Quoted from ChrisBodily Sorry, time constraints last night. I read this more thoroughly, and I'm still not sure what to make of it. I love horror. I love anthology horror. Not really interested in torture porn. I love slashers. I love suspense. There was some decent writing here for what I assume to be a first or second draft (third is pushing it). First off, is it "forth" or "fourth" edition? Amusing pen name, by the way.   There were a few repeated words in action lines. You didn't capitalize AMBER. This is personal preference, but for Amber's first line after the reveal, I would change it to: Code                   AMBER/PERCHTA             Real hunters don’t need weapons,             nor do they need to cheat. Before changing it to PERCHTA from then on. Less confusing... ish. Still don't get what that was all about, though. It was interesting enough, and maybe with a third draft (or more), it could really shine. I'll give it a solid B.

Hi Chris,
     Thanks for reading this.  I appreciate it.  I know I made some serious errors in it.  It is truly amazing how you can read something like 5X and still screw up.  Just crazy.

The story, which I failed at, was supposed to be a tale about a serial killer bragging about his hunting prowess.  He gains the attention of the goddess of the hunt, and curious, she comes here to see what he has, however, she's less then impressed, to say the least.

She had to let herself get "ravished" by him in order to see what he has to offer.  But, he cheated and was so irked at him that she wanted to teach him a lesson in what he had done to others.  

Like I said, I failed.  Big time.  I could have taken the easy way out and just made Amber kick his azz, but, wanted the "higher" concept and didn't make good on my promise.

It was written in the tales from the crypt vein.  Without the trademark humor, not a wise choice.

A thing no one picked up was the extra creeks were supposed to be from the invisible man walking around and taking notes about this exchange.  But, I failed at that too.

I did get one private email about where I can take this idea, and it was awesome, make it about all forms of hunting, not just serial killers, and that does make it really interesting.  

Thanks for reading.  Let me know if you need anything read.  thanks for the kind grade too.

Dan

Code NARRATOR (V.0.) Welcome to Tales of Horror, I’m your host, the Invisible Man. Many years watching all the atrocities humans do to each other has led me to chronicle everything. (beat) Our story centers on Rick, who claims to love the thrill of hunt. Sadly, his obsession with the sexual highs of conquest have led him to terrible extremes. This is his latest thrill.

I hate blatant exposition like this... it took me out of your story right away. Not that there isn't plenty of this shit on the TV or in the film industry, mostly by directors writing their own shoddy scripts. I just can't stand it. It's ugly. It's cheating. It's unprofessional.

Code Welcome to Tales of Horror, I’m your host, the Invisible Man.

I read horror, but this line took me to comedy. Also comes across as a weak rip off of tales from the crypt. To do this right would have taken showing the Invisible Man (obviously in his trademark bandages) in the very least.

Code A door opens as RICK GOODWIN (20s), white, fit as an ox, really good looking with blonde hair, blue eyes, in army fatigues, steps through the door.

In the above you're trying way too hard with the description. Is it important that he is white? Does race play a part in this film? If it doesn't then race shouldn't need mentioning. Also you use 'door' twice in the same sentence. Huge no-no. People may say there are no rules, but if you want to write well then you should learn that there are in fact some rules. One of them being repeating words within the same sentence. Certain words are OK, like the, is, a, as, and... but generally speaking avoid using the same word twice. Does he need to step through the door? Maybe the door slams behind him after he walks in. Play with your sentences, flip them around, always look for ways they can be improved.

Code On one shoulder, he carries a sack, while singing "Love, Reign O’er Me" by the Who. His British accent matches Daltrey’s spot on. He closes the door.

Here was where you really started to lose me and I thought I was reading one of Jeff's pissers. Especially the accent thing. It's just so unnecessary. Another thing I've noted already in this script is a mixture of US and UK spellings... we spell centre with the re... in US you do center. Here in UK we do blonde, you do blond.

Code A door opens as RICK GOODWIN (20s), white, fit as an ox, really good looking with blonde hair, blue eyes, in army fatigues, steps through the door. On one shoulder, he carries a sack, while singing "Love, Reign O’er Me" by the Who. His British accent matches Daltrey’s spot on. He closes the door.

