Perseverance by Anonymous 11 - Short, Apocalypse, Drama (but not Drama) - Life and death plays out on a secluded atoll in the Indian Ocean for the local population and an estranged couple, unaware of the coming destruction. 13 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey writer,

Positives. It's well written, with a large cast of characters adding some depth. Also, I couldn't see any typos or formatting issues.

Negatives. For me it dragged, and this is a huge issue. The pace didn't vary, and due to the large cast this meant a lot of drawn out dialogue and back story. I reckon you could slice through a third of this, and still end up with the same result, just easier to read. Also, I'm not sure this is the apocalypse, maybe it's the beginning of it but I'm not sure.

Anyway, well done on entering, but unfortunately not for myself.

Cam

This one was very exotic, well researched, visually atmospheric.

Personally I don't think this one counts as the Apocalypse. One meteor hits which kills everyone in a thousand mile radius - that is bad yes but the end of the world? If so, there's no sign of it in the script.

The obsession with the tortoises and  the rats is distracting. We have quite a long Richard Attenborough documentary style opening  and then reference the rats/tortoises a lot in the script, just so you can setup a means for one character to survive.

I did find this very slow. A lot of characters and a lot of personal baggage to cram into a few pages meant this was a lot of talking heads and no action until the very end. The payoff at the end didn't make up for the journey it took me to get there.

Some serious writing talent on display though. The conversations all seemed very natural, the descriptions were spot on - it was just the story I didn't really take to.

-Mark

Interesting setting, but took far too long to get moving.  Too many characters to keep track of, and by page 5 I was skimming.  The writing itself was very descriptive, but seemed to languish because nothing was really happening.  Had to keep reminding myself this was an apocalypse script.  

The meteor at the end felt tacked on instead of being an integral part of the narrative.  It could have been used to create a growing sense of dread during all the soap opera dialogue earlier.  

Hi writer,

OK, the good news is you write extremely well, too well, better than me… and therefore, I must kill you.

But, that’s not the bad news, the bad news is there’s way too many characters, scenarios, and elements happening within these pages IMO that… I just ploughed through them as a courtesy to see what happened next. I will assume that those in Hiroshima would have absolutely believed that an apocalypse had arrived but, to the rest of the world they knew that just wasn’t so. Unfortunately that’s where it ends.

The world you portrayed here is actually really fascinating and lucid. Somehow I see this as a more adventurous script, a feature length as opposed to a short where you could transport the viewer to this island paradise by taking them on the journey with the protag. Starting off in a strange land doesn’t always work if there’s not enough backstory or description of the world were in. Ultimately I like it cause it’s got that … je ne sais quoi. Great job, good sir/madam.

Very stylistic writing.  Had an interesting story going, but sorry to say at the end it Bombed.

Not sure why the tortoises at the beginning. For awhile I thought this may be for a cartoon.

LOTS of characters for a short. None really stand out from another.

Are the tortoises in danger? They keep coming up so is this some kind of tortoise apocalypse? But at one point you mention there are 1000s swimming in the water, so how endangered are they really?

And then a random meteor hits out of the blue and the woman is saved by walking under the water with the tortoises? I'm not a scientist, but unless it was an air explosion I think there'd be a good chance a massive tidal wave would not be far behind considering they are in the middle of an ocean. We're talking Apocalypse right? How can she even make a phone call if the world has ended from the impact?

That aside, this is way too talky with too many characters to the point I was getting confused. There is no real story besides a bunch of people randomly thrown onto an island with a crap ton of tortoises. There could be something here but it would need a lot of work. This very much feels like a drama with a meteor thrown in last minute to meet the contest criteria.    

As far as writing goes, you do it very well.

I really felt like I was reading a feature film.  A lot of set up, a lot of description and a lot of plot leading up to an event that really had nothing to do with the overall story.  Felt like it was sort of wedged in to accommodate the apocalypse guideline.  I understand the perseverance angle, but it wasn't like she was persevering in the moment she survived the meteor, she just was just extremely lucky.

