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Went well till the Bunny Man showed up. Well written aside from some overwriting here and there. All those carrots might push the budget up a tad. Of course, carrots are not that expensive. I prefer mine roasted.
So they are in the other world and doing the elevator game. I thought the twist - them being in the other world is really good and you can do a lot with it. I didn't get why they were doing it though. And why the bunny man... The comedy at the end seems like you switched genres as there was no comedy at the beginning of it. Game - sounds intriquing and the twist too - I think you could think it through some more.
Good tensioners. Looks like you were after an offbeat ending but couldn't quite make it consistent with the desperate tone that was set. Give it some more thought.
Twisted little tale. Like the idea of a secret combination to the elevator buttons. Decent enough build-up and the reveal (and sudden reversal in tone) of the Bunny Man was not at all what I was expecting.
One niggle would be to include a new slug for the change in location on p.5 -- moving outside the elevator.
A short and smooth read. Though I liked the horror vibe you were building on, would've been interesting to see where that could've taken you.
Steve
My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:
I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good. I enjoy writing the same. Looking to team with anyone!
I looked at this 'Dangerous Elevator Games' and pondered writing a script around it too, but didn't think it had anywhere to go. It appears you thought the same and intro'd The Bunnyman - which is about where I, no offense, tuned out. Is the author who I think it is? Just have to wait and see.
Re the writing, I would have liked more atmosphere/description of the actual elevator and the character inside it. The writing distanced me and I had no real sense of the visuals with regard to what you were depicting i.e., her in the elevator car. Some clumsy formatting here and there too. Still, this is a 'light' entry imh and in the scheme of things not really a 'mug' contender but you definitely had some fun with it. A quick read, despite my gripes. Put a bit more effort in next time.
The writer seems to have a bit of trouble with the space bar, in that they could have used it a bit more in spots. Maybe they broke one years ago.
I got a bit tired reading 'on phone' in brackets. (V.O.) would have helped instead.
I wasn't buying it. There's some interesting ideas, but the dialogue needs polishing up, as do the descriptions. The end would need a bit of work as well.
Perhaps I may be being over harsh. If so, my apologies.
It would be cheap to film and you managed to keep it in or around a lift, which is more than can be said for quite a few others.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
SPOILERS Great girls. I love that Sadie sniffs to clear her head when her courage almost fails. And I love the ending. The story will engage the audience, many will try to remember the sequence of elevator numbers pushed... and Sadie joins the ranks of folk hero. Great girl.