For Honey or Gold by Anonymous 12 - Short, Apocalypse, Drama, Sci Fi, Drama-Fi - A scientist struggles against the overseer of the last remaining greenhouse on Earth, Fort Knox, after a biotech company destroys all vegetation on the planet. 10 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Writer,

Great writing, great premise. I liked this one a lot. Your writing was very clean, had no problems envisioning everything you wanted me to see. The story kept it going. Dialogue very good, too. Was Jack dying as he made his final discovery? That would have added a nice twist to this. Anyway, great job!

Steve

All this stuff with zooming into Earth is incredibly cheesy and poorly done.

The Terminator seed thing is interesting, but execution (with all the VO) ain't cutting it.

"1000" - Really?  C'mon now...

Slugs are terrible!

"100" - "one hundred"

Guards not properly intro'd.

Way too many long winded dialogue exchanges.

Slugs are really poor...did I say that already?

Montage doesn't work here at all.

This is a good concept, but very poorly executed and ends with a whimper.  Easily the best so far, but I can't give you more than 2.5, as this just isn't a 3 star script in any way, other than your original idea.  Go back and rework this and you may have an interesting little Apocalyptic tale we haven't seen before.

nitpick - right out the gate, wish you didn't call it the "Terminator seed."  How am I supposed to think of anything except the actual Terminator?  It's too big a name in the movie-sphere to ever be used in any work of fiction again, imo.

rocket surgery?  you couldn't decide rocket science and brain surgery, huh?

ton of exposition in the dialogue, but not really sure how else to do it.

I'm sure you'll get yelled at for no FADE OUT.

it's not poorly written or anything, just sorry to say I didn't find it all that interesting.  There are definitely some cool elements to it, but I was bored.  Obviously don't take offense to that, b/c who the hell am I?

Huh? Whats with that ending? Its not finished and is a poor place to end. Was the writer out of time?

This was pretty good before that and had a few influences going - The Martian, The Stand, Wool to name a few (IMO anyway lol)

One thing made me chuckle - here in Oz a 'glovebox' is a compartment in a car on the passenger side dash. I know you meant a box of disposable gloves here but it read funny. Although I guess people have woken up drunk with their head jammed in a glovebox on many a Sunday here in Oz!

Anyway well written too. A lot action scenes with little dialogue can be tiresome to read and leads to skimming but you spaced it nicely here. Good job!

The second bee domination script already.  This is the serious version of the concept.  On the first page, the cuts between the vault and zooming in on earth were awkward and felt misplaced.  

Fort Knox is an interesting setting for this tale and ties in well with the title.

I wish a little more time was given to the Terminator seed apocalypse instead of merely mentioning it in passing.  

The conflict between Jack and Carl, two childhood friends, was well handled.  

But this is another script that just sort of ends before an actual ending.  Some follow through with the queen bee could have helped this feel more complete.  

Hi writer,

Cool script, thought provoking to say the least. You’ve either done some research in the past, or done some for this OWC, either way it shows. Monsanto… where to start, best not too, that’s why I own several containers of heirloom seeds… just in case. But you’re talking pollination so, I better get a greenhouse with screens while I’m at it (tedious but, you can manually pollinate with a small paintbrush). Actually, I shouldn’t talk out loud, cause late at night, when I think I’m alone on here… there’s actually a Googlebot lurking about, lol.

I really like this idea you’ve cooked up here, it’s got me thinking outside of the box on many things, so, thanks for that. Your logline, while transparent, might go through an overhaul to encapsulate the bees; they are, after all, the binding force within this big idea. Just opinion of course.

Thought provoking, well written, and great use of theme. Well done, all the best

I actually disagree with Canis.  I didn't feel the level of knowledge to write this story was up to the level needed to make it make sense.

To have hundreds of bee hives with no queen doesn't make sense.  Queenless hives break up.  

Also, I'm not sure that the terminator plant would work that way.  

Not all plants and flowers transfer their DNA in that fashion.  

It's a good story, but, one that doesn't make sense.  What about the seed factories that are scattered throughout the world?    And I didn't really get the title in relation to the story.  

I guess the lack of food would qualify for an apocalyptic type story, but, where are the millions (billions) of starving people that would want in?  