Plus, I'd be shocked a meteor of that size wasn't noticed approaching the earth way before it hit, and thus there should have been an earlier reference to it.  Maybe Vicki was there to try and avoid the meteor hit as well as study the tortoises. As it was, it was a long way to get to the story climax.

Still, the writing is very good, very visual. I think you could actually do something with this in a longer format, but as a short, I think it was a bit overworked.

Best of luck,
Gary

Interesting intro, lots of detail on where we are.

Level of detail is shocking...maybe too much, as I don't know anything about this place(s) - maybe I'll do some google searching after I'm done and see if this is even real or made up.

Writing is very visual and that's a big positive.  It's even an easy read, other than all the detail.

OK, we have some gratuitous nudity thrown in for the sake of...well, appears to be for the sake of showing some nudity.  

Page 7 - "Just call him, Dick, Girl,,,most everyone does." - Ha!  Nice line.

Is there an apocalypse somewhere that I don't see?

OK, something appears to be happening.  I actually like how you show each person (or creature) opening their eyes at the same time.

Page 11 - a fireball in the sky.  Finally.  Too late?  I don't know, but I don't think we had any warning leading up to this, did we?

Hmmm, so we have a definite theme here and I sense that there's supposed to be some juxtaposition with these rats and tortoises and Vickie and her ex hubby, maybe?  Not sure it shines through the way you probably intended it.

Writing is good.  Characters are good (I see all the reviews saying there are too many characters, but I only counted 6 onscreen, so no problem for me here).  Story is lacking.  Apocalypse is there, but definitely not the focus here.

Score - 3.5.

i'm dumb, so i had to google "atoll."  this is a dumb guy complaint, but it seems like a needlessly elaborate word for a logline.  island would have sufficed.  again, I'm dumb.

there's something very calming about the writing here.  bordering on boring. i'm dumb, never forget that.  ... but it reads longer than it is for sure.

a lot of characters and interaction for a short.

Jeez, Richard's first scene is a tonal shift.

page 8... trying to figure out when the apocalypse comes into play.  also, the word "tortoise" has already appeared 47 times in this script.

A whole lot to get through for the climax.  I wouldn't say this is "apocolyptic," but i do love the idea of someone being underwater while a major event like that takes place.

not sure i loved anything else.  all the family drama was long and almost entirely unnecessary, especially when you only had a few pages to work with.  it all could have been covered in much less time and still gotten the point/theme/parallels across.  i can see you obviously care about tortoises too, and i like how they played into the ending, but overall this was a slog for me... but I'm dumb.

Pretty good entry this although way overwritten. But at least the writer knows his stuff!

As someone said, the meteor ending seemed tacked on possibly because of deadline issues. And the theme was almost allegorical with the tortoise's efforts etc. Not bad!

Wow, I'm torn.

On the plus side, it was well written, deep beautiful scenery, moving scenes.

On the negative side, you committed a terrible sin.

It was boring.  It took too long to go anywhere.

SPOILERS

What did the rats have to do with the story?  If you tell me at the end there were dead rats, I'd be fine with that.  I actually thought the bleaching of the coral reef was AFTER the apocalypse.

The failed marriage and custody case were also unneeded.  All the focus on the tortoises were unnecessary.  

Then, finally, something happens, and it only affects 1 mile or something.  I admit, I skimmed because the level of detail was so great...

Yes, it was beautiful, but, you lost me because I had to read about stuff that would have no bearing on the story.

There's an old saying.  And this is true, especially in shorts.  Only show and tell what you have to.  Into a scene late, leave early.  If you write in a gun, you can bet that gun will have some function in the story.

If prose writing is an orgy of words, meaning that you write a bunch of words, they invite more words and suddenly, you have a book, that's fine because you can have a 40- page book.  Writers get paid by the word much of the time.

But, screenwriting is a duel of words.  Meaning that each word has to be the best optimum use of that word to show what is going on.  No useless words.  

You did a ton of research on a beautiful location.  use that to craft a wonderful story that's there and cut out the stuff that doesn't really matter.

I'm not trying to be mean, but, you had a wonderful story that was really weighed down by extraneous scenes that didn't make the story better, only bloated or confusing.