The above two action blocks are really one action block stretched out. I'll rewrite just using the information you've placed in the blocks:

With a (large?) sack over his shoulder, RICK GOODWIN (20s), fit as
an ox, dressed in army fatigues, whistles Reign O'er Me by The Who
as the door swings closed behind him.

Code The warehouse’s walls are barely lit as the door opens. Once the door closes, you can barely see two feet around you.

Again, too much information. Perhaps this too could be condensed and even included in the first action block?

With a (large?) sack over his shoulder, RICK GOODWIN (20s), fit as
an ox, dressed in army fatigues, whistles Reign O'er Me by The Who
as the door swings closed behind him and the light fades to a dull glow.

Overwriting will kill your readers every time.

Code He walks past an old freight elevator to the other end of the huge warehouse. He swings the sack from his shoulder and gently rests it on the floor, releasing a beautiful woman (20s), thin, dark hair, brown eyes, pale skin, in a tank top and short shorts.

One of those rules things again. 5 lines of action. I'm not sure if 5 lines is ever warranted, but perhaps on the odd occasion it will be. Here it isn't and is just more overwriting. We should already know this is a huge warehouse. No need to repeat information. If the reader misses it, that's on them. How many times will people turn to you and ask what's going on in a movie even though they've watched every scene just like you have? It pisses me off. Anyway, this is also why you should mention the size of the sack in the beginning. Maybe even come right out and describe it as having a wriggling body in it.

Code He bends down, reaches into his pocket and pulls out a package of smelling salts. He breaks it near her nose, causing her to regain consciousness almost instantly. She gasps for air. Here lies Amber.

He bends down... or he bends... down isn't necessary. Could he bend up? Maybe sideways? I suppose if he bent sideways it would be ok to be specific. Generally, one bends down. Also, why the smelling salts? Seems a little camp under the circumstances. Why not a good old fashioned slap across the face? Or perhaps something inventive. This is torture porn after all.

Code RICK Hello hottie. What’s your name? Hottie’s so informal.

This dialogue I also found bad. Far scarier to not have say anything. Why would he care what her name was. It could be anything he wanted it to be. Maybe something hateful toward women, show his character. Maybe she's Slut.

Anyway, I hope my comments don't sting as they are meant to help. I'll try and read some more tomorrow.

Ok starting out not sure I love the narrator and the type of story this is going to be. Just taste maybe...

RICK GOODWIN (20s), white, fit as an ox,
really good looking with blonde hair, blue eyes, in army
fatigues, steps through the door.
**To me this is way overdone for a description. Maybe I like asides. I'd rather know more about this character than all of his attributes and if it's going to be filmed...this stuff never pans out anyway. Just my opinion...

A lot of this seems to take place out of an elevator.

Ugh thumb biting reminds me of finger eating (Cowboy Sam)

So he picks the wrong girl and she does him in. This was 'ok' for me. I got tired reading this many pages of it and think it could be trimmed way back. The dialogue seemed a bit talky and I found myself wanting to scroll through it faster just to get through it. Good job completing an OWC.

Hi Dan

as promised a few thoughts for you. Sorry if these are repeated but i haven't read other feedback.

Ill just try and say what i think. others may disagree. as you continue you'll find, if I'm not mistaken, that you start to formulate your own approach using what you like, discarding the rest. I have.

Title - doesn't always mean much. This was fine but perhaps a little long for me.

                    NARRATOR (V.0.)
          Welcome to Tales of Horror, I’m
          your host, the Invisible Man.  Many
          years watching all the atrocities
          humans do to each other has led me
          to chronicle everything.
               (beat)
          Our story centers on Rick, who
          claims to love the thrill of hunt.
          Sadly, his obsession with the
          sexual highs of conquest have led
          him to terrible extremes.  This is
          his latest thrill.

As a rule try to avoid sounds before the fade in. you can, and many do. but try to do this for good reason - essential actually - that otherwise isn't possible elsewhere.

here we have a way too long narration. IF you really need this why not over a scene, an image etc that reinforces the message. Here we hear about horror...cliched as it is...why not open with the camera tracking a trickle of blood. double the whamy.

you then have a beat, in a narration, over black - well i say over black because i don't know what its over. we have faded in on to nothing before he speaks. anyway, so we have nothing to see, and in the middle of his speech, he stops, then starts again.

