I like the basic premise. I like the intercutting. I'd vote for cutting the first scene and/or starting with Gino and Antonio.

I don't totally understand how the food shortage happened so immediately, which is a major issue for the script. And I suppose it's just a mini-tragedy, but the sense of closure is not totally there, for me. It doesn't feel like anything new is revealed in the final scenes, I guess -- it more or less seems hopeless from the midpoint.

I'm at page 5 and I found no connection yet, or haven't understood one, between the lab and what's going on in Deli.

Read to the end and feel a big, what's going on here? I wanna know since there seems to be an interesting, philosophical worldview behind.

For now, I just can guess: The old Deli people are still dying because they're in Deli and also starving more and more, because the rich side of the planet needs more goods for their now immortal population. Then, Antonio, in Deli, chooses to do the same intervention to his body to stay alive forever - but now  because of the costs, he has no money left for food, so that his old bro Gino must share his chips with him…

I reread it several times to come up with that theory. Your execution "should", imo, be a lot more attentive to how the reader reflect. I miss orientation, identification, also understandable transitions that guide forward from A to B.

This is very demanding at the moment. I hope you clear up later.

Its a good idea but I think you center it too much around the idea.

You didn't capitalize on one character. In the end I dont understand whose that story is and that's the problem for me.

I tnink the idea here would shine if you selected one main character and followed him in every scene. And I noticed best scripts are always about one character and his story.

‘The back of his funeral suit open to the elements.’  - huh?  Why would the back of a suit be open?

Well, I couldn’t tell where it was going so you had me there.

Not sure how the title related.

Scientist, Lampeter, engineers a way of making everyone eternally youthful - immortality?  And presumably it’ll be marketed and expensive.   Meanwhile, elsewhere, people are dying in the street - because they have been exposed to eternal youth via Lampeter’s A.I. sidekicks?  But now there’s not enough food to feed them, which leads to mass starvation and apocalypse.  Amid all this, two old men have a chat and eat some chips.

The Lampeter scenes provide a sense of who did it and how but I couldn’t connect them to the Gino and Antonio scenes at all.  There’s no sense of time or how the two ideas relate here to orientate the reader.  Is Lampeter really wrestling with choice here?  Do nothing everyone dies.  Do something and everyone dies.  It’s all so fragmented the sum of the parts don’t make a satisfying whole.  I tried, but sorry to say it went over my head.  

I had to look up “Hobson’s choice”. Maybe I should have looked it up before reading the script.
This is disjointed for me. Hard to follow. . .
We know they’re going to give everyone eternal  youth. But somehow that’s going to bring back the dead? Does that explain Antonio?
What’s the process?
If we reverse the process, everyone dies. Well, if you reverse the process isn’t everyone just mortal again? Or does reversing the process mean everyone dies immediately. Did I miss something?
Now that I'm done, the title really doesn't work for me. Room for one more where?
Clean formatting but there's some clarification needed.

To anyone who doesn't know: Hobson's Choice refers to "take it all or take noting."

Quoted Text DR[.] LAMPETER

Quoted Text DR[.] LAMPETER And this is the 'hub'.

You can drop the Dr. and just call him Lampeter from now on.

Quoted Text he's expecting the question because he's done this tour for a thousand other faceless suits.

Unfilmable.

You need to introduce the Business Man and Woman and CAP them. They are going to be played by actors, so don't give the producer a headache.

Quoted Text suited and booted

I like this rhyme. Too bad it won't translate on screen.

Watch out for orphans.

You need to tell us whether Gino is male or female.

Abbreviations need periods. And even then, in dialogue, write them out. Mister, Missus, Miss, Doctor, Sergeant, Professor, Admiral, Colonel, Corporal, Junior, Senior, The Third, et cetera. This is for timing reasons. It might be a bit quirky for some people, but "them's (sic) the breaks," as the kids say.

"open to  the elements." Huh?

Quoted Text No on[e] is dying[,] either.

Very embarrassing typo. If the script were any longer, I'd probably consider bailing.

Where are these disembodied voices coming from?

Jeff bitched about the concrete floor, but whatever. "Ground" would have worked, too.

Quoted Text For [G]od[']s sake, why not?

