The Enchanted Quill by Mark Renshaw (Mark Renshaw)  writing as Prince Urpon Ah-Thyme - Short, Splatter Horror - A troubled young woman seeking answers about her dark past discovers a magic software app that allows her to make wishes comes true, but at a price - each wish costs her a fraction of her soul.

Based on The Enchanted Quill - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Nice effort.

Short and contained. Effectively this a revenge play on magic wishes. The weakness is the one sided nature and to a degree the redundant element of the other characters. I assume there actions are a throw back to the original story??

The flashback to the finding of the app didnt seem to add a huge amount.

I considered some kind of computer app In a modernised version but it didn't float my boat as it felt a little too unlikely and I suppose I feel that here in terms of a lack of magic about the app itself.

But having said all that, it's one script that could be filmed and I think could be tweaked to be made stronger.

Solid entry

This is a morbid tale of sweet revenge. I wasn't aware of it actually until now either. I have a Bros. Grimm book I bought years ago, but the thing is a friggin' tome and I can only read a few passages before my mind wanders off to some outer concept of reality... Bros. Grimm will do that to you.

BTW, I'm aware that this is not Grimm, but feel most, if not all, tales have an allegorical connection to the human psyche. Jung was a proponent of these archetypes that fill our mind with thoughts of murder and debauchery... leaving us wondering how the fuck we can dredge up such concepts of horror... this script encapsulates that concept.

Anyway, that being said, this put me in mind of Donald Marshall and the Cloning Stations...

http://educate-yourself.org/cn/donaldmarshallinterviews30jul14.shtml

You'll have to take it at face value of course but, the overwhelming evidence points to sinister forces at work, doing similar torture in an arena full of freaks. Or, is it that immutable human archetype lurking in his(Donald's) mind, that, if given magical powers to exact retribution on those who made us suffer, would grab the monster by the reigns and have at 'er.

This is also a tale of possession, hence the vomiting of a demonic force controlling the will, another aspect of the human corporeal structure being nothing more than a vessel for whatever personae wants to inhabit it, in this case Milly's form.

Well written. Dark and horrific to say the least, with a great use of visuals to slam this out into the psychotic world of Neverland. Good work.

I read the source material first and am rather clueless...and wondering how or why anyone would attempt this.  We'll see...

Title page looks pretty bad and is not a good sign.

2nd passage ends in an orphan and it's all because you chose to overwrite the character description.  If he's dressed like a "traditional lumberjack", how can we see the veins in his arms?

Not working for me at all. It's ambitious for sure, and very creative and I give you credit for that, but I'm not buying into anythign going on and the tone doesn't seem to fit this fantastic voyage you've started.

No grade

This was pretty good effort, and a pretty gory one. Maybe leaned on that a bit too much. After reading the original story I was pleasantly surprised to see the “loses her soul bit by bit” part was an original addition. I really liked that aspect of it and feel the story could benefit from concentrating on that more.

The flashback of her finding the app didn't really add much. I would also suggest making Malcolm guilty of something less horrific than child molestation. By making him such a monster, you justify everything that happens to him right up front when the thing that's most intriguing about the story is watching Milly’s state of mind become darker and darker with every wish. By making her the victim of such a horrific crime, it's hard to see that her soul’s not lost from the get-go, There's no progression to track. And when she turns to guy number two, I have no idea what to expect. Unless he molested her too, why would he be in danger?

I like what the ending was trying to do, but it doesn't work for me because we haven't seen her go from normal to soulless. Too much of what happens to Malcolm depends on who he is and not what the app is, which undercuts the gist of the story, imo.

This was very interesting and out of the box. I was curious to see where it was going. And hers is a nice character.

I don't see the point in having all three of the men there. I think you could get rid of the other two.

It got a bit repetitive for me. She was telling the quill to do stuff to Malcolm over and over and telling Malcolm that he broke her soul over and over. So in a way, the scenes lost the conflict for me. Maybe if Malcolm did something back. At least talked back - and he tried somewhere int he middle, which I really liked.

The flashback - I'm not sure if you need it. Whatever is in it - she retold through dialog.

I think you could cut some of the dialog. Her angry dialog, the stuff she tells the quill to do to Malcolm - everything that's a repetition should go in my vision.
Otherwise it's a really unique entry and a very good idea.

As a whole I really enjoyed this. I thought it was well written and a quick, easy read.

My only issue is that I didn’t really feel anything for Milly, and to honest I found her to be quite an unlikable character. I’m not sure if that’s what you were going for.

I still thought it was a great effort. In my top 3 at this point and I only have 5 left to read.

It’s a recommend from me.

