again
Dan


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irish eyes
Posted: April 26th, 2017, 7:23am Report to Moderator
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A lack of Apocalypse in an Apocalypse challenge...Not a good show.

The script itself as stand alone is pretty decent and maybe you might want to redraft it and post it later.

Good writing, nice story just not for this challenge


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