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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April 2017 OWC  ›  For Honey or Gold - OWC Moderators: Grandma Bear
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  Author    For Honey or Gold - OWC  (currently 2501 views)
MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 25th, 2017, 7:57am Report to Moderator
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You saved this as the Monsanto Script. Be careful, their layers will be onto you!

This takes an age to get going. There's a lot of unnecessary action and clumsy dialogue at the beginning which made it a chore to get through.

It finally gets going and got me really interested on page 6. I was hooked then, started enjoying it. The flow was going nicely and I was intrigued as to what would happen next. On page 9 I scrolled down and nothing happened. I thought there was something wrong with my mouse or hand but then I realized, it was the end.

*SAD FACE*

Like Dan I'm not sure of the science I'm being asked to accept here. This does feel a bit like another story that has been altered quickly to fit the theme, but I think there's enough potential to develop this into a much better and larger story about genetically modified food gone badly wrong.

Not bad but not quite enough for me.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Gary in Houston
Posted: April 25th, 2017, 10:37pm Report to Moderator
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Why empty the gold out of Ft. Knox? I'm sure he's not stealing it, right? Is it just to make room for his experiments?  Anyway, a minor thing, but each part of your story should have meaning to the reader - and maybe it does and I'm just dense. Anywho, very good writing on display - a skilled hand for sure. The one thing -- that ending. I'm glad he found the queen, but the ending just seemed abrupt, like the final shot of "The Sopranos."  Guessing others might feel the same. Great job otherwise.

Best,
Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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stevemiles
Posted: April 26th, 2017, 1:32pm Report to Moderator
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Strong visuals with the bees and airlocks.  The dumping gold bars into the dust sets the scene.  Gold no longer has any value, bees however...  Only issue is I don’t know that I’d get the connection to Fort Knox if I was watching this on-screen.  Unless I missed something how would we know where we were?  I’m from the UK though, so...

I think you could pare back the dialogue between Jack and Carl following Jack’s return - not that it’s bad.

A unique take on the whole apocalypse - a ‘softer’ armageddon - one that doesn’t get explored enough.  Kudos for that.  I like it, but the ending felt too abrupt.

Plot wise I feel like I’m missing something.  We go from Jack finding a potential cure only to forget that angle (albeit reluctantly), moving on to what felt like another solution with finding the Queen.  Why would Carl be okay with one plan yet not the other - presumably he'd have to bring the Queen back inside?  Does Jack need the Queen for the former to work?  It’s like two goals competing for limited space.  I wonder if the ending would be sweeter if this were solely about Jack’s struggle to locate the Queen and less of the cleaning the worker bees bit.  Just my tuppence worth.  

Anyways, hope it’s one you come back to as the idea has a lot going for it.

That’s if monsanto don’t set the goons on you first...


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 27th, 2017, 5:07pm Report to Moderator
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Great idea, and reminded me of a polite version of Day of the Dead, which is good.

But, I didn't like the VO and zooming into Earth bit, I'd suggest looking for an alternative way to do that.

The rest of the writing was great, very visual and got a real sense of the place and the characters. I was really intrigued to where you were going with it and loved the little trick with the thermos - nice.

But then, well I'm not sure Queen bees and hives work like that and it seemed like you might have run out of steam/time...

So I think the end needs some work but one of my faves.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Wes
Posted: April 30th, 2017, 2:24pm Report to Moderator
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Where did the terminator seed come from? I'm not clear on the parent plant that apparently doesn't produce seeds. Or this company did gene splicing on millions of seeds?
If the plant doesn’t produce seeds, why would it produce pollen?
And this pollen can cross-pollinate with every single plant on earth?
There are trillions of bees but there is no queen bee? How is that possible?
A FADE OUT at the end would be nice.
The writing is fairly solid. Dialogue is long-winded in places.
I just can't buy the story.


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Pale Yellow
Posted: April 30th, 2017, 8:35pm Report to Moderator
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Love a script about bees. Great concept here I think.

Good writing throughout.

