Pinocchio: A Nose for Flesh by Caleb

Desperate to become a real boy, Pinocchio must first learn to curb one particularly unsavory eating habit.

Short Gothic Horror based on The Adventures of Pinoccio

Yup, liked this one.  Easy to read, written well.  The story was good.  It had me hooked throughout.  

Whoever wrote this did a great job.  

My favourite so far.

Nolan

Definitely the best so far. And I think I might call it early and say that this might win it.

Good tension and horror elements. The writting flows well and it's a very good twist on the classic tale. Not sure what anyone could really find wrong with this one.

Is a resounding recommend from me.

Great job.

First one I've read. Nice job. Well written and so reads pretty good. Potential creepy visuals with some dread thrown in. Thin plot imo but there's only so much you can get into a 6-10 page script.

I'll give it an A

Great twist on the original story, creepy and very well written. This tale of creating a Boy from earthly form to satisfy a yearning for his lost wife, unfortunately, showed a disconnect from Geppetto's reasoning,IMO.

Perhaps if there was an indication of he and his (lost) wife always wanting a boy but she died too early to bear him another child... that would make his actions better understood. As it stands, his quest and longing should have forced him to initially (re)create his wife from earthly elements and, by the divine grace of God, would the forces beyond return his beloved wife unto him. Then, in a supernatural indulgence, they create a boy of flesh and wood together... a wretched Homunculus, similar to the beings that the Grandfather's of Alchemy would conceive.

IMO, The sudden apathy that Geppetto had toward Pinocchio shows that nothing could fill the void left behind from his wife's death. For some, it's like losing their reflection, or shadow. The need to satiate that void with a wooden boy, lest a wooden boy be the final solution to his emptiness, was a lost cause in the first place.

Geppetto is a true Alchemist by the definition of the term. Tim Burton's '9' played on this theme wonderfully, however, the creator (Father) died giving birth to his creation. Your tale is rife with allegorical interpretations of this fantastic art lost to circumstance. The initial quest intended to understand the forces of nature, to govern them, and will them in and out of existence without giving your own life force in return, is the ultimate goal of Alchemy... Geppetto failed in this task but, I think that's what you intended to show us.

Magical tale of woe, I really like this one...

That was fun.

I have a few nitpicks here and there but ultimately this was well written throughout.

If I had to choose something to change, it would be the line, "...since mother died."  It's unnecessary.  Cut it.

Well done.

Jordan

Wow - that was fucked up, really fucked up but in a truly remarkable and good way!

If you think about it, the idea of a boy made of wood coming to life and living with a family is pretty disturbing to begin with. Disney made it look wonderful, you made it really creepy and wrong. Then you took it to the next level and made it even darker and far more disturbing.

I must admit when it was revealed that Pinocchio was eating people, this did drag me out of the story briefly. I was like, 'How does something made or wood eat anything?' but then I just shrugged and thought' 'coz magic, that's why' and dived back in. However ,it did take me out of the story for a moment, so I'd just consider if the story needs this or if it needs exploring more.

The ending is just superb. I think this would need a decent budget to do the story justice but man, I'd love to see this one produced. I think it could start off it's own franchise!

Well written and a fantastic dark, horrific spin on the original.

Top marks, a rec from me.

-Mark

This was deffinitely great. You know what you're doing. I wish I knew what I was doing.

The characters - superb
The story - superb
The overall idea - superb
Dialog - my o my
The horrifying aspect - very much present

But listen I think you should rethink the ending. Don't horror movies finish on a positive note usually - maybe you could save the girl. Make him think he killed Elisa or something. This ending was abrupt and too gruesome.

I've seen something like before in a festival.

It's OK. It was very talky and all the killing came out of nowhere.

It's a typical Frankenstein story, however, in that story humans treated the monster very badly, thus explaining why he became bitter and angry against the world. It shone a light on the human condition.

Here there is no real justification. There's the girl's attitude towards him, but she's never really nasty, and the creators indifference, but neither were really developed.

Without some deeper, underlying investigation into the motivation, it doesn't really work, I'm sorry to say.
It's just violence, we learn nothing.

I think we also need to see more about the creator and his desire to create life in the absence of his wife.

The real story is why the creator made him, what was missing from his life that made him create this doll. Then that motivation needs to be twisted somehow so that it becomes the thing that drives the doll crazy.

