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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Junior's Farm - OWC
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  Author    Junior's Farm - OWC  (currently 4173 views)
RKeller
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 11:54am Report to Moderator
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I thought the over-the-radio cussing was unnecessary.  It seems many scriptwriters use profanity as a lazy crutch, because more thought-out words would have better impact.   "The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.", Twain

You twice referenced the moon.  Not sure how the monster was ever in doubt.

If this was set near Juno, then the rolling head was a baked Alaskan.

Like others, I too stumbled over the Me Mee Meeee Miguel.


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Nathan Hill
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 12:11pm Report to Moderator
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This is another one f my favourites! Has that horror-comedy feel to it! This makes me laugh in a dark way just imagining the bumbling country police officers.

I really did enjoy this one as I felt it had some funny and entertaining scenes which were riddled with gruesome gore, it's right up my alley dark comedy wise.

I also liked the ending, 'it's mee', that felt like a smart piece of writing so +1 for that!

My only complaint is that I would have liked to see more of Junior, him surviving and facing off against the wolf or perhaps another piece of dark comedy would have been him being shot by the officers? That would have made for a very funny accidental death.

OVERALLL, I enjoyed this, it is a great dark horror comedy with potential scare factor as well as great characters and story telling.
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Gum
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 11:37pm Report to Moderator
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Great script!

Fast paced, funny, realistic tone/mood that carried it throughout. It had a retro cinematic feel to it as well, almost a Stephen King vibe... like Pet Cemetery, etc.

Full of gore/horror and fun to read.

Umm... just gonna throw this out there. The concept of a 'Mexican Werewolf in America' comes off more like a subtle poke at political satire to address  the (recent) Border Brouhaha ... clever in a unique way, and definitely  a modern  twist on the Werewolf concept if that's what you were going for?... works for me.
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LC
Posted: October 26th, 2015, 12:47am Report to Moderator
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Overall, a good lot of fun. Vibe is nice. Small town America, some not too bright characters and personalities.

Negs: It's cliché ridden - in a good way I suppose. Some of the opening lines were a bit dodgy, 'sugar tits' etc. (I'm no prude, just seemed a bit harsh), hmm, suppose it went with the set up and tone.

Just as a by the way, you U.S. writers do a funny thing - Charlie rolls Murphy's corpse off of him. 'Rolls off' does the trick you know...

Gooduns: Once you started getting into the dialogue things went swimmingly well. Some nice physical comedy from Marjorie to start off with. V.good attention paid to visuals - the screen door, and rusty swing, the ol' basement and its single bulb light fitting - print of American Gothic - nicely done.

Ending: bit of a let down, bit cheesy. Not sure because of that if this would be entirely satisfying on screen, as it is to read, and that is the aim.

Oh, and I'll admit that unless you'd written in the word 'werewolf' I wouldn't have guessed your 'monster'. 'Snout' suggested a rabid pig, like this one:

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0087981/




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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 26th, 2015, 4:13pm Report to Moderator
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This is sound writing by someone who knows what they are doing

Characters stand out even if you felt you've met them before

Story, on the plus it's simple, on the down it as nothing to standout

Now...what if junior had been breeding special hens and others, a curse upon himself etc

That's the kind of thing to keep it contained on the farm - and what's the modern twist?

Best of luck


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Grandma Bear
Posted: October 26th, 2015, 10:45pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this was PERFECT screenplay writing. Great job on that! However, I thought the story itself didn't quite live up to the quality of the writing.

I don't know what to suggest, it just seemed ho hum in the end.

Again, great writing that in my opinion would be awesome with a kick-ass story.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 27th, 2015, 4:33am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Grandma Bear
I thought this was PERFECT screenplay writing. Great job on that! However, I thought the story itself didn't quite live up to the quality of the writing.

I don't know what to suggest, it just seemed ho hum in the end.

Again, great writing that in my opinion would be awesome with a kick-ass story.


