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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April 2017 OWC  ›  The 5th Horseman - OWC Moderators: Grandma Bear
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  Author    The 5th Horseman - OWC  (currently 2727 views)
Don
Posted: April 21st, 2017, 11:32pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The 5th Horseman by Mennen - Short, Apocalypse, Comedy - When the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse fail to end life on Earth, their tech savvy younger brother must use his knowledge of modern society to help fulfill the prophecy. 13 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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SAC
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 5:43am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Writer,

Loved this, laughed out loud at the BABA BOOEY mention - great stuff, well written, felt I was in assured hands all the way through. The ending didn't get me the way it should have, was looking for more of a zinger. But, the images were funny as hell, chuckled several times. This is my first read, but this gets top marks from me. Great job! Loved the byline - shows your age.

Steve


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 4:24pm Report to Moderator
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Logline - quite like this just because of the fifth horseman. I would go as far as saying that is a particularly strong concept with various genre options. The tech savvy element  didn't do much for me.

Let's see....

I found that a bit heavy going and was a little lost in parts.

Some nice images like a scared war and them failing in a modern world.

I think if you kept to the cave it could be a filmable sketch, but I do like the idea of a fifth horseman


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Cameron
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 5:05pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Right up my street this one. Crass, brash and a bit stoopid in parts, much like my drinking partners. Some genius lines, and the juxtaposition of traditional horsemen Vs Sergio is genius.

Really liked it. If there was one criticism, maybe pull back some of the intros, free up some text and show Serg causing chaos down on planet earth.

Regardless, definitely one of the best I've read, well done.

Cam
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Gum
Posted: April 23rd, 2017, 9:49am Report to Moderator
Been Around



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Hi writer,

“This is KYGRANJULIS, probably Latin for “gnarly-ass Hell ghoul.”

Hmm, not good… is, or probably is? If you don’t know, how would I.

OK, you know how to write (tips hat), you’ve definitely got skills for that. Fantastic creatures, settings, etc. This appears like a very ambitious attempt to get something unique out there to put this OWC through the proverbial gauntlet but, I’m about 7 pages in and, well… lost on the whole concept of what’s going on.

I’ll try to revisit this later, friend, but for now… all the best.
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JEStaats
Posted: April 23rd, 2017, 2:11pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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This so called plague makes swine-flu look like AIDS! WTF?

All by the rules, definitely not the writer's first time at the keyboard but it just lost me. I found myself skimming to get to the end. Maybe I'll read it again if I get the chance.

Kudos for entering.
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Wes
Posted: April 23rd, 2017, 2:40pm Report to Moderator
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What the fuckith!
Damn, this was a great read! Loved the Four Horsemen! Great dialogue. Laughed out loud a few times.
The descriptions of their failure on earth are wonderful. Occasionally felt like I was watching Saturday Night Live.
Best I’ve read by far up to this point.
Thank you!


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Ryan1
Posted: April 23rd, 2017, 6:02pm Report to Moderator
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I've always loved the mix of horror and dark comedy.  Some genuinely funny lines and clever descriptions right off the bat.  I liked the character of Sergio as this dorko little brother who just wasn't nasty enough to be a horseman.  But my favorite scenes in this script were those of Earth's population shrugging off the appearance of the Horsemen.  LOL, things have gotten so insane these days I wonder how far from the truth this really is.  

But I think the story should have gotten to Earth much sooner.  We didn't get there until page 7.  Spent too much time in the underworld and the jokes started to fizzle like brimstone fumes.  

Still, a clever take on the challenge.  Good job.
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EWall433
Posted: April 24th, 2017, 6:03pm Report to Moderator
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This was great. Not every joke landed, but it had a good story and enough humor to take you through it. Very little to criticize except…

I would've liked to see Sergio actually do his work and get some recognition. It feels like the story ended at the break into Act 3. I'm guessing the page length was the biggest part of that, but I can't help but think that a little less chat in the beginning and some nips and tucks along the way could've got you the space to end it proper.

Otherwise, really good job.
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DanC
Posted: April 25th, 2017, 2:14am Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed this too.  It had its moments.

One thing I hated.  We didn't get to see him do it!!

The entire script is a build-up for him doing it and we don't see it.  That sucks!!

It did read more like a skit than an actual story, but, it was a fun read.  

I really LOL a few times...  (um, laugh out loud, not lots of love, that's just weird)

I'd love to see what you do with this.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 25th, 2017, 2:32am Report to Moderator
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This is right up my dwarven back passage. Very Terry Pratchett, loved it!

Skillfully woven. There's a few elements where the joke is on the page and not passed onto the screen but they are minor quibbles. This was excellent. Creative, topical, funny.

Top marks from me and thanks for an entertaining read.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Gary in Houston
Posted: April 25th, 2017, 9:22am Report to Moderator
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Loved it. A high brow Monty Pythonesque type of romp. Great imagery, funny lines, and some sly commentary to boot.

Not sure what I would change here -- could definitely see this as a feature, with Sergio's background and building up to his becoming the Fifth Horseman. You already have the perfect title.

Well done here.

Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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irish eyes
Posted: April 25th, 2017, 2:46pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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STARVING DOGS from the Sarah McLachlan commercials pout   funny and obviously a US writer

A great writer I see but a little over written at times makes it harder to follow

Well this was a great piece and sets it up nicely for a feature.

Loved the title and concept

Great job on entering


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Dreamscale
Posted: April 25th, 2017, 5:48pm Report to Moderator
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I originally started reading this one the very first few minutes that the scripts were released, but stopped very quickly, as I knew I wouldn't have much positive to say, and was still trying to read every script in their entirety...but I'm down to the last few, so here we go again.

OK, so this is a talented writer here...that's for sure, and I appreciate talent and really appreciate a well written script.  It's definitely not my kind of humor though, but I'll wade on...just because it's written so well.

Pages and pages of back and forth witty dialogue does not a script make, IMO.  This comes off like a SNL skit, and I despise SNL, BTW.

Man, that was a long time to get to a new scene...Page 7 already?  Damn...

"...and SNEEZES the most adorable sneeze ever sneezed." - LOL!  Now that's funny!

Skimming...and done.  Great witty writing, sense of humor, and creativity, but this ain't my shot of Jager.  I do know good when I see it and this is good, so I have to throw out one of the highest scores of the challenge...reluctantly, but deserved.  4.0.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 26th, 2017, 4:40pm Report to Moderator
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I was struggling to start as the characters were introduced at pace... but once the banter starts with Sergio I was into the flow and loving some of the exchanges.

Minor gripe, I think they'd know what a scarecrow is, hardly a recent invention...

But i was intrigued and wanted to know how Sergio came back in.

And you left me wanting more, I need to know what he did!!!

Good effort


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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