For Honey or Gold by Anonymous 12 - Short, Apocalypse, Drama, Sci Fi, Drama-Fi - A scientist struggles against the overseer of the last remaining greenhouse on Earth, Fort Knox, after a biotech company destroys all vegetation on the planet. 10 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Writer,

Great writing, great premise. I liked this one a lot. Your writing was very clean, had no problems envisioning everything you wanted me to see. The story kept it going. Dialogue very good, too. Was Jack dying as he made his final discovery? That would have added a nice twist to this. Anyway, great job!

Steve

All this stuff with zooming into Earth is incredibly cheesy and poorly done.

The Terminator seed thing is interesting, but execution (with all the VO) ain't cutting it.

"1000" - Really?  C'mon now...

Slugs are terrible!

"100" - "one hundred"

Guards not properly intro'd.

Way too many long winded dialogue exchanges.

Slugs are really poor...did I say that already?

Montage doesn't work here at all.

This is a good concept, but very poorly executed and ends with a whimper.  Easily the best so far, but I can't give you more than 2.5, as this just isn't a 3 star script in any way, other than your original idea.  Go back and rework this and you may have an interesting little Apocalyptic tale we haven't seen before.

nitpick - right out the gate, wish you didn't call it the "Terminator seed."  How am I supposed to think of anything except the actual Terminator?  It's too big a name in the movie-sphere to ever be used in any work of fiction again, imo.

rocket surgery?  you couldn't decide rocket science and brain surgery, huh?

ton of exposition in the dialogue, but not really sure how else to do it.

I'm sure you'll get yelled at for no FADE OUT.

it's not poorly written or anything, just sorry to say I didn't find it all that interesting.  There are definitely some cool elements to it, but I was bored.  Obviously don't take offense to that, b/c who the hell am I?

Huh? Whats with that ending? Its not finished and is a poor place to end. Was the writer out of time?

This was pretty good before that and had a few influences going - The Martian, The Stand, Wool to name a few (IMO anyway lol)

One thing made me chuckle - here in Oz a 'glovebox' is a compartment in a car on the passenger side dash. I know you meant a box of disposable gloves here but it read funny. Although I guess people have woken up drunk with their head jammed in a glovebox on many a Sunday here in Oz!

Anyway well written too. A lot action scenes with little dialogue can be tiresome to read and leads to skimming but you spaced it nicely here. Good job!

The second bee domination script already.  This is the serious version of the concept.  On the first page, the cuts between the vault and zooming in on earth were awkward and felt misplaced.  

Fort Knox is an interesting setting for this tale and ties in well with the title.

I wish a little more time was given to the Terminator seed apocalypse instead of merely mentioning it in passing.  

The conflict between Jack and Carl, two childhood friends, was well handled.  

But this is another script that just sort of ends before an actual ending.  Some follow through with the queen bee could have helped this feel more complete.  

Hi writer,

Cool script, thought provoking to say the least. You’ve either done some research in the past, or done some for this OWC, either way it shows. Monsanto… where to start, best not too, that’s why I own several containers of heirloom seeds… just in case. But you’re talking pollination so, I better get a greenhouse with screens while I’m at it (tedious but, you can manually pollinate with a small paintbrush). Actually, I shouldn’t talk out loud, cause late at night, when I think I’m alone on here… there’s actually a Googlebot lurking about, lol.

I really like this idea you’ve cooked up here, it’s got me thinking outside of the box on many things, so, thanks for that. Your logline, while transparent, might go through an overhaul to encapsulate the bees; they are, after all, the binding force within this big idea. Just opinion of course.

Thought provoking, well written, and great use of theme. Well done, all the best

I actually disagree with Canis.  I didn't feel the level of knowledge to write this story was up to the level needed to make it make sense.

To have hundreds of bee hives with no queen doesn't make sense.  Queenless hives break up.  

Also, I'm not sure that the terminator plant would work that way.  

Not all plants and flowers transfer their DNA in that fashion.  

It's a good story, but, one that doesn't make sense.  What about the seed factories that are scattered throughout the world?    And I didn't really get the title in relation to the story.  

I guess the lack of food would qualify for an apocalyptic type story, but, where are the millions (billions) of starving people that would want in?  

Again, lots of questions, and I hope the writer tells us their background and if the science behind what they wrote is solid, or if they winged it.

Dan

Hey writer,

Yep, the first few pages need a bit of a tidy up, nothing too major but some work to be done there.

The plot then. It's alright, quite liked it in parts. I really do hate to be overly critical, but it feels like you've strung it out longer than it had to be. I do understand that a writer needs space and pages to build something, but I feel you could have taken some of the exposition and bee stuff out, just to make it an easier read.