I think you've hit the nail on the head there. It's so well written, like the perfect example of 'how to write a screenplay' - it's just the story is lacking, for me anyway.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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SAC
Posted: October 28th, 2015, 7:02pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Great pace and tone throughout. I had a good sense of place while reading. Tense in places, and structured very well. Only issue, as some have noted, was the story fell a little flat towards the end. Set up good, pay off not much so. Standard issue monster tale that could have used a bigger dose of originality. Still, Smartly written and told. Good job here.

Steve


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EWall433
Posted: October 29th, 2015, 2:20am Report to Moderator
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Good writing for the most part. I got a little confused on page 6 due to the size of the wound in Murphy's head. Sounds a little much for a 9mm, so I thought maybe Junior took his head off with a shotgun. Maybe specify some sort of high caliber revolver that Murphy's carrying; something that packs a little more punch than a standard issue pistol.

There's a lot of cops for such a small station and, though the characters are fun, I'm beginning to wonder if there's maybe too many of them.

I had a feeling Miguel was the culprit when Stanley found him.

This shows promise, but I think the thing that hurts it the most is it doesn't really have a protagonist. We never see the story through the eyes of any one person for very long, so it's hard to get a footing. As a result it feels too much like a series of events. 'This happens, then this happens' rather then 'This happens because this happens, thereby causing this to happen'. It's not completely scattershot, but it feels sort of like turning on a movie that's playing right in the middle. There's things going on, people dying, but it's hard to see whose story it is or what I'm suppose to care about.

I guess the most obvious fix for that would be to intro Stanley sooner and try to find a way to involve him more. Either that or handle Murphy and Charlie differently. Murphy shooting his own head off is funny, but it's kind of useless in the larger scheme of things, at least from where I'm standing.

A lot of character to this one though, and a good job for a week’s work.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: October 29th, 2015, 8:19am Report to Moderator
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Junior's Farm

The usual problem when all given space is used. It's stuffed.

And comes across as there's no will to focus, compress, cut, and let words go. Too many scenes and characters imo.

Nevertheless, some images were very visual and brutal and the ambition is there. Solid work.




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Dreamscale
Posted: October 30th, 2015, 5:41pm Report to Moderator
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The good news...

I read the entire script...and liked it for the most part.

Writing is pretty good....but...

The not so good news...

The writing is also a little irritating here and there, and the writer seems to be trying too hard.  There's a strange vibe throughout that takes away from the actual horror this could...and should be.

The dialogue is hit and miss, but...

The bad news...

Much of the dialogue is a miss for me.

There's alot going on, as in too much, but we see very little (low budget?  OK, I get it).

There's too many details crammed in, which makes the read very long and bloated feeling.

Which leads to a grade of...

B  Good job!
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eldave1
Posted: October 31st, 2015, 8:12pm Report to Moderator
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Very solid writing in terms of format and style - this is one that can be referred to for how to do things properly.

The ending left me a bit - meh. Not worthy of all the great work building up to it. But this is one of my favs



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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IamGlenn
Posted: November 1st, 2015, 3:08pm Report to Moderator
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Roto Tiller,

Logline interests me greatly.

The story itself was decent. Kind of got bored near the end. Don't know if that's because it's my last one to read or because it was rather predictable. The writing is very good though and there are some pretty funny parts. Just nothing here that really grabbed me.

Best of luck.

Glenn.


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wonkavite
Posted: November 1st, 2015, 7:03pm Report to Moderator
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Ah!  As is now my practice, I read in order of posting for this OWC.  So this was my last one, with "She Must Bleed" right before it.  Granted, the monsters/themes on both these are similar.

And there's something else simliar between them - classy, clean and solid writing - and an enjoyable tale.  And very, very good dialogue, too.  So is this on my list as one of the best of "wolf breed"?  Definitely.  

PS: LOVE the outhouse description!  Not to mention the 'Jersey Devil' quip!

Cheers,

--J (W)
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Marcela
Posted: November 7th, 2015, 1:19pm Report to Moderator
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I loved the beginning, it really drew me in. It became a bit monotonous later on, with random people popping up and getting killed. Miguel also appeared kinda out of nowhere, he surely should have been there all the way through as Miguel, not just as the killing machine. Keep up good work,
Marcela


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