The Final Curse of the Blue Smoke by The Dealer

An injured war veteran struggles to contain a newly acquired power

Short Action Horror based on The Blue Light

Interesting...and possibly troubling note on the title page, saying that this is based "on several fairy tales".  Hmmm...let's see where we go...

Pretty good writing up front, but on Page 2, a classic error in Otto's 1st dialogue - ALWAYS, and I repeat, ALWAYS, set off any name in dialogue with a comma.

Page 4 - Writing is good.  I just don't like the asides and unnecessary dialogue, which seems forced much of the time.  I'm along for the ride, though.

Page 5 - This is way overwritten and because of that, it loses its power.

The montage...as written...doesn't quite work...but it could...and should.

The ending is a letdown.  So is the dialogue, especially from Otto.

Overall, not bad at all, but could have been so much better.

I'll throw out a rare Good Effort.

Grades

Challenge Parameters - B

Script/Story/Execution - B-  

Written well. A very strange mix, most parts I liked, some I didn't. I guess my biggest gripe was the endless chatter towards the end, definitely takes a toll on the reader. I would've liked a little more complexity within the characters and story -- but I might be alone on that. Not a bad effort at all, but I'm not entirely sure whether it meets the guidelines for horror. Nice work.

This started off well and the writing was good, I was just waiting for the horror element and it didn't come. It read a lot more like a Thriller than a Horror.

Overall a decent effort

I'm going to say that, out of the roughly 36 scripts in this contest, this one is probably my favourite. I like the idea of adapting fairy tales of "The Blue Light" story type to modern-day Vegas. The descriptions are evocative, and the twists are very interesting. I think this fits the Halloween theme (it's a dark and gory tale involving the supernatural) and I enjoyed it a lot...

Not a bad effort,

One of the better scripts of the challenge. I concur with all the previous comments, good premise, but way overwritten. Cutting the dialog by a third would speed things along, and I would take more time with the climax, which seems rushed, and lack any sense of thrills.

Best,

Not familiar with the original fairy tale, but the title conjures up The Genie from Aladdin, as played by the late great Robin Williams.

No FADE IN: at the beginning. How are we seeing what you're describing?

Quoted Text SUPER: "Las Vegas[/b]"[/b]

Anything is SUPER: needs quotation marks.

Quoted Text second[-]rate

Nice foreshadowing.

"Onto" is usually two words.

Quoted Text OTTO Glad to hear it. Bit reckless with the cards[,] weren't you.

Keep large chunks of dialogue to a bare minimum; you're not Shakespeare, or Tarantino.

"'Cos" should be capitalized. Comma before "as well." This is the last comma I'm gonna point out; just know that you have several to work on.

Another great foreshadow.

Nice description.

How do we know "there's more?" These are called unfilmables.

"Go see the cards" could be a separate chunk of dialogue. Find some kind of action, or Doyle's reaction, to break up the long dialogue.

"Doyle’s not happy." Don't tell us he's not happy, show us.

"Nothing to lose." You can drop the asides and not lose anything.

This is the titular Blue Smoke, right?

"A DEALER deals the cards." Redundantly redundant. Change to to something like "A DEALER handles the cards."

You could just say "He grimaces."

"What to do?" Another aside. The last one I'm gonna mention. Just know you have a lot.

Don't capitalize parentheticals unless using proper nouns/names.

"You look like shit." We can see that. Just say "Look at you" or "Shit, look at you."

"Where's the smoke[?]"

Quoted Text DOYLE "They?"

"I don't feel good." Avoid stating the obvious. Never mind.

For flashbacks, this is the preferred way:

Quoted Text BEGIN FLASHBACK. SLUGLINE Doyle smokes the pipe. Otto scratches his butt and belches. Whatever. Blah, blah. END FLASHBACK. NEW SLUGLINE

No FADE IN or FADE OUT.

Challenge/Parameters: B
Formatting: B-
Story: A-

A consider.

