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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April 2017 OWC  ›  Microcosm - OWC Moderators: Grandma Bear
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  Author    Microcosm - OWC  (currently 2644 views)
Ryan1
Posted: April 24th, 2017, 11:40pm Report to Moderator
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Didn't like this one quite as much as some of the others, but it was a solid story.  The cordial relationship between the Alien and Tom worked well.  Would liked to have known what this Kronos program is.  Felt like it could have been important to the story but we never really learned anything about it.

I'm not going to complain about the length, but it did feel like you could have gotten maybe one more page of interaction between Tom and Adam.  The end of humanity did happen really fast, but then again who knows what kind of weaponry these aliens would bring with them.

Good job on entering.
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DanC
Posted: April 25th, 2017, 1:24am Report to Moderator
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Like the others, I enjoyed this one a lot.  It was solid.

The 2 biggest issues for me were that there was practically no suspense at all.  You have the end of the world.  Play on that a bit.  Ratchet up the suspense to the Xth level.

The alien knew this would happen.  If he truly cared about humanity, he would have given them a fighting change, or at least as much as a flea has a chance against a shark.  Even 10 billion fleas would be hard pressed to take down a shark...

So, I'm not sure I really bought the "friendship" angle from Adam.  To me, it reads like he was just biding his time until his people came.  

Now, if you have him flip his personality on the side and become this cocky arrogant prick when his people show up, or if Tom kills him, or something.  OR if he does try to save Tom and his family.

I also wondered why they didn't dissect him.  Chances are they would have...

But, one of the top 5 I've read so far.  I still have 15 more, but, still, good.

Dan


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 25th, 2017, 5:00am Report to Moderator
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Loved the title and logline, drew me in and made me want to know more. That's exactly what a title an logline need to do.

The script is well written, it needs a trim of course but that's the same of any script written in a week.

It does feel rushed as most have said. The invasion, the obliteration of the armed forces and the entire human race happens in a couple of minutes. This  removes most of the tension and stretches the disbelief factor.

It's also something that has been done many, many times before. I'd suggest the writer attempts a new spin. What if Adam was part of the original invasion force and the plan has been underway for 70 years? The aliens have infiltrated every aspect of society, the military, the internet etc. and unleash it all in one massive apocalyptic event, something like that.

Adam is nicely described and the way you establish the friendship between these two characters is very well handled.

Apart from the originality aspect, the thing which knocks me off the most with this though is the dialogue.

ADAM - They’re speaking to me right now. Through that strange lobe in my brain your scientists have always wondered about. Currently, the military forces of this world are being obliterated.

So on the nose, so unnatural sounding. When the conversation switches from friendly banter to the attack, it all becomes expositional and unnatural.

I realize that Adam is in a bunker but he could get across what is going in a much more subtle way and his actions could also emphasize what is happening. He could do alien stuff, show abiltiies he's never shown before because he was simply biding his time and learning what he could about humans. His capture was all part of the plan, that sort of thing.

A great idea, full of potential and well written. I just feel this could be so much better and offer a different spin on such a familiar story.

-Mark  


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: April 25th, 2017, 3:39pm Report to Moderator
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Logline - the well used Area 51, but I suppose relevant for this OWC. Not sure it is does much for me, but let's see...

Simple, alien invasion. What I liked was the relationship. Otherwise not a huge amount to this

I think has the potential for a Stockholm syndrome reversal, which could be interesting. But otherwise a simple and sound entry.


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ChrisBodily
Posted: April 25th, 2017, 4:16pm Report to Moderator
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Very solid title, logline, story and writing. I got Hannibal/Clarice vibes from Tom and Adam.

Not much else I can add. I loved it! Great job.


FADE IN:
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 26th, 2017, 5:08pm Report to Moderator
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The script is very clean and well written, formatting's great too and I really liked the start.

Adam felt (to me anyway) like one of Bradbury's martians and I thought that was quite a refreshing take and V different from Independence Day aliens.

But... I thought the pacing was off as it all happened too quickly, was very linear and I thought it would have benefitted from some form of twist (though not sure what).

So, very good effort, liked a ton but wanted a little more.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: April 27th, 2017, 7:38am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Microcosm:

The title is OK, though it suggests a small world revealing the larger world, which isn't really the case here. They have a nice relationship, whilst the outside world is one of conflict and disaster.

It was well written, an easy read.

For me it felt a bit one note. It goes from point A to B and there's nothing else, no reversal, no twist, no deeper meaning, no irony.

I have no real suggestions on how to thicken the plot, but it definitely needs an extra layer to move forwards, in my opinion.

Good effort.
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Heretic
Posted: April 27th, 2017, 12:41pm Report to Moderator
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A well-told story that's not all that interesting. Aliens take over -- done.