Regardless, it was well written, and certainly a different take on the challenge, so well done.

Cam

In regards to Dan's post about this not making sense, well, you know, it's a work of fiction. I don't think it necessary to follow all the rules or laws of nature in a script like this. I think the writer should be allowed a certain amount of latitude when telling his/her story. I mean, so what if in reality queen-less hives break up? I though the exact same thing, but didn't really matter to me. If queen-less gives break up then we don't have much of a story, do we? What I mean to say is - so what? And who cares about the billions of people who want to get in? Has nothing to do with this writer's story.

Just my opinion.

[quote=StevnClark]In regards to Dan's post about this not making sense, well, you know, it's a work of fiction. I don't think it necessary to follow all the rules or laws of nature in a script like this. I think the writer should be allowed a certain amount of latitude when telling his/her story. I mean, so what if in reality queen-less hives break up? I though the exact same thing, but didn't really matter to me. If queen-less gives break up then we don't have much of a story, do we? What I mean to say is - so what? And who cares about the billions of people who want to get in? Has nothing to do with this writer's story.

Just my opinion. [/quooxygeDo you know that for Star Trek and the warp engines they actually consulted NASA and other specialists in the field of space flight theory.  Why would they pay money to consult with these professionals when absolutely no one would ever question it?

Here's why.  In any story we write, there's something called the suspension of disbelief.  That is the imaginary line in each person that once crossed destroys the story.  It is what let's us believe in a world of fantasy,horror, sci fi, etc.  Each time a false or unlikelihood event or piece of information gets noticed by anyone it instantly takes them out of your story.  The scariest thing is that it doesn't even have to be a conscious thought.  A subconscious thought is just as bad.

The story asks us to believe not only that this seed could end all plant life on Earth, and cause Queen bees to vanish, but somehow we are supposed to believe that trees survived.  Now if trees survived, what about apples and oranges that grow on trees?  

If trees died out too, then the story is moot because with absolutely no plant life at all, humans and every creature on this planet would starve to death (well choke actually) because there's no oxygen.  

So I try to be very careful when I don't research something and rely on my knowledge.  I think thatywhy I tend to write stuff that doesn't rely on factual science.

Dan - maybe I'm wrong but where do you see any trees in this script? There's plants growing in the facility, but I don't recall a mention of trees. And by the way, according to Bee Keeping For Dummies, hives with no queens have options and it's not a given that the hive is doomed, hence a queen does appear at the end of this.

Stephen King has a lot of people doing research for him, and he always notes that he takes certain liberties with the facts of the research, then bends them to suit the needs of the story. Just a matter of opinion here. If it didn't work for you that's cool. Apples and oranges. And thanks for schooling me on suspension of disbelief. Never heard of that one.

So I see that not many people read this one and its just two writers going back and forth which gives us an impression that this one got enough reads.

Anyway, I liked the idea and the script. Thought that the ending was undone, actually totally missed why the queen bee and what changes if he finds her. Also if its so important why he couldnt find it earlier - she did land on his arm at the end...

I wish you described Jack. Carl is described, not Jack and he's your main character.
Cool script, nice idea.

The first third felt pretty complicated. I may look at it again later but for now that whole gold, thermos, bee part, the X and all that… over-challenged me.

In the middle of the script you still have to push hard with dialogue to finish the world building and explain the dramatic situation.

Okay, bee science fiction here. The script as a whole felt a little unfocused to me. Some things about the technical side of Jack's task obviously went over my head. The script had a good vibe though. I also liked the characters and their interaction.

Logline - not sure I understand this, let's see...

Ok, interesting idea. Couldn't quite work out why Fort Knox? Because it's secure?

I liked the tension between them but there was a little too much backstory between them

The ending I found a bit of a let down but mans struggle to return nature is a nice theme

You saved this as the Monsanto Script. Be careful, their layers will be onto you!

This takes an age to get going. There's a lot of unnecessary action and clumsy dialogue at the beginning which made it a chore to get through.

It finally gets going and got me really interested on page 6. I was hooked then, started enjoying it. The flow was going nicely and I was intrigued as to what would happen next. On page 9 I scrolled down and nothing happened. I thought there was something wrong with my mouse or hand but then I realized, it was the end.

*SAD FACE*

Like Dan I'm not sure of the science I'm being asked to accept here. This does feel a bit like another story that has been altered quickly to fit the theme, but I think there's enough potential to develop this into a much better and larger story about genetically modified food gone badly wrong.

