Would Not Tell A Lie by Strings Attached

A wooden boy's desire to be real, leads him on a path to murder.

Short Fairy Tale Horror based on The Adventures of Pinoccio

**Spoilers**

So this started out great, but I'm guessing there was a lot of rushing to get it in.  There was some inconsistencies that, if they weren't there, this would be a good story.  I still think it is a good story, but I was lost.  

For instance:

OS is a struggle. The kitty cat girl SCREAMS. Gepetto grunts.

PRINCESS
Stop it!

I didn't see the Princess ever introduced.  Was this meant to be the Kitty?

Then:

This girl is dressed in a FAIRY PRINCESS costume. She is 8,
with dark hair and clutching a magic wand.

KITTY
Help me. Please.

Pinocchio stares at the fairy.

KITTY
Won’t you help me?

I was totally lost at this point.  I don't know where Kitty came from here.  I think you were mixing all the characters up, or maybe you're not and I'm just reading it wrong.

All in all, I liked it.  For some reason the yellow pages made me even more interested.  Clean it up and I think it's great.  

Nolan

This wasn't set up correctly but I see where it's going and there's a lot of promise here.

I really wish this flowed better and didn't involve a vampire.

I like the story behind it all but the execution of it wasn't on par.
The dialogue was on the nose and the action lines lacked spice, but it painted a clear picture.

My favorite of the 3 I've read so far.

Jordan

P.S. Lose the yellow pages.  I had to check and see if my browser was broken.  It's not.

This is a strong script, with evocative descriptions and interesting characters. I'm not that enthusiastic about the idea of making Gepetto into a Vampire Child Murderer, but this twist is handled effectively. I like the "framing" scenes, and, after reading many scripts in this competition full of blood and gore (including this one), it's nice that this tale has a happy ending...

I thought I was having a stroke when I started reading this. Seriously need to lose the yellow pages.

Not too bad, I quite enjoyed this. I'm not sure the vampire angle is necessary and vampires are so over done.

The writing is alright, but is OTN at times.

It’s a consider from me.

Yellow pages, sorry, just no

Spotted where this was going an soon as you said his nose got sharp, interesting idea.

Not sure you need the opening VO

Wasn't sure when/where this was set from a timeframe point of view, seemed odd to have a cowboy costume in a small Italian village and then Pinochio started on about Babe Ruth's guess it's reset

PRINCESS in dialogue, there isn't one up to now in the script?

Ah, I see you've mixed up your characters, you have a Princess in the next scene BUT call her Kitty... oops

A vampire who's reflection is in the mirror, feels a missed opportunity - check out the pacman scene in What we do in the Shadows

I must cut off your legs - not sure if it ws meant but that had me laughing.

And not sure why he'd let his leg get cut off before using his nose?

Liked the twist.

Good effort

Anthony

At least I know the story of Pinnochio.  I can actually go into this one with knowledge of the source material.  In fact, i considered this, but thought it stretch the challenged paremeters a bit.

As an appreciator of good puns, the title is kinda corny... eh, that's not fair, it might be perfect in the end.

yellow pages, eh?

that's a lot of dialogue to put over black.  

I'm catching a few typos, but I'll just let others point them out.  I just wanna read the story.

I appreciate the fact you set this in modern times, but at the same time, Gepetto still using wood to build Pinnochio now seems pretty archaic.  A nipick, but i feel like in the days of Baby Ruths, Gepetto would work with some better technological advances.

Who is Princess? where did a Princess come from?

oh there she is.  I would introduce her first.  her saying "Stop it" was confusing.  just seemed like a typo for Kitty Cat.

Now he's talking to Princess but the dialogue says Kitty.  man this is getting jumbled.  Why is she rhyming?  she supposed to be the blue fairy?  but she's just a captive kid, no?  i'm confused.

Now she's "Fairy" instead of "Princess?!"  Where's the consistency?  Come on man.  Did you read this over once?