For me, Tom should arrive already knowing that they're under attack, thinking Adam is the one person that might be able to save them. Or he could find out early and the story could be about pleading for a friend who can't help, to help.

There's no question that it's an affecting moment at the close, but it doesn't really gesture to anything beyond the story or tell us much about either of these two characters, in the end. They're friends on different sides of something. That conflict needs to be played up somehow.

The talent is clear -- just not a fan of the story as it stands. Solid work, absolutely.
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stevemiles
Posted: April 27th, 2017, 12:48pm Report to Moderator
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Logline hooks me in.  Concept seems well suited to a short…

Good intro - smooth read, easy to visualise with some little character nuances thrown in.  I could picture them both with the relationship between them feeling natural.  There’s a mutual respect here.

Some nice dialogue though it grows a little expositional as the story builds.  Alien apocalypse is functional though it felt rushed through.  All of a sudden Tom’s the last man on Earth.  That’s a gem of an angle but it all happens so quickly.  Though I respect there’s only 12 pages with which to invade and annihilate mankind in.  Could the invasion already be underway when this starts?

Given the contained location and low character count I’m surprised you went all big budget with this in drawing on the outside live feeds.  I was expecting something more subtle.  Though not as entertaining perhaps…  Could have done with some twist or irony to really pay it off.


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khamanna
Posted: April 27th, 2017, 2:08pm Report to Moderator
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It's an easy read and a simple easy to understand well told story.

But I find it a little bland for some reason.

I don't think you build up to AI's sudden change of heart and thats a drawback for me as you based your story on it. Also it happened too late into the story and thats another drawback I think.
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CameronD
Posted: April 28th, 2017, 2:58pm Report to Moderator
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I'm sure it's been noted, but the monitor in the beginning saying rank should be stated should be written as dialogue and not action.

Area 51 has no coffee anywhere? Maybe you know a lot about the base, maybe not, but it's VERY remote. Not a place you just drive to on your morning commute. Personal are flown in on unmarked shuttle flights from the nearby airport. What you wrote here just isn't the way the base works. Also, where is all the security? As you've written it, the base reads as a ghost town.

Mmmmmm, that was a quick read. And strangely, even though the world seems to have ended the script has no stakes. We don't know Tom for a damn so don't feel for him much, even with a new baby added to his family. The alien, Adam, is as bland as a loaf of white bread. He talks like HAL from Space Odyssey but isn't a good fit here. The script is on auto-pilot. There is nothing Tom or Adam can do to stop the invasion which just comes outta nowhere for no reason.

Also, TOM and ADAM are both such bland names that when the dialogue, and there is a lot of it in here, was going long I had a hard time telling them apart. Doesn't help neither character has much personality. That's an issue that needs fixing.

This might also be a world record for the end of the world in that the aliens seem to have killed EVERY human being on the planet in the span of three pages. Wow. That's fast!

This needs a lot of work. The formatting is good and the writer has skills but the story falls flat in every way.

Sterile.


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SAC
Posted: April 29th, 2017, 5:50am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Writer,

Nice. Well written, and a neat take on this challenge. Your sparse writing style gave just enough detail, smooth read. I liked the story too, and felt you could have gone beyond the seven pages you've used because this feels incomplete. Would like to know they Why of the invasion, and some kind of twist or cool revelation would have been nice to see. However, I feel you've got the makings of something interesting here. Like to see if you do anything further with it. Good job.

Steve


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Wes
Posted: April 29th, 2017, 1:57pm Report to Moderator
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Really clean. The pace is really good.  I admit it leaves me wanting more. And, for the first time I find myself asking, why? Are they coming to get Adam? Do they just hate mankind?
Good work. Thanks.


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EWall433
Posted: May 4th, 2017, 10:36pm Report to Moderator
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A pretty simple story here. A slow starter, but when it got going I thought it was effective and well-executed. Not sure what else to say in the way of notes. Perhaps a little more personal details revealed at the beginning about Adam and Tom’s relationship could make the ending stronger.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: May 6th, 2017, 7:45am Report to Moderator
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Microcosm - Apocalypse, Sci Fi, Fantasy - In the deepest recesses of Area 51, a long-imprisoned alien makes a horrifying confession to its only human friend. 

Rating: 1
Thoughts: Area 51 is such a dated subject matter, you need to add something fresh and specific to get people interested.  This doesn't have either.


TITLE: Microcosm

STORY

Concept is fresh/and or original - 5

Theme is well executed/interweaved - 5

Stakes are clear/conflict is strong and or compelling - 5

Story - 4

Ending - 4

CHARACTER/DIALOGUE

Protagonist(s) is (are) likable and/or compelling - 5

Dialogue reads naturally/believable within this story - 5

Dialogue reveals character -  5

READABILITY

Action text "shows" instead of "tells" - 5

Overall readability - 5

Total: 4.8


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