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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April 2017 OWC  ›  Lost Apocrypha - OWC Moderators: Grandma Bear
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  Author    Lost Apocrypha - OWC  (currently 3074 views)
Dreamscale
Posted: April 24th, 2017, 11:02pm Report to Moderator
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This starts very slowly for me,and I'm not getting any real visuals for this old place.

Stryker's words go on too long.

Just starting page 3 but I feel like I've read 5 already.  Very dense, but for me, not much really being said...or shown, as this into scene is very stagnant.

Hmm, quite a tonal shift here and then pure mayhem...which I appreciate, but for some reason, it's just not working that well here.  I really don't know why, as the writing seems to be pretty good, very few mistakes and very unique.

I don't like the last speech from the chief, nor do I really like where this went, but it is creative and well put together and well thought through.

Score - 3.5.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 25th, 2017, 5:49am Report to Moderator
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I found it difficult to connect with this. It started off interesting. I like the period setting and how you've taken one of the great mysteries and tried to explain it. Some nice writing, easy to follow.

It just seemed to become more comical as it went along. It's like when Wieclaw desperately tries to get them to sacrifice her 12 year old daughter. It went very Monty Python for me. When Stryker says no she pleads, "Please, Father, it's worth a try." That actually made me chuckle.

Then it went very left field and yet these spawns of hell were easily dispatched by simple arrows?

When the Dark Lord emerged the dialogue went all stage play, which just seemed to make it all the more like a comedy. I could just imagine John Cleese playing Satan and saying, "Look you, I'll do the Apocalypse when I'm good and ready, got it??"

Which I'm sure was not your intention, but that's how it came across to me. So sorry, not my cup of apocalypse. I can see others loved it, just goes to show how opinions can radically differ on every script.  

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Conz
Posted: April 25th, 2017, 9:21am Report to Moderator
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i love that logline.  it was the one that intrigued me most when the thread first went up.

It didn't go where i thought it would, and was teetering on boring with the church stuff, but ramped up pretty well.

I bought all the dialogue, it seemed authentic, but it dragged early.  

Is this technically an apocolyptic script if there is no apocolypse? eh, I'll let others decide.  

I won't say it's my favorite story, but it's well written and solid enough.


I'd list my "work" here, but I don't know how to hyperlink.  

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Heretic
Posted: April 26th, 2017, 6:53am Report to Moderator
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1 - "an old growth forest of the New World" - Nice.

Really enjoyed this. I don't have much to say about it, actually. It's original, it's fun, and it hits all the right notes. I was a little disappointed when the Dark Lord showed up so quickly, but only because I wanted to see the battle play out.

Could add some foreshadowing for the idea of bringing on the apocalypse and whose right that is, etc. I guess I think the universe rules could be a bit clearer, even while retaining the necessary ambiguity.

Two thumbs up from me.
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ChrisBodily
Posted: April 27th, 2017, 10:23pm Report to Moderator
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History lesson. Nice. Here we go.

Normally, that prayer would be considered too long, but it works for me.


Quoted Text
It's all his fault!


Doesn't read like authentic period English.


Quoted Text
Tis all his fault!



Quoted Text
Pick me[,] Father!


If this is THE Chief Powhatan (father of Pocahontas), he was born June 17, 1545, which would make him 44 in 1589, not 50.

Hell, the place, is usually capitalized.

Nice take on pre-American history. Engaging story. I'd say it qualifies as an apocalypse, albeit one from history, which is probably even cooler.

I got a tad confused when they transformed into beasts, but other than that, no real problems.

Superb job.  


FADE IN:
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Pale Yellow
Posted: April 28th, 2017, 9:47am Report to Moderator
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Out of the gate, I am in LOVE with this concept.

Wow the best writing on display here. Great job.

Super great job Writer!
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stevemiles
Posted: April 28th, 2017, 3:06pm Report to Moderator
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Logline intrigues…

Starts off alright - like the change of scenery and period.  Not sure how an apocalypse works into this but we’ll see.  Interesting idea but the dialogue felt out of step with the period in places which doesn’t help carry the set-up.  I appreciate the alternative history take on the lost colony (maybe one to come back to..?) but I couldn’t really connect to the story here.  Seems like an overreaction to bring about the end the world because of conflict with a local tribe.  Why move all the way out to the New World to avoid persecution if you had that power to start with?  Probably over-thinking it…  Entertaining read with plenty of action but the whole lurch to demonic beasts just isn’t for me.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


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SAC
Posted: April 29th, 2017, 6:11am Report to Moderator
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… but some dreams do

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Writer,

Written well and all, and I was able to see what you wanted me to, but the actual story didn't do much for me. I just found it hard to relate to the characters, as it was basically only Stryker who was featured, and I couldnt figure out why he was saying or doing what he was. I mean, I get it, I guess - it's just I found it hard to relate to this due to the lack of characterization. I felt nothing for either antagonist or protagonist, and it ended on a note that just doesn't satisfy. Good effort, though.

