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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2K16 One Week Challenge  ›  The Golden Ball - OWC
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  Author    The Golden Ball - OWC  (currently 2826 views)
irish eyes
Posted: October 20th, 2016, 8:00pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group


There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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Not bad.

Why Forrestor threw money just to prevent her from being hanged only to send her to the dungeons really doesn't make sense... If you had a choice between death or slow agonizing torture forever, i'd go with death.

Not sure what the Golden ball is other than the place where a few witches slayed the town.

The writing was good and the story was ok

Good job


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SAC
Posted: October 22nd, 2016, 8:11am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Writer,

Pretty good writing here. I was towards the end, rolling my eyes at the way Evelyn escaped, then you threw that last little twist at me and it worked. Good job. I didn't feel this was overwritten. Actually had a good flow to it. Mrs. Hutchins appearance, I feel, needs to be rewrites slightly, whether it's her manner, her dress, or the way she goes about her business -- perhaps that character needs a little meat to it, a little foreshadowing. Good story AND good writing.

Steve


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JakeJon
Posted: October 23rd, 2016, 3:14pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group


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This one really got me going.  Thought I heard Led Zeppelin backing the woman's voice in the dungeon." Gallows Poles".  Great!    Would have enjoyed a stronger finish for Evelyn. Too much OTN explaining at the end maybe.
All an all a good effort.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: October 24th, 2016, 6:31pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


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Decent title, good logline

I like the opening scene. The second one too. The last act wasn't 100% my taste. It felt expositional and a verbal resolution of things that are not directly motivated through the active plot I saw before. Otherwise, it's a good entry with a lot of suspense within the dungeon.



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Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: October 24th, 2016, 7:19pm Report to Moderator
New


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Notes:
Some strange word choices at the beginning and over-writing as well.  For example:
In the center a cluster of angry citizens surround a young woman with her head and hands in stocks, the wood soaked with the juices and splattered with the chunks of rotten food.
And:
A halt is called as the local sheriff, ALDRED (47), saunters over to the stocks. With one elbow planted on the stock he leers over Evenlyn, teeth showing decay.
And page 4:
The flame of a torch carried in one of his hands gives off a shuddering light revealing a bowl in his other hand with unknown contents and coils of rope wrapped around his shoulder.

These just are worded weird to me.  I’m sure when you have time on the re-write, you’ll be able to make it shine!  There’s more, but need to get on to the story.

Okay done.  Well, it’s not my cup of tea.  It's just my opinion, I didn’t care much for the characters and was a bit confused at the end with the ghosts.  But, congrats on completing an entry in the OWC!

Met Challenge?: Yes
Horror: Some
Overall: Pass


My Scripts:
SHORTS
Bed Bugs
I Got The Shaft
No Clowning Around
Fool's Gold
Five Days for Redemption

TELEVISION
Father, Forgive Me
Sheriff of Nowhere
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ChrisBodily
Posted: October 26th, 2016, 10:34am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



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A few grammar and punctuation issues, and run-on sentences. Lots of orphans. But the story was so good that I could forgive some of it.

Dialogue, for the most part, was nice.

Challenge/Parameters: A+
Story/Execution (No pun intended): A+
Horror: A+
Formatting/Tech: C
Overall: A

A soft recommendation.


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