I loved Milly. I thought this was a smooth, intriguing read. I haven't read the original, but I'm not going to do that and try to read the OWC's as well. I loved the introduction of the iPad - I thought that worked well and I'm assuming that that wasn't in the original.

I couldn't fault this, I really enjoyed it.

You are really good with descriptions, Prince. Flowed well and easy to read.

I don't know the original story, so I didn't know where this was going. Horrifying stuff. But really witty too, ie "fucking microtransactions" ;P

I enjoyed this, it will be a reccomend.

Small nitpick - the introduction of the third (and most important) man was a bit thin compared to the good descriptions of the other two.

I thought it was quite okay, a little too predictable after all. I had hoped for a twist, where the soul debt thing backfires on her in some way in the end, but it didn't happen. The horror of the descriptions of what she lets Malcolm do were very good and imaginable. Well written too, it was a quick and easy read.

One of the better scripts so far.

Why do you describe a bald man when it turns out he got a name, Malcolm…? Not a fatal mistake but simply irritating.

Bottom p1/p2- Another confusing moment I had here concerning the ipad, read it 3 times till I got what visually happens.

Okay, not completely there yet. Once I was familiar how she can use that tool, also visually understanding things, it was getting better and better. There were some dragging slow parts but hell there was also some real tension rising.

At first, I only found your script solid but the more I thought and think about the script I read only few moments ago, the better I like it. It feels NEW. There's an unfamiliar degree of absurdity that is very striking. Nothing really fits together, the bird, Ipad, butler, flashbacks, a pedophile… the tone between caustic wit and ruthlessness. etc.  Nothing matches. And that's the great thing to experience in this story here. As said, it feels new, fresh, and free. Rollercoaster-style. It works for me. Good job.

I quite like this one.

It was like some other worldly revenge movie, with elements of Hard Candy chucked in. There were horror elements there, so you've got that down, and whilst it moved quickly and jumped all over the place, it didn't lose me.

I'll give it a consider

I didn't think this was too bad.  I thought the dialogue for Milly was a little off, but that's just my opinion.  I don't have much for you on this one, I think everyone has said it already.  

I thought the scene with Malcolm was good.  The imagery was brutal, but in a good way.  

I'm torn on this one.

I like the idea at its core, and the script mostly does well to quantify it into words but... I feel as if there's this constant escalation throughout the script that doesn't really end up anywhere. There's a very simple story at its core, which seems to be the biggest problem.

The concept is good, a subtle revenge story almost -- but I would've liked to see some lows as well as some highs. But right now, there's a wish, there's torture, more wishes, more torture, and for ten pages, it gets tiring -- not quickly mind you, but it does wear you down. There just needs to be a little more here, some headbutting, some conflict, just some...story really. As it stands though, it's a very decent effort for a week's worth, and one of the better entries I've read thus far. Good effort.

Notes:
Wow!  Okay, that was interesting.  Glad I looked up the tale before reading.  Modern version of this tale of revenge.  Writing was good enough to keep things going.  I could picture it all on “screen” in my head.  The violence seemed just about right for the story and good enough to call this horror.  Interesting ending because I thought it would turn out different – or maybe I’m just tired.  When Milly is narrating in the flashback, there was one instance I thought you should have a pause:

MILLY (V.O.)
Then one day, she found a magic application which would grant her all her wishes. Break his fingers.

Plus,  when she started the voiceover and then had the Quill do these things to Malcolm, it was a little confusing at first.  I got it, but just make sure it’s all clear what’s going on.  Some might want to know more about the butler and lumberjack, but I say it’s much better not knowing and makes her last line appropriate.  Good job overall, especially for a OWC.  One of the better ones so far.

Met Challenge?: Yes
Horror: Yes
Overall: Recommend

This was very ambitious and you actually pulled it off. I like how you made her act increasingly indifferent and disturbed as she lost more of her soul with each transaction. The whole snorting blood and saying "Fuck yeah!", the fried chicken line, not sure you could have pulled off the transformation into soulless any better.

Only improvement I can think of is to have more of a back and forth with Malcolm at the end. Have him trying desperately to talk her down from the brink and she's actually wavering at certain points. He reminds her what a good, kind person she used to be... trying to convince her to stop before it's too late and her soul is consumed forever. So there's more uncertainty and tension as the last bit of her soul fights back against the dark.

Creative take on the challenge and high level of execution = RECOMMEND.

Was wondering what the lumberjack and the butler had to do with this apart from the bit at the end and then checked out the original fairy tale, I see now why you put them in but maybe have them more involved.