'A door opens as RICK GOODWIN (20s), white, fit as an ox,
really good looking with blonde hair, blue eyes, in army
fatigues, steps through the door.'

a few things. my rule is only describe what is essential and relevant. can be a bit of a skill this. Some also go further with a little extra flourish on the description - and i think a little extra garnish is fine if it is visual - e.g. so pretty she could be a princess - and helps picture what you can see on screen . Some pros have gone way over board on this and it didn't seem to matter.

anyway;

[1] do you need a full name. easier to remember a short one. [2] colour - not relevant usually. [3]fit - can be relevant [4] good looking - a tad bland [5] blonde hair and blue eyes - only relevant if you are setting up a character type, IMO, e.g. the all american boy, or poster boy, or pop star, psycho albino killing monk

On one shoulder, he carries a sack, while singing "Love,
Reign O’er Me" by the Who.  His British accent matches
Daltrey’s spot on.  He closes the door.

song type not relevant. the fact that he is relaxed, at ease, seems to do this often = very relevant. remember to choose you description to drive the visual intention. e.g. he closes the door without looking back, knows where the lock is etc he knows this place. its his manor.

British accent - irrelevant, and generally a slur upon our once noble country  

The warehouse’s walls are barely lit as the door opens.
Once the door closes, you can barely see two feet around
you.

this comes with practice but again what is the distilled image you want. inside its murky. even then do we need that'd detail? what we may benefit from is that he is at ease in this dark world as though he knows it like the back of his hand. what visual image could show that? the beauty is we can make it up. e.g. a pillar in the way that he ducks automatically, or counts his footsteps until the light switch etc

He walks past an old freight elevator to the other end of
the huge warehouse.  He swings the sack from his shoulder
and gently rests it on the floor, releasing a beautiful
woman (20s), thin, dark hair, brown eyes, pale skin, in a
tank top and short shorts.

IMO i would have this as two separate sentences. two action, two images. i try to keep to two lines max to drive the lean tone of the read. WOMAN in caps

tank top and shorts - irrelevant i think.

He bends down, reaches into his pocket and pulls out a
package of smelling salts.  He breaks it near her nose,
causing her to regain consciousness almost instantly.  She
gasps for air.  Here lies Amber.

when you get into lean writing the 'bends down' 'pulls out' etc start to be redundant. he breaks  some smelling salts by her nose - thats what we need to know.

why give her a name now. we've seen her, its not mentioned on screen. you should avoid not naming your characters from first sight only for good reason. This adds nothing.

RICK
          Hello hottie. What’s your name?
          Hottie’s so informal.
                    AMBER
               (speaks in Gaelic accent)
          AMBER.  Why am -

hottie - didn't work for me and why repeat it. why not use her name. it then shows he knows her. but then she doesn't know him . tension, curiousity, unwritten backstrory etc

gaelic - seems irrelevant to me. actually it confuses the reader as to they should be looking for something, or know something etc

RICK
               (cuts her off)
          Why are you here?  I know, it’s
          always their first question.  I’m
          shocked it’s never who are you?

no need for the cuts off. i prefer -- for cut off and use ... when some trails off and doesn't finish their words.

BUT...and I'm sorry its taken a while...i liked his words. has tone. backstory, intent etc

thats all for now, hope some of this helps.

all the best

Hey Dan,

You asked me to give this a look, so I wrote down every little thought that entered my head.

There’s a lot of little things that jump out right away.

FADE IN should be OVER BLACK, since you haven’t entered a location yet. You have the Narrator introduce himself as the Invisible Man, so I would just name him that above the dialogue.

The framing device for this story strikes me like a Tales from the Crypt type riff. It doesn’t really seem that elaborate or interesting though. There’s no set, we don’t see him and not much of a backstory. You could expand on this and do it better, but unless this is an actual series or the framing device intersects with the main plot at the end (i.e. it turns out the Invisible Man is Rick) I don’t see much reason for it and would cut it myself.

