Nero by Prodigy - Short, Apocalypse, Action, Adventure - A survivor and his AI companion navigate the dilapidated ruins of an abandoned city overrun by aggressive technology scavengers and disease.  13 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi writer,

Very ambitious… maybe too ambitious to understand what was actually was transpiring at times. We follow a man on his way to some transmission tower, seemingly on the look out for ‘A’ number 0ne… himself.

However, his conscience is interrupted when he realizes that a young girl is about to have a ‘Scalper’ train up on her, so… brownie points for having your Protag do a 180 degrees to risk his life to salvage hers. I like the Scalper concept you have envisioned for a future gone to hell; digitized pirates of some nature that came off a bit confusing but, creepy and surreal.

Nero could probably have his humor percentage dropped a bit IMO… quite a bit actually; most of their banter was too OTN and, frankly out of scope re: the dire situation. Overall, good job cramming an epic tale into 12 pages, you seem to have a penchant for non-stop action sequences. With respect to the overall story, I’m somewhat at a loss as to how the world somehow became derelict and overgrown with weeds… everywhere. Best of luck.

Someone likes them some Fallout 4. Me too.

I loved it. Great start to the OWC. This was funny, action packed, and had a complete story. Very well written and paced. Never once did it drag. you are very good at writing action scene. I could picture it all so well.

I laughed at the "Shrimp soda" gag. Funny scene.

I really enjoyed the dialog. Some great banter.

You actually surprised me with that ending.

Great job on this. I hope the rest are this good.

~Zack~

Hey writer,

Straight off, I ain't a sci-fi fan, but I've gotta give it to you, that script worked pretty well for me.

Positives. It's an active, relentless, action driven plot. Nero works well, he's kinda Jonny 5, strapped to your wrist, with a little bit more attitude. I was never bored, it's funny in parts but overall action packed carnage. Have you seen the last Mad Max recently? Smacked of that for some reason, that's a good thing.

Negatives. A good few typos in there, could have done with another scan or two. I understand where you were going with it, but I'm not sure the "form a line" dialogue is really required, a bit too much. Is this to do with an apocalypse? It could easily be argued it's mid apocalypse so I guess so.

Anyway, as above, the positives far outweigh the negatives so a bloody good job.

Cam

Yes, very Fallout. Not that there's anything wrong with that - although I'm a Tombraider fan myself.  

Not bad overall. I do admit to scanning some, and for I presume, one of the earlier entries, you deserve a rap over the knuckles for all the typos. That said, not a wow piece but I like the vibe.

One of the better loglines too. Title is obviously very Matrix, but it suits.

I sure hope this whole script isn't about "Man".  Why would you choose not to name your main character?

The 5 line passage on page 1 does not read well and we're once again off to a poor start.

And now the mistakes pop up...all over the place.

I'm getting a Fallout vibe, and I love Fallout, but not liking this at all.  Seems like you're going for some humor, but it ain't working, sorry to say.

So, looks like zero named characters?  How can I give a shit about anyone if no one even has a name?  Well, I don't.

Alice?  RE? Oh man...

Nothing new here, way too long for what it is, and just a chore to get through.

It's another 2, I'm afraid.

I don't think it was as bad as Jeff said, however, like someone told me, if you don't take the time to name your main protag, then why should we care?  

Lots of typos and other errors.  

I loved fallout, but, this felt a bit flat to me.  The lack of names really irked me.

Dan

Why did all the scalpers have wires coming out of them? Lost me with that.  The leader rubbing his arm and getting hard for a computer chip is out there.  Lots of random scenes with no where to go.

The shrimp scene was funny... I can relate to that.

As one writer to another, good job we just have different perspectives...

This one did it for me, never a dull moment and the ending is awesome.

I guess Nero is based on the pip-boy 3000? But this one has actual AI in it, which is very nice. Did the man activate Nero to send out some frequency to draw in the viral dogs at the end, it's not very clear but I could have easily missed it.

Good job.

The first one I've read that's set after an apocalypse in a lovely dystopian future.

The last script I wrote was set in such a future and was also about a guy travelling with his A.I. with a sense of humor (mine was in a toy robot) so I really identified with this and I enjoyed it a lot.

You give enough information about this world for me to use my imagination and to form an opinion as to what has happened, without having to spoon-feed it to me and use lots of exposition. I like that.

The aim of the quest (the relay tower) isn't really important. Just like Stephen King's Dark Tower it's all about the journey, the actions and who we meet along the way.

I think you should give man a name but apart from that I think this ticks all the boxes, was creative and a joy to read.

-Mark

Logline - a little too much going on in this one, but we get a flavour

Look, there's a lot going on in this one, and it could do with a real good polish, but I rather liked it.

