Life Or Death by Anonymous 6 - Short, Apocalypse, Dramedy, Horror - At a family get together during the zombie apocalypse, two brothers must decide what needs to be done with their elderly, undead mother. 11 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey writer,

This didn't go the way I expected, which is a good thing, but I just didn't buy it at the end.

At time this seems like a comedy, a bit like Shaun of the Dead, but then it also seems not like a comedy and yet the characters are not really acting like the whole world has gone zombie apocalypse.

There was nothing distinguishing Rich and Harry, they seemed very much the same character and I kept on getting confused between the two. I'd recommend having a think about both and giving them there own unique style to set them apart.

I really liked the scene with zombie mum watching the TV and remembering, that was powerful and the one part of this I really liked. I think the problem with this is it starts far too early, there's too much of a setup that is not very interesting and informing the audience what is going on. This really needs to start late with the knock on the door, mum being dragged into the house.

The ending I just didn't buy. These lads are not acting like they've reached the end of their will to live, all hope is lost and they have no fight left in them, so Rich just killing them all and turning them into zombies to join their mother really came too far out of left field for me.

Nicely written. I found that easy to read and visualize.

-Mark  

Well written script with an unexpected turn at the end there.  You know it's British when they're serving tea during the zombie apocalypse.  

Touches of dark Brit humor throughout, which made the ending even more surprising, given the change in tone.  

My only criticism would be that it could have been shortened by a couple pages without losing any of the atmosphere.  Some of the conversations felt like padding.

Very cleanly written, with typos kept to a minimum.  Good logline, simple but solid concept.

Hi,

I really like the logline here. I thought it was a comedy, parts of it are really funny, especially the part about the neighbors and where they laugh about the things that never change.
And how they keep seeping tea while the neighbors are trying to get inside.
The beginning with their mother and them going about how she's a zombie is funny too.
Which is a good thing.
I liked it a lot.
Didn't like the ending though. Don't think you build up to it. And it's sudden. And feels like you missed a large chunk of what you had to tell. How that happened and why. And I didn't understand what the saliva cure, their own cure, was about.

I was really hoping there wouldn't be many zombie scripts, but I'll try not to show and bias.

you broke the fourth wall as if you knew i wrote that first sentence.  zombie shit is so damn played out...  i don't believe there's any idea left that would even come across as remotely fresh...

"we're not using the zed word!" - Ed, Shaun of the Dead (far and away the best zombie anything, btw)

the grid still works in this ZA?  they had to use walkie talkies and battery powered objects, but the tv works?

the end comes on abruptly.  Rich kinda changes a bit, i think.

eh, i'm sorry I'm just so bored by zombies.  this seems like a tinnnnny twist on a moral quandry/discussion you'd see in literally every zombie thing ever.

Hi writer,

Zombie Apocalypse, wondering when one of these would show. It’s well written and humorous enough at times. Too many aspects gave away your location of broadcast… less you’re messing with everyone to throw them off the trail.

I would have liked something other than a home DVD to awaken ‘Mum’ from her state, perhaps a wonderful, mythological existence of a 13th (lost) episode of ‘Fawlty Towers’… yes, that would raise the most somnambulistic of Zombie’s out of their stupor for sure. Just opinion of course.

Ending fell flat for me, unfortunately. I would even have been satisfied with a ‘Deus ex Machina’ at this point, considering you subtly broke the 4th to address us with:

“I know, cliche isn’t it? Give me a week to come up with a reason for the apocalypse and (sic) I could come up with better than fucking zombies.”

Not cliché in my books, you seem to know what you’re doing. I liked it for what it was. Best of luck.

Pretty well written but was more like a vignette or scene from a bigger story so it was an odd one for me.

Torn between comedy and horror, it veers  a bit and leaves us a bit short of a good ending.

Hey writer,

The line referencing a week to come up with something other than a zombie apocalypse, funny. In fact the whole thing was pretty smart, charming and funny.

It's another zombie script, as you said, so it's never going to stand out on that front, but there's something a bit disarming about the family situation, and then the ending hits you.

Pretty good work here, liked it,

Cam

Well written. The brother's idea on making the best out of a bad situation (a bit of spit with your tea, perhaps?) is a new take. Read it all the way through without issues. Good stuff - congrats.

1st page is all dialogue and for some reason, you call Rich "Voice" over and over - whether or not he's been intro'd, if this is indeed Rich, you should use his name.

Hmmm, is this supposed to be a comedy?  Maybe its the British humor...I don't find this funny.

I guess it's not a comedy, but I'm not exactly sure what it's supposed to be.

Not bad, not good.  2.5

Writer,

Not a bad tale. If this was comedy it could've used a bit more. Same for drama. I kept waiting to either laugh out loud or feel the true weight of the dilemma, and got neither. The story was okay. A good concept that could've used more punch and be more entertaining than it was. You had many chances to do that, but I feel you didn't. Good effort.

Steve

This was an enjoyable read, quite touching and charming in parts. I also had a few chuckles at the dark humour.

I wasn't entirely sold on the ending - it seemed a little too bleak, and not etirely fitting with what came before it.

Logline - what to do with mum. Now it may be me, but I don't know whether she is a Zombie, or just alive - I'll assume a zombie since it used undead. On the one hand it shows tension, but I'm also left thinking why, since its not a great place to me. Let's see...

And I was right, perhaps it  was obvious

Ok, the 'what to do with mum' is sound, and as it is contained, it is easy to film. I was wondering why bother, but the 'carrot' of a cure could be a lure to those hanging on. Worth pushing.

The ending wasn't for me.

Perhaps you could push the fact that one of them is a 'carer' type of person. Someone who needs to be needed. For that he double crosses them so he can be carer. Just a Thought.

I pretty much agree with everyone's previous statements.  

The ending didn't work for me.  It seemed very rushed and confusing.  How did mom and the brother die?  

Why would anyone want to be a zombie?  Ever???????

It's easy to shoot, so, you might get some interest in this.

Fix it up, make the story more compelling.  Make the brother's choice to free mom more suspenseful.  

Good luck
Dan

I liked this, very polite and mannered apocalypse, assume were in Britain then

Personally read this as more drama, and I think it works well as a drama... just needs more commitment to it and greater emphasis on the impact of the loss of mother.

I think with a better build up and more character development the ending would work better.