I can't make my mind up on this one. Didn’t love it, didn’t hate it. It’s relatively well written and the story is okay. I think it’s just a personal preference kind of thing that I didn’t totally enjoy the story.

I also didn’t think there was much, if any, horror in this one.

It's a consider from me.

A charming tale, not really a horror by any stretch of the imagination but a good beginning, middle and end. Also well written and easy to follow.

What let's this down for me is it is mostly exposition. The dwarf spends most of his dialogue explaining things and this gets tedious after a while so a pass for me but a decent effort.

-Mark

Doyle - do we have a poker fan writing this?

The dialogue seems overlong in places, sort of gives it aTwilight Zone kinda feel. Not a bad thing.

Didn't really get Otto's motivation or why he selected Doyle, seemed a little contrived at times and not really scary.

But well paced and reasonably well written...

Anthony

No real horror but a nice thriller. Fun and intersting. Easy to read. I felt engaged the whole time and wouldn't mind seeing this turned into a feature length script.

Not sure what to make of this one, didn't feel like a horror to me but it was a decent story nonetheless. May give this one a consider as it was written well and flowed nice enough. I could see this being extended longer, I would like to see Otto's reaction to things not goin to plan, perhaps Doyle takes a bit longer to return causing Otto to be nearer to death than he expected.

Good job.

I couldn't see much horror in this.  I think with a story like this to work as a horror, you need more.  When I say more, I just mean if it was a longer story and there was more suspense built in, I thought it would have been better.  However, that's a personal opinion.  With the parameters of the challenge, it's hard to do that.  

I found Otto's dialogue to be cringe worthy at times.  

Interesting idea.  I've never heard of the story it was based off of.

Nice job.

I’m not positive but if you are showing us the Las Vegas sign in the first description, I do not think that you need the SUPER. I know this is tiny but I really hate not seeing FADE IN unless you are doing something creative with your opening.

I wasn’t really into this at first, but the writing gets better and better. The dialogue is quite good and I love the characters.

Good job with the blackjack action lines.  Must be a card player here.

Overall this ended up being one of my favs of the challenge I think.

Great job writer!

You used every line of given space, which is a bad sign to ME that usually shows you have problems to realize your concept as a whole and refuse to take decisions that serve the premise, but rather adhere to your words and most of the ideas to the last possible breath. It's a proven perception of me that I share with writers who do so and may like to reflect on that perspective for once.

Good title.

First scene is a qualified, interesting opening. You may cut some of the dialogues later but for now the situation of a dwarf helping a gambling ex-army is intriguing.

The writing is quite individual. Not bad but I hope story stands in the foreground.

P5 Casino – Up to here it reads more like a kind of adventure/ thriller script.

There's some atmospheric dark tone though.

"What did you expect from a stoned
loser who can see the cards?"

He explains his character here.

At p7 you hang eventually clearly on your dialogues. Characters' dialogues are as long enjoyable until they take the stage completely, get redundant and break the plot and action.

They have far too long conversations. Too many things are explained via dialogue, then the flackback explanation… That isn't live action.

The GREAT live action at the end, that is story. Was it worth to reduce it into the background and prefer those massive chunks of talk?

The premise and dramatic situation was so strong. I just couldn't enjoy how you used it.

It had some moments but with regards to your noticeably huge potential as a writer, which you haven't played off imo, I'm puzzled as to where this went. IMO It's still okay, it's still solid. The premise and some features are intriguing for sure, it just wasn't  the basic kind of execution I could have gone with...

Not really sure this is a horror script, but I'll put that to one side for a moment.

It was really well written, an effortless read and a tale I wasn't aware of. I liked how you brought it into the present, and avoid the temptation for just a couple of tweaks to the original. I believed in the characters and the story worked for me.

Still, it hasn't met the horror brief so not sure I can consider it. It was some really good writing though

Writer,

I enjoyed the set up you gave, and the writing. The dialogue, IMO, was a bit overdone and repetitive and could've been trimmed back.