Quoted Text Dr[.] Lampeter looks like he's not slept for a week, because he hasn't.

How do we know he hasn't? Unfilmable. You can tell us he looks it, because we can see it. Don't write anything we can't see or hear.

Is the (hopeful) necessary?

---

Pretty good story, actually. Writing not too bad, needs cleanup. Nice logline and title, though I don't know what the latter had to do with the story.

Felt like vignettes until I saw where the story was going. And you gave us a food shortage as your apocalypse. All well and good. Great job.

Room For One More - Apocalypse, Drama - When well-meaning AI creates eternal life for everyone at the same time, two old friends unexpectedly reconnect, as the scientist responsible wrestles with his Hobson's choice.  

Rating: 1
Thoughts: Way too unfocused.  You either have to cover the scientist or the two friends.  You can't cover both in a short film.  Plus the thought of old friends reconnecting after this happens doesn't sound dramatically compelling.  Where's the conflict?


TITLE: Room For One More

STORY

Concept is fresh/and or original - 5

Theme is well executed/interweaved - 3

Stakes are clear/conflict is strong and or compelling - 4

Story - 4

Ending - 3

CHARACTER/DIALOGUE

Protagonist(s) is (are) likable and/or compelling - 3

Dialogue reads naturally/believable within this story - 4

Dialogue reveals character -  3

READABILITY

Action text "shows" instead of "tells" - 4

Overall readability - 4

Toal: 3.7

This one is mine.

I almost didn't enter as I had a bereavement on the Tuesday... but on the Friday I had an urge to write something that had a connection to my emotions and bereavement.

In the end this just became a bit of a mess, the Scientist bit was my original idea and was meant to be that the AI had fixed the problem of people getting ill and dying, BUT their solution was to stop everyone from getting ill, and cure the recently dead too, and they did this as AI are fair, not like the scientist who would have monetised the discovery.  

So the food shortage wasn't just people carrying on living, it was the dead coming back too...

Was going for a riff on Hitchhiker Guide and the answer to life the universe and everything being 42, and a slice of 'be careful what you wish for' messaging.

But this was poorly developed/executed on my part as I was ultimately more interested in the two men and how people would react to loved ones coming back, what would happen, and what people would really give to have loved ones returned.

I then tried to do a World War Z thing and intertwine the stories.

So thanks to all that commented, appreciated as always.

Specifics...
1) Hobson's Choice - an apparent choice, but not a real one, here, kill everyone, or kill everyone.
2) Timing, agree, a SUPER or similar would have helped.
3) The food crisis is created by the sudden over population, and the AI don;t have time to fix it.
4) They're not meant to be immortal, but they can't die of illnesses and disease etc, starvation would do it though.
5) People on the street asleep, the dead don;t have houses, so they sleep where they can, people above taking pictures... people take pictures of everything, the recently dead asleep on the street would be a good subject
6) Back of his funeral suit open... they used to have the back of funeral suits cut down the back so the dead was easier to dress as no one was gonna see the back.
7) The title, Room for one more... a saying that is normally stated as a question, often applied to people on buses etc... I think fairly local though.

Anthony  

Hey Anthony,

Similar to Khamanna, really well done on piecing something together given what else was going on in your life. Some of us struggle to make the deadline anyway so Christ knows how you managed it.

It definitely brought something to the party, and the concept was really good, it just needs the tidy up that you know it does. With a bit of TLC it should be able to find a life outside the challenge, get it fixed up and out there in the real world.

Also, even though the "Hobson's Choice" reference threw a few folk, I got it so thanks for making me feel slightly smarter for a bit.

Cheers

Cam

Hey Anthony,
     I think the biggest issue with this story was the 12-page limit.  You had such complex things and you simply couldn't do justice to all of them.

I know I run into that problem all the time too.  The more I do these OWC with the strict page limit the more I realize your central idea either helps or hampers your ability to meet the challenge with the page limit.

I am sure you can fix this up and make it work.  I also owe you an email and that is coming up.

Dan

Anthony - Sorry for your loss. Writing anything with a deadline as well as what you were going through must have been tough.

After you explaining it, this does make more sense. I think if you give this a polish and not worry about time or page limit, this could work really well.