As others have said, flesh this out a it more, have a more back and forth tense 'interrogation' with Malcolm and think about if the flashback is needed. Is there's some other way we can find out about the microtransactions without her just telling us exposition wise?

-Mark

Writer,

That was good. Smooth read, questions answered, and a little zinger of a last line. Set up well, and adhered just enough to the source material for it to be recognizable (unlike mine). My only nitpick here, and this would be in keeping with the tongue-in-cheek tone of your script, is I would have the butler and the other guy do some really whacky repetitive shit that would have tried to be either laugh out loud funny, or totally gross. IMO, it would have given this script the extra zing it needs. But that's me.

As is -- one of my favs so far! Good job.

Steve

I liked this one, dark and twisted and well written too.

Like the updating and the modern touches like the App, good effort.

Anthony

One of the better efforts, although I did not understand the ending. Would appreciate an explanation when the names go up. Beyond that, a solid concept with potentially complex minutia put in order in a week's time, which could've been difficult to pull off. On top of that, strong, clear writing that flows nicely.

My gripes with this one are personal in nature. For the life of me, I can't find anything related to apps, social media, and the like scary. The one exception might be the Deep Web (and what you can find there), which is featured here, but you go a supernatural route with it, so it almost doesn't matter where Milly found the app in the first place. I feel like we spend so much time on our phones and devices nowadays that it's almost impossible to make that space feel uncomfortable, unless you go a more realistic route, like the Deep Web or doxxing.

On top of that, these are clearly bad dudes in this room, so nothing Milly does to them really has any impact. Her dialogue seems like it's trying too hard to be edgy as well. I think it would've been more effective to make her a little more wirey and damaged. It'd make a lot more sense too, considering this is a victim of abuse taking revenge on her abusers.

Not familiar with the fairy tale. Didn't bother to check it out. On its own terms, though, pretty effective. Good job. Congrats on entering.

The ending of this story in part confused me.

I had no problem with the writing. Easy to get through.

I'm not so sure about the math here. She loses 5% with every wish.  It seems the writer believes that means she has 20 wishes. But that's not really how percentages work. Open your calculator and try it. It might be better to just say she gets 20 wishes, or a more manageable number, like 10. After that, what's left of her soul belongs to...to what? The app?

See, unless I missed something, the app was not explained. And strangely, the middle is dedicated to explaining the app, even with video on the computer...but it doesn't really explaine who made it, where its magic comes from. It just gives the transaction rules: 5% per wish.

But then apparently this wish is transferable? By command of the person using the app?

The key seemed to be black puke becoming regular puke, indicating some kind of cleansing. The cleansing indicating a restoration of her soul.

So I believe what the writer is trying to show is this: the girl is wounded, but not evil. She only wants to know why these men abandoned her. But the power of using the app to find these answers blackens her soul, little by little, causing her to become more sadistic and eventually downright evil.

There's a clever attempt in all that, there really is. The writer is exploring how abuse leads to guilt on the part of the victim, and then finally evil, in a circular progression of the abuse.

But what makes the girl ask the app to transfer her debt to the boiler man, thereby restoring her own soul? I mean if she is evil at that point, why does she care?

This does not get a consider from me, it's just too much for me to buy into with apps and magic...but I do really appreciate the writer's effort to explore this theme in so colorful a way. On that, good worjk, thatnks for contributing!!

Some notes.

Not a bad effort.  A bit of cliche but I'll buy it.  

Best
Richard

Additional thought:

Maybe it would be a good idea if the girl in the early going is vulnerable, almost sweet, a wounded creature. We would really feel for her. She just wants answers.

Then as she uses the app we see her turn evil and sadistic, as her soul blackens.

This not only would work better to explore the theme, but it creates the effect of having is CARE about her soul. We don't want to see her lose it, we don't want to see her become evil, it pains us to see the sweet, wounded girl change. Since we don't care about the men, we HAVE to care about her fate.

I'm not a fan of anyone in this script, except maybe the butler.  He seems cool.

Milly gets kidnapped at 8 years old by a 33-year-old man and doesn't miss her family after a while?
Okay...perhaps her family were abusive assholes...I can buy that, but you didn't say that.

I have a daughter, and any time I read a script where a young girl is kidnapped I just want to reach into the story and strangle the asshole doing it.  So perhaps I'm biased going into this script.

As far as the writing goes:  There's room for improvement.  

The dialogue was on-the-nose.  
It didn't flow well.
And this was just a modern retelling of the original.

There was no explanation as to why she had the other two men open/close doors, and put on/take off boots.  Had I not read the original, that wouldn't have made any sense.

Close but no cigar.

Jordan.