The story didn't quite work for me because I suppose I wanted something different from this. When Doyle snorted the coke in the montage I knew he was a bad guy. Till then, he was a pretty likeable and sympathetic protagonist, and I wanted him to remain that way. That way, the dwarf still could have remained evil, making the ending have that much more impact.

And the ending, yes, that confused me a little as well.  Wasn't sure if Doyle and that girl ever did get the better of the dwarf in the end or not. But anyway, it was a very good effort for the time allowed. Good job.

Steve

This had a unusual take on an old tale (assuming it's old, I just now read the original). Anyway, the story itself put me in mind of 'Limitless', wherein Cooper's character becomes addicted to a drug that gives him (almost) super human like powers, or as Roger Waters once said: "I've got amazing powers of observation..."

Otto, appearing here as some strange (archaic) being hell bent on living forever by drawing the life force of others, is a bit of a quagmire himself. I envisioned him as 'Peter Dinklage', that children's book author from 'Elf', carrying all his magical, mysterious secrets around in a little black book of his. A modern day wizard with a pompous attitude promising untold riches to those who would heed his advice and, of course, merely give unto him that which he deserves... cold hard cash.

Come to think of it, a dude that old would probably have a consensus of fiat currencies eventually collapsing empires before their time, that being, he lived through several economic downturns. Him asking for something far more tangible in return would paint a better picture of him possessing an insight into how he survived all these years; how he became what he is might be a little more intriguing as to what he has become, IMO. Then, we could assume Doyle is no longer after the just the Blue Smoke when he revisits Otto; he wants it all. The money, the fame, the women and, the ultimate prize...  Otto's immortality.

I enjoyed this one, has promise for something bigger. Best of luck.

This was the best written yet. It was also a super quick read for me and I was really interested in seeing where it went. Alas, I was a little disappointed. The ending seemed rushed and didn't make a whole lot of sense. Up until then it was super smooth and easy to read. Clean the end up and you're onto a winner. I need to know more. Why Otto picked Doyle, and what exactly is Otto?

A consider from me.

Glenn.

I think you did a great job on this.

All of it is pretty good.

I didn't care for the Montage. It disrupts the flow for me and I don't think it benefits your script. I think you could easily get rid of it.

The Woman - Doyle doesn't love her or anything or does he? Why is seeing her gives him strength at the end? Maybe it doesn't.
Actually I kind of missed something I think. Doyle is saved by an accident - Otto slips on the blood. Or maybe the woman gives Doyle the strength and he uses the energy he's got in him to do something - he makes the bowl with blood fall?

I think it would be even better if you established Doyle loving this woman.

Anyway, it's a strong script. Great characters you got there.

Hello! Hello!

You got a solidly written script here. The idea of mixing several fairy tales also interesting, though I can't say that I enjoyed every part. Just like what other readers said, I didn't feel any real horror in your script, but as a thriller, I'll say it's successful! I'll give it a consider

Best,
Kevin

My main objection, and I've seen this before in OWC shorts, is that this story took too many turns down the homestretch. You should have tried to keep this a simpler tale. It's hard to do sometimes, believe me, I've been there.

Having the little fella end up being a creature that needs blood just felt completely random and out of place. And then on top of that, one more twist, with the girl showing up.

Like most OWC's, it lacks a character that we care about or are even interested in. We really know very little about our main character,...which is ok, IF we have some little reason to care to follow him. Here there was not.

I hope this doesn't sound critical, because most OWCs are lacking. This was an easy read at least.

Best opening scene I've read this OWC so far. Works well to set up the characters and the story. Maybe even better if Doyle wouldn't give in and put his gun away so fast, which seemed a bit off.

Otto's heavy dialog in his house to explain it all was kind of boring. Why not play on the mystery part and just let him smoke it without starting an endless backstory monolog? I didn't really care who made the pipe and why and what else they were able and whatnot. Just a gnome which hands him a magic pipe would have worked as well.