“Once the door closes, you can barely see two feet around you.”

Not only is that sentence distracting by referring to the reader, but it doesn’t add much. Just note the dim light and possibly its source.

“releasing a beautiful woman (20s)”

Since we find out her name is Amber shortly, I think this best reads as “releasing AMBER (20s)”

“He breaks it near her nose, causing her to regain consciousness almost instantly. She gasps for air.”

The wordiness of this sentence defeats its intent. This is supposed to be happening quickly and yet the way it’s worded feels relaxed. I’d try, “He breaks it near her nose and she snaps awake, gasping for air.” This way it reads almost as quickly as it would happen.

I’m realizing Rick is a rapist, which I actually didn’t understand from your narrator’s speech. It said he liked the thrill of the hunt and sexual highs, but I thought that just meant bird-dogging chicks and being a man slut. Not a problem if you cut it all together.

“How is that fair? You’ll kill me right away.”

This line seems to cognisant for someone who just woke from smelling salts. She’s too quick to accept her situation. I would just have him mention the sixty seconds and start counting down. Eventually she realizes that running is her only option and she’s already wasted 10 to 20 seconds.

“Rick reaches into the bag, grabs, puts on NIGHT VISION GOGGLES.”

A few things here. One, is this the same bag she was in? You should really describe that bag a little better. Two, ‘grabs’ is awkwardly forced into that sentence. Maybe, “Rick pulls a pair of NIGHT VISION GOGGLES from the bag and slips them on.”

That’s a longer sentence, but you can take it out of the next one by changing, “He purposely walks heavily as he approaches her.” to “He stomps toward her.”

Hearing Amber’s thoughts would play odd onscreen, imo. There’s also an awful lot of telling in them.

There’s a lot of physical location-type problems and inconsistencies with how I think this would play out.  A lot of this has to do with how dark it is, or isn’t.

At the top of page 4, you have “Rick swings his knife that grazes her arm.” Besides the sentence being awkwardly worded, it seems to come from nowhere because Rick hadn’t been established as being next to her. I can’t see anything in the described location that would prevent her, or us, from seeing him. In my mind I’m picturing her throwing the bucket. And then Rick swings the knife and WHAM he’s only a foot away from her. It’s jarring. This is compounded by a couple things. One, she would’ve reacted to him talking right next to her before he swung. Two, you write, “Amber grabs her arm, looks at the flesh wound.” If there’s enough light for her to see her arm, I think she’d notice Rick standing two feet away from her.

“She measures each step, not to give away her position.”

How does that work anymore? He found her, he’s wearing NVGs, plus she’s already headed for a sound herself, a sound he would’ve heard (not that he needs to).

I doubt the door of a freight elevator can be opened silently.

“She feels a blade enter her back. She spins around. The blade enters her stomach.”

I know what you’re going for with the first sentence, and I’ll admit it’s a hard thing to get right. Maybe focus more on the sound we’d hear and her reaction? The last sentence made me imagine a knife hovering in mid-air. Maybe a close up? But then…

“Rick pushes a cord that hangs from the ceiling.”

You have this way of concealing Rick, presumably in darkness, but then presenting him without fanfare. Why couldn’t we see this guy? If there’s a shadow, mention it. An object he’s behind, bring it up. But the way it is here, it’s like he was there all along, but you couldn’t be bothered to tell us.

I should take this moment to say, managing a character’s perception of darkness versus the audience’s perception of the same darkness is always tricky, so it’s not like you didn’t have your work cut out for you.

“Bodies of dead women cover the floor.” Definitely an opportunity to be more visually descriptive. What’s the room look like? The lighting, the walls, how big is it, what’s in there other than bodies? You don’t have to answer every question in the prose, but use the answers you think of to set a more visually specific scene.

“You took the thrill from me. You denied me fucking you as you died.”

I have to be honest, this line was hilarious to me. There must be dozens of ways an actor could say this line, and they’re all really funny. I think it’s the on-the-nose combined with how extreme it is.

