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Nice mixture of sci-fi and mystery. Logline could have played up the mystery angle though - didn’t grab me as is. No real issues with this - good work for a week. Solid twist - her friends are her enemies, her whole world is a lie.
I’m surprised Seven heads back after this revelation though. It didn’t quite fit with what we’d seen of her before - headstrong, impetuous... Not a deal breaker - a quick, clean read that held me all the way and left me wanting more.
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The naming convention of the humans gave it away pretty quick that there would be more. Maybe if her name was Delta and the boy introduced himself as Charlie? That would be a clue until the reveal of meeting Alpha, Beta.... Ah-ha!
The ending left me hanging but flat. Even though it was overwritten in places, I think I wanted just a bit more. Overall: I liked it. Good work.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
There seems to be unfinished sentences or missing punctuation in places. Is Sky human or A.I.? If Sky is A.I., she/it seems to die like a human. The A.I. are experimenting with Seven but Seven is able to turn them on and off? So, the two main problems that pull me out of the story are actually the unfinished sentences or missing punctuation and not being able to determine who is human and who is A.I.
Pixel images on the title page? Normally, that's a huge mistake. That being said, it does look cool and gives off Matrix vibes.
How do we see this finger? You haven't faded in yet? Another mistake right out of the gate.
Opening shot reads like a smartphone commercial. Not sure if that's a good thing.
Charging station? What's that? Electric cars? Confused already.
Quoted Text
Do you really think--
Always USE DOUBLE DASHES when cutting off dialogue mid-sentence.
Quoted Text
SEVEN (12 going on 21)
Too many numbers. Confusing. And how can you be 12 going on 21? Not a promising read so far.
They're in prison? I'm lost.
Quoted Text
She passes by MOYA (20ish), beautiful, perfectly shaped and wearing a tool belt full of electronic gadgets.
In charging station/prison/wherever the hell they are???
Why the different typeface on the word "boy"?
Is this like a gas station? You've totally lost me.
"Seven tries to convince" who of what?
Quoted Text
SEVEN A boy. A human. Like me. Except [it] was a he.
Not sure what the clock reading means. Is it the battery or is it the actual time?
Nice Mad Max name drop. But why italics?
Quoted Text
SEVEN But I’m dying to get out of here, so [T]o me, it’s worth the risk.
A little less OTN.
This script is difficult to visualize. I don't even know where we are.
End of page 4. I'm gonna have to bail. The story's going nowhere. Did I miss the apocalypse?Title and logline are intriguing, but the execution doesn't do the idea justice.
Glitch - Apocalypse, Drama - The first child raised by AI, encounters a fellow human for the first time.
Rating: 2 Thoughts: This has potential. I would've liked to know a little more than what was given. But you can see some conflict in the setup, which is good.
TITLE: Glitch
STORY
Concept is fresh/and or original - 4
Theme is well executed/interweaved - 2
Stakes are clear/conflict is strong and or compelling - 3
Story - 2
Ending - 1
CHARACTER/DIALOGUE
Protagonist(s) is (are) likable and/or compelling - 3
Dialogue reads naturally/believable within this story - 2