For example: Let's say the creator is exceptionally lonely, so creates the doll. He then refuses to let the doll out of his sight, because he's scared of losing him, and it drives the doll mad.  

Very well written, though.

It's a crazily hard challenge, and you've told a coherent, if a somewhat old hat, story so you definitely deserve respect for that. It's very hard to make anything meaningful from these stories and I won't be surprised if no-one's really managed it.

Rick

Great, great job. About as fine as can be expected from an OWC.

The writing itself is perfectly done, and if any rule worshipers find significant flaw with it, it will be a sign of just how far from common sense some people have strayed.
'
The story has incredible potential for expansion, IMO. Very familiar tale, yet the images could be truly haunting. Man, I would love to write a version of this in prose if you want to hire me!

Of course, the story, constrained as it was by 10 pages, didn't quite work. But this writer CLEARLY has the talent to fix it once outside the OWC limitation.

What needs to be expanded on or adjusted is the reason Geppetto turned on the puppet. I mean there was no reason at all, other than a suggestion of madness(based on the dog reference by the daughter), but that of course is not sufficient at all. I mean one minute the puppet is his prized replacement for his son, the next the father turns on him for no reason.

But this is a perfect example of how an OWC is a perfect chance to play with various elements of a concept. This is a classic Frankenstein story. In an expanded version, we would see more of why the father turns, and why the puppet becomes so evil. But the writer wanted to save room for his big horror element, where the puppet kills and takes the skin. Which I do think could be good in film, so it was worth sacrificing in the quality of this short in order to float out that concept.

Excellent work!

This doesn't leave much of an emotional mark, the characters are all shallow and unsympathetic at this point...but that will certainly be fixed on the expanded version. I will be surprised if another script has this overall quality in this OWC, so outstanding! And if you need a prose version, my door is open!

EDIT: one more thought

Why the bit about the wife? He alreasy has the missing son, that's the point about the Pinnochio story isn't it? Or maybe they didn't have a son on your story, I forget...maybe he just wanted one, and now that the wife is dead he can't have one. Well, nothing wrong with that, but might be better to stay with the tradional son replacement angle.

I want to point out, this how pro writing looks. Not because it's some special style, but because it is simply the most effective style. You have to liberate yourself from rules in order to do this.

Some examples:

Elisa carries a basket of clothes towards the cottage. Stops
when she sees

A SWARM OF FLIES

Swirling around a patch of brush.

She steps closer. Reaches out a hand, pushes foliage aside --
Bruno�s HEADLESS BODY lies prone, stomach torn open as if
devoured, maggots squirming inside.

That's how it's done, fellas.

Another one:

Running through the deepest part of the forest.

Branches slashing at her face and hair.

The canopy above thick as smog.

Note the forbidden "ing" word. Much more effective than trying to make sense of Branches slash at her face.

This is an example of effective writing style. The images are clear, the action is felt.

I enjoy SUPERS telling us where and when we are.  A personal preference is not to have the SUPER until a scene is set/begins.

Elisa and Juliet seem much older than their ages and even seem to have some say over Geppetto, who appears to be their father.

But...writing is god out of the gate, and is the 3rd or so script in a row with solid writing, which is nice to see.

Lots of orphans popping up.

Page 4 - "Thin, tendriled clouds stretched across a grey dawn." - This is a nice line and very visual, but there's a problem - "stretched" - wrong verb tense - just use "stretch" - much better this way.

Some missing words here and there and some awkward phrasings now popping up.

Way too many wrylies being used.  They're rarely necessary, and you should use them very sparingly.

Page 8 - Great gore writing and effects.  Well done!

Page 9 - As I often say, I detest when writers leave out the subject of a line...probably in an attempt to make it appear like they're not starting the majority of their lines with the same subject over and over.  Here's a good example of why it's a mistake -

"Back against the trunk, drenched in sweat, an eerie silence settled over the forest around her." - At first read, this line sounds awkward and even confusing...and it is, actually, as the incorrect verb tense has been used again, but if we knew for sure this line was about Elisa (and I actually had to go up to the prior page to make sure, as her name is almost completely omitted in this entire scene).

Page 10 - Well, I know it's only a story, but no way would Elisa be "taking off" like this.  If she could walk at all, it would be very gingerly.

Wow...great ending!  Brutal!!

Well done over all and you definitely get a...

