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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April 2017 OWC  ›  Room For One More - OWC Moderators: Grandma Bear
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Don
Posted: April 21st, 2017, 11:24pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Room For One More by M.E. - Short, Apocalypse, Drama - When well-meaning AI creates eternal life for everyone at the same time, two old friends unexpectedly reconnect, as the scientist responsible wrestles with his Hobson's choice.  8 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Ryan1
Posted: April 21st, 2017, 11:46pm Report to Moderator
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Not sure what to make of this one.  The story wandered quite a bit.  If I understand it, the doc unleashed some kind of immortality chemical and now even the dead are rising?  Not sure.  The hunger crisis developed awful fast and didn't seem to connect very well with the immortality theme.  Overpopulation would take quite a bit of time.  There's no real discussion of how much time has elapsed here.  There's too many "disembodied" and computer voices to keep track of here.  Also I didn't get the scenes with people milling about the street and leaning out windows.

The script is written and formatted by someone who knows what they're doing, but I found the story too meandering to grab me.
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Cameron
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 12:22pm Report to Moderator
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Hey writer,

Interesting little story. Firstly, well done on reigning it in on the page count. That's not me saying I didn't want any more, it just works better over a short page count,and doesn't drag on. Also, really good concept on the complete lack of any suitable get out plan, essentially man's quest for life ends up destroying himself. The irony!

Anyway, apart from that, the negatives are that it just isn't that entertaining. Nothing much really happens, apart from one hell of a dilemma! You could have extended into the spare pages with a couple of extra turns or twists, but again I'd only extend if you were going to take it elsewhere.

I quite like it, not going to take the overall prize, but it was pretty inventive.

Cam
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Conz
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 12:34pm Report to Moderator
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First off... no clue what a Hobson's choice is. that may be common knowledge, but I may be a moron.  

that meeting with Gino and Antonio seemed to be really shocking, but then end rather quickly, no?

Confused - if people are granted their youth, and overpopulation is a problem, how can they also die?  I must have missed a line.

"Sharesy's fairsy's" is one of the last line i had to go out on?  oof.

a potentially cool idea here of overpopulation leading to the end of days, but it's confusing and didn't explain it well enough for me.  having a doctor in charge of the AI just saying "fuck" and stuff isn't the best way to go about explaining the perdicament, especially in a short.


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JEStaats
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 1:38pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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I think there is promise here with time and thought. The timeline confused me a bit between the initial tour with the suits and then going right to Gino and Antonio. I presume they invested? But did they invest for all humanity? Perhaps if there was a super for 'Day 10' or 'Day 100', it might give the reader more context. Not a big fan of the disembodied when there are AI entities in the same lab.

I did like the concept. Good work. Perhaps revist after the challenge and tidy up?
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Pale Yellow
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 10:07pm Report to Moderator
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Title ... umm ok... logline ... just ok for me.

No on should be no one I think.

Had me interested in 'how much would you pay for eternal youth' but the story slowed down after that for several pages ...maybe all the dialogue... not sure.

Think maybe you choose the computer voice or the AI.. both take away I think.

I am a bit confused. The end left me wondering. Interested in the writer's comments.

Good job.
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DanC
Posted: April 23rd, 2017, 12:58am Report to Moderator
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I found this slow.  It touched on some good problems, but, didn't dive into them.

You have a Dr. who

SPOILERS
gives everyone immortality.  Okay, but, where's the apocalypse?  And if food is that short, why is he working on immortality instead of the food crisis, which is 3 years from fixing?  

Why do dead people need to eat?  

I think the time and page limit hurt you.  There is an interesting story in this idea.  I don't get the title and what did the old people add to the story?  I think if they meet once and he finds out his buddy is dead, that holds more value/shock, at least IMO.

Dan


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Gum
Posted: April 23rd, 2017, 10:51am Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,

I liked it but, I’m not entirely sure what happened here, ping-ponging (if that’s a word) between two old friends and a lab. I got the sense that a scientist was on the verge of an amazing scientific breakthrough re: eternal youth of the sorts.
However, after everyone was given access to this brilliant concept, a new enigma surfaced with everyone dying because there’s a food shortage?

Sorry, scanned it a few times and still get the same answer, which appears to be incomplete on my end. At only 7pages of a 12 page max.  I feel you may have been rushed or, simply didn’t have a concise idea of where you wanted this to go. Sounds like a good idea from a bigger script. All the best.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 24th, 2017, 2:22am Report to Moderator
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Not just a bit all over the place, a lot all over the place but feels like this is the interesting beginning to something. I'm just not sure what.