I gotta say, on the surface i hate the idea of Gepetto being a vampire, but as expected it gave Pinnochio the perfect hero moment, so that was cool.

i wanted to say the father/son storytime framing device was unnecessary but i held off to see the payoff, and in the end, i thought it delivered nicely.

there's a lot to like here.  i still think you could have done a bit more with it, and obviously you need to proofread your submission next time.

a solid, albeit sloppy script.

Writer,

Pretty good. There was something about your set up that seemed a little off to me. Quite possibly could've been the way you described the workshop. Something, but I just couldn't get a clear image in my head where all this was taking place, where anyone was in the scene of and leading up to Gepetto's death. However, I freakin loved the ending. Possibly the best twist in the challenge so far. Really enjoyed it. I don't know if it brings this story to a Rec, but it's a solid consider.

Steve

Yellow pages?  Why?  Not good...

"A voice, strong and clear, breaks the reverie." - Completely unnecessary, as your dialogue tells us this.

Writing is good out of the gate.

Too many wrylies, too much dialogue with nothing happening onscreen.  A similar setup to a script I just read, with a father telling his son a fairy tale.

Again, writing is good, but far too many "sentences" could be included with prior with a comma, vs. a period, as commas tend to make the read easier on the eye.

Page 4 - A Baby Ruth bar?  What year is this taking place?

Page 5 - OS? HUH?  WTF?  And who is Princess?

Oh boy...things are falling apart.  What's with all the subject-less lines? Why write this way?  Don't!  Just don't do it.

Are Kitty and Princess mixed up?  I'm clueless.

Writing getting very awkward and stilted.

Good wrap up.

Too bad things got so bad, writing-wise.  This cold have been rally, really good, and I will throw out another..

Good Effort.

Grades

Challenge Parameters - B+

Script/Story/Execution - C+ (could have been much higher if you had spent more time editing this).

I really liked this story. You started nicely - it's a night time story - and I really liked the way you finished it, you showed why it's these people telling the story.

The story itself was very straightforward and strong. Your main character shines through. The story adds up, there's a steady build to it.

I was lost when you kept changing childrens names - Princess, Fairy... You'd call a girl "a girl" then switch to a "fairy"... Then you'd start a scene without telling us who's present in it - that was confusing. But no other grudges besides that.
The dialog was not super great and perhaps you can work on it some more to make it more memorable. But the dialog is good - all I'm saying it could have been more interesting and fun.

I didn't understand why the title. Don't think it gives us the essence what it's about.

Anyway, great job, I think.

An interesting read.

Yellow Pages hurt my eyes, but it was a good read.

The ending was predictable and I'm lost on a time period here.

Overall, a solid read with a few edits here and there could be great.
Good job.

Page 5 Who is Princess? I had to go back through the pages and still I can't find her.

I liked the twist and the ending was predictable but you did job with the story and the writing was clean.

I knew Gepetto was an evil bastard.

I've noticed how many times the yellow pages were mentioned... yeah not a good idea

I love the yellow paper. How did you do that? Great title. Great logline IMO.

PRINCESS...who is that? And then FAIRY? Who's that?

Anyway with a little confusion...great ending. I love this. Other than the character names confusing me, this was an awesome story!

One of the best in the challenge!

Messy execution, feels very rushed (probably was and an unfortunate bi-product of the OWC) but an enjoyable tale with a good twist. Some comments.

The yellow pages - some like it, others don't - I'm indifferent. My focus always primarily on the story.

The setup of reading the fairy tale to a child was dull, I didn't get why you went for this at all but then the twist at the end was great. I can see why you did it but if you could, make the beginning a bit more interesting - get the audience engaged from the very beginning. Don't sacrifice the beginning for the end.

I like how Gepetto was a mentally broken man in this. It really suited the original story. If you were so desperate to have a little boy that you would make one out of wood, this does suggest a bit of mental instability. Here you show Gepetto at his Nth degree, someone so desperate to make his boy real he's killing children and taking parts from them.