But part of me is wondering if this is intended. With Amber waking up and declaring herself the ‘Goddess of the Hunt’, it’s so over the top and out of nowhere that I have to wonder if humor is intended. The whole Goddess thing needs to be better set-up. She indicates that she’s not human, but so far nothing in the story could give me a clue as to what she is, or that a creature like her is even capable of existing. Also why wait until she’s been stabbed multiple times to turn the tables. Surely she could’ve turned the tables at any point downstairs. I know she says she wanted to see how he hunts, but she’d have a pretty good idea of that by the time she got thrown into a bag, wouldn’t she?

“He tries to bite his own tongue off, but, can’t. “

This is one of the most unlikely suicide attempts I’ve ever seen.

The basic structure, woman chased by killer, he catches her, she turns the tables, is fine. But the way it is played is either too over the top (not feeling realistic) or out of nowhere (not set up) The first half is very basic. It’s been seen and done many times and it needs to be written well and executed almost flawlessly in order to stand out. Once the turn happens, you’ve got some interesting new ideas, but I can’t see what they have to do with anything that came before it.

Just an example, if Rick was to tell Amber about some story from Greek mythology involving hunting before letting her loose, Perchta’s reveal would at least tie back to an element of the story. Right now it just hangs there.

Finally, I think the ending would be more in keeping with “the hunt” angle if she released him. Gave him a head start before she began her hunt. And you could FADE OUT there with the reader knowing that there isn’t much chance of him getting away.

Hope some of this helped. Good luck.

Tales of Horror presents: The Game Room forth ed.

To be fair toward other entries, the elevator has not the slightest impact on anything here.  

Torture isn't my genre so what can I say: much too long and much too long.  10-12 minutes watching that darkness must also be exhausting for the eyes.

The dialogue is partly good but quite repetitive. PERCHTA repeats ten times and more through what of an awful hell she's going with Rick soon. There's a point when it's not bringing your story further any more.

... but as said before, I'm not part of the supposed audience here.

I think that the establishment of a "host" who speaks directly to the audience giving this the illusion of being a cautionary tale is very smart.  The characters are interesting, the game that Ricky hopes to play is so mean that the audience will hope Amber can somehow outsmart him.  Amber's transformation was not as exciting to read as it would be on film, I suspect.  Ricky's fate suggests a ring in Dante's Inferno, well, he'd feel at home with his own kind.
The dialogue is good enough to allow a filmed version to leave some of the brutality to the imagination. Fine work.

Quoted from c m hall I think that the establishment of a "host" who speaks directly to the audience giving this the illusion of being a cautionary tale is very smart.  The characters are interesting, the game that Ricky hopes to play is so mean that the audience will hope Amber can somehow outsmart him.  Amber's transformation was not as exciting to read as it would be on film, I suspect.  Ricky's fate suggests a ring in Dante's Inferno, well, he'd feel at home with his own kind. The dialogue is good enough to allow a filmed version to leave some of the brutality to the imagination. Fine work.

Thanks for the kind words.  I know there are faults.  I do have to fix a lot in this story.  For one, I forgot to use the Night vision goggles POV.  

I had wanted to use the invisible man as a way to have him chronicle the stories that he saw while running around naked (hence, totally invisible).  

Oh, just so that everyone knows, I didn't write this with Duex Ex Machina in mind.  I had never seen the movie.  I have heard of the video game, but, never played it nor did I know what it was about.  So, she was NOT based on that character.

For the guy that said that it didn't fit her profile exactly, well, it fit it close enough.  She was associated with the hunt.  The hunt wasn't just about hunting a boar for meals.  The hunt was also used as a means of guilt or innocence.  So, I adapted her to be the total goddess of the hunt.  I thought that was pretty smart of me.

I should have tried to hide clues that she was more then just a human, or have her glow (showing possession or something, like the goddess enters her body).

I got an awesome idea from Mark Renshaw saying that I should have her go after real hunters as well.  When we hunt today, the animal has no chance at all.  It isn't a hunt, it's a slaughter and she would be VERY upset about that.  So, if I do rewrite this over, I might make it a bit longer but, add more.  Or make it a series of shorts like what others did with Great White, which was a very cool character.  Lots to consider...