Dan

Hi,
For me there's not much story in here. I see the thing that troubles Vickie but its not much. So she'll stay close to her ex whom she hates... see I don't have nothing to root for and that's why loose interest quickly.
The dialog didnt work for me for the most part - all the repetitions about perseverance and such.

But I really felt the ending and liked the fact that tortoise went underwater and Vickie survived. I think you should work onthat conflict at the beginning

Writer,

Darn good, I have to say. Top notch writing, concise passages and descriptions. Just a good vibe to all of this. I felt I knew each and every character very well. Not much bad I can say here. Okay, if I must - you used the word perseverance a couple too many times to the point I was rolling my eyes. Other than that - very good work!

Steve

An odd take on the idea - not in a bad way.  More I think about it it’s an oddly arresting read - credit to the smooth writing/capable storytelling.  I just kind of drifted along to see how it all connected - not that I ever could have guessed.  I’m not sure it really did.  Good characters - well drawn for the space and I quite liked the whole tortoise ‘stampede’ into the sea.  To me the ending just felt underwhelming.  I thought this was building up to deliver something more...impactful.

Did Vicki persevere?  Felt more blind luck on her part.  Phone call felt a bit tacked on - do you need it?

Not my favourite, but it certainly made an impression.

A straightforward drama with some allegorical elements -- fine. The writing is smooth, and so's the storytelling. But.

Does Vicki make a choice, learn something, change, face something? As Steve says above, the final beat feels too much like luck.

Great imagery, but that central question -- what does Vicki learn/what do we learn? -- more or less sinks the whole thing, for me. Doesn't feel like a story of perseverance.

Story un-involving. Writing good. Imagery great.

There’s an apocalypse of sorts. And it happens while life is going on. And there will be some that will persevere.  Okay. I guess an apocalypse

I feel like we hit the word, “Persevere” a bit too often.  Other than that the writing is good. Dialogue a bit flowery in places but I’m guessing we’re going for a cultural flavor in those spots.

I don’t know what to suggest but it feels slow and plodding to me. Kinda moves like the tortoises Maybe it’s intentional. Like we’re trying to capture the laid back attitude of the islands?  

It's definitely solid work. It's just the pace that bothers me.

I'm on a fence with this as well. Good news: You write really well and I found myself really studying HOW you write as I read through to the end. Bad news: I wasn't hooked by any character or spiraling conflict. I knew that there had to be some apocalyptic aspect eventually, so that kept me going.

Great writing! Overall, I think I enjoyed it.

P5 a slow read for me, due to the love for detail I believe; so, I won't hold that against you. Impressive world you show and created. Whatever, writer, you got a heavy character count here so far…

P8 no apocalypse in sight
Okay, pre apocalyptic story, then boom.

Wow, I no way buy the meteor scenario - surviving in the water and that whole part (would expect the hell would break loose, storms and stuff to kill people like that). It reads, as if a blast wave came, that only has consequences to human bodies. I wasn't expecting such story decisions of you since I found everything else pretty smooth until then.

To me, it's a huge adventure flick that not perfectly fits into this short script challenge. However, you definitely completely dragged me into this world where I spend a while on a atoll, what was an enjoyable, unique experience. Still, I found you got too many scenes and characters here. It's noticeable that a lot of work went into this script. All in all, a very imaginative and memorable take. Good Job.

This is really well written, formatting, typos, grammar... all really strong.

Get a good visual sense of where we are and what is going on, but...

The first ten pages are like the setup for an episode of Murder in Paradise, and they're good, but...

The apocalypse bit, which isn't really one, doesn't start till page ten.

The following the tortoises and going underwater is clever (not sure it'd work though), and the imagery of her emerging would be good but for me it felt like a bolt on to another script.

Logline - starts ok, then I get lost. Tsunami?  Ah ha...Indian Ocean, I'll go for bomb, if not Godzilla !

I liked this ...but... it actually feels like a feature film not a short.

For a short this had too many people with too many agendas

The animal evading danger is well known and sound. Many animals avoided the Boxing Day tsunami, for example.

Good concept and if your into writing a longer version, this may have legs

Ps - I got it wrong, meteor!!

