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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2K16 One Week Challenge  ›  Big Bad Wolf - OWC
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  Author    Big Bad Wolf - OWC  (currently 3129 views)
Cameron
Posted: October 21st, 2016, 2:15pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry writer, in large it was pretty much just the original story with alternative names, and then a kinda twist at the end and a brief bit of gore.

Not for me I'm afraid, I feel you really needed to wander further away from the original and get a bit more creative. Still, your writing seemed decent so it was an easy read.
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leitskev
Posted: October 21st, 2016, 5:57pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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This isn't bad. It's a decent twist at the end. I think it might be better if Sausage becomes a monstrous pig instead of a wolf-like creature. Would make more sense. But it works. I mean simple, fun stories are what the OWC is all about.

It's always better if an OWC can make us care what happens. This story does not, but very, very few OWC's manage that, so it's a nice effort here.

The writing is not a hindrance. There's not much writing voice on display, and that's always a missed opportunity with OWC's, which should be a great chance to develop voice.

For example:

Sausage slaves away at his brick house, almost done. He
looks at Bacon and Porkchop.


"Looks" is a very plain word. The writer should use a verb here that described the way Sausage looks at his friends. Maybe he glowers or glares or frowns. Maybe he shakes his head with disdain. Paint us a picture, efficiently but visually strong.

Good effort though.
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ChrisBodily
Posted: October 25th, 2016, 2:53am Report to Moderator
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My first thought was an animated episode of Tales from the Crypt (with no less than Bobcat Goldthwait). I loved both the adherence to the original story, and also the new werepig twist. Quite ironic.

Recommend. A+


FADE IN:
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 26th, 2016, 1:59pm Report to Moderator
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So Sausage was really a wolf in pigs clothing? Hmmmm...
Why not a wild boar with big tusks?

Could have had more punch to it, it read more like dark humor to me. And aside from the underwhelming twist, nothing much was done with the story.


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Abe from LA
Posted: October 26th, 2016, 3:43pm Report to Moderator
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It's a retelling of the old 3 Pigs story, but I like it.  There are a some missed opportunities. Still, it felt pretty good from where I sit.
Would have liked it more if:

The twist had a twist. Was thinking that it would have been interesting if Sausage was frying up some bacon when the other two pigs come begging for shelter.
Put the emphasis on luring the Wolf to a trap.
Once the wolf gets stuck in the chimney, let the fun begin.

An added boomerang, would have been for Sausage to kill the wolf to eliminate competition. Then to reveal his true nature, as Cannibal Pig.

Anyway, i thought it was a pretty good read. It's been about 5 decades or so since I last heard this tale, so it was a bit of a refresher. Not a recommend, but I'd give this a consider.
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c m hall
Posted: October 29th, 2016, 9:20pm Report to Moderator
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I like this very much, especially the dialogue, which is true to the original story, with the occasional, well placed "lazy swine" etc.

SPOILERS

Sausage's secret life could have, perhaps, been given another page or two; the other two pigs possibly try to escape or talk their way out...

there doesn't seem to be an "oops" moment when Bacon and Pork Chop realize the danger they face from Sausage -- it might make the ending more interesting, a little more deadpan humor might be in order.  Or at the ending, the sound of the awful howling might destroy the brick house...  As it stands now, this is a admirable, solidly made screenplay.

Revision History (1 edits)
c m hall  -  October 30th, 2016, 9:52am
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 30th, 2016, 6:46pm Report to Moderator
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I agree with Catherine...this could have been REALLY god with an extra page or so.

As is, I actually gave it a consider, as the twist was deviously well done.
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Nolan
Posted: October 31st, 2016, 3:20pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks to everyone who commented on this, and for the three votes in the Reader's Choice.  I honestly didn't think I would get one, so I was humbled to receive three!  

My interpretation of the challenge was to actually "re-tell" a story.  So rather than using it as a guide for a different story, I decided to tell the original story, with the twist at the end.  For a little while, I played with something different for the ending.  I had initially thought of having the pigs align with a bear or something of that nature, to get the better of the wolf.   As for sticking directly to the original story, I also had more dialogue in there to begin with, giving it more of a comedy feel.  I didn't want to set the tone as a comedy horror... but it appears some people may have liked that idea, haha.  

In the end, I decided on the werewolf twist.  And yes, werewolf, not werepig .  I figured "if humans can turn into werewolves, why can't pigs?".  

As for the whole locking himself in the brick house so he can't get out schtick, most werewolf movies I watch portrays the werewolf as a mindless beast.  He basically reverts back to an animal, and in that sense, he would never be able to figure a lock and key out.  I know some werewolf movies don't do that, but I chose to go down that path.

I truly appreciate the comments!  There was some very valuable feedback in there.  So much in fact, that I may actually do this again with some of the suggestions.  I had a fun time writing this!  

Nolan  
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