Again, lots of questions, and I hope the writer tells us their background and if the science behind what they wrote is solid, or if they winged it.

Dan

Hey writer,

Yep, the first few pages need a bit of a tidy up, nothing too major but some work to be done there.

The plot then. It's alright, quite liked it in parts. I really do hate to be overly critical, but it feels like you've strung it out longer than it had to be. I do understand that a writer needs space and pages to build something, but I feel you could have taken some of the exposition and bee stuff out, just to make it an easier read.

Regardless, it was well written, and certainly a different take on the challenge, so well done.

Cam

In regards to Dan's post about this not making sense, well, you know, it's a work of fiction. I don't think it necessary to follow all the rules or laws of nature in a script like this. I think the writer should be allowed a certain amount of latitude when telling his/her story. I mean, so what if in reality queen-less hives break up? I though the exact same thing, but didn't really matter to me. If queen-less gives break up then we don't have much of a story, do we? What I mean to say is - so what? And who cares about the billions of people who want to get in? Has nothing to do with this writer's story.

Just my opinion.

[quote=StevnClark]In regards to Dan's post about this not making sense, well, you know, it's a work of fiction. I don't think it necessary to follow all the rules or laws of nature in a script like this. I think the writer should be allowed a certain amount of latitude when telling his/her story. I mean, so what if in reality queen-less hives break up? I though the exact same thing, but didn't really matter to me. If queen-less gives break up then we don't have much of a story, do we? What I mean to say is - so what? And who cares about the billions of people who want to get in? Has nothing to do with this writer's story.

Just my opinion. [/quooxygeDo you know that for Star Trek and the warp engines they actually consulted NASA and other specialists in the field of space flight theory.  Why would they pay money to consult with these professionals when absolutely no one would ever question it?

Here's why.  In any story we write, there's something called the suspension of disbelief.  That is the imaginary line in each person that once crossed destroys the story.  It is what let's us believe in a world of fantasy,horror, sci fi, etc.  Each time a false or unlikelihood event or piece of information gets noticed by anyone it instantly takes them out of your story.  The scariest thing is that it doesn't even have to be a conscious thought.  A subconscious thought is just as bad.

The story asks us to believe not only that this seed could end all plant life on Earth, and cause Queen bees to vanish, but somehow we are supposed to believe that trees survived.  Now if trees survived, what about apples and oranges that grow on trees?  

If trees died out too, then the story is moot because with absolutely no plant life at all, humans and every creature on this planet would starve to death (well choke actually) because there's no oxygen.  

So I try to be very careful when I don't research something and rely on my knowledge.  I think thatywhy I tend to write stuff that doesn't rely on factual science.

Dan - maybe I'm wrong but where do you see any trees in this script? There's plants growing in the facility, but I don't recall a mention of trees. And by the way, according to Bee Keeping For Dummies, hives with no queens have options and it's not a given that the hive is doomed, hence a queen does appear at the end of this.

Stephen King has a lot of people doing research for him, and he always notes that he takes certain liberties with the facts of the research, then bends them to suit the needs of the story. Just a matter of opinion here. If it didn't work for you that's cool. Apples and oranges. And thanks for schooling me on suspension of disbelief. Never heard of that one.

So I see that not many people read this one and its just two writers going back and forth which gives us an impression that this one got enough reads.

Anyway, I liked the idea and the script. Thought that the ending was undone, actually totally missed why the queen bee and what changes if he finds her. Also if its so important why he couldnt find it earlier - she did land on his arm at the end...

I wish you described Jack. Carl is described, not Jack and he's your main character.
Cool script, nice idea.

The first third felt pretty complicated. I may look at it again later but for now that whole gold, thermos, bee part, the X and all that… over-challenged me.

In the middle of the script you still have to push hard with dialogue to finish the world building and explain the dramatic situation.

Okay, bee science fiction here. The script as a whole felt a little unfocused to me. Some things about the technical side of Jack's task obviously went over my head. The script had a good vibe though. I also liked the characters and their interaction.

Logline - not sure I understand this, let's see...

Ok, interesting idea. Couldn't quite work out why Fort Knox? Because it's secure?

I liked the tension between them but there was a little too much backstory between them

The ending I found a bit of a let down but mans struggle to return nature is a nice theme