Not bad but not quite enough for me.

-Mark

Why empty the gold out of Ft. Knox? I'm sure he's not stealing it, right? Is it just to make room for his experiments?  Anyway, a minor thing, but each part of your story should have meaning to the reader - and maybe it does and I'm just dense. Anywho, very good writing on display - a skilled hand for sure. The one thing -- that ending. I'm glad he found the queen, but the ending just seemed abrupt, like the final shot of "The Sopranos."  Guessing others might feel the same. Great job otherwise.

Best,
Gary

Strong visuals with the bees and airlocks.  The dumping gold bars into the dust sets the scene.  Gold no longer has any value, bees however...  Only issue is I don’t know that I’d get the connection to Fort Knox if I was watching this on-screen.  Unless I missed something how would we know where we were?  I’m from the UK though, so...

I think you could pare back the dialogue between Jack and Carl following Jack’s return - not that it’s bad.

A unique take on the whole apocalypse - a ‘softer’ armageddon - one that doesn’t get explored enough.  Kudos for that.  I like it, but the ending felt too abrupt.

Plot wise I feel like I’m missing something.  We go from Jack finding a potential cure only to forget that angle (albeit reluctantly), moving on to what felt like another solution with finding the Queen.  Why would Carl be okay with one plan yet not the other - presumably he'd have to bring the Queen back inside?  Does Jack need the Queen for the former to work?  It’s like two goals competing for limited space.  I wonder if the ending would be sweeter if this were solely about Jack’s struggle to locate the Queen and less of the cleaning the worker bees bit.  Just my tuppence worth.  

Anyways, hope it’s one you come back to as the idea has a lot going for it.

That’s if monsanto don’t set the goons on you first...

Great idea, and reminded me of a polite version of Day of the Dead, which is good.

But, I didn't like the VO and zooming into Earth bit, I'd suggest looking for an alternative way to do that.

The rest of the writing was great, very visual and got a real sense of the place and the characters. I was really intrigued to where you were going with it and loved the little trick with the thermos - nice.

But then, well I'm not sure Queen bees and hives work like that and it seemed like you might have run out of steam/time...

So I think the end needs some work but one of my faves.

Where did the terminator seed come from? I'm not clear on the parent plant that apparently doesn't produce seeds. Or this company did gene splicing on millions of seeds?
If the plant doesn’t produce seeds, why would it produce pollen?
And this pollen can cross-pollinate with every single plant on earth?
There are trillions of bees but there is no queen bee? How is that possible?
A FADE OUT at the end would be nice.
The writing is fairly solid. Dialogue is long-winded in places.
I just can't buy the story.

Love a script about bees. Great concept here I think.

Good writing throughout.

I like the relationship you established between Carl and Jack. I like the conflict also. I do not think the world is completely understood though and I love this idea.

I like that he found a queen at the end but was he dead by the swarm at that point? I think I would be ok with the end if I understood the irony or some sort of twist happened. I mean I guess the character did reach his goal of finding the queen but it still lacks something.. maybe karma to the guy that kicked him out?? I dunno ... just needed something more.

Kudos for a bee script though! And great job IMO.

This was pretty solid for the most part, but definitely needs a tidy up.

The conflict between Jack and Carl was well handled, but I didn’t get why Carl would throw him out when he’d banged to solve the problem? And then we get on to the queen bee - why does he need one? It’s never explained.

I didn’t like the ending - far too abrupt, and we don’t know why he was looking for the queen in the first place, so there’s no real sense of irony or relief when he finally finds it.

Overall, this needs a little work but was an interesting and unique spin on the apocalypse theme.

4 - The shift from V.O. over quiet, slow world-building to high-energy dialogue and conflict is sort of jarring, here. It seems like a really weird place for these guys to get into this big fight -- if they're going to, it'd be good to have the sense that's something's just happened, something's out of the ordinary, to justify the instant high emotions, here.

6 - Yeah. The conflict is a good way to handle the exposition, but it also feels really childish in a post-apocalyptic scenario. I wonder if there's a different way to handle this.

8 - See, why not start with Jack getting caught and getting the "rest of your life" edict? Then you'd have a clearer reason for all the tension and a ticking clock from the start. You'd probably even be able to eliminate the V.O. if you start with Jack doing his tests at night -- maybe he's making video logs or whatever.

Coming to the end (?) I'm pretty sold on my above question -- why not start with the big moment? You draw out an interesting conflict between Jack and Carl, but it slowly builds to the moment of betrayal -- I say just start with it and work out the exposition afterward.