I like the relationship you established between Carl and Jack. I like the conflict also. I do not think the world is completely understood though and I love this idea.

I like that he found a queen at the end but was he dead by the swarm at that point? I think I would be ok with the end if I understood the irony or some sort of twist happened. I mean I guess the character did reach his goal of finding the queen but it still lacks something.. maybe karma to the guy that kicked him out?? I dunno ... just needed something more.

Kudos for a bee script though! And great job IMO.
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SteveUK
Posted: May 1st, 2017, 9:03am Report to Moderator
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This was pretty solid for the most part, but definitely needs a tidy up.

The conflict between Jack and Carl was well handled, but I didn’t get why Carl would throw him out when he’d banged to solve the problem? And then we get on to the queen bee - why does he need one? It’s never explained.

I didn’t like the ending - far too abrupt, and we don’t know why he was looking for the queen in the first place, so there’s no real sense of irony or relief when he finally finds it.

Overall, this needs a little work but was an interesting and unique spin on the apocalypse theme.
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Heretic
Posted: May 1st, 2017, 10:53am Report to Moderator
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4 - The shift from V.O. over quiet, slow world-building to high-energy dialogue and conflict is sort of jarring, here. It seems like a really weird place for these guys to get into this big fight -- if they're going to, it'd be good to have the sense that's something's just happened, something's out of the ordinary, to justify the instant high emotions, here.

6 - Yeah. The conflict is a good way to handle the exposition, but it also feels really childish in a post-apocalyptic scenario. I wonder if there's a different way to handle this.

8 - See, why not start with Jack getting caught and getting the "rest of your life" edict? Then you'd have a clearer reason for all the tension and a ticking clock from the start. You'd probably even be able to eliminate the V.O. if you start with Jack doing his tests at night -- maybe he's making video logs or whatever.

Coming to the end (?) I'm pretty sold on my above question -- why not start with the big moment? You draw out an interesting conflict between Jack and Carl, but it slowly builds to the moment of betrayal -- I say just start with it and work out the exposition afterward.

I admit that I'm a little hazy on how exactly everything is working in this world, but the simple story is that Jack needs to find a queen to get everyone out of the Fort and start reclaiming the earth. It's a cool premise and obviously a setup for some great visuals. What it's lacking -- and I"m not sure if this is finished? -- is any conclusion to the Carl/Jack conflict, and a clear connection between that conflict and the main quest. As I noted, it feels a little childish to quibble over some of this stuff when they're all in this together -- it'd be nice to see those lines drawn more clearly.

Definitely in major rewrite territory, but tons of cool material to work here. I'd look forward to a new draft.
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JEStaats
Posted: May 2nd, 2017, 12:30pm Report to Moderator
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I started filling out my vote sheet and realized I missed this one! I agree with maybe losing the whole V.O. segment to explain the background. It could easily be covered through some detailed show and tell? Didn't quite get why he was hauling out gold bars either.

Once understanding the premise, it reminded me of Bruce Dern in 'Silent Running'. WHAT!? You haven't seen it!? You better order that one tonight.

Overall, I liked it. It has great potential with a rev or two. Good work.
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ChrisBodily
Posted: May 4th, 2017, 12:19am Report to Moderator
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First mistake. There's no day/night in space.

Normally, you should avoid any explicit camera directions.


Quoted Text
With the cart of gold, Jack stands in the middle of a large room.  Red lights flash.  An alarm BUZZES.  Two massive metal doors crack open.  Daylight pours in.  The alarm buzz mixes with the sound of buzzing from outside.


Too much for one paragraph! I'd break it up into two, three, even four paragraphs.

"rocket surgery"??? Intentional?

A sequel to Honeycomb Apocalypse?

I'd break up some of the paragraphs. Too much going on per paragraph. Let it breathe.

Honey? Gold? That explains the title, I guess.


Quoted Text
scoots a few bees inside them[,] then corks them.


Seeing "them" and "then" back to back is a bit jarring/confusing.

Had to Google "thermos." Though it was like a thermostat or thermometer. It's a vacuum flask.