So some A.I.'s give us all immortality and we all starve to death? How if we are all immortal and what has happened to all the food anyway? Why are people leaning out of window's and pointing?

Some very intriguing concepts being played around with here but needs a lot of work in my opinion.

Oh and the logline, I know what Hobson's Choice is as we covered it in high school but not everyone will know. If in doubt, keep it simple.

-Mark


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: April 25th, 2017, 3:12am Report to Moderator
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Logline -  a bit over done, also vague, but it gives a snap shot of what we face...

The problem of everyone living is a sound basis for a weird future, and subsequent chaos.

Not really sure what the other part of the story was about though. I feel they need to be linked better or one is dropped.

Felt a little rushed


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CameronD
Posted: April 25th, 2017, 2:59pm Report to Moderator
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2nd time I've read it in a script here but I don't know if cartoony labs spinning beakers of different colors around is enough to produce an eternal life elixir. has anybody ever seen a real lab? I might be wrong, but is this all they do? Spin bottles under fire? Is this how we're trying to cure cancer right now?

Every action line begins with a character name. Gino this. Gino that. Gino sits. Gino stands. Change it up. A simple "Seated at a table, Gino ponders over the simple menu in front of him" is enough to make the read easier. As is this seems like it's from an inexperienced writer or a 1st draft.

What is going on at the cafe on page 4? People are sitting on the street sleeping but others are above taking pictures..... of something going on? Can't be that exciting if people are literally asleep on the street below. Why even have this scene?

Why a food shortage if everybody is alive? Wait, why is everybody alive? Huh?????

No we jump to a sad empty grocery store???? Very confused.

WHAT? Then it just... ENDS? Over a bag of chips?

I have no idea what is going on here but I will piece it together as best I can.

Some scientists in a lab invented an immortality elixir with their robotic arms spinning a bunch of beakers. Being irresponsible or idiot scientists they released their new elixir into the air and now everybody lives forever even though they proudly had investors looking to buy in earlier. A unknown side affect of living forever is starvation cause ........ people are too lazy to grow food now? But since nobody but the scientist knows about the accidental immortality elixir it doesn't make sense as to why food is all the sudden hard to find or why the super smart AI can't seem to figure out how to grow corn. Meanwhile,  an old man meets an old friend in a cafe.

Did I miss anything?

Sorry. But congrats on submitting a script.


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Dreamscale
Posted: April 25th, 2017, 3:48pm Report to Moderator
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Hobson's Choice - WTF?  OK, had to google it - never a good thing, unless one is looking up a location.

"Machine's" - Really?  C'mon, man...what is this apostrophe doing here?  And again in the same line.  I should seriously bale already, as this is unacceptable.

Nice aside there about how many times the good Dr. has done the tour - NOT!!!!

Business Woman #1 never properly intro'd yet she's rubbing the wrinkles on her neck.  Hilarious.

WTF is going on?  This is really bad...

"asleep on the floor" - Huh?  What floor?  They're on a sidewalk/street, for God's sake.

"where fish once sat" - Oh man, you're killing me here.  Killing me!!!

OK, finished it.  Absolutely clueless, as to what happened, why, and who the Hell Gino and Antonio are and what they ahve to do with the good doctor.

Sorry, but not good.

Score - 1

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SAC
Posted: April 25th, 2017, 8:42pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Just didn't get this one at all, sorry to say. Written pretty well, decent pace and all. Too many automated voices seemed to be be speaking, adding to the confusion of what was happening in this story.  I might've cut it down to one - just kinda clears things maybe. Good effort, but I totally missed what you were going for.

Steve


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Talldave
Posted: April 25th, 2017, 9:33pm Report to Moderator
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Eh, I really don't know how I feel about this. I wanted to like it, but it was awkward. I wish I had something more to offer. It's just one big ball of awkward, I guess.

Dave F
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Gary in Houston
Posted: April 25th, 2017, 9:37pm Report to Moderator
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Problem with doing scripts on A.I. is that you have to have a lot of time to explain the nature of intelligence you're working with, and so it's hard not to overcomplicate the situation.  I thought i was on to what was going on here, but I got thrown off the scent by the end.

The writing is not bad at all, and it certainly looks good -- I like all the white space. It's concise, which you think would work well for you, but I think the story does need a little buffing up.

Best of luck,
Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
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Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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