Great effort!

Grades

Challenge parameters - A

Script/Story/Execution - B+ (close to an A-, but too many writing mistakes)

Great story! Loved it. There are plenty of comments regarding writing/format so I won't even go there. So far it's #1 for me.

Perhaps I missed the reason for Gepetto's disdain on day two. Could it have been dementia? The closing scene will be a memorable one for me...thanks for that.

I'd love to see this one produced.

There's a couple of obvious recommends I've read thus far, but this I think is top of the pile.

I can't really be bothered with the grammatical/formatting issues that have been raised. It was a seamless read for myself, perfect pacing and no obvious typos, and while you could always go and iron everything out you may risk losing some of the magic on the page.

Exceptional work writer, my metaphorical cap has been dothed to thee.

Good title.

Yukky. Nasty stuff.

It's an easy read and a good execution from start to finish.

I'm not sure if the audience would like that whole "tearing kids apart" stuff. On the other side, Pinocchio is a "boy" too… so… regarding story, characters, structure, plotting, dialogue, emotions, and title the most complete script I read until now.  Horrible!!!

Pretty good so far.

Quoted Text Pinocchio’s nose suddenly GROWS -- stretches out a full inch in length. JULIET Look! His nose!

Wouldn't you know it? This is literally on-the-nose dialogue. (Did you do that on purpose? ) A simple "Look!" would suffice. We can see his nose; no need to spell it out. Plus, everyone nose knows the story of Pinocchio.

Had to Google "tendriled." My spell-check doesn't even recognize the word, but it does recognize "tendril."

A few orphans.

Careful with that axe, Eugene -- I mean, Pinocchio!

Quoted Text Elisa steps defensively in front [of] her sister. Bruno beside her, ears up, alert. PINOCCHIO Father’s asked me to fetch firewood. ELISA He is not your father[,] nor you his son. He is unwell, since mother died.

Pinocchio is made of wood and can't be around fire (or axes, for that matter); I'm not buying it, 'Nocch.

You have a few missing commas.

Quoted Text Pinocchio lurches forward, menace in his eyes.

The horror begins on page 5.

"Grow cross"?? Even Google is stumped.

To be continued. I'm gonna go watch the real Pinocchio vs. the real Fairy Godmother on CNN. Then I'll eventually read Jiminy Cricket's Tweets.

Yup,
For me,  the best read so far.  Fabulous pace. Just enough gore.  Great ending.

What no Jiminy Cricket?

I'm back. Pinocchio lost the Debate big time. Hillary won.

Anyway... I got no strings to hold me down, so let us continue my review:

Quoted Text The family at enjoys supper.

Active voice.

Just like Frankenstein, the creator rejects his creation.

You get right into the gore on p7. Nice!

Quoted Text ELISA Something[']s happened. Can you hear me, father? GEPPETTO I�m very tired.

You can maybe show Gepetto nodding off or yawning, heavy eyes. You can show tiredness visually. For example, I'm yawning like crazy! (Not your fault; long day, woke up early; no nap.)

You only need one exclamation point.

"BLACK." should be "CUT TO BLACK:" and right-aligned.

Quoted Text GEPPETTO (calling out) Elisa! Juliet!

We get it.

Wow. What a script! I loved it. I was genuinely engaged and genuinely terrified. This would look great filmed. It's got elements of Child's Play, Orphan (2009), Friday the 13th, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Manhunter and Silence of the Lambs (Those are the ones I can name off the top of my head).

You carved out a great script and I wood highly recommend it. Who nose what you could do with it? A+

Really enjoyed this entry.  I like the way you set up Geppetto's state of mind. And Pinocchio's bonding with his "father." Loved how the daughters, particularly the older girl, resented Pinocchio. This issue of being integrated into the family -- and rejected -- was well handled.
Man, I loved the darkness this way comes. And the ending was deliciously savage.

I think this little fella grows up to be Hannibal Lecter.
Best read thus far. Thank you.

Writer,

Writing here was great. You expertly set this all up, skillful and precise. Little things, too, like Bruno growling under the table. Memorable characters and not too many of them, all of their names I can recall.

Again, another script that's getting a lot of buzz so I wanted to make sure I read it before time runs out. Definitely worthy of a Rec.

