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Grisly, graphic, and over budget. Not much character development aside from the surface traits of blood lust and carnal thrill. Perchta is too much like a deus ex machine for my taste.
Interesting sexual horror piece set up like a Twilight Zone or Tales from the Crypt kind of show. A few mistakes like the "an an" on page 2 and a lot of (IMO) unnecessary setup at the beginning. There were also multiple times you told us something in the action line, then said it in the dialogue. Take it out of the action line or dialogue and it will read much better.
Budget is modest with some special effects makeup work but not too bad. Good luck.
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Alas it didn't do it for me. Actually I found it a tad dull.
I'm not one for whether this fits the criteria, but it's fair to say it's light on the liift and heavy on tthe torture room' warehouse etc
The weakness part for me is the lack of depth, and reader connection. Do I care whether Amber dies, do I care if Rick dies, or is in bondage for a thousand years...no. I have no reason to be so.
Others will probably find this better, I'm not into this kind of script.
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He laughs the
entire time, until she fades from view.
I'm out with this line. This is deliberately bad... it has to be. I was laughing all the way till here but this is just too much... now you're playing with me.
Damnit...I really hate bagging out so early, whether or not anyone realizes.
I'm sorry, but I have to be honest. Absolutely nothing is working here early on. Nothing seems remotely real or believable. The writing itself also isn't working and is probably the reason everything seems so "off".
Dialogue is the what terminally buries this, though. Doesn't work even remotely.
I'm sorry...I really am. I don't mean to be harsh, but for me this is a complete misfire out of the gate, and although I stayed around until the middle of page 2, I knew I should leave about a 3rd of the way down page 1.
p5 She does this. She does that. She feels a blade enter her back (ah! but do I see it?) She spins... She Drops...
Then after she dies she is revealed to be "PERCHTA" the 'hunt goddess' and then after those first few pages of sadistic glee, the tables are turned and she dishes out the sadism. She more or less switches the twirling mustache with Rick. Perchta is an odd choice, because her actions don't exactly correspond with the mythology. Not even close. In any case, I wasn't a fan of the Invisible Man / horror host bookends. There wasn't a bit of irony in it nor a punchline of coffin humor.
Y'know what would have been nuts? If you let Amber either fight off Rick and/or outwit him without the Perchta angle or, if you're going to go supernatural and have a vengeful spirit/spirits or pagan god take revenge have them resurrect that body count.
As you might suspect, this did very little for me. And what is more sad is that, yes, you had the chops to be really effective. Instead you settle for cheese. Blood for the sake of blood isn't always make good horror.
I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good. I enjoy writing the same. Looking to team with anyone!
If you are going to start with a Crypt Keeper style introduction you need to make it snappy, entertaining dialogue; even bad puns are better than this!
The crazy guy hunting a victim in a death trap location is a tired, over-used mechanism. The twist is different, I’ll give you that, but it’s so out of left field the baseball goes around the globe.
This story is not centred in or around an elevator.
The dialogue was very on the nose, most of it was there to tell the audience stuff and didn’t sound like real conversation. The gore and shock value didn’t work because I didn’t care about Rick or Amber/Perchta.
Sorry this didn’t work at all for me but you completed the OWC and entered. It is all part of the learning process and my comments are simply my opinion, take them as you will!
-Mark
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the opening V.O. didn't work for me. I would rather get right into it. No setup for Amber coming back to life. Need a hint that he has chosen the wrong woman. After that, it's just one torture after another with no real logic to it. He gets his just reward, and she gets a plaything she'll tire of in an hour. Sorry, but it just doesn't work for me.
the opening V.O. didn't work for me. I would rather get right into it. No setup for Amber coming back to life. Need a hint that he has chosen the wrong woman. After that, it's just one torture after another with no real logic to it. He gets his just reward, and she gets a plaything she'll tire of in an hour. Sorry, but it just doesn't work for me.
Best Richard
I think that's a valid comment. The VO doesn't work. It isn't funny, it doesn't do much. The only thing it does is tell us that he's done this before, but, even that is shown later on, so, why was the VO there?
I do think there is a reason with the torture. it isn't torture for the sake of gore and torture porn.
He lied. She noticed. She hated how he defiled the hunt. If anything, this is a story about not lying and being something that you aren't.
I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good. I enjoy writing the same. Looking to team with anyone!
Just curious if this is somehow influenced by Donald Marshall and his conspiracy about the ‘Clone Dome’ used for the elite’s disgusting bouts of debauchery.
“I have money.” Lol, I like how nonchalantly slips that in.
“Ricky, Ricky, Ricky, we are going to have such fun.” Now we’re talkin’.
“She picks up a thumbtack and shoves it into his armpit.” I hate when that happens.
“Sadly, Rick passes out” No, no, that’s a good thing. Then he doesn’t have to contend with the pain.
“She stalks him in cat-like fashion.” Here… kitty, kitty.
“Oh, look a cheese grater.” (gasp!)
Strangely invigorating, and serendipitously full of gore… a gratuitous 6 out of 10 buckets of blood!