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I should start by saying I really enjoyed reading your script. It's solidly and stylistically written and you put more than enough fun twist and turn there. You also have an interesting premise and I can see you executed it pretty well. The part where the homeless man told her the real meaning of Render Stillskin's name actually gave me goosebumps. The ending felt a bit abrupt, but to be fair, you got a maximum of only 10 pages.
I suggest you consider turning this into a feature, you got a quite strong idea here. Good job! I'll definitely give it a recommend!
Certainly had the creep factor going, not too sure why mom had her face removed... maybe figuring out her life ain't worth shit with the drugs and given her daughter a better chance.
A nice little script, but the story felt choppy at parts. Almost as if it didn't have time to milk out the current moment and wanted to get to the next part. There's a lack of dialogue and explanation here which I can only assume was cut to fit the 10 pages exactly. It's noticeable, and makes the script feel constricted and the story hard to navigate through. The idea is good, and sacrifice at the end works well in theory -- but on the page, there's a genuine lack of care for the reader because it all feels very rough and just...shrunk down.
I do appreciate this, and I think it can be a very good script if given more care and pages, but as it stands right now, it doesn't quite hit the mark, although it's a very respectable effort.
I agree with the others that the thug scene is an unnecessary complication. If the goal is to show the bond between mother and daughter, but in a way that shows the mother's drug addiction is threatening her own mothering instincts, there has to be a simpler way to do it. Maybe it would be best to just begin with the mom taking them to pawn shops, where they pawn personal items such as jewelry, and where the mother tries to sell the daughter's portraits. And there the pawn shop clerk slips the daughter Render's business card.
Shortening the opening scene to this might create one or two extra pages of space, which could be used to make the ending more clear. It's tricky no matter what, because you want the reader to worry that the girl will cut her own face, and if we know the mother has learned about Render's contract, we might see too early where it's going,
It doesn't work very well as is, but thank's for playing!
Love this one. I think I like the little stillskin character more than any of them Does that make me evil?? The writing is solid here. I like the way the writer sets up the bond between mother and daughter yet shows us their huge obstacles: the girl with her wheelchair and the mother with her addiction, and together their need for money to keep going. GREAT job writer. Not many of the scripts in this owc and past take the care to set up characters like this.
Maybe as mentioned the thug scene could be changed. I'm not sure how. It does establish that the addiction cause the mother to put her daughter in jeopardy. I was really pissed at the mom through this until the end when she gives her own face for the girl...I love the irony in that although the end does confuse a bit at first I guess.
The script says you're Big Bad Woof, but Don says you're Big Bad Wolf.
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Address
Over the river and through the woods.
To Grandmother's house we go? Stay away from her, you Big Bad Wolf. Ha!
Bold slugs. Some love 'em, some hate 'em. They're not officially industry standard, but they have their fans.
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INT. PUBLIC BATHROOM(MCDONALD[']S OR SOMETHING) - DAY
It's your job; you decide. You're the writer.
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But she fights it, lowering her head and sobbing instead.
Was that rhyme intentional?
Ugh, do something, Mom!
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MOTHER (O.S.) Let her go!
What took you so long?
Visibly (filmably) bored?
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Mom, still in need of a fix, is sweating profusely.
Too passive. Change it to one of these:
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Mom, still in need of a fix, sweats profusely.
Or
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Mom, still in need of a fix, is (covered/drenched/etc.) in sweat.
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Fighting the monkey on her back
I'd change this, unless she's literally fighting a monkey on her back, lol. Keep figures of speech in action to a bare minimum, unless it's unquestionably understood. "Raining cats and dogs" and "screams bloody murder" are fine. "Fighting the monkey" is pushing it.
"We" shouldn't be part of the story. Keep "us" out of screenplays.
What happened to the rent? We can take a damn good guess; no need to spell it out in an aside.
Dusk is sometimes acceptable, but try to stick to day and night.