Small nitpicks: I honestly can't understand why Pinocchio has this mirderous streak in him. I mean, yeah, I get it -- he wants to be a real boy. But, I think it would have done this story well to explain (briefly) how Pinocchio came to be in the workshop, and perhaps there was a failing in the workmanship, or Gepetto himself had made a pact with some evil forces to bring Pinocchio to life. And well, you know what happens when there are evil pacts? They always come with side effects, hence Pinocchio's murderous streak.

That's what I would've liked to see here. Just a little backstory to tie this all in. But no matter now -- it's fine the way it is. Congrats!

Steve

A few questions of admittedly small consequence:
1. Did Pinocchio ever get any clothes or was he running around naked all the time?
2. Where did Pinocchio come from? Did Gepetto carve him or did he just show up? I guess you implied Gepetto made him by saying God exerted his will through the old man's hands.
3. Were both girls stubborn? You described the younger daughter as stubborn in the intro but later Gepetto says the older daughter was the stubborn one.
4. How did the little guy kill Bruno and the girls? Oh, maybe the ax.
5. What was the sound "like nails on chalkboard" at the beginning?

Enough trivialities.

Several people have described this script as "superb." I think that's a bit much, but I do like it.
For some reason, it brings to mind an old radio bit that featured Charlie McCarthy and W.C. Fields:

FIELDS
Charles, when you're away, I feel a great vacancy...in my fireplace.

I liked this one a lot. Probably my favorite so far. I do think it could've benefited from more exploration of the character’s motivations and why they feel the way they do. The first scene is the weakest, imo, and in large part because it felt like every character’s feelings and motivations were being grafted on arbitrarily. Once the story continued, and I just sort of accepted it, things picked up.

I'm not sure you need two sisters in this. I'll admit I started to get a little disappointed when it devolved into a type of slasher movie, but the ending goes a long way to saving it. I just wonder if there's a more psychological/character driven way to get there.

There were moments I really liked in this.

The boy covered in flesh at the end, wasn't one of them- I would have guessed that before reading.

And that bothered me, which is a shame.

I have now read the comments above, and I'm alone on this, so it appears it's not an issue. I just felt the title and everything gave it away. Besides, the 'real boy' thing just throws up this image.

To be honest I read a Pinocchio story before this and two in a row don't help.

The father was interesting, almost betraying mental illness, but I also felt a bit abrupt with his reversals.

A toy turning evil because it's not loved anymore is a good turf to be on. But, Something didn't quite click for me.

Enjoyed this, was easy to read and well paced.

Not entirely sure Gepetto's motives were well explained in here and the sister's seem a little one dimensional.

But I enjoyed it.

Good effort

Very twisted and you did a great job painting the scenes, I could visualize every detail. Writing was solid and kept in the spirit of the horror genre.

Besides a few errors that have been covered in the above posts, I have to say this was an awesome read.

Pinocchio has been a favorite of mine as a child, thanks for ruining that for me  

This is a consider for me.

Best of the bunch I've read thus far, although a few issues.

Geppetto has two daughters. Not really a problem, per se, but it does seem to take away from his need to create a fake child in place of a real one. Maybe he always wanted a boy, although he doesn't seem to be unsatisfied or resentful of his daughters, so even if that were the case, there doesn't seem to be that classic feel of Geppetto filling a void.

Was confused by Geppetto's sudden turn against Pinocchio ("Make it stop speaking to me"). Did I miss something here? Or is the dude just crazy/grief-stricken?

Also, why blue intestine. Supposed to be cold or something? Pretty sure that ain't the color.

Good job. Congrats on entering.

Some notes.

I liked this one.  Liars who want to become something they're not. works for me.  It's a nice twist to an old tale.

Best
Richard

Very admirable writing, memorable characters and unforgettable scenes.  The image of Elisa, half broken herself, clinging to the foot of an oak tree as Pinocchio's nose creeps into view is dazzling.  Pinocchio, himself, carved from a pin oak...  It's the whole world as a nightmare come to life.

This quote from Geppetto:

"God hath made me his instrument. Through these trembling hands his divine will flows."

-  I think can not be ignored, or confined to the daughter's fear that Pinocchio is a work of the devil -- it is the artist, recognizing the life in the work of art as being independent from himself, which is maybe a sort of madness.  