At least that's what I thought was happening. Turns out Gepetto is actually a Vampire - wtf? Honestly, I don't think you need that aspect at all.

This is the second Pinocchio story I've read in this OWC and the second to use his nose as a lethal weapon. That suggests this is an obvious option, try to think of something a little different.

I too got confused about the time period. In Gepetto's workshop it all seemed 19th century so I was brought out of the story when the current day Halloween kids turned up.

A very decent effort though, too many issues for a rec but I'll definitely consider this.

-Mark    

Yellow pages...I'll bet that's been spotted before.

Ok, let's think

We have Gelato, or whatever he's called, as a paedophile killer in the present day - who can snatch a kid on halloweeb[n from a pack without them being noticed - which a boy kills after losing his legs.

But then the suggestion is that the father was associated with this. Which makes me think why would a father tell that tale to a kid, and if not I still think the same.

As an aside princess and kitty got lo mixed up, I think.

Not quite there for me.

I kind of like the yellow. Reminds me of newspaper reporter paper from the old typewriter days.

Pretty well done in both story and writing. Yes, name mix-ups, but it wasn't hard to figure things out. The few awkward bits of writing looked to be a result of revising a sentence but forgetting to delete the old part.

Excellent ending. Overall, thumbs up.

I'm not one to rail on script format in recent years, but that yellow is an instant turn off for most readers -- this is on a totally different scale to unfilmables and the use of 'we' and whatever gripe people can muster, I've read a fair amount of scripts and I've never seen this, and I'm not entirely sure what it achieves. Any who, back to the script.

The dialogue blocks seem smaller than they should be, I'm not sure if that's my eyes playing tricks. Was this written in a program?

Well written, but unfortunately felt rushed towards the end. There's a certain something here that I quite liked -- the twist with Gepetto worked well, but it felt as if the writer was losing pages and had to wrap up the story fast. Gepetto's end comes too quickly and without actual logic, it's expected, yet doesn't have an effect or really much else to hold on to.

Another problem resides with Pinocchio, I think the story would greatly benefit if his presence was actually relevant in the script. For me, it feels as if it could've been any boy -- which is perhaps the biggest problem. There was a few things present that suggested a theme of being 'real' -- yet the freeing of the girl was never really related to that, which it should be. Otherwise, not a bad effort.

And they were all yellow...good news, this script is better than Coldplay! But then again, so's mine and it's taken a fair pounding.

I quite liked this one. Nice idea, a good twist on the original story, and a little bit of horror bit not enough to make me want to put it down. There's a couple of typos in there, and the story is doesn't flow too well in areas, but overall I think it worked.

After reading other comments now, I'm glad my monitor isn't broken but those were really orange pages. Second script I read now which takes the approach of one character telling another one a fairy tale. I just don't think this works as a film at all. It just covers 4/10 pages and adds nothing in my opinion.

The story itself - written well but it just seems like a weird reinterpretation of Pinocchio. A bit like turning Bambi into a bloodsucking beast. Some fairy tale characters just don't work as monsters, I guess. At least not for me. Interesting read after all and at least Pinocchio saved the day in the end.

I liked this one,

The sudden appearence of "Princess" had me confused for a moment but assumed you meant one of the girl's that came to the house.

I guessed Pinocchio was going to use his nose as a weapon to kill Gepetto  after knowing that Gepetto was a vampire (nice touch), but didn't expect that final twist at the end. Love the ending to this, will be a definite recommend from me, great job.

Not sure about the title - a simple logline, why not?

The pages are yellow on my reader. Should it be wooden perhaps?? Whatever, I'm going to overlook it and see what the message is here.

Ahh, what about that covert advertising??? M&M, snickers…  It was a fine read until then but such a decision distracts me from the story.

You got a qualified, interesting ending. In general, it's a sweet narrative, including some horror and darkness and a humanistic angle as well.

I enjoyed it