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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2K16 One Week Challenge  ›  The Final Curse of the Blue Smoke - OWC
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  Author    The Final Curse of the Blue Smoke - OWC  (currently 2848 views)
Cameron
Posted: October 19th, 2016, 2:19pm Report to Moderator
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Not really sure this is a horror script, but I'll put that to one side for a moment.

It was really well written, an effortless read and a tale I wasn't aware of. I liked how you brought it into the present, and avoid the temptation for just a couple of tweaks to the original. I believed in the characters and the story worked for me.

Still, it hasn't met the horror brief so not sure I can consider it. It was some really good writing though
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SAC
Posted: October 20th, 2016, 6:18am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Writer,

I enjoyed the set up you gave, and the writing. The dialogue, IMO, was a bit overdone and repetitive and could've been trimmed back.

The story didn't quite work for me because I suppose I wanted something different from this. When Doyle snorted the coke in the montage I knew he was a bad guy. Till then, he was a pretty likeable and sympathetic protagonist, and I wanted him to remain that way. That way, the dwarf still could have remained evil, making the ending have that much more impact.

And the ending, yes, that confused me a little as well.  Wasn't sure if Doyle and that girl ever did get the better of the dwarf in the end or not. But anyway, it was a very good effort for the time allowed. Good job.

Steve


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Gum
Posted: October 20th, 2016, 8:59am Report to Moderator
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This had a unusual take on an old tale (assuming it's old, I just now read the original). Anyway, the story itself put me in mind of 'Limitless', wherein Cooper's character becomes addicted to a drug that gives him (almost) super human like powers, or as Roger Waters once said: "I've got amazing powers of observation..."

Otto, appearing here as some strange (archaic) being hell bent on living forever by drawing the life force of others, is a bit of a quagmire himself. I envisioned him as 'Peter Dinklage', that children's book author from 'Elf', carrying all his magical, mysterious secrets around in a little black book of his. A modern day wizard with a pompous attitude promising untold riches to those who would heed his advice and, of course, merely give unto him that which he deserves... cold hard cash.

Come to think of it, a dude that old would probably have a consensus of fiat currencies eventually collapsing empires before their time, that being, he lived through several economic downturns. Him asking for something far more tangible in return would paint a better picture of him possessing an insight into how he survived all these years; how he became what he is might be a little more intriguing as to what he has become, IMO. Then, we could assume Doyle is no longer after the just the Blue Smoke when he revisits Otto; he wants it all. The money, the fame, the women and, the ultimate prize...  Otto's immortality.

I enjoyed this one, has promise for something bigger. Best of luck.
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IamGlenn
Posted: October 20th, 2016, 12:33pm Report to Moderator
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This was the best written yet. It was also a super quick read for me and I was really interested in seeing where it went. Alas, I was a little disappointed. The ending seemed rushed and didn't make a whole lot of sense. Up until then it was super smooth and easy to read. Clean the end up and you're onto a winner. I need to know more. Why Otto picked Doyle, and what exactly is Otto?

A consider from me.

Glenn.


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khamanna
Posted: October 20th, 2016, 1:33pm Report to Moderator
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I think you did a great job on this.

All of it is pretty good.

I didn't care for the Montage. It disrupts the flow for me and I don't think it benefits your script. I think you could easily get rid of it.

The Woman - Doyle doesn't love her or anything or does he? Why is seeing her gives him strength at the end? Maybe it doesn't.
Actually I kind of missed something I think. Doyle is saved by an accident - Otto slips on the blood. Or maybe the woman gives Doyle the strength and he uses the energy he's got in him to do something - he makes the bowl with blood fall?

I think it would be even better if you established Doyle loving this woman.

Anyway, it's a strong script. Great characters you got there.
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KevinX
Posted: October 20th, 2016, 1:44pm Report to Moderator
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Hello! Hello!

You got a solidly written script here. The idea of mixing several fairy tales also interesting, though I can't say that I enjoyed every part. Just like what other readers said, I didn't feel any real horror in your script, but as a thriller, I'll say it's successful! I'll give it a consider

Best,
Kevin
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leitskev
Posted: October 20th, 2016, 7:34pm Report to Moderator
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My main objection, and I've seen this before in OWC shorts, is that this story took too many turns down the homestretch. You should have tried to keep this a simpler tale. It's hard to do sometimes, believe me, I've been there.

Having the little fella end up being a creature that needs blood just felt completely random and out of place. And then on top of that, one more twist, with the girl showing up.

Like most OWC's, it lacks a character that we care about or are even interested in. We really know very little about our main character,...which is ok, IF we have some little reason to care to follow him. Here there was not.