One of my faves so far. Not much to really say here.

Quoted Text "She's a model, not a stripper"

On future rewrites. if you feel you need it, fight like the dickens to keep this line.


Well written, no stumbles.
Terrific work.

RE: Kofi -- If you give your character an unusual or unique name (or no first name), please state their gender from the get go; it'll save your readers a headache and a reread. A "younger version of his dad." Who's his dad?

The sealife "teams"?? Teems.

"How are they doing? We saw" extra space.

One letter in Manisha's name was not capped. MANISHA  
AUBEl should be AUBEL. Not a good start.


Not a very memorable script. I lost track of the plot, but then again, I'm beat. Maybe I'll come back to it.

This was very well written, very visual, but there was too much story - it felt more like the start of a feature than a short. It moves at too leisurely a pace - it seemed like most of the script was spent on set up and back story which would be fine if it was leading to a longer story, but as it is, it doesn’t work.

There were a few mistakes throughout (Camile’s (V.O.) disappearing, repetitive descriptions), but other than that, the writing was top notch.

The characters were well drawn out and interesting, but the whole meteor thing at the end felt tacked on to meet the requirements of the challenge (which I’m not entirely sure it did). If I were you, I’d forget the last few pages and see if there’s a better story there - you definitely have the set up for something bigger.

Great writing but a long drawn out story.

So I guess it was only small apocalypse at the end... enough to kill everything on the island except the  Sat phone on the bridge, those are indestructible.

Good to see the Tortoises getting justice becoming Turtles for a few minutes so the rats could die above the water.

This is the 2nd one I've read were someone straps on scuba gear goes underwater only to resurface with everyone dead and that one only took 3 pages

I like the title. I like the visuals at the beginning although I'm not sure I'm reading a story about lives of turtles and rats or people yet.

Very well written...almost so well it feels sterile. Let your hair down writer. Get a tattoo. You got writing chops but have some fun.

V.O. left off of Camile after the first one.

Nice visuals from underwater. Good job on visuals. Very good job.

is a buzz with life, as MEN  --do not think the comma is needed here.

Manisha's accent(dialogue) changes when she speaks to Vickie

I loved this little tale ...it was a bit slow at the beginning and throughout but I loved it. Glad Vickie persevered. Cute how you worked the title through the story. Nice job.

GREAT job.

I'm mixed on this one. It's one of the best written, has some good characters and is generally well-constructed. My main issue deals with whether a single meteor strike fulfills the apocalypse requirement. It also seemed more like the story was abruptly interrupted by the meteor than the meteor playing a logically appropriate role in the story’s conclusion.

Perseverance - Apocalypse, Drama (but not Drama) - Life and death plays out on a secluded atoll in the Indian Ocean for the local population and an estranged couple, unaware of the coming destruction. 

Rating: 2
Thoughts: Okay, assuming there's some dramatic irony here (we know the end is coming but the couple doesn't), that could be interesting.


TITLE: Perseverance

STORY

Concept is fresh/and or original - 3

Theme is well executed/interweaved - 2

Stakes are clear/conflict is strong and or compelling - 2

Story - 3

Ending - 2

CHARACTER/DIALOGUE

Protagonist(s) is (are) likable and/or compelling - 1

Dialogue reads naturally/believable within this story - 2

Dialogue reveals character -  2

READABILITY

Action text "shows" instead of "tells" - 3

Overall readability - 3

Total: 2.3

Thanks to all who read and commented.  Special thanks to those that liked it!  

I was going to go with something different but decided on this (kinda this) on Wednesday, but then when I started writing on Thursday, tweaked some major things.

I spent many, many hours researching every little possible detail, and everything in here is real and fact.

My aim was to show life, good vs "bad" in the local animal life of the atoll played off against Vickie and her estranged husband, but apparently, that didn't quite get through to most.

I did have to edit out about 6 lines, but based on how my software was spacing, after deleting 8 lines, I was still 5 over, so had to make a few cuts that I didn't really want to.

When complete, I read through it, and although I really liked it, I did see that many would have a problem with the lack of story/plot.  The end was not tacked on at all, actually and this was a completely fresh idea and concept I came up with, and had hoped would play out more powerfully than it appeared to.