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He slides her a business card: �Render Stillskin: collector - 10 Grim St.�
I think while it falls short on fully living up to the source material, which features a pretty involved narrative if you think about it, I think the premise here is more or less strong. You've come up with some fittingly creepy imagery to go along with it as well. I dug the look of Render's shop with all the mannequins around, which coupled well with the flaying motif and the hooded victims. I also appreciated the theme of art and creation within such an ugly landscape.
At the same time, it's much more melodramatic than it needs to be. The wheelchair doesn't really play into the central plot at all and seems like little more than an easy way to gain sympathy from the reader. It *does* play into the encounter with the bullies, but I have similar issues with that scene as have been mentioned before in previous comments. I've also read too many scripts with junkies crying as they shoot up. Why not mix it up and have the mom drop her junk on the floor or something and abandon it as a lost cause instead of her less believable, less nuanced "fighting" it?
Additionally, some of the writing, especially the dialogue, is a little clunky. Render's sing-songy speech is especially problematic, as I actually had to reread the scene once or twice to figure out what exactly the characters had agreed upon in their deal. Other dialogue simply detracts from the overall scariness by being too on-the-nose, such as the homeless man telling Maria outright that Render skins people instead of just letting the image speak for itself. I also had to reread the ending with Maria removing her face to figure out what had happened.
I think this would benefit from tightening up some of the writing and striking a balance between too much and too little, whether that be in elements of tone, such as the rampant melodrama, or clarity, such as the stumbling blocks inherent in Render's dialogue. I think this would entail a handful of rewrites, as opposed to just one. Good job entering in any case. I couldn't get myself together in time, so I expect I owe that much to all writers.
Very good script. Forget logic, the story makes sense when considered through the eyes of a ten year old girl. Her fear, the loss of her mother, directs all action and eventually must be confronted. A child uses all of her talent and strength, heroically, endangering herself, and fails... But she survives because, unexpectedly, someone warns her and someone takes the terrible punishment for her.
I like the whole 'pound of flesh' aspect of this, but everything from the unrealistic thugs, to the faceless guy outside the shop detracted from what it could have been.
With a little tweaking this could be a creepy tale.
Thanks for reading, everyone, very instructive notes! If I have not got to yours yet, and you reviewed mine, I will get to it soon.
Most people are in agreement that my opening scene needs to go, a pretty strong indication it does. I think it does overcomplicate the story. I wanted to show the bond between the mother and daughter, despite the mother's troubled mothering because of her heroin addiction. I think I threw some people off by calling the boys thugs. This is not Boyz in the Hood. The kids are really just bullies that you could find anywhere. But I think a simpler scene should have been found to display the complicated mother/daughter bond.
The "rules" I broke in the writing I did so knowingly, and though a degree of playful antagonism with some readers was the goal, the methods used were also logical. For example, the slug "McDonald's bathroom or something similar". Someone filming a short would understand: use what's available to you,..Dunkin Donuts, a local tavern, a gas station. It's a somewhat dirty public bathroom in a city. Creating the slug this was cures the director that he can use anything similar. McDonalds is not necessary. Merely saying a "dirty public bathroom" does not convey the right image.
The aside was used for clarity sake. It added no lines, if I remember. Clarity trumps rules like rock beats scissors. If I had a nickel for every time someone read something in a script that was written perfectly clear and they still missed it...I'd have a lot of nickels.
And there is no rule that says you can't switch from "mom" to "mother". Does it make it less clear? If not, it's not a problem. In normal writing, varying things up is desirable. It really doesn't make much difference here. I didn't want to keep saying Mother.
Thanks for reading, fun to enter, I look forward to the next one!
Oh, it's yours Kevin, and now that the names are revealed, I eventually know who exactly you are, KevinL from the old days. Great to see you back here. Your entry was my clear favorite.
Most people are in agreement that my opening scene needs to go, a pretty strong indication it does.
I feared the writer would say that. From a dramaturgic sight, I found the "thugz-scene" perfectly well to 1. establish the dark world and dangerous people within and 2. to eventually bring in some action and movement from the start.