Doyle continues to be unbelievable. He's angry he got to Otto's playe "for a smoke" in one second, then nods agreement in the next second. Kind of inconsistent here and I don't see any reason why he would switch his attitude so fast. Same like in the opening scene, where he all of a sudden puts his gun away because the dwarf tells him he's a friend.

The casino scene is cut a bit too much. You don't cash out while still at the table. I guess you ran out of space, but if you dumped Otto's yawning monolog you'd have more room to write this properly. Same goes for the fact that the pipe actually worked and he can see the cards now. Mentioning that in a half-sentence while you use two pages for pointless backstory explainations seems weird.

Twist with the pipe on page 8 doesn't work. Too late and too unprepared to throw in a new element like that this late in the script. I guess you realized late that you had to answer the question why Otto wouldn't use the pipe himself?
The ending seems a bit constructed. Like the bad guy is always hit by a train just seconds before he can shoot the hero. Works for James Bond, but not very convincing here.

I liked the writing which was very visual (aside from the casino part, which I think was cut too much) and I believe there's potential with this setup. Good effort. With a rewrite or two which fixes the problems, this could be great.

Opening slug - You use the word Vegas four times. We get it. It's fucking Vegas. Try instead... "Behind the infamous road sign lies the chaotic backdrop of glitzy hotels and neon signs." Eh?

Also how about "neon lights" instead? You use the word "sign" twice. I try not to unpack individual sentences like this too much, but the first sentence is your first impression. Yours is packed with needless repetition.

Okay. One of my favorite entries thus far. Some actual mystery and tension for a change. Seriously been hard-pressed for the stuff this OWC.

Still, the script could use some tightening. Some awkward phrasing here and there. Take this sentence for example:

"His free arm weakly flails at Otto’s face, who fends it off, until the arm slumps down on top of Doyle’s coat pocket."

The dialogue could also use some work, especially early on. When we first meet the characters, Otto's dialogue reads like platitude after platitude, and Doyle sorta swings between asking questions and being incredulous. Gets boring quick.

I liked the reveal in the end, but boy oh boy, exposition-a-mundo. Why not drop some hints about Otto's age throughout the script? Would be a lot more fun. Same goes for his bloodlust (you don't have to say what kind of creature he is btw; the mystery is more interesting). Other lines, you could straight up leave out, like the fact he drugged the coffee, which is obvious.

I didn't understand the significance of Doyle "breaking the rules" by telling the girl. It only serves as a distraction so Doyle can get the jump on Otto. He could've employed any distraction, really. Plus the girl just fucking leaves. Talk about anticlimactic.

Also, strictly personal, but I'd cut Doyle's final line. It's corny, for one thing, but more than that, "We cheated life" leaves the whole thing with a vague moral slant that I don't think the story needs. Left a bad taste in my mouth, honestly.

Overall, though, a pretty solid entry as is. I mean, it's got its issues, but I feel like if the script were of lesser quality, I might not be so apt to accept the script warts and all. An entertaining read, for sure.

Terrific story, very interesting characters, believable dialogue.  

Doyle is a great character, the kind of role that actors will brag about.

The story takes turns that keep the reader's attention -- the relationship between Doyle and Otto is intriguing, they learn from each other, they're not predictable.

There's something exciting about the ending; Doyle and his lady have defied mysterious forces, the pipe is crushed, cash is retrieved -- and a survivor runs away, back to life.
I'd hope the flashback at the ending is clearly Doyle's memory; as his life fades his will gets stronger...    
These are memorable characters in what is going to be a great film.

OK, last script as I'm down to the wire.  The writing is strong, and I like parts of the story. But probably because I'm rushed here to read and critique, I felt bogged down by the dialogue. It seems you can scale back on this and it would work better. Sorry for not giving this a fair read. I'm on the fence about this script. I wish the horror was better.  Good effort, regardless.

Thanks for the reads, folks.

I knew this was too much for the 10 pages - 12 would have been real handy - but when you ain't got much time, you work with what you have.

It also felt something different to do, which was nice.