Thanks all who responded to it.

Dan

I'm not sure in what context this was said and tis late here so I don't have time to look it up. But a FYI, Dan, if not talking about a specific movie title or game this has a specific meaning in the world of film. Forgive me if you already know, but just in case not:

Deus ex machina - from the Greek: meaning "god from the machine".
The term has evolved to mean a plot device whereby a seemingly unsolvable problem is suddenly and abruptly resolved by the contrived and unexpected intervention of some new event, character, ability or object. Depending on how it is done, it can be intended to move the story forward when the writer has "painted himself into a corner" and sees no other way out, to surprise the audience, to bring the tale to a happy ending, or as a comedic device.

Quoted from LC I'm not sure in what context this was said and tis late here so I don't have time to look it up. But a FYI, Dan, if not talking about a specific movie title or game this has a specific meaning in the world of film. Forgive me if you already know, but just in case not: Deus ex machina - from the Greek: meaning "god from the machine". The term has evolved to mean a plot device whereby a seemingly unsolvable problem is suddenly and abruptly resolved by the contrived and unexpected intervention of some new event, character, ability or object. Depending on how it is done, it can be intended to move the story forward when the writer has "painted himself into a corner" and sees no other way out, to surprise the audience, to bring the tale to a happy ending, or as a comedic device.

I was thinking of that movie ex machina based on the video game.

Quoted from DanC I was thinking of that movie ex machina based on the video game.

I got that, which is why I posted the plot device meaning of it.  Currentcmine gave feedback in regard to Perchta being convenient as a plot device as did Janet and I thought perhaps you'd misconstrued their comments as being about the movie. No problem if I misunderstood you, just wanted to offer you the other perspective of what they were saying.  

Pg 1
His obsession..HAS let him. (subject-verb agreement)
Here lies AMBER (upper case)
The wryly (cuts her off) is implied by the dash after Why am--

Pg 2
There an an old elevator -> There's an old elevator (missing ‘s plus “an an”)
The wryly with the slap should be put in an action line RICK
The second comma "luck, but," is unnecessary
The "Run, run, run" is implied and not necessary.
"...scream, the -> then quickly..."

Pg 3
"She takes off headed straight"  Versus "crooked?"  How about, "she starts to run again, recklessly"
Amber yells, "...You're moving." Why would she give away her location?
Some SLUGLINES may help in this section: INT. WAREHOUSE - ELEVATOR
Not sure the intent of the paragraph "SALVATION"  Maybe Amber's inner thoughts?  If so, not sure we can do that.

Pg 5
She's mortally wounded and the most important thing on her mind is, "What's that stench?"

Pg 6
The wryly "(screams at her)" is really unnecessary.

Pg 7
The fight sequence could be improved.

------------------------------------------------------
PERCHTA
Real fighters--

She hits him with a right cross.

PERCHTA (CONT.)
--use no weapons--

She roundhouse kicks him

PERCHTA (CONT.)
--and never cheat--

She heel-stomps his face

PERCHTA (CONT.)
--ever

She stomps again for good measure.
------------------------------------------------------

You like extra commas after the conjunction BUT

Pg 9 Bottom
What's the difference between the underline and italics?

Page 10
Why is it sad that Rick passes out.  Sounds like her interior feelings.  Not sure we can do that.

Suggestion on this action line
You say: Her eyes glow white, Rick's body responds like he's getting shocked from a defibrillator, forcing him to wake.
Perhaps instead: Perchta's eyes glow a brilliant white.  Rick's body violently convulses as if defibrillator paddles squeeze his crotch.  He squirms and pukes like an untethered firehose.

She grabs the "other" foot.  Did she have the first one already?

You say: Like the drugs, huh? Like to feel unnatural highs or lows?
Suggested:  So you get your nuts off killing defenseless women?  Gives you a rush, an unnatural high?

Pg 11
No need to mention the cheese grater in dialogue.  The action line is enough.
Why the quotes around horny?
"I'm gonna show you how to use this?"  Sounds like she's gonna hand it to him.
Suggestion: Let me show you my recipe for shaved meatballs.  Mmmmm.