I don't know if I read too much into the script but your whole world there, wasn't the real world in my eyes. It was more a fictional, darker edition of today, almost a lost society, with few good. As I saw it, this place is all dirty inside and out; a bad over-pictured habitat where there's no hope for its citizens. Everybody living there, is either helpless as the bum, Maria and her mother, or they are ruthless figures as the thugs and Stillsken.
I'm more used to other genres, and you definitely reminded me of the power of characters. I'm not sure if there's something bigger than characters in storytelling. Great work.
You share the same vision regarding the world. It's set in the present, but because of the magic, I saw it as tinged with fantasy, so almost a Gotham-like world.
My goal with the opening was to show that the mother is jeopardizing the daughter because of her drug habit, but she would do anything for her also. So I wanted to show her standing up for her against the thugs. But it probably was a little too much. I should have tried to think of something more subtle.
The end was unclear to some, but I didn't want to give away the game too early. I wanted people to worry that Maria would cut her own face off.
Hi Kevin Not bad. A few things: 1. As the others said, you have to tell us where everyone is at all times. Saying McDonalds' or something doesn't cut it.
2. Name the thugs or don't. Don't name a few in the way you did b/c it makes you look lazy.
3. Instead of unfilmables like "We know she isn't" show us that she isn't. The old saying show, don't tell.
4. I don't buy the mom's sacrifice. I don't buy how Maria got to see Rumple. I don't buy the homeless guy.
I mean, if your face is cut off, you pretty much die. So, how are they living after this?
I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good. I enjoy writing the same. Looking to team with anyone!
I broke these "rules" with a reason beyond the desire of tweaking rules people.
Let's say you're looking for scripts to shoot a short film. How can I the writer know where you will be shooting, what bathrooms you will have access to? By writing it this way, the director knows that there is no reason it has to be McDonalds, it just has to be something similar,
Naming any more thugs than necessary would be tedious for the reader. If I said the bus was full of travelers, would you want to read all of their names? When I first wrote this, I actually named THUG 1, THUG 2, THUG 3. But I quickly gave them descriptive names. Because it is easier for the reader to track.
It's all about the reader, not arbitrary rules that don't really exist anyway.
Same with unfilmables. Sprinkled in, they serve a purpose in clarifying the story. Used in this way they do no harm, except to offend people who have been taught these strict rules, which don't exist in the industry, they only exist for people that make a living teaching screenwriting.
Please don't think I am being ungrateful. Because I appreciate your comments on the story itself, and I agree those things are all big problems. You are correct about the face cutting. I saw this story as having a bit of dark magic, not quite real world. But I really couldn't pull most of these things off in the story. It's a very flawed story, but I wanted to participate in the OWC, this was the best I could come up with. I had fun!
Again, thanks. Consider my comments on arbitrary rules, and maybe you'll decide some of the rules you follow are worth breaking at times. It's about making things as clear to the reader as possible in a way which allows the story to flow as smoothly as it can. Rules are meant as rules of thumb to help guide that...they are not meant as a kind of catechism. Give it some thought in your next work! Happy Friday.
I'm not going to count how many times you used the word "rules" once again, but let's just say A HELL OF A LOT!!!!!
Dude...my brother...let it go. You'll feel so good once you do...I promise!
One comment on something Dan brought up, that I did as well. And, yes, I've read both of your posts on why you did this, but totally disagree and think it just comes across downright goofy and dumb.
The McDonald's thing. You've said twice now that you did this so a Director or whatever would understand that it doesn't have to be specifically "McDonald's"...it could be any such place. But, bro, c'mon...isn't it as obvious as anything could be that it could be anywhere? Really? Why would anyone think it MUST be shot at a McDonald's? It has absolutely nothing to do with anything here. You get me?
Finally, along those same lines, just because a script/story takes place (in the script) in a certain state/city/country/whatever, does not mean it has to be filmed in the same place. Many, MANY high budget movies do this all the time, and no one knows...until it's revealed on IMDB or the like.
So, the moral of this story is to write your script the way you see it. Set it exactly where you want it set. Be specific...be exact. If the powers that be that buy/shoot your script choose to set it or film it somewhere else, so be it. It doesn't matter.