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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April 2017 OWC  ›  For It Is Written - OWC Moderators: Grandma Bear
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  Author    For It Is Written - OWC  (currently 2627 views)
stevemiles
Posted: April 24th, 2017, 5:20pm Report to Moderator
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Really, a face like a mule?  I wouldn't go diving with that guy.  Careful not to come across too literal in description.  

Not sure what to make of this.  Underwater scenes always get to me - I catch myself holding my breath for some reason…  I was into the concept then it just...ended, no twist or payoff, just a bad day at the beach.  Feels rushed into place - there’s no real connection to the title: ‘For It Is Written’ - where?

Pity, as I thought this was onto something.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


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stevie
Posted: April 24th, 2017, 6:07pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah really cool concept here but needed a more fired up ending. Short and sweet and to the point is good at times, just needs a few more pages to flesh it out.

Competent formatting so no complaints there. Good effort, writer!



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MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 25th, 2017, 7:36am Report to Moderator
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After reading close to 30 scripts, I did a little sex wee when I spotted this was 3 pages, so thanks for that!

For such a short script, there's not much in the way of white space. You spend a lot of time setting the scenes in meticulous detail, most of which would be dropped or changed if produced.

The story has potential. People being trapped in a cave when the world ends has loads of options, unfortunately you ran out of time perhaps? It just ended. There's even a [CONT'D] after the fade out, even your screenwriting software couldn't believe that was the end.

Meets the criteria for sure but only half a story at the most.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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LC
Posted: April 25th, 2017, 7:54am Report to Moderator
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I'm sorry I can't resist:

A little 'sex wee', what the heck is that Mark?

Critique quote of this OWC:
There's even a [CONT'D] after the fade out, even your screenwriting software couldn't believe that was the end.

That line just cracked me up...  

And btw, I mean absolutely no disrespect to the writer.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 25th, 2017, 8:13am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
I'm sorry I can't resist:

A little 'sex wee', what the heck is that Mark?




It's when you get so aroused, a little bit of pre-cum oozes out.

Well, you asked!!


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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LC
Posted: April 25th, 2017, 9:09am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from MarkRenshaw
Well, you asked!!

You can safely assume I'm kicking myself for asking now.



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Conz
Posted: April 25th, 2017, 9:28am Report to Moderator
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5 pages!  thanks

"romp" at the water's edge?  that's an expression?

little on the nose with the "last man" dialogue (which i don't mind) and the REM (which i kinda do mind)

someone else had someone underwater during the apocolypse and I commended them for the idea, so i'll do the same here.

some of the dialogue was cheesy and unneeded "this is scary" being one to point out.  i just always find dialogue like that completely pointless.

this is basically a long scene.  cool open to something maybe, not sure it stands alone.  decent enough i guess.

the title doesn't really work either.


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Dreamscale
Posted: April 25th, 2017, 12:10pm Report to Moderator
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OK...just barely over 3 pages.  I have a funny feeling about this one, and it's not a very good funny feeling.  Let's see...

Opening is terrible.  You repeat your Slug and then contradict your time element.  Why are there "crowds of people on a beach at night and what is a strand?

Oh man...lots and lots of mistakes here and very poor writing.

"face like a mule" - WTF?  Hilarious.  Sorry, but that's a new classic.

Dialogue is downright painful.  I wish this was a pisser, and I'd laugh, but I know it isn't and am trying not to laugh.

Just for the record, SCUBA gear (all CAPPED) is not something one can just drag along a beach...especially for two people.

I'm sorry, but this is just redonkulous.  They run headlong, while wearing SCUBA gear?  Do you even know what SCUBA gear is?  EXT OCEAN?  Sounds to me like they're underwater.  Sunken ships are just laying around here?  Where in the world are they?  Touching coral is a big no no.  Theresa is wearing a helmet?  WTF?

Now they find an underwater cave?  OH man...this ain't good, but it sure is funny and entertaining.  The "surface" of the cave?  And they can breathe now without their SCUBA gear?