It reminded me of a 70's film where in a apocalypse world, the hero could only go out during daylight to avoid being attacked by scavengers type things.

Nero was good, reminded me of the recent Star Wars film, but you just have to be a little careful with the use.

The man dying, in quite a sacrificial  way did feel a little off, but the handing over to another is fine.

For a weeks work this is a sound entry.

Seems like a strong sci-fi premise.

what is the harm in naming characters?  so many of these scripts feature MAN

Nero is a little too quippy already for me.  i like it, but there were 3 jokes in rapid succession, and that seems like overkill already at this point.

that Scalper Leader dialogue about being hard's gotta go.  that brought my read to a screeching halt.

Nero just turned into Bubba from Forrest Gump.  a nod?  funny scene, but maybe not important.  seeing Man get food is fine, but turning it into a comedy bit in the middle of this didn't break the tension so much as it shifted the tone for me.

ooof, that route sixty six line...

Not really getting a sense on just how powerful Nero is that he can affect everyone else's low-grade tech.

turn up for what?!  come on...

I guess the whole not naming the man thing was because he was expendable.   and i guess "Alice" was supposed to have a lot more impact  on me b/c of it, but i still don't think there was any harm in naming him.  We're with him the entire story.

The story is cool, it's familiar but the Nero angle takes it far enough away from the norm that it was worth it.

I appreciate the attempts at humor, but it still felt off tonally. there's definitely ways to blend humor into tense chase stories like this, but a lot of lines didn't land. I wanted Nero to be more subtle with his humor.  he had a few lines that just stuck out. i.e. his alarm talk, "shooty one" "Usain Bolt" (but i did like that he immediately gave a wiki passage bio on him) etc.  

it's weird, i like the tech you decided to go with, but this type of humor would sound considerably better coming from an android companion or something.  like an actual robot.  i didn't want that, this didn't need that, but the way Nero spoke was more suited for an actual character as opposed to a VO AI

pretty good effort though

Your title is not centered

Very imaginative so far and pretty cool to follow – then, on page 7, it almost seems you develop a feature script here. The Asian Store is a completely character and tone defining exposition scene that drives nothing forward at this point… ON PAGE 7. Don't get me wrong, I like watching him there and it's also skillful presented -- but in context of what I've seen till now and with only a few pages left to go, this humorous driven scene feels fully unbalanced.

Okaaay, the ending with the dogs hasn't been extremely to my liking. Whatever, the rest is great and with some money and specialists in the back, surely this script would make a great SF-action movie. Very good.

I'm not an Overwatch guy but I get the vibe you're going for here.  Pretty good world you've created here and it hummed along pretty well.  Nero is a pretty strong character -- liked him a lot.  Not sure I was totally on board with the ending, but hey, I think it's probably going to work for a majority  of the readers.

Strong effort here.

All the best,
Gary

Title doesn’t grab but I suspect it’ll make sense later.  Post-apocalyptic landscapes work for me - danger and uncertainty with an AI angle.  Do you need ‘dilapidated’ and ‘ruins’ in the log?

MAN
The world ran out of good ideas
years ago.

Nice line.

Why are five armed men running from a dog?  A big, rabid dog perhaps, but still…

Do you really need the Asian supermarket scene?  - Not that it’s bad.

Skinny Scalper is watching You Tube?  Not quite sure what we’re seeing here.

Storywise, this was entertaining enough at the outset; imaginative, if a little short on logic in places.  The antenna gives you a goal that I stuck around to see play out and the back and forth between The Man and Nero had its moments.  I dug the cyber punk world these characters inhabit and kind of understand how (a virus spread by dogs?) we’ve reached this apocalypse.  

The Scalpers taking the little girl raised the tension but unfortunately that’s where you started to lose me.  A little too much convenience for me to go along with.  The dogs suddenly turn up and only attack the Scalpers.  Then The Man just disappears - your main character, who I’ve been following for the past eleven pages just vanishes.  What am I missing here?  Was he a ghost or a hologram all along?  It’s got that final selfless sacrifice moment about it but it’s hard to know what to feel as the outcome was frustratingly vague.

Ten points for "shrimpy bits." The rest of the humour was hit and miss for me.

Reads like fan fic, but nothing wrong with that. I just wanted to know more about Man, starting with a name. The more we understand him, the better that end will be.

It'd be a fun ten post-apocalyptic minutes as it stands now. But it needs some character depth to put it over the top, in my opinion.

Fun read though, and smooth.

Writer,

Hey, I gave this six pages to try and get me, but I couldn't last. After that, I skimmed, read the end. This script is filled with a lot of unnecessary dialogue, and locations I can't quite picture, partly because I was taken out of the script by several spelling miscues and oddly phrased passages. It just didn't flow well, and that was the main reason I bailed, which I really try to never do. But based on the first six pages, I kinda knew what the next six would hold. Sorry, writer, decent effort for the time allowed, but this needs a lot of work.