I hope this doesn't sound critical, because most OWCs are lacking. This was an easy read at least.
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Equinox
Posted: October 22nd, 2016, 6:37am Report to Moderator
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Best opening scene I've read this OWC so far. Works well to set up the characters and the story. Maybe even better if Doyle wouldn't give in and put his gun away so fast, which seemed a bit off.

Otto's heavy dialog in his house to explain it all was kind of boring. Why not play on the mystery part and just let him smoke it without starting an endless backstory monolog? I didn't really care who made the pipe and why and what else they were able and whatnot. Just a gnome which hands him a magic pipe would have worked as well.

Doyle continues to be unbelievable. He's angry he got to Otto's playe "for a smoke" in one second, then nods agreement in the next second. Kind of inconsistent here and I don't see any reason why he would switch his attitude so fast. Same like in the opening scene, where he all of a sudden puts his gun away because the dwarf tells him he's a friend.

The casino scene is cut a bit too much. You don't cash out while still at the table. I guess you ran out of space, but if you dumped Otto's yawning monolog you'd have more room to write this properly. Same goes for the fact that the pipe actually worked and he can see the cards now. Mentioning that in a half-sentence while you use two pages for pointless backstory explainations seems weird.

Twist with the pipe on page 8 doesn't work. Too late and too unprepared to throw in a new element like that this late in the script. I guess you realized late that you had to answer the question why Otto wouldn't use the pipe himself?
The ending seems a bit constructed. Like the bad guy is always hit by a train just seconds before he can shoot the hero. Works for James Bond, but not very convincing here.

I liked the writing which was very visual (aside from the casino part, which I think was cut too much) and I believe there's potential with this setup. Good effort. With a rewrite or two which fixes the problems, this could be great.


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James McClung
Posted: October 24th, 2016, 10:35pm Report to Moderator
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Opening slug - You use the word Vegas four times. We get it. It's fucking Vegas. Try instead... "Behind the infamous road sign lies the chaotic backdrop of glitzy hotels and neon signs." Eh?

Also how about "neon lights" instead? You use the word "sign" twice. I try not to unpack individual sentences like this too much, but the first sentence is your first impression. Yours is packed with needless repetition.

Okay. One of my favorite entries thus far. Some actual mystery and tension for a change. Seriously been hard-pressed for the stuff this OWC.

Still, the script could use some tightening. Some awkward phrasing here and there. Take this sentence for example:

"His free arm weakly flails at Otto’s face, who fends it off, until the arm slumps down on top of Doyle’s coat pocket."

The dialogue could also use some work, especially early on. When we first meet the characters, Otto's dialogue reads like platitude after platitude, and Doyle sorta swings between asking questions and being incredulous. Gets boring quick.

I liked the reveal in the end, but boy oh boy, exposition-a-mundo. Why not drop some hints about Otto's age throughout the script? Would be a lot more fun. Same goes for his bloodlust (you don't have to say what kind of creature he is btw; the mystery is more interesting). Other lines, you could straight up leave out, like the fact he drugged the coffee, which is obvious.

I didn't understand the significance of Doyle "breaking the rules" by telling the girl. It only serves as a distraction so Doyle can get the jump on Otto. He could've employed any distraction, really. Plus the girl just fucking leaves. Talk about anticlimactic.

Also, strictly personal, but I'd cut Doyle's final line. It's corny, for one thing, but more than that, "We cheated life" leaves the whole thing with a vague moral slant that I don't think the story needs. Left a bad taste in my mouth, honestly.

Overall, though, a pretty solid entry as is. I mean, it's got its issues, but I feel like if the script were of lesser quality, I might not be so apt to accept the script warts and all. An entertaining read, for sure.


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c m hall
Posted: October 25th, 2016, 2:18am Report to Moderator
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Terrific story, very interesting characters, believable dialogue.  

Doyle is a great character, the kind of role that actors will brag about.

The story takes turns that keep the reader's attention -- the relationship between Doyle and Otto is intriguing, they learn from each other, they're not predictable.

There's something exciting about the ending; Doyle and his lady have defied mysterious forces, the pipe is crushed, cash is retrieved -- and a survivor runs away, back to life.
I'd hope the flashback at the ending is clearly Doyle's memory; as his life fades his will gets stronger...    
These are memorable characters in what is going to be a great film.


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Abe from LA
Posted: October 28th, 2016, 10:54pm Report to Moderator
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OK, last script as I'm down to the wire.  The writing is strong, and I like parts of the story. But probably because I'm rushed here to read and critique, I felt bogged down by the dialogue. It seems you can scale back on this and it would work better. Sorry for not giving this a fair read. I'm on the fence about this script. I wish the horror was better.  Good effort, regardless.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 31st, 2016, 4:34pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the reads, folks.

I knew this was too much for the 10 pages - 12 would have been real handy - but when you ain't got much time, you work with what you have.

It also felt something different to do, which was nice.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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