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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April 2017 OWC  ›  The Antidote - OWC Moderators: Grandma Bear
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  Author    The Antidote - OWC  (currently 2241 views)
AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 27th, 2017, 2:53pm Report to Moderator
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Decently written, and well paced but I couldn't engage with Berkus so I struggled a little to care for him.

Liked the line
A coward wouldn’t be able to pull
the trigger.

Nice.

I think from what you've written that Berkus isn't at the lab anymore? An alternate ending could be to have the safe code not work.

Anyway, decent effort.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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SAC
Posted: April 27th, 2017, 10:16pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Writer,

Hmm. Didn't exactly go the way I thought it would. This was written pretty well, you had some decent tension going on. But it went on too long, and the payoff wasn't worth the set up. It felt incomplete. I guess everything turned out okay, but what of Dr. Berkus? Perhaps some background - yes - in his failed relationship would have made Betkus more relatable as a character. As it stands, I felt more compassion for the two agents who came to visit him. Not bad though. I'd say work on this some more. It's got potential  

Steve


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Talldave
Posted: April 29th, 2017, 5:47am Report to Moderator
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As I'm reading I wanted to say that the scene with the FBI breaking into Berkus's house should be revamped. Seems like you are going for a light-hearted suicide scene here, and maybe a little humor would help ease the tension. For example, maybe make more of a play on the fact that FBI agents are pointing a gun at someone who is pointing a gun at them self already. The scene seems like it's going to be good, but between poor direction and dialogue it loses steam.

I got to "For God's sake man!", and I can officially say dialogue is bordering on generic. Not a bad story, just seems like one giant cliche.

Please give the man a better death than "his eyes go into a death stare ."

Ending was better than I was expecting, good job.
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Pale Yellow
Posted: May 3rd, 2017, 1:34pm Report to Moderator
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Love your title and love the irony in your logline.

I would've liked to see the guy try to commit suicide sooner.

I am left with a lot of unanswered questions here. Who is the real protag? The virus thing seemed tacked on. There should've been more behind the scientist. In your logline it reads like he's the protag yet even though he does give them the code to the safe, he's just there about to kill himself. And why did they need the scientist if the safe was right in the floor in the lab? And if they go in to unlock the safe for the antidote won't they succumb to the virus before they can 'save the world'?

I dunno.. I love a lot about this story but feel like it needs more.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: May 6th, 2017, 7:49am Report to Moderator
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The Antidote - Apocalypse, Drama - When a deadly virus threatens to wipe out the human race, the only hope to stop it rests in the hands of a suicidal scientist.  

Rating: 2
Thoughts: Okay.  This is definitely more interesting than had it just been a normal scientist.  Points for that!


TITLE: Antidote

STORY

Concept is fresh/and or original - 5

Theme is well executed/interweaved - 4

Stakes are clear/conflict is strong and or compelling - 4

Story - 2

Ending - 1

CHARACTER/DIALOGUE

Protagonist(s) is (are) likable and/or compelling - 3

Dialogue reads naturally/believable within this story - 1

Dialogue reveals character -  1

READABILITY

Action text "shows" instead of "tells" - 2

Overall readability - 3

Total: 2.6


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khamanna
Posted: May 8th, 2017, 2:21pm Report to Moderator
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That's a nice short by me, Gary. You could change it some. Actually you better. But look - it's very contained and has nice story and some nice action sequence that kept me on my toes. All in one room mainly! ANd there's one other room with vials and stuff - not a big deal. Very impressive I think.
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