Steve


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: April 29th, 2017, 9:23am Report to Moderator
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Logline - alas this one has gone over my head in terms of what it means, let's see...

Well that's a scene and a half.

I'm assuming that the deserted village is a true story, so the story is set around that.

I almost giggled at the chief at the end....we know nothing, time to move folks

I think others have got more out of this than me, can't say I was too drawn into it and the dark lord was a bit left field, or to take nomads words... whatthefucktown ... I somewhat agree.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
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SteveUK
Posted: April 30th, 2017, 5:10am Report to Moderator
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This was a well written and interesting take on the subject. The dialogue was pretty good throughout, although it did seem too modern in parts and could use a little tweaking to make it more authentic.

I didn’t mind the tonal shift, but the ending felt really rushed after the slow start.

One thing I didn’t like was the Dark Lord’s dialogue - it was all too expositional and hokey. In your re-write it might be worth trying to cut his dialogue completely, or just keep it to a few minimal but powerful statements.
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MarkItZero
Posted: May 2nd, 2017, 2:46pm Report to Moderator
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I'm torn on this one because it is very creative and well-written. But I didn't feel invested enough to go along with all the fantasy elements.

You've gotta give me some human elements to care about. I know it's tough cuz of all the exposition needed at the beginning. But the roundabout debates of "sacrifice vs. conversion" and "who should be converted" never opens up anything character-wise. It just introduces a whole bunch of people for a few seconds without getting to know any of them. Then the battle's suddenly upon us, the Dark Lord appearing, and I still have no one to care about.

I'd focus more attention on Rebecca (and not kill her off so quickly). Work in as much character stuff as you possibly can for her. Maybe her mother and father are there begging her not to offer herself as sacrifice. But she's very stubborn and resolute. Or, the opposite, she's scared and uncertain but can't admit it and has to put on a brave face. I'm just spit-balling random things. The point is, establish a real personality.

As for the ending, I liked it from a conceptual standpoint. How it all ties together with the historical events of the colony disappearing. But, again, for me it was just another character getting thrown into the mix without being an actual character. I don't know who this Dark Lord is other than he's the big bad they're worshiping. I'd rather you stick with people we know and you've built up the whole way through. For example, maybe Rebecca is channeling the Dark Lord (ie, she's slowly morphing into something really big and bad during the battle). That's another completely random idea. Point is, new characters popping up at the last minute have a tendency to send everything screeching to a halt.

Overall, very well-written and with a lot of extremely difficult story elements that you managed to pull off for the most part. Now just build up the characters.


That rug really tied the room together.

Revision History (1 edits)
MarkItZero  -  May 2nd, 2017, 3:05pm
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Grandma Bear
Posted: May 6th, 2017, 7:36am Report to Moderator
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Lost Apocrypha - Apocalypse, Horror - The Roanoke Colony wasn't lost, it was recalled.  

 Rating: 1
Thoughts: I don't know what that means.  "Recalled?" What does that mean?


TITLE: Lost Apocrypha

STORY

Concept is fresh/and or original - 4

Theme is well executed/interweaved - 4

Stakes are clear/conflict is strong and or compelling - 4

Story - 3

Ending - 2

CHARACTER/DIALOGUE

Protagonist(s) is (are) likable and/or compelling - 3

Dialogue reads naturally/believable within this story - 3

Dialogue reveals character -  3

READABILITY

Action text "shows" instead of "tells" - 3

Overall readability - 4

Total: 3.3


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JEStaats
Posted: May 6th, 2017, 5:50pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Ah, Chris, you got me...Chief Powhatan WAS only 44 years old! I generalized and said 50. Damn! Can't really confirm if he was Pocahontas' father or not though. Then again, how many Chief Powhatans could there really be?

I'm so totally psyched to get 3rd in the writers choice! Thanks to everyone that took the time to read and supply constructive criticism. Not just for this OWC, but for all since my first entry with trapped in a taxi. The regulars here on SS are the best when it comes to reviews and suggestions. Albeit a bit harsh at times, it all pays off in the end.

I've already started on a revision with everyone's recommendations and look forward to the next OWC!

Thanks again!
John
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DanC
Posted: May 7th, 2017, 1:13am Report to Moderator
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Hey John,
    I really enjoyed this.  I gave it very high marks, so, great job.  I hope you take the comments to heart and fix this up.  It's the start of a solid story.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
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I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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JEStaats
Posted: November 16th, 2018, 4:32pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Hey all - Another OWC has been resurrected from the deep dark and published as a comic as 'Apocrypha Now'.

Take a peek!  https://www.hyperepics.com/apocrypha
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