Quoted from irish eyes How exactly does a giant Tortoise survive underwater? Turtles have webbed feet for a reason and Tortoise don't Also do you think you could have dragged 2 sets of Scuba gear at one time?

Exactly...tortoises do not "swim" underwater...turtles do.  The idea was to show "perseverance", in that the tortoises, who have survived for billions of years in their same form, somehow knew to do something they normally didn't do.

Obviously, the whole idea of being able to survive whatever the meteor brought being underwater, was something I just decided on...so, the majority of underwater life would survive, while all above water would perish...within a 1,000 mile radius...or whatever it actually turned out to be, as the meteor passed low overhead, before the crash landing, all above water had already perished...

I could not drag 2 sets of SCUBA gear over a beach, nor would I ever attempt to put on SCUBA gear on a sandy beach and wade into the water with it on.  

BUT...if a babe like the one you sent me wanted me to try, I would, and maybe I could do it, if there were promises to keep, underwater, in the many sunken ships, or underwater caves where we could breathe and make out like hot, horny school kids.

Quoted from Horny Mc Tightpants BUT...if a babe like the one you sent me wanted me to try, I would, and maybe I could do it, if there were promises to keep, underwater, in the many sunken ships, or underwater caves where we could breathe and make out like hot, horny school kids.

That's fucking funny

You're a good guy, Mark!  I think we cool, right?

Now, let's start dogpiling Stevie!     

Sounds like a plan

Jeff, you wrote this one?  I had an idea that you would.

You know what the problem was, and I think some others did too.  You wrote a drama where the apocalypse was the backdrop, but, at the end.  

If you had started off with that and went backwards, I think it would have been much more effective.  I mean, going down to study a phenomenon that was happening live, then seeing life dead would be shocking.  

But, for me, the science was faulty.  I'm not talking about the rats and tortoises but, the meteor.  No meteor can hit the planet without huge advance notice.  It just simply isn't realistic.  Another story had a solar flare, again, same thing...

This felt like the Godzilla buildup of the old movies.  It's coming, it's coming, oh boy, it's coming, then, when it comes, it's over before it got good...

However, as I said, the story was beautifully written.  I wish I could do that...

Dan

Quoted from DanC   No meteor can hit the planet without huge advance notice.  It just simply isn't realistic.

Well, you have to understand where they were...literally in the middle of nowhere.

Is exposed the right word, my friend ? I recognized your modern characters. Pretty authentic as usual.

Good script, man. Greets

Quoted from PrussianMosby Is exposed the right word, my friend ? I recognized your modern characters. Pretty authentic as usual. Good script, man. Greets

Exposed?  As in you exposed me as the writer?  You're very impressive.  Dena also thought this was mine.  I tried to throw a few things in to throw peeps off, but looking back, this reeks of me, with the gratuitous nudity, drug use, drinking, and foreign characters speaking with an accent.  I guess I can't help myself!  

Glad you enjoyed it and thanks for reading and the feedback!

I very much enjoyed your writing in Chernobyl, so decided to see what you did in one weeks time with this OWC.

Yep, written very well. No typos!!!!  

Natural and real sounding dialogue.

I loved the setting. The Seychelles and Maldives are on my bucket list. Hopefully before I get too old to swim. Lol. Loved the tortoises. It's all good. I don't think this will be filmed, but that's probably not what you set out to do here.

Chike, a name I had never heard before until some Nigerians filmed one of my shorts. I like it.

I think my biggest issue with this script is that it felt like it wanted to be a feature. Therefore, it doesn't quite feel like a great short. The meteor was okay. Not great. Seems like something like that would have been on some stargazer's radar prior. Also, if a meteor of that size hit earth, wouldn't it affect the whole world in some way?

So, great work for a weeks effort. I would've given this a 4, Very Good, if I was one of the entrants.

Now go write this into a feature.  

Thanks for the read, Pia.  Glad you enjoyed it.

One thing I didn't mention was that I never said anything about the size of the meteor, and in reality, I actually didn't want to even call it a meteor, but when I wrote the very last satphone exchange between Vickie and her daughter, I had the daughter tell Vickie it was a meteor, which I shouldn't have.  Originally, this was an alien type thing.  My bad.

Oh well...on to the next.

Thanks again!

Jeff, gave this a read.

First the nits:

Quoted Text JOJO, 25, a younger version of his Dad, enters from the bridge, carrying a white double SCUBA tank

Since we haven't seen his Dad this is not a helpful description.

Quoted Text CAMILE Mom, I need to tell you something...Dad called me this afternoon. VICKIE Oh God, what now? CAMILE Well...he's in The Seychelles too, and he'll be on Picard at La Gigi this afternoon. 3. VICKIE Shit...so will I.

Odd last line of dialogue - too OTN. Camile must know that her Mom is going there (i.e., I assumed that was the purpose of the call) so why the need for Vickie to tell her. I would just leave it at shit. I actually also think that the scene would work better if Camile was relaying the info to her brother and burdens him with the task of giving the Mom the news. Just a thought.

Also - are you missing a few V.Os for Camille?

The good stuff - beautiful visuals. You put me in the islands quickly and felt I was there the whole time. Efficient and vivid descriptions. I loved the tortoises and the rats, the theme of the tortoises doing things against their nature (swimming) because of their animal sense.

I found the dialogue a little stilted. Really nothing hit it out of the park for me.

My biggest gripe - So, I'm loving the story and then we meet Manisha and Richard. It was such a tonal shift for me it served as a derailment (like a fart in a funeral). They were cartoonish cads - make them real, normal, genuine characters. When they are wiped out I want to feel that Vicki missed that last conversation she should have had with him rather than another ass-wipe and airhead off the planet. Long winded way of saying you had a beautiful tone to this story and, IMO - derailed it right at the nude shots.

Overall - a lot to like

Thanks so much for the read and comments, Dave.  Always appreciated.

JoJo is Kofi's son, actually.  I think I deleted a line that should have stayed, making this clear.

As to the nudity and tonal change, yeah, guilty as charged.  I almost always do my best to include some gratuitous nudity and/or sex.  I did try to show Manisha as more than what she probably came across as, but it was probably buried a bit too deep to mean much.

Richard (Dick) was meant to be the rats, and Vickie, the tortoises.  My aim was to play off the atoll creatures with the 2 main characters, and even tried to use some descriptions that would make this very clear...I don't think I succeeded.

Thanks for the compliments.  I spent a ton of time researching all this - probably way too much time, to teh point where I now need to go here and see this place in real life.

Thanks again, bro.

My pleasure, Jeff.

Quoted Text Richard (Dick) was meant to be the rats, and Vickie, the tortoises.  My aim was to play off the atoll creatures with the 2 main characters, and even tried to use some descriptions that would make this very clear...I don't think I succeeded.

Thematically, I love this. I just think it could be subtler. Richard's POV is  -how can you blame a rat for it's desire to eat, as if it were a real choice after all? Vivki's POV - the eating is not a choice, but whether to earn your meal or steal it is a choice.

Anyways - best of luck. Like I said, lots to like here

Thanks, Dave.

Now, it's off to Vegas!!