The meteor hit land near Dar es Saalam, Tanzania, which is far from highly populated, but picture a 1,000 mile radius in all directions, and you've got a shitload of death and what I definitely considered to be an apocalypse.  Actually, if I had another page left, I had some plans for more meteors to fall in other parts of the world.

I want to thank those that saw a few mistakes I made, as I always want to know, and am surprised I missed them, as this was edited at least 15 times, so my bad.

If anyone wants any exact questions answered, let me know, as I most likely have them.

Fun OWC for sure.  I thank The Swede and The Great Don, as well as everyone who participated...and for those who participated but didn't review, shame on you...seriously, shame on you, as just no reason to take but not give back.

Quoted Text If anyone wants any exact questions answered, let me know, as I most likely have them.

How exactly does a giant Tortoise survive underwater?
Turtles have webbed feet for a reason and Tortoise don't

Also do you think you could have dragged 2 sets of Scuba gear at one time?

Quoted from irish eyes How exactly does a giant Tortoise survive underwater? Turtles have webbed feet for a reason and Tortoise don't Also do you think you could have dragged 2 sets of Scuba gear at one time?

Exactly...tortoises do not "swim" underwater...turtles do.  The idea was to show "perseverance", in that the tortoises, who have survived for billions of years in their same form, somehow knew to do something they normally didn't do.

Obviously, the whole idea of being able to survive whatever the meteor brought being underwater, was something I just decided on...so, the majority of underwater life would survive, while all above water would perish...within a 1,000 mile radius...or whatever it actually turned out to be, as the meteor passed low overhead, before the crash landing, all above water had already perished...

I could not drag 2 sets of SCUBA gear over a beach, nor would I ever attempt to put on SCUBA gear on a sandy beach and wade into the water with it on.  

BUT...if a babe like the one you sent me wanted me to try, I would, and maybe I could do it, if there were promises to keep, underwater, in the many sunken ships, or underwater caves where we could breathe and make out like hot, horny school kids.

Quoted from Horny Mc Tightpants BUT...if a babe like the one you sent me wanted me to try, I would, and maybe I could do it, if there were promises to keep, underwater, in the many sunken ships, or underwater caves where we could breathe and make out like hot, horny school kids.

That's fucking funny

You're a good guy, Mark!  I think we cool, right?

Now, let's start dogpiling Stevie!     

Sounds like a plan

Jeff, you wrote this one?  I had an idea that you would.

You know what the problem was, and I think some others did too.  You wrote a drama where the apocalypse was the backdrop, but, at the end.  

If you had started off with that and went backwards, I think it would have been much more effective.  I mean, going down to study a phenomenon that was happening live, then seeing life dead would be shocking.  

But, for me, the science was faulty.  I'm not talking about the rats and tortoises but, the meteor.  No meteor can hit the planet without huge advance notice.  It just simply isn't realistic.  Another story had a solar flare, again, same thing...

This felt like the Godzilla buildup of the old movies.  It's coming, it's coming, oh boy, it's coming, then, when it comes, it's over before it got good...

However, as I said, the story was beautifully written.  I wish I could do that...

Dan

Quoted from DanC   No meteor can hit the planet without huge advance notice.  It just simply isn't realistic.

Well, you have to understand where they were...literally in the middle of nowhere.

Is exposed the right word, my friend ? I recognized your modern characters. Pretty authentic as usual.

Good script, man. Greets

Quoted from PrussianMosby Is exposed the right word, my friend ? I recognized your modern characters. Pretty authentic as usual. Good script, man. Greets

Exposed?  As in you exposed me as the writer?  You're very impressive.  Dena also thought this was mine.  I tried to throw a few things in to throw peeps off, but looking back, this reeks of me, with the gratuitous nudity, drug use, drinking, and foreign characters speaking with an accent.  I guess I can't help myself!  

Glad you enjoyed it and thanks for reading and the feedback!

I very much enjoyed your writing in Chernobyl, so decided to see what you did in one weeks time with this OWC.

Yep, written very well. No typos!!!!  

