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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April 2017 OWC  ›  Winter Bunkerland - OWC Moderators: Grandma Bear
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  Author    Winter Bunkerland - OWC  (currently 2050 views)
Don
Posted: April 21st, 2017, 11:36pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Winter Bunkerland by Anonymous 14 - Short, Apocalypse, Dystopian, Drama - In a confined underground shelter, two children celebrate Christmas among an isolated community that represents the entire humankind. 6 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Cameron
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 2:38am Report to Moderator
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Hey writer,

Short and very sweet. I liked it.

You chose a simple premise and decided not to drag it out, which was a great idea. The writing overall is pretty good, and I could visualise the bunker and all of its residents clearly. There's a couple of little bits of dialogue that should be tidied up, but they don't pull the whole thing down so they aren't of any real concern to myself.

Well done

Cam
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Dreamscale
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 3:06am Report to Moderator
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Well...I read it all.

Not much to say, sorry to say, but there's very little here...in terms of story, characters, anything remotely entertaining or interesting.  I don't want to be mean, but this is just very, very blah, and I wan t to thank you for ending this on page 5.

Of 5 scripts, this is the best, but in terms of a grade, it's the first one I'll actually grade, and sadly, it's a 2 out of 5, because it's better than the minimum score of 1 for entering.

Needs alot of work in all regards, most notably story and characters.
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khamanna
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 3:51am Report to Moderator
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It's simple but I liked it for its simplicity and no complicated twists and such.
Post-apocalypse, real family, real life, real Christmas.
A sweet little script.
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Pale Yellow
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 7:15am Report to Moderator
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Not loving the title or logline. I'm a title type of reader I guess... it really matters I mean it's the first thing your eyes see (maybe that's way).

I do love the page count. For me.. and most shorts I have watched in festivals..they all run 5-8 minutes(most do) so this is my liking for a short script pagewise.


Mrs. President (like this)

Well it's short a sweet. I"m a bit confused at the end. Did the parents send the kids in the present room to die? I'm slow maybe this morning. Anyway a bit of confusion or you could play up the END is here stuff more to make the parents decision more gut wrenching maybe.

Overall good job.
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Zack
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 6:25pm Report to Moderator
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Well, I'm happy that this one had an upbeat ending. Unfortunately that's about the only thing going for it. There really isn't much of a story.

The writing was good enough, but it did kind of drag for a 5 pager.

The dialog was incredibly clunky and wasn't natural at all. Really took me out of the story.

Good job on entering though.

~Zack~
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Gum
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 8:12pm Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,

Great visuals/descriptions to portray the machinations of a human underworld. I liked it but, I think those fluorescent decals would be more friendly than using aerosols in a bunker. That being, I could spray paint something in just my garage and have those fumes linger for a week.

The tale itself is short but, not short on meaning. People doing whatever they can to ensure the propagation of the Christ and human morals/ethics remain for all generations, even when faced with the most dire of situations. A good, wholesome story caught in just a few pages, works well for what it is. Best of luck.
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Conz
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 8:20pm Report to Moderator
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I like basing an apocalyptic story on Christmas... not sure I love the title.

harmless little script.  dialogue could use a pass or 2.

I really thought the kids were being put into some kind of death chamber... which, and man is this morbid, would have been so much better.  talk about your all time bleek endings... but it would have really been memorable.

either way, this is fine i guess.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: April 23rd, 2017, 3:54pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, short pages!

Logline - doesn't do much, I feel I've read a lot of end of world bunker stories

Let's see

Tricky opening to pull off, which doesn't quite happen - needs a bit of time

Had potential, but didn't leave an impression...except the conflict of kids at Xmas in that world is sound.

I can't quite put my finger on this but it has REAL potential just needs to catch us unaware - it needs an end that startles

The more I ponder, the more this is fine work






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MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 24th, 2017, 8:27am Report to Moderator
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An elaborate opening shot and elaborate prose like descriptions but very little story or character development.

The dialogue is there simply to tell us the human race is done for, not sure why but we are, and now we just have to choose how to go quietly into the night. This suggests the children and everyone else is going to be euthanized - Merry Christmas everybody! And that's it really, there's nothing more to it.

Some great imagery in this script but not enough meat on the bones (story) for my tastes. With more to chew on (why am I obsessed with food references?) this may have a lot more potential.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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stevemiles
Posted: April 24th, 2017, 5:37pm Report to Moderator
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Title suggests a comedy or at least a lighthearted tone.  Can’t say the logline does much to hook me in.  Mildly interested to see what this world comprises though - I’m getting a Xmas tear jerker vibe...  The ‘entirety’ of humankind might be a better way of putting it should you take this further…

Not a great opening.  I’m having trouble visualizing a ‘flat earth crust’.  More so with a storm pushing ‘dark particles along’.  Is this a particular kind of storm?  

I like how you introduce us into this bunker world through the chimney but there could be a cleaner way to go about the preceding description.

For a moment there I was worried for the kids, thinking you were going fully dark with this, so it works on that level.  Glad to see you didn’t go that route - would've been the worst present room ever…  Overall I kind of liked it.  Ending was a surprise - the simple things bringing unexpected pleasure.  I almost wanted to spend a little more time getting to see a bit more of this world.

The conversation between Miranda and Erica seems oddly formal considering there’s only a handful of them left - feels like that would’ve been done away with long before.  Otherwise a decent premise, maybe one to come back to.


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Gary in Houston
Posted: April 24th, 2017, 9:51pm Report to Moderator
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And I always thought the way you spelled it was H-E-L-E-N.  Shows what I know.

It was both a fun and touching little story (and short! so bonus points) once I got past the first page. For some reason the description of the place didn't resonate with me. I'm also curious what happened to send them down there in the bunker.

I did like the ending and it was interesting to think of them as being stuck in a cave like the cavemen of old, with carvings of what life was like outside.  So some good symbolism there.

Overall a nice effort here.

Best,
Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
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Michael
Posted: April 24th, 2017, 10:22pm Report to Moderator
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Hi to all, it's great to be here.

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Nice story, had me going I thought the kids were going to be snuffed out by gas, but Not..lol..good one
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DanC
Posted: April 25th, 2017, 1:34am Report to Moderator
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I thought it was okay.  It was a simple story.  

It's true that kids don't know better.  And they are easy to keep at bay...

For some reason, I got a fallout 3 vibe.  I could see the Overseer doing something like this to keep the kiddies at bay...

It felt like a snippet of life, rather than a total story...

Not bad.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
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CameronD
Posted: April 25th, 2017, 3:14pm Report to Moderator
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Opening above the FLAT EARTH'S CRUST is a strange way of saying we open looking down on the earth.

The camera flies down the chimney??? Just making sure.

Their only source of drinkable water just gets wasted into a drain?

Well that was short. And strange.

No conflict. Not much of a plot. The Christmas present is touching but is not strong enough for an entire short story. Why bother with a president and general if humanity has been reduced to just 6 people? But still they talk of one day restoring humanity?

Very very weird.


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