Steve

I made it to the end and it was entertaining. Like others before me: Not sure why MAN didn't have a name; Why Nero had to have so many lame smart ass comebacks/remarks; Scalpers? Just buy a damned ticket and they'll go away! Scalpers could do with a bit of history maybe? I remember seeing the lead scalper pull out the shank but I must've missed him actually sticking MAN. Good stuff, maybe a revision or two to nail it.

A formatting niggle... you have MAN with dialogue before you introduce him in the text... I'd switch that round.

But the rest of it, nice, snappy and great pace, really rocketed along.

I not some people are comparing this to Fallout... no idea what that is but I could see this scripts produced as it's nice and visual and action packed.

Good job!

I got what the Man is up for only when they started talking about the girl. I simply insist you move that to the first pages. Otherwise I loose attention and in this case I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one.
It would have been a great short - very nice post-apocalyptic mood, Nero is a great character. The Man has pretty cool lines and great aim.
She says I'm Alice at the end and it feels like she means something by it. He saves all good, right? That's how I understood it.
If yes then a short is not enough. This could be developed into a feature. But you know that. Nice job, writer

I haven't really bene noticing these not-quite-centered titles, but this one ever-so-slightly skews to the right.

A comma issues ion the first page --

Quoted Text With hot[,] heavy breaths

Quoted Text No! Not that left! Your other left!

The Alt-Left? How left? Obama? Hillary? Bernie?

You misspelled Usain Whatshisname.

I just noticed (V.O) -- It should be (V.O.)

Watch out for those orphans; they can add up and inflate the page count.

Quoted Text The world ran out of good ideas years ago.

The world ran out of good ideas November 8, 2016.

"heavily teched[-]up brute" In fact, "teched" isn't even a real word, but TechEd is.

"Run[,] you mooks." A teacher of mine in high school used to call people "mooks" all the time. Mooks and "shmoes." (sp?)

"full[-]on sprint."

You seem to be having comma issues.

Top of P6 and not really sure what's going on. Writing overall isn't terrible, but certainly needs fixing up. Story isn't clear or engaging at this point. I'm gonna see how much more I can endure.

You never describe who/what Nero is. Is he a narrator?

You just now indicated that Nero is a watch.

Quoted Text Apparently, this used to be an Asian market.

That's what the slug says, so it must be true.

There hasn't been that much shrimp in one scene since Forrest Gump! Do you know Bubba?

Kilometers? British? Aussie?

"Shooty"??

Route Sixty-Six is a proper noun, and must be capitalized.

Quoted Text I’ve lost track of her location.

I've lost track of the plot.

Fire up that loud
Another round of shots
Fire up that loud
Another round of shots
Fire up that loud
Another round of shots, shots, shots...

Turn up for what!!

Alice?

If I hadn't been too far ahead, I would have bailed. Not my favorite. Writing somewhat good. Story confusing.

There’s this overwritten five lines of action at the very first. I started skimming about half way through it. And I missed the part that tells me that Nero is the computerized wristband.
Then I begin wondering if Nero is going to be V.O. through the entire script and when are we gonna see him? Darn, if I’d just read that entire paragraph I’d have known. Did figure it out a couple pages later.
I have to agree that naming the characters would be nice. Heck, the computerized wristband has a name but the main character doesn’t?
Still. This is a good piece. Solid writing. Flows nicely. Tension is good.
I would like to know where MAN went.

Love your logline. Just eh on your title. But intriguing logline for sure!

know would we ...should be now I think

incompelte (SP)

Instead of the SUPERS I would've loved to see Nero navigating him. It drives me crazy when my navigation keeps saying the same things or make a u turn etc.

cannibalized wristbands. What is that?

You take me out of the tension when I realize it's a new day! What? Man slept with all that going on?? Needs to move fast paced or at least once the story starts escalating, it needs to progressively escalate  IMO.

Ok I was really kinda liking this but what happened to the main character? Even though I'm happy that the girl has Nero now... I do not understand where the main character went... or why the Nero began charging on the girl's wrist. I really do like the simplicity though of a man and his device being all that is left on the earth. The dogs... and the scalpers... neither were really focused enough ..what they were doing.. why the guys were after the chip so much? I have a lot of questions but I love the concept of this story.

Good job writer.

The Bad:

Lot of spelling errors and descriptions need work.

Starting with the very first block:

With hot heavy breaths that pierce the cold night like
daggers, a MAN (41) runs hard through the abandoned city.
His dirty face illuminated by a projected hologram screen of
a night vision in front of his view eminated by NERO, his
computerized wristband that he raises on his right arm.