Natural and real sounding dialogue.

I loved the setting. The Seychelles and Maldives are on my bucket list. Hopefully before I get too old to swim. Lol. Loved the tortoises. It's all good. I don't think this will be filmed, but that's probably not what you set out to do here.

Chike, a name I had never heard before until some Nigerians filmed one of my shorts. I like it.

I think my biggest issue with this script is that it felt like it wanted to be a feature. Therefore, it doesn't quite feel like a great short. The meteor was okay. Not great. Seems like something like that would have been on some stargazer's radar prior. Also, if a meteor of that size hit earth, wouldn't it affect the whole world in some way?

So, great work for a weeks effort. I would've given this a 4, Very Good, if I was one of the entrants.

Now go write this into a feature.  

Thanks for the read, Pia.  Glad you enjoyed it.

One thing I didn't mention was that I never said anything about the size of the meteor, and in reality, I actually didn't want to even call it a meteor, but when I wrote the very last satphone exchange between Vickie and her daughter, I had the daughter tell Vickie it was a meteor, which I shouldn't have.  Originally, this was an alien type thing.  My bad.

Oh well...on to the next.

Thanks again!

Jeff, gave this a read.

First the nits:

Quoted Text JOJO, 25, a younger version of his Dad, enters from the bridge, carrying a white double SCUBA tank

Since we haven't seen his Dad this is not a helpful description.

Quoted Text CAMILE Mom, I need to tell you something...Dad called me this afternoon. VICKIE Oh God, what now? CAMILE Well...he's in The Seychelles too, and he'll be on Picard at La Gigi this afternoon. 3. VICKIE Shit...so will I.

Odd last line of dialogue - too OTN. Camile must know that her Mom is going there (i.e., I assumed that was the purpose of the call) so why the need for Vickie to tell her. I would just leave it at shit. I actually also think that the scene would work better if Camile was relaying the info to her brother and burdens him with the task of giving the Mom the news. Just a thought.

Also - are you missing a few V.Os for Camille?

The good stuff - beautiful visuals. You put me in the islands quickly and felt I was there the whole time. Efficient and vivid descriptions. I loved the tortoises and the rats, the theme of the tortoises doing things against their nature (swimming) because of their animal sense.

I found the dialogue a little stilted. Really nothing hit it out of the park for me.

My biggest gripe - So, I'm loving the story and then we meet Manisha and Richard. It was such a tonal shift for me it served as a derailment (like a fart in a funeral). They were cartoonish cads - make them real, normal, genuine characters. When they are wiped out I want to feel that Vicki missed that last conversation she should have had with him rather than another ass-wipe and airhead off the planet. Long winded way of saying you had a beautiful tone to this story and, IMO - derailed it right at the nude shots.

Overall - a lot to like

Thanks so much for the read and comments, Dave.  Always appreciated.

JoJo is Kofi's son, actually.  I think I deleted a line that should have stayed, making this clear.

As to the nudity and tonal change, yeah, guilty as charged.  I almost always do my best to include some gratuitous nudity and/or sex.  I did try to show Manisha as more than what she probably came across as, but it was probably buried a bit too deep to mean much.

Richard (Dick) was meant to be the rats, and Vickie, the tortoises.  My aim was to play off the atoll creatures with the 2 main characters, and even tried to use some descriptions that would make this very clear...I don't think I succeeded.

Thanks for the compliments.  I spent a ton of time researching all this - probably way too much time, to teh point where I now need to go here and see this place in real life.

Thanks again, bro.

My pleasure, Jeff.

Quoted Text Richard (Dick) was meant to be the rats, and Vickie, the tortoises.  My aim was to play off the atoll creatures with the 2 main characters, and even tried to use some descriptions that would make this very clear...I don't think I succeeded.

Thematically, I love this. I just think it could be subtler. Richard's POV is  -how can you blame a rat for it's desire to eat, as if it were a real choice after all? Vivki's POV - the eating is not a choice, but whether to earn your meal or steal it is a choice.

Anyways - best of luck. Like I said, lots to like here

Thanks, Dave.

Now, it's off to Vegas!!