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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April 2017 OWC  ›  Honeycomb Apocalypse - OWC Moderators: Grandma Bear
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  Author    Honeycomb Apocalypse - OWC  (currently 2455 views)
Reef Dreamer
Posted: April 28th, 2017, 7:52am Report to Moderator
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Alas, lost wifi whilst writing - travelling at mo

I liked the concept just not the delivery. I didn't feel invested in anybody and story wise it was unclear. Nice idea though


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Talldave
Posted: April 29th, 2017, 6:52am Report to Moderator
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"You weren't cooking with that, were you?" I was sure this was going to segue into Attack of the Killer Tomatos 2.

Is this a spoof of Attack on Titan?

Oh lord, a Wilhiem scream, how perfect!

I thought this was a lot of fun to read. Sharknado fans would die for this. I think you have a clear idea of who your audience is, you made it funny, and you made it work. It's not perfect, but I enjoyed it. Good work.

Dave F
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SAC
Posted: April 29th, 2017, 11:01pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Writer,

The first three pages seems like your set up. For what, I have no idea. Clara turns into Clare at one point. Seems rushed. Fudge bunnies? So, so many characters here and the only thing I can think to ask is: Why's Amy covering up her cleavage?? I take it back. It doesn't seem rushed. It seems purposely written this way. Good for a laugh, but I have no clue what I just read.

Steve


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Wes
Posted: May 1st, 2017, 2:13pm Report to Moderator
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I don’t think you need to bother with trying to give us the size of the meteor while it’s in space. Just let us know the size when it hits the bee hive.
Why are yellowjackets affected?
What's the deal with the jar marked PEPPERMINT? It's not playing for me.
Aaron just carries a 15 foot yellowjacket around? Okay.
Had to go google “bangstick”.
This is pretty funny.
Enjoyed it


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khamanna
Posted: May 1st, 2017, 2:54pm Report to Moderator
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Hi,

I kept wondering if you need this many characters. You keep introducing and introducing. The old characters don't reappear etc. Make me think they were not needed in the first place.

If we replace bees with zombies. They are fighting zombies. Here they are fighting bees and working on survival. I want more of a story though. But for some this is enough, I just want more of a drama.
It was still a good story.
And maybe I missed something. I kind of got frustrated with the amount of characters and found myself skimming now and then.
Maybe I shouldn't be commenting if I wasn't attentive to your story. I chose to comment, sorry. Agani, it's good. And I liked the dialog in this by the way.
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Pale Yellow
Posted: May 2nd, 2017, 1:38pm Report to Moderator
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wow ... another bee script. And yellow jackets! Ack. And they are killer huge. Super ack.

This feels more like a game than a script...

I do not really root for any of the characters even though it's a fun ride through the story. Tons of action scenes made it a cool read.

Good job.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: May 3rd, 2017, 3:21am Report to Moderator
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P4 I don't get the tone here, might be some kind of a light comedy perhaps…

Okay, a comedy for sure imo.

P5 a second group of characters, hmm, I already found the first group not properly introduced

P7 So, I summarize at this point that a community, held captive in a kind of beehive-office building, calls a party boat for help.

This is really absurd material, writer. There was a slight Ghostbusters-atmosphere, which I liked. The script is a "little bit" over the top for me. I would have liked a more direct way of storyline. It seems Clara went through a kind of recruiting process and became Captain of a ship. You spend too much time with that. Why not start on the party-boat and focus on a clear characterization and introduction, connected to the plot, which explains clearly: Our group is a special unit from Alaska that sails southward to free San Diego people who suffer from the bee apocalypse ---- "while entertaining us" same time.

The way you've chosen instead, to me, is a very complicated way of execution with f.i. giving so much dialogue and exposition to the office folks and showing their side. The script could be much more fun if this enjoyable, absurd world would be direct and touchable through the characters. So, I'd suggest we stay with the exterminator group all the time. As it is, the story does not flow well, same as my review here I believe . Nonetheless, there were some entertaining images, also points for craziness and taking risks.



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Grandma Bear
Posted: May 6th, 2017, 7:55am Report to Moderator
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Honeycomb Apocalypse - Apocalypse, Sci Fi, Fantasy - In a nation overrun with giant mutated bees and wasps, it's up to team of young exterminators to rescue survivors and get some action on the side.

Rating: 3
Thoughts: Yeah!  Now we're talking.  A little outside-the-box.  I love ideas that I've never heard anything like before.  This is definitely that.


TITLE: Honeycomb Apocalypse

STORY

Concept is fresh/and or original - 5

Theme is well executed/interweaved - 4

Stakes are clear/conflict is strong and or compelling - 3

Story - 2

Ending - 2

CHARACTER/DIALOGUE

Protagonist(s) is (are) likable and/or compelling - 3

Dialogue reads naturally/believable within this story - 3

Dialogue reveals character -  3

READABILITY

Action text "shows" instead of "tells" - 4

Overall readability - 4

Total: 3.3


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