So there's a physical holographic screen floating in front of his face that's displaying a night vision view of the surroundings? He's got his arm up as he runs and is sort of casting this thing in front of him so he can see in the dark? I think that's the image you're going for. Not sure. Gotta make this more clear.

I'd give all the descriptions another good pass. I think you can tweak and clean up a lot of it.


The Good:

Pretty much everything else. Good story, pace, tension, and banter/dynamic between Nero and Man. They have that natural camaraderie where you can tell they've been through thick and thin together.

I especially liked this line although I couldn't tell you why exactly:

MAN
The world ran out of good ideas
years ago.

And, I think, although I'm not positive, that Nero is draining Man's life essence? Cuz he says that line about them needing each other, and when the girl puts on Nero it starts automatically recharging. If that's the case, that adds a whole other level to this whole thing.


Only other little nitpick I had is with some unnecessary dialogue. I'll point out a few. Just my opinion, but these lines don't add anything and/or are redundant with the action so I'd cut them:

pg. 3 --

MAN
So close, yet so far. Can we jump?

**Just show Man gauging the jump. If we can tell he's thinking it, Nero can tell, and he can just go into his next line without man specifically asking if he can jump.

pg. 6 --

NERO (V.O)
Apparently, this used to be an
Asian market.

**It's really obvious they're in an abandoned Asian market once they walk into it. No real need to state that.

pg. 7 --

MAN
Scalpers. Christ! What's a girl
that young even doing around here?

**This is more debatable, I guess. Just don't think he'd bring this up. It never gets answered anyways so I don't see the point. You can just show Man turning back, which you already show, and then Nero goes into "Uh, the relay tower is the other way".

Overall, very nice. Kept me interested all the way through which is the important part.

Nero - Apocalypse, Action, Adventure - A survivor and his AI companion navigate the dilapidated ruins of an abandoned city overrun by aggressive technology scavengers and disease.

Rating: 1
Thoughts: Needs more specificity and conflict.  I'm imagining two people walking and talking about stuff, which doesn't sound interesting. 


TITLE: Nero

STORY

Concept is fresh/and or original - 4

Theme is well executed/interweaved - 3

Stakes are clear/conflict is strong and or compelling - 3

Story - 2

Ending - 3

CHARACTER/DIALOGUE

Protagonist(s) is (are) likable and/or compelling - 2

Dialogue reads naturally/believable within this story - 2

Dialogue reveals character -  2

READABILITY

Action text "shows" instead of "tells" - 3

Overall readability - 3

Total: 2.7

Thanks again for all the great feedback. It's much appreciated.

As always, I apologize for the typos. I submitted about an hour before deadline and spent about two evenings on this so it could have used an extra bit of spit and polish.

I wasn't going to enter the contest because of time constraints unless I had a really sweet idea. When I think of apocalypse my mind goes to a world already destroyed. But so much of that is generic or played out that I didn't want to rehash anything that's been done.

I thought about what an apocalypse today would look like if humanity was wiped out. People would be gone, but a lot of our technology and infrastructure might remain. Robots, AI, the internet. That's where the idea for Nero came from. An advanced AI still connected to the internet in a world that's seen humanity wiped out. Basically, all the combined knowledge of humanity in a bracelet without humans. The catch is, Nero is like an Eco-Watch in that his power comes from a person's bio electric field. He needs a wearer to stay alive and in turn his owner needs him to survive the weedy wasteland I created.

That's the jist and the way I wrote it, Nero was supposed to be the main character. Kinda like a mix of Cortana (Halo) and K-2SO (Rogue One) with a smart phone. This is also why the Man was never named, I didn't want the audience to associate with him too much but this seems to have irked a lot of readers. I may or may not change that if I rewrite and submit. When the script ends we have Nero in Alice's possession and now it's up to the two of them to survive and endure this world as Nero guides her to the Tower. And yes, the Man dies. Was surprised to see so many people ask about him.

The scalpers are a but generic but were supposed to be Mad Max style raiders who hunger for tech instead of fuel.

In this world humanity was wiped out by a pandemic virus called K9V that is like bird flu that moved to dogs. That's why the dogs scare everybody but with a 12 page limit it was hard to fit that in clearly.

The Tower is just a MacGuffin and has no real purpose which I'm glad a lot of readers seemed to pick up on. Maybe Nero needs to connect to it to access satellites above or some encrypted database. I dunno.

I'm really proud of this as I think it turned out well, and glad so many readers had great things to say. It was fun to build the world and try and do a unique spin on the apocalypse. Thanks again for all the reads!

I do like this one, one of my favs for sure. I'm glad you enjoyed creating this dystopian future and would encourage you to develop it more. Well done!

-Mark

Me too. I didn't have too many VG's and Excellents and this was one of them. I did have questions, but I liked it a lot still.