Enchanted Quill, don’t make me as
twice!    ... missed your 'k'


Not bad a pretty solid entry.

Milly was quite the bitch and very unlikeable if that's what you were going for. The writing itself was very good.
I honestly didn't read the original story, running out of time...  I'm sure there were reasons for the other 2 characters. Specifically as you set it up that way with the last line.

good work writer

This is a fanatastic revenge story.

Good writting on display with nothing I could pick up that hinders the read.

I really liked the use of the app pulling this along. Very clever.

Congratulations

Title page is wonky.

FADE IN:

No bold slugs.

Your opening slug doesn't suck.

Quoted Text One is fitted out in traditional LUMBERJACK clothes. Early 30’s, looks like he’s been chiselled into shape by a master craftsman.

Eliminate the orphan.

iPad??? What year is this? Pet peeve confession: I'm not crazy about cell phones or the like in horror/slasher movies because help is right at their fingertips.

You didn't tell us the other two guys were captives. This is Malcolm, right?

Quoted Text It's me[.] Milly!

Reads better. Someone (the actress?) might think she's talking to herself. :p

"You do remember me..." Try to make this a little less OTN. Add more subtext. Show that she's pleased... or not.

Blackbird sitting in the dead of night. Is it just one or is it "four and twenty" of them?

"Hello there[,] Princess."

Quoted Text BEGIN/END FLASHBACK[.]

You forgot to return to the previous (pre-flashback) scene, which you slug immediately after "END FLASHBACK."

A few minor comma issues, but nothing that's taking me out of the story.

The "Prince Charming" dialogue might be a bit too OTN.

Quoted Text MILLY You were my Prince Charming. You made me feel special. After a while I didn’t even miss my family.

Or

Quoted Text MILLY You were my Prince Charming. You made me feel special. After a while I didn’t even miss my family.

Whichever sounds more natural, especially when spoken aloud.

iPads and the word "Fuck." We're definitely not in "Once upon a time" anymore.  

And the word "Bitch" to boot? Very modern and spunky. I like it.  

Quoted Text She grasps him impulsively, plants a big kiss on his forehead; he's drenched in sweat.

Orphan-busting.

The nail thing could easily be done with practical effects rather than CGI.

Seven lines! I'd trim it some.

Quoted Text MILLY OK, lets have a bit of fun. Enchanted Quill, let’s show him through my memories how you and I got together. I get to narrate, turn off the annoying strangling bird noises and keep the fuck up with my commands!

"almost[-]empty"

"while browsing her iPad[.]"

"in all the wrong places."

Quoted Text MILLY That’s better. Now I bet you are hungry after all you’ve been through. How about you chew on your own bone like it’s the best Kenfuckity Fried Chicken ever!

I. Love. This. Line!  

Lots of white space at the bottom. Page break? What program are you using?

"Enchanted Quill, don't make me as[k] twice!"

Quoted Text MILLY That’s what you did to me. You fucked me up so bad you made me think I loved you. Then you discarded me like a piece of sour meat. Well now it’s my turn! [action break] MILLY Enchanted Quill, force him slowly to shove his head onto his bone, through his eye and into that pedophilic diseased brain.

Great stuff, but break it up or trim.

Quoted Text MILLY Enchanted Quill, transfer all my debt to Malcolm’s soul. Let this disgusting fat fuck rot for eternity in the bowels of hell.

Another great line!

Specific deities and gods, such as the Judeo-Christian God, (and all pronouns thereof) are capitalized to show reverence. P.S. Is she quoting the Talking Heads? This is the second script with dialogue that reminded me of "Once in a Lifetime."

Quoted Text Wiping her chin and with her back to Malcolm.

Sentence fragment.

You end at the top of page 9. You had room for more.

Wow. Despite a few nitpicks noted above, this really stands out among the best. Recommend. A+

This very much was a vomit draft. I started it Thursday night, finished it Friday night so thanks to all who managed to get past the orphans and typos. Also thanks to those who pointed them out, as it makes my job easier for the next draft, especially @Chris who went into superb detail. Thanks Chris

The original story is quite bonkers, mental in fact. Not much of it makes sense but there's a section where the girl is given a feather from a Blackbird and the bird tells her whatever she writes with it will come true. Why? Coz magic, that's why!

She uses it to make herself better at her job as a cook in a castle. So she had quite noble, sweet and maybe naive intentions at the beginning. Three guys then try to…  well basically I read it as they try to rape her on three separate occasions. One is a caretaker, another a hunter and the last guy is a servant. She uses the quill to make them do mundane, repetitive tasks all night like open and close a door, or take off and put back on their boots. This puts them off their raunchy appetites as you can imagine.