Pinocchio's uncontrollable appetite is central to the story, but so are his need for love, his embarrassment and confusion, his insistence that he would never harm, his lies --  the character of Pinoccio overwhelms the family and the story which leads to heart break and tragedy, maybe madness.  I guess I loved the writing in this script so much I can't accept that death and destruction were necessary for the story.

In the Tempest, Prospero eventually says of the monster, Caliban, "This thing of darkness, I acknowledge mine."  And they all kind of live happily ever after.   Different story, I know.

I thought I commented on this one earlier... I guess not.

An excellent entry. Solid writing from start to finish.
We'll defined characters with great dialogue.

Pinocchio doing his best Hannibal Lector at the end.

Notes:
Elisa, strong cheek bones?  Is that necessary?  Maybe she’ll need them!  Must have had someone in mind when writing this character   

Page 7: Something’s happened.

Okay done.  That was some creepy awesomeness!  Holy crap!  Not much to say except I see what all the hype was from the others.  Yes I kind of figured the ending would be Silence of the Lambsesque, but still entertained the entire way there.  The descriptions, the action, dialogue, all of it worked.  Only the few things I mentioned and that’s it.  Good job!

Met Challenge?: Yes
Horror: OH YEAH!
Overall: Highly Recommend

Had a few minutes today to read and chose this one since people seem to agree it's one of the best in this OWC.

I loved it! I hate creepy ass dolls of any kind! Clowns too, for that matter.

I haven't read the story or seen the film in decades, so I don't really remember it exactly. I just remember that his nose grew every time he lied. I thin you wrote it in such a way that the reading was enjoyable and easy. The story itself definitely horror. I could predict what was going to happen to the girls when the dog disapperaed, but I didn't see the final twist coming. Great job!  

Congratulations Mark! You had my vote - Great work. Very high 'Creep' factor.

Thanks everyone for the kind words and helpful feedback.

Biggest critique was the characters are one dimensional and lacking clear motives. Totally agree. As someone who always harps on character depth I didn't do a very good job here. Will definitely work on fleshing them out more.

With regards to motive in particular, I was going to have Geppetto talk about how much he and his wife had always wanted a son but I just ran out of space. Was hoping the fact that he only had daughters and seemed so happy to finally have a son would imply he'd always wanted a boy. Apparently not. I'll make that more clear.  

Personally, I wouldn't worry about your characters being 1 or 2 dimensional.  Peeps should be able to read into things more, and sometimes, like in this script, it really doesn't matter all that much.

You had 10 pages and you used your space wisely, for the most part. You had  some very nice visuals and ended up on a high note.

Easily the best of the bunch and I'm glad you got the vote you deserved.

Great job here!

What is a 1 dimensional character, Jeff?

Nice work, Mark. I could tell the issue was the 10 page limitation. I really liked it better when you could go up to 12. That would have helped you a lot.

But great job!

Quoted from leitskev What is a 1 dimensional character, Jeff?

A 1 dimensional character is a character that has 2 less dimensions than a 3 dimensional character.

They also have 1 less dimension than a 2 dimensional character.  

Quoted from leitskev Nice work, Mark. I could tell the issue was the 10 page limitation. I really liked it better when you could go up to 12. That would have helped you a lot.

Me too.  An extra page or 2 makes a big difference sometimes.

Quoted Text Definitely the best so far. And I think I might call it early and say that this might win it.

Called it on the second post.

Congrats, no one is more deserving.

Congratulations, James.

You definitely hit the genre best and presented a gruesome story. I thought about that "character topic" all along this OWC. But I must admit that I'm simply not into horror and have no real understanding of the genre's conventions. In the end, I think it's cool that a script "succeeded" that wasn't so much on drama and motivations, and rather kept it real to the true genre.

Hey, I'm also glad that someone received the most votes who deeply engaged in reviewing and having invested lots of time to help others.

Congrats.

After reading I can see why. I have the feeling to explain a bit more but screw that lol. Sometimes leaving things in mystery is better. Explanations will be overkill for this. What I would say though is find another of revealing the "his nose gets longer for telling a lie". It's kind of odd on how he gives that info out.

Congrats again.

Gabe

Hey James,
     Very well done.  I just read this now, and while the ending was kinda given in the title, it was still well executed.  

I enjoyed it and can see why it won.  I'm gonna read a few more.  Sorry I wasn't around to enter or read them when votes still mattered, but, I'm here now and can read a few.

Very well done!!

Dan