Microcosm by Ryan Lee (Ryan1)  writing as Ludwig Samuels - Short, Apocalypse, Sci Fi, Fantasy - In the deepest recesses of Area 51, a long-imprisoned alien makes a horrifying confession to its only human friend. 8 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Love your title. Love your logline. This is the second read for me and I can tell people spent care on their loglines this time. Maybe it's because Carson is reviewing ...or maybe not...just an observation for me.

Not any flaws in the writing here. Feel like I'm in the hands of a veteran writer.

Love the alien. Love the relationship you built between the two.

Wow ... my favorite so far. Enjoy reading a great story with heart and character.

Excellent job writer.

Much better than anything else so far.

Well written,well told, well put together.

The problems come in the timing - as if the entire population of Earth cold be wiped out in literally a few minutes, which is preposterous, to say the least.  Even the Area 51 Installation being completely taken over in what seems to be less than a minute.

This needs more time to breathe, more time to make sense, even.

It's a good effort and I'll give you 3.5, which ain't half bad, but needs alot more to really work as you wanted it to.

title and logline are fine.

as you can see, not many notes.  I think I coulda used a page or 2 more.  the reveal, the hysteria, and the line "you're the last human alive now" came on very quickly... then again, it's a short, it has to be no longer than 12 pages, so who knows, I'm just spitballing.

This would be a really cool open to something.  the first short I've read that i think can be tweaked into a feature length script idea.  Tom and Adam as almost Clarice/Hannibal Lector types.  Adam explaining what is coming, and then a fight instead of the instantaneous demise of mankind.

pretty good

Different strokes for different folks, I guess.

Sorry to say it, but this seemed pretty bland and predictable. All of the technical stuff has been nailed, but the story just doesn't fire the imagination, and nor does it surprise.

It's basically Mars Attacks, but without the happy ending. Also, maybe change the protagonist's name, as Tom Wicks kinda sounded like a chocolate bar to me (T.Wicks).

Anyway, technically great, creatively not so.

Cam

Hi writer,

I like the title, that somehow this world is only party of a bigger idea, and can easily be terminated… like a bug.

Adam spoke in a cool, suave manor that was refreshing in regards to the typical alien portrayal; I liked that aspect of his intellect but, I’m curious if he would have the same air of confidence should the tables be turned on him. What if the aliens didn’t succeed, maybe because of an intervention from another higher intellect, then maybe Adam could show some extreme out of control rage that we wouldn’t have expected from him previously and, now Tom is not only his favorite captor but, his only salvation to survive the apocalyptic battle between humans and ET’s? A reversal of events that neither of them saw coming.

OK, I’m just throwing out my own opinion obviously. I do like the overall concept you have here, just, felt like it all happened too fast, like something from a bigger story. All the best.

Logline was really good.

The story and interaction between Adam and Tom was very well executed. The build up to the approaching aliens was also very well done.

Just the ending threw me after Tom was told he was the last human alive and left with a simple nod!!!

Overall the best one for me so far just the ending could be better.

Good job on entering

Picked this from the loglines.

I really liked this one. Well written and well told. I can't think of anything else to say. I only have one nitpick and it comes from having studied about Area 51 quite a bit, including watching the documentary series. I'm pretty sure that the only way the people that work there or are visiting have to fly in. There are only two flights every day and if memory serves me right, I believe that plane only goes to Vegas. In other words, none of the people that work there, live anywhere near Area 51. Tom would not be driving to work and stop at a gas station on his way.  

Great work!  

Nice job, I liked this one. Adam was written very nicely. Perhaps writing just another page of philosophical banter/discussion between Adam and Tom? Maybe make Tom single to eliminate that distraction of family? Although I could see it coming, it was a good short. Well done!

The best executed script I've read so far, the world dies rather quickly, but who am I to say what speed hypothetical aliens destroy entire civilizations at? Not my favorite narrative, by far, but it's hard to make too many critiques.

It felt a little emotionless, but I think that goes back to the speed it was all delivered, and maybe that's what you wanted. Emotionless alien takeover with an emotionless point of view.

Dave F

Yep well well written, cool concept. Flowed at a great pace and the detail was precise.

This felt very well balanced from the start. Then the dialogue was a little bit overdone in case of length of their back and forth small talk -- although most of it was very entertaining. It's more a: "cut some words, maybe a line here and there", kind of critique from my side.

Then there was the sudden switch to the big picture: spaceships, lasers, chaos, and I thought if there may be a way to leave that out. You're much closer to character before than the story those heavy action movements represent.

The identical Adam's coming for Tom, seen via live feed, is a great image – much closer to the characters' story. You could imo also go with pictures like this one, instead of the Independence Day stuff.

The handshake situation is great.

Entertaining ending as well. I like that the aliens don't do something ironic like capturing Tom now, same as the humans did with Adam. Your choice of bringing stuff to the end, I completely favor over the typical ironic twist.

There was a bit too much boom, with flying objects and big sets.  I believe if you do that, you must go for the 90-120 flick. However, it is a very good attempt. Absolutely enjoyable to follow; also points for a brave ending that leaves no questions or raises doubts about what those alien folks came for.

This one was very well executed, with an intiguing logline to match.

The relationship between Tom and Adam was great, and the only minor critiscism is that everything seemeed to happen a little too fast at the end and it could probably be expanded by a few pages.

Definitey the best I've read so far.

Have to say, I really liked this one a lot.

Very well written and it met the challenge.

My only complaint is that ending didn't have the punch I was expecting it to. Not really sure what else you could have done to make it better, but I feel like it needed a bit more. Maybe you ran out of time, I don't know.

Great job. Can't wait to see who wrote this one.

~Zack~

There's no doubt this one is written well and the Alien is cool as a cucumber, perfect visual of him.

But on screen, I don't know...

I think it needs more of something... It's very quiet, very polite. Very touching.

I heard Kevin Spacey's voice (K-PAX) as I read Adam's character. And Hal.
Love the touches of humour with the alien figurine.

Didn't like: Tom saying: 'Wish I had some profound words.' Think you could do without that.

Couldn't Adam let Tom speak to his wife one last time? Even if the connection drops out? They just had a baby!.God's sake! This Alien knows what's coming, he has advance notice of what's going to happen. He appears to have developed a relationship with Tom.   Yeah, I know, I get it...

Great job.