Later they join forces and conspire against her but she again uses the quill to thwarts their evil intentions. This time she makes them whip each other. To me this showed the power was corrupting her and she was using the wishes in a more extreme fashion.

Thus the idea for this script was born. A woman with a troubled past who has been abused in different ways by three men. She is already a bit broken by her experiences and has developed an unhealthy obsession for these guys. She finds a dark magic app on the Black Web (which is a more dangerous version of the Dark Web) and uses it to try and get some sort of closure with her past.

Each use corrupts her soul a tiny amount. One comment said she should start off sweeter so we care for her more. However, when the script starts she's already made several wishes. We don’t know how many but she’s at least wished these guys to be whisked away from wherever and restrained by magical means. Her soul is already corrupted. I hope the flashback to show she was taken as a child will make the audience care for her.

So she's not quite sweet and innocent but she is fairly stable and just about in control. This slips after a few more wishes and her desire for answers quickly turns into sadistic revenge.

Why does she use her last wish to cleanse her soul? If she doesn't she can't get any more wishes. She has two guys left to interrogate, plus who wouldn't want an endless number of wishes if you could utilise such a loophole? Once she does, she feels a massive amount of remorse and regret. She does turn 'normal' and sweeter, that's what I tried to get across anyway. But she carries on; promising herself that this time with her second ‘love’ it will be different. She's locked in a vicious, destructive cycle and seeking closure she'll never receive.

Some of the comments suggested the flashback showing her finding the app was not necessary. I want the audience to know where she got this app from and especially the information about the microtransactions but I don't want her to just tell him using exposition filled dialogue. I thought the flashback would be an ideal way of doing this so any ideas are welcome.

Thanks for all the reviews and comments. This has been the best OWC ever in terms of good response for me and I'm very pleased!

-Mark

Congrats on the success of your story, Mark!

Quoted Text Each use corrupts her soul a tiny amount. One comment said she should start off sweeter so we care for her more. However, when the script starts she's already made several wishes. We don�t know how many but she�s at least wished these guys to be whisked away from wherever and restrained by magical means. Her soul is already corrupted. I hope the flashback to show she was taken as a child will make the audience care for her.

Yeah, I was aware of that reason, but the problem is we have little reason to care for her or anyone in the story. Yes, there is an element of sympathy because of what happened to her, but we only experience that on an intellectual level because we never see what she was before she was abducted.

It's not that she needs to be all sweet at the beginning, but maybe if we see her struggling, where we see a good side of her, a vulnerable side, and also the other side.

It's really difficult to make an audience care about a character or the stakes of the story in only 10 pages. Very, very few OWCs manage it. But if we don't care about the character or the stakes in a story, it's almost not even a story. So it's a huge challenge.

Maybe another way would be this: what if one of the men tied up was not really bad. Maybe he was a boyfriend that cared about her and left her because of her problems. Maybe she's drug addicted because of her abuse, and he couldn't fix it. He cares about her, but his leaving still make her feel like yet another man used her and left her. So he kind of tries to coax her away from her sadistic urges with the magic app.

I'm not actually suggesting a rewrite, OWCs aren't worth the time. I bring this up just as discussion because this is how we all learn...I learn from reading these, I learn from hearing what the writer intended.

In my entry, I had a different problem. In trying to make us care about the central characters, I opened with a scene that felt too out of place with the story. In other words, I tried to add too much, a mistake I make a lot. That wasn't my only problem, but it was the biggest one.

For anyone interested, new draft uploaded based on all the great feedback.


The Enchanted Quill

Mark,
     Congrats on the second place finish.  I must say that you are ONE SICK FUCK.  I mean that lovingly of course.    Wait, I'm sorry, I feel compelled to stick my head into my computer.  God, I hate it when that happens.

DO you have that software??  I'd get hookers, lots of hookers...

It kinda reminded me of my first entry last year about the woman god who enslaves a serial killer.  

I was confused as to how she was able to transfer the debt.  I was counting wishes and I think she was well over 20, but, that's okay.

I LOVED the ending.  The only thing worse than watching some random ex-lover eat himself to death (while losing his teeth) is to have to have sex with the nutcase.  

And you know they HAVE to make her happy.  

And you know what?  Everyone hates pedophiles, so, yeah, this worked.  Very well done, my friend.  There's a hot woman-god smiling down at you right now.  

I wish you had more time to write this.  It was fun.

Dan

Thanks Dan. Gad you liked it, now I don't have to request Enchanted Quill do something nasty to you! Also, glad to see you back on the boards.



-Mark