For It Is Written by Anonymous 9 - Short, Apocalypse, Thriller - A couple of college kids don scuba gear in search of treasure, but it's above water that they find an unwanted discovery. 5 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Lot of typos for a 3 pager.  I'm guessing this one was written in a hurry.  In fact so quickly, there wasn't even time for an ending.  The story is extremely simple, but it had its moments, such as when they resurfaced to realize the apocalypse happened without them.  However, the ending felt like a cop out.  I think you need to at least hint at what happened here.  It's too easy to just write nothing.

First one down and it's a bit of a mixed bag for myself.

There's a lot of good descriptions and visualisations, but there's also a lot of typos and it's a bit confusing in parts. The sequence from diving with the fishes, to surfacing in the cave, that needs to be tidied up, maybe split it in two

Overall I actually quite liked it. I could picture what was going on and it ticks all the boxes regarding the apocalypse. Just needs a good tidy up and expansion in some areas.

There's something there, just needs a little bit of work,

Cam

Writer,

Seems like you just kinda stopped writing. Where's the rest? Decent set up, I was along for the ride but a bit
more explanation - okay, a lot more explanation would be good. Nice try for the challenge but I need more than what you've got here.

Steve

I watched Into The Blue last night, well I half watched it anyway. Paul Walker, RIP, has the most incredible blue eyes. Anyway, sorry I digressed big time. Watching it I was able to visualise your set up only too well.

I like the premise, liked the cool underwater cave, and the reveal, and then it's like 'to be continued' but it didn't.

Your punishment is to read and review 31, or 30, ( word has it one is blank pages) other scripts.

P.S. Commenting on your logline and title: Considering you pulled up short your title is pretty funny and ironic.  'Above the water' just isn't great wording imh,, 'on land' may be better. And I know I'm being picky but 'don scuba gear' ? Hmm. If it was a school report I'd say: 'could do better'.

Love your title. Love the irony in your logline. Even love more your page count. Now to read... I'll take notes as I go along.

Out of the gate, your heading says NIGHT yet your description: windless day. Pay attention to detail. Because I see that the rest of that scene is also described as DAY, so maybe just change the slug.

'fishes' I think should be fish.

THERESA
Oh my God, there's daylight through
those that must be the beach.

When we read this dialogue it would be fine if you gave us a visualization first. When I read I try to see the movie and if you put dialogue like this in there without an action line above it or below it... you steal that vision from the writer. Attention to detail.


The kiss   should be 'they' I think.

it's head  should be 'its' I think.

It's the end of
the world as we know it and I feel fine--laughed at this irony... good job.

Argh! I'm left not knowing what happens!!! Anyway overall I liked this ok. I think the dialogue is too much and needs some work but that's to be expected with this week projects or hour projects if yours was anything like mine

Good job writer.

Why is the beach so crowded at night? Aren't these type of crowds typically reserved for the daytime? Take my knowledge of beach life with a grain of salt, I'm from Ohio. Lol.

They sure do find some sunken ships pretty quick. I might be nitpicking here, but wouldn't sunken ships be further away from the shore? Cool imagery for sure, but it just doesn't make much sense to me.

Some of the dialog doesn't work at all. Example - "Oh my God, there's daylight through
those that must be the beach." This makes no sense as written, and even contradicts the previous scene where you state that it is night out.

I'm sorry, but this one doesn't work for me on any level. Some really odd writing. The ending is just... It just ends. Very disappointing.

Not trying to be such a downer. It's a good effort, and congrats on entering. This needs some work though. Good luck.

~Zack~

Hi writer,

I’m not sure what to pen here simply cause there’s not much to go on but… that doesn’t make this any less effective. You have a beginning, a middle and, an Apocalypse somewhere in between, so, boom… if you were holding a mic, you could drop it and walk off stage. Mind you, there’s always that Salvador Dali looking, black turtle neck wearing mother f*cker in the corner of the room saying; “No…”

The part about being submerged in an underwater cave is good actually, clever. I’m curious if that would work for the initial blast but, the aftermath of what transpires is usually the worst thing. That being said, it works for what it is, and it worked for me on some unexplained level. All the best.

This seemed like a short bit but without the punch. I think a short bit needs a punch. What did they see on the phone? I sort of thought they might just collapse dead themselves from watching the video. That could maintain the mystery but make the ending more impactful.

I do like the central premise of coming up from the dive to find everyone mysteriously dead. It's a good idea and a cool scene. Just needed more to flesh it into a story.

What the heck was that??????

I agree with the other comments.  You have the start of an interesting story, but, then, BAM! it ends.  That's too bad.

It feels incomplete.  We don't know the what, why, or how of the story.

Good job entering, but, you ended it far too soon.  And what does the title have to do with anything?  There's no writing of any sort.

Dan

I think it was hard for you to give an ending to this story. My bet is you dont have one. Whats to follow - how they started making babies and renamed themselves Adam and Eva? Or maybe its all a prank? A prank would be the answer but its not a good ending.

Not much more to say after what's already been said. The typos, grammar, some prop issues (she was wearing a helmet?), details, details, details.

But... it's new and different. Good job writer for entering. I bet if you had just a bit more time, eh?

Well, this is interesting, I guess.  I didn't get the title and how it worked with the story. The typos made it a difficult read. And there wasn't much to the story.  I mean the couple goes underwater and when they come back up everyone's dead.  There's no setup, there's no revelation, there's just "A, then B, then C."  I just didn't find it interesting enough. Sorry. Hope others feel differently.

Best of luck,
Gary

Logline - kind of reminds of a script around here where the air in the atmosphere disappears whilst a diver in under water. Let's see...

Yay, 4 pages - cool, dude.

Very last minute by any chance?

Trapped under water, in a cave, whilst shit goes on outside has potential.