Wow!  Sorry, but very little effort appears to have been put into this.  Easily the worst entry I've come across.  Score - 0.



Revision History (1 edits)
Dreamscale  -  April 26th, 2017, 11:05pm
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PrussianMosby
Posted: April 25th, 2017, 7:36pm Report to Moderator
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Your title is not centered

Are they diving at night without any lights?

Okay… A little mystery-story here. A couple goes diving and when coming back, the whole beach visitors are dead. I'm generally open to stories where I need to puzzle over the explanations to come and then receive the big payoff. Here, it seems you ran out of time. The REM song and the open ending isn't enough. You need a climax and build a complete, coherent story experience.



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ChrisBodily
Posted: April 25th, 2017, 8:21pm Report to Moderator
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Title is not in all caps. It is conventional wisdom to CAP you titles.

A few missing words, such as:


Quoted Text
THERESA
I wouldn't go with you if you were
[the] last man on earth.



Quoted Text
MICHEAL
Have it your way, here you go[. H]ave
fun kids.  Remember I get half of
what you find.


Some grammar/punctuation issues, particularly with commas.

REM's classic song needs to be capitalized. And some would argue the song choice is too OTN, unless that's what you're going for. Then again, Halloween used "Don't Fear the Reaper."

"smiles a gentle smile" is redundantly redundant.

"an huge" is not proper grammar. Like, at all. It is always "a huge."

Confused about the (CONT'D) at the end. And I felt that ending on the top of page 4 was a waste of page.

The logline made me think this would be Atlantis, which would have been an intriguing take on the apocalypse theme -- an apocalypse that already happened... thousands of years ago.

It's not a masterpiece, but isn't terrible.

Congrats on entering.


FADE IN:
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 26th, 2017, 6:38pm Report to Moderator
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There's a lot of typos and grammar issues throughout, so they need some attention.

The script is super short and could be expanded to provide more substance.

But I thought the idea of scuba divers re-surfacing to discover the apocalypse was excellent, you need to build on this though as at the mo it's a missed opportunity.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
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Heretic
Posted: April 28th, 2017, 9:47am Report to Moderator
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The writing is clunky. Story's good as far as it goes, then it stops.

Might be more tension in the story if this was a first-time hookup. Just a thought.

Unexpectedly dead bodies always make me wonder -- what do they look like? Like they just fainted and died? Are there marks on them? Did they see something coming? Seems like vital information.
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Wes
Posted: April 29th, 2017, 3:03pm Report to Moderator
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Can’t say the title makes sense. The log line tells me about as much as the 3 pages do.
I have no idea what happened. That seems to be the point.
Haven’t bought into the characters yet. Haven’t seen enough of them.
Is this an introduction to something?
Good luck


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irish eyes
Posted: May 1st, 2017, 6:00pm Report to Moderator
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This seems like you threw this together on a Friday night.

Has the hint of a good idea just not properly executed.

Obviously a lack of time with grammar issues and typos included in only 3 pages


Good job on entering


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Grandma Bear
Posted: May 6th, 2017, 7:47am Report to Moderator
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For It Is Written - Apocalypse, Thriller - A couple of college kids don scuba gear in search of treasure, but it's above water that they find an unwanted discovery. 

Rating: 2
Thoughts: Ugh.  Writers have to learn.  The vague ender in a logline ("unwanted discovery") doesn't hook us.  We need to know what it is to be hooked.  But I do like treasure.


TITLE: For It Is Written

STORY

Concept is fresh/and or original - 4

Theme is well executed/interweaved - 2

Stakes are clear/conflict is strong and or compelling - 1

Story - 3

Ending - 3

CHARACTER/DIALOGUE

Protagonist(s) is (are) likable and/or compelling - 2

Dialogue reads naturally/believable within this story - 1

Dialogue reveals character -  1

READABILITY

Action text "shows" instead of "tells" - 2

Overall readability - 2

Total: 2.1


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