Warren, I'm not "calling you out", just asking.

And personally, I disagree with what you're saying here.  Horror in the sense of this challenge, is simply a genre of script/film.  Anything having to do with anything "horrific", done in a serious tone, and "for reals", qualifies as horror.

It's really not a personal opinion.  You may not be horrified by much or anything, but the genre of horror is pretty easy to understand.

I wonder whether this is the entry of someone to whom English is a second language. May be I'm wrong but some of the phrasing seemed off, as though the translation didn't quite work. If so, well done in entering. If not, then it did feel awkward in parts.

A secret sister, love with her brother, a vampires curse, etc a lot going on here, and much in line with the genre requirements.

I suppose my concern would be there is too much, that it could be simplified for a short, and that we don't get to know much as it runs around. The idea that the father is happy to kill the mother and effectively child but then awaken her, knowing what she would be - I assume - felt quite a reversal.

But overall, this was a worthy entry.

I like this concept. I think you've got a story here with all the right ingredients. There's the whole peasant versus royalty thing, love, betrayal, action, supernatural elements, etc. But the dialogue just isn't there yet. Keep in mind the time period we're in and the age of your characters.

Quoted Text HARRY Gross in a sexy way.

We're in medieval times, "gross" is not in their lexicon.

Quoted Text SNOW Our type. I�m so sick of being put in a type. We are all the same Ma Ma. Love sees no type. It only sees the heart.

I like what you're trying to set up here but it's not subtle enough. Maybe take an angle with the whole biting thing and go with something like "He bleeds the same as any man". That's not great either, but generally try and stay away from characters saying in explicit detail exactly what they're thinking. The line I just suggested still conveys everything in your four sentences. And it brings back the whole vampire thing, implying that in the back of her mind what she's really thinking about is all the delicious blood coursing through his veins. So you get everything you said originally, plus a new element, in one line of dialogue.

Quoted Text SNOW Nonsense! Are you saying I�ve just committed incest, Ma Ma? Please tell me no! It cannot be!

Again, this is what she might be thinking in her head, but she's not gonna say it. It's too melodramatic. I don't think she has to say anything, just have her react with a look of shock and it'll mean the exact same thing.

Generally, if you can convey something without dialogue go with that. A stern glance, a look of wide-eyed terror, an awkward silence, these moments can sometimes convey just as much as four lines of dialogue. And if you do need to have a character speak, generally look for a way to convey the most meaning in the shortest amount of words. I'm saying generally a lot because I don't want you to take this as a rule you have to follow at all times. It may in fact be counterproductive in some situations. Still something to keep in mind though.

Love the premise of a vampire Snow White! And I love the sacrifice the mother makes.

Then we meet Snow later, partly grown up, and she's kind of a "good" monster. I like that also.

I get what you're trying with the dialog, but I think it would work better to make it sound more real. Or more royal, but still more human.

Lots of potential in this concept! The writing feels slightly rushed, maybe a deadline thing. Not bad, just very rushed.

Snow as a vampire would be worth pursuing as a bigger concept, except the Huntsman has brought Snow off the market for a generation.

Good work.

Title and logline don't hook me… both too open to interpretation

All right. Another super fanciful narrative and for me definitely coming more from literature world.

You hit the original pretty damn well, it almost felt like a soap-opera, which to me the fairytale around Snow White clearly is, with all those relationships, mother-daughter, prince-princess, dwarfs act like siblings etc.

It was short on horror for my taste. Big fairytale feeling - more a story than a movie, must been said. It had interesting features regarding the original educational part fairytales originally include!!!! You remind me of that and I appreciate that habit of you in this challenge...

I'm not sure if the dialogue in this one is mean to be funny in places, but some of it is very funny!

So we have the killing of a vampire mother, incest, family intrigue, twin sister, killing a king... wow, lots crammed in... and I kinda liked it.

There's a certain charm to the OTT nature of it all, I think if re-written focusing on the comedy then this could work.

Decent effort

The action lines weren't very good and I had trouble to finish this. Had to read a couple of lines several times before I understood what you wanted to say. I finished it, but to be honest, I thought it was quite boring. No real horror which grabbed me, and the story was predicatable as dead fish from page one. Why does every story need a vampire or a zombie nowadays? It's so overdone...

Sorry, no offence.

So, who is Snow? I'm a bit confused with the bloodline if people don't know who's related to whom. And if she's a vampire, how is it she's out and about during the day?

She watches an apple get laced with silver and she takes a bite anyway?

And of course we can't see what is being said (p5).

What about the skeletons and bones of people past? Are they dancing in the woods or strewn about?

A bit overwritten with some unfilmables (she concentrates to listen to Helena's heartbeat?).

I'd write more but I've a pot of smoldering silver boiling over in the kitchen.

Pass.

Very apealling story with a nice twist at the begining and near the end.
But some of the scences  seems a litte bit out of  context. Like the drawfs.

From My POV; Helena revealed to fast the truth. The inner fight with her principles and her feelings was missing.
Apart of that great narration  - good work.

A few punctuation gaffes, but nothing too serious. Dialogue could be tightened up.

Do you have any actresses in mind for Helena Carter?

Coincidentally, there was a SW movie with Kristen Stewart, fresh off Twilight.

A strong consider; a rec with a rewrite. A-