Should have capped the guards.


"Funny... you were Carl [...]" way too long -- ten lines! Break it up with action. Don't give your reader or actor a headache.

Okay, the next dialogue works well enough.

"[...] you’d also be dead.  You’d just be dead in here. " Pick and delete the other.

How can a smell punch somebody? Even as a figure of speech, it reads wrong.

Normally. all this dialogue would be too long, but most of it's good enough to keep in tact.

That's it? No Fade out? No The End?

"Ending" feels a bit rushed, maybe even unfinished. But at least he found the queen.

Overall, not bad. Great job.


FADE IN:
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irish eyes
Posted: May 4th, 2017, 6:29pm Report to Moderator
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Great writing kept the story moving along but the ending or lack of was a little puzzling.

So he found the Queen bee as he died or that was his ticket out?

Did you accidentally forget Fade out or did you post the wrong draft?

Nice tension between your two main characters also... good banter back and forth and obviously they have history.

Good job on entering


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CameronD
Posted: May 5th, 2017, 9:54am Report to Moderator
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Interesting.

Very uneven I felt. let me explain. The premise of the "terminator seed" screwing up life on Earth is a strong one. As is the beginning shots of gold being thrown away seemingly. It's strong imagery, asks lots of questions, and reflects on current events with Monsanto of course being the parallel.

But then it gets confusing. I'm still not sure what the gold was used for or why Carl throws it away into a pile. The dialogue between Jack and Carl was painful at times. Waaaay too much exposition and back and forth that slogged the story down.

You write about doors opening and closing well. I mean it, with all the gasses pouring in and out, locks and everything. However there is too much "door porn" if we can call it that.

I like the ending where jack is thrown out to find a Queen but I'm still not sure why he needs to find one or what his experiments are trying to do or how they work. The bees got infected by the Terminator gene from the plant maybe?  But then why the hell are there so many damn bees outside? I mean there has to be multiple queens somewhere for all those bees to exist. And how are the bees keeping them alive? I liked the terminator seed but was disappointed to see the script shifted focus to 100% bees after the first page.

The main problem is stakes aren't clearly explained. Too much time time spent on doors and not on story. Though it's a miserable existence, the vault dwellers seem to be getting along fine as far as we know.

This is a good premise that I think got stuck in a 12 page limit.


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Grandma Bear
Posted: May 6th, 2017, 7:52am Report to Moderator
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For Honey or Gold - Apocalypse, Drama, Sci Fi, Drama-Fi - A scientist struggles against the overseer of the last remaining greenhouse on Earth, Fort Knox, after a biotech company destroys all vegetation on the planet.  

Rating: 2
Thoughts: Not bad.  Some thought has been put into this one.  Only reason it doesn't get higher is because Brian Vaughn wrote a famous spec about a similar premise.

TITLE: For Honey Or Gold

STORY

Concept is fresh/and or original - 4

Theme is well executed/interweaved - 3

Stakes are clear/conflict is strong and or compelling - 3

Story - 2

Ending - 3

CHARACTER/DIALOGUE

Protagonist(s) is (are) likable and/or compelling - 3

Dialogue reads naturally/believable within this story - 3

Dialogue reveals character -  3

READABILITY

Action text "shows" instead of "tells" - 3

Overall readability - 3

Total: 3.0


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Nomad
Posted: May 6th, 2017, 3:01pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from SAC
Was Jack dying as he made his final discovery?


Thanks for the read, Steven.

I appreciate your time and notes.  I'm glad you like it.

Jack was dying but he wasn't dead.  He was going to save the world...if I had more than 12 pages to do that with.

Jordan


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SAC
Posted: May 6th, 2017, 10:23pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Yeah, pretty good job. Liked the dialogue telling the backstory between the two mains. It said a lot. Funny, at my job today I came across a woman who's a bee keeper. All of her bees are dying and she's not sure why! Go figure. I asked her about the queen. If the queen had laid eggs and a new queen was born, well guess what, the hive survives...


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