I admit that I'm a little hazy on how exactly everything is working in this world, but the simple story is that Jack needs to find a queen to get everyone out of the Fort and start reclaiming the earth. It's a cool premise and obviously a setup for some great visuals. What it's lacking -- and I"m not sure if this is finished? -- is any conclusion to the Carl/Jack conflict, and a clear connection between that conflict and the main quest. As I noted, it feels a little childish to quibble over some of this stuff when they're all in this together -- it'd be nice to see those lines drawn more clearly.

Definitely in major rewrite territory, but tons of cool material to work here. I'd look forward to a new draft.

I started filling out my vote sheet and realized I missed this one! I agree with maybe losing the whole V.O. segment to explain the background. It could easily be covered through some detailed show and tell? Didn't quite get why he was hauling out gold bars either.

Once understanding the premise, it reminded me of Bruce Dern in 'Silent Running'. WHAT!? You haven't seen it!? You better order that one tonight.

Overall, I liked it. It has great potential with a rev or two. Good work.

First mistake. There's no day/night in space.

Normally, you should avoid any explicit camera directions.

Quoted Text With the cart of gold, Jack stands in the middle of a large room.  Red lights flash.  An alarm BUZZES.  Two massive metal doors crack open.  Daylight pours in.  The alarm buzz mixes with the sound of buzzing from outside.

Too much for one paragraph! I'd break it up into two, three, even four paragraphs.

"rocket surgery"??? Intentional?

A sequel to Honeycomb Apocalypse?

I'd break up some of the paragraphs. Too much going on per paragraph. Let it breathe.

Honey? Gold? That explains the title, I guess.

Quoted Text scoots a few bees inside them[,] then corks them.

Seeing "them" and "then" back to back is a bit jarring/confusing.

Had to Google "thermos." Though it was like a thermostat or thermometer. It's a vacuum flask.

Should have capped the guards.


"Funny... you were Carl [...]" way too long -- ten lines! Break it up with action. Don't give your reader or actor a headache.

Okay, the next dialogue works well enough.

"[...] you’d also be dead.  You’d just be dead in here. " Pick and delete the other.

How can a smell punch somebody? Even as a figure of speech, it reads wrong.

Normally. all this dialogue would be too long, but most of it's good enough to keep in tact.

That's it? No Fade out? No The End?

"Ending" feels a bit rushed, maybe even unfinished. But at least he found the queen.

Overall, not bad. Great job.

Great writing kept the story moving along but the ending or lack of was a little puzzling.

So he found the Queen bee as he died or that was his ticket out?

Did you accidentally forget Fade out or did you post the wrong draft?

Nice tension between your two main characters also... good banter back and forth and obviously they have history.

Good job on entering

Interesting.

Very uneven I felt. let me explain. The premise of the "terminator seed" screwing up life on Earth is a strong one. As is the beginning shots of gold being thrown away seemingly. It's strong imagery, asks lots of questions, and reflects on current events with Monsanto of course being the parallel.

But then it gets confusing. I'm still not sure what the gold was used for or why Carl throws it away into a pile. The dialogue between Jack and Carl was painful at times. Waaaay too much exposition and back and forth that slogged the story down.

You write about doors opening and closing well. I mean it, with all the gasses pouring in and out, locks and everything. However there is too much "door porn" if we can call it that.

I like the ending where jack is thrown out to find a Queen but I'm still not sure why he needs to find one or what his experiments are trying to do or how they work. The bees got infected by the Terminator gene from the plant maybe?  But then why the hell are there so many damn bees outside? I mean there has to be multiple queens somewhere for all those bees to exist. And how are the bees keeping them alive? I liked the terminator seed but was disappointed to see the script shifted focus to 100% bees after the first page.

The main problem is stakes aren't clearly explained. Too much time time spent on doors and not on story. Though it's a miserable existence, the vault dwellers seem to be getting along fine as far as we know.

This is a good premise that I think got stuck in a 12 page limit.

For Honey or Gold - Apocalypse, Drama, Sci Fi, Drama-Fi - A scientist struggles against the overseer of the last remaining greenhouse on Earth, Fort Knox, after a biotech company destroys all vegetation on the planet.  

Rating: 2
Thoughts: Not bad.  Some thought has been put into this one.  Only reason it doesn't get higher is because Brian Vaughn wrote a famous spec about a similar premise.

TITLE: For Honey Or Gold

STORY

Concept is fresh/and or original - 4

Theme is well executed/interweaved - 3

Stakes are clear/conflict is strong and or compelling - 3

Story - 2

Ending - 3

CHARACTER/DIALOGUE

Protagonist(s) is (are) likable and/or compelling - 3

Dialogue reads naturally/believable within this story - 3

Dialogue reveals character -  3

READABILITY

Action text "shows" instead of "tells" - 3

Overall readability - 3

Total: 3.0

Quoted from SAC Was Jack dying as he made his final discovery?

Thanks for the read, Steven.

I appreciate your time and notes.  I'm glad you like it.

Jack was dying but he wasn't dead.  He was going to save the world...if I had more than 12 pages to do that with.

Jordan

Yeah, pretty good job. Liked the dialogue telling the backstory between the two mains. It said a lot. Funny, at my job today I came across a woman who's a bee keeper. All of her bees are dying and she's not sure why! Go figure. I asked her about the queen. If the queen had laid eggs and a new queen was born, well guess what, the hive survives...

I wanted to ask you how much research on the bees you really did?  I felt that the science wasn't exact.  Was I right?  I noticed a few others felt as I did...

Good job.
Dan

Hey, long time no see Jordan.

Yours was one of my favorites. And looks like a lot of people would agree with me.

Dan,

Thanks for the read and the notes.

Most of the science is sound.

I took a few liberties with the organization of the bee hives, treating the group of boxes as one giant hive that the queen traveled from box to box.  In my world the contamination altered the behavior of the bees.

As far as the Terminator seed:  Cross pollination is used to genetically modify plants now.  Granted you can't cross pollinate a rose with a pine tree, but this is mad science were talking here and I just took it one step further and allowed part of the DNA to cross.  The part that made the plants sterile.

Non-flowering plants such as ferns and moss usually rely on other flowering plants and trees for their habitat.  If you remove the trees then the ferns won't grow.

At this point in the story, the seed vaults, such as the Svalbard Global Seed Vault, have been used up.  It wasn't known what was causing the plants to go sterile until it was almost too late.  I wanted to address this but it wasn't critical at this point in the story.  Perhaps I was wrong and should have dedicated some lines to this.

The billions of people who want in are dead.  This is one of the few remaining bastions of human life on the planet.  There are others around the world, mostly in cold climates where the bees don't live, such as Iceland where they use geothermal power to run their greenhouses.

The trees didn't survive.  Apple and orange trees use blossoms to pollinate.  Pine trees use pollen that is carried by the wind.  The only plants that don't use pollen use spores, but like I said earlier, those plants rely on the other plants to create a habitat in which they can live.

Most of our oxygen is produced by phytoplankton in the oceans.  I read an article that said it may produce 50% to 85% of the oxygen in the world.  I went with 85%.

One hole in the plot that I didn't address:  What are the bees eating to stay alive now?
I was going to have Jack come out with some sugar water and have the bees swarm him, but I didn't.  I ran out of time to go back and put that in.  
That...and FADE OUT.  What am I a noob?  Gosh! <---(Please read in the voice of Napoleon Dynamite)

I hope this address your concerns with the story.  I'm grateful for your time reading and commenting on it.

Jordan

Quoted from khamanna Hey, long time no see Jordan. Yours was one of my favorites. And looks like a lot of people would agree with me.

Hi, Khamanna!

It's been a while.

I've been lurking here in the shadows, popping on now and then to throw in my two cents.
I haven't been all that active because I keep having kids.  I just had a baby boy on April 10th, and apparently he's unable to feed himself or change his own diaper.  When did that become a new thing?

Also my birthday was on the 14th, the day the OWC started, and I guess nobody got my memo about not entering so I could win as my birthday present.
I'll have to check with Don to make sure my message got posted because obviously nobody got it.

I'm glad you liked my story.  Thanks for the read and comments.  Much appreciated.

Jordan

Oh, wow, a baby! Congrats. ANd I remember you having one last year I think. Nice - more is better than less!
I get it about the birthday - see mine is on April 15th, so I was having the same thoughts. I thought it's a good omen - well, yeah, for Conz, not for me though.

Enjoy the babies!

Quoted from Dreamscale This is a good concept...

Quoted from Dreamscale Easily the best...

Quoted from Dreamscale ...a 3 star script...

Quoted from Dreamscale ...an interesting little Apocalyptic tale we haven't seen before.

Thanks, Jeff.  You're too kind.

The zooming in is cheesy and if I do it over again, I have a nice visual of how I'd do it.

Personally I hate V.O. but it was either that or SUPER.  I went with the lesser of two evils.

"About" 1000 bee hives.  A grid of 30 x 30 is 900 boxes.  I can believe that.  It's not impossible.

I agree with your other comments so I won't try to defend them.

Thanks for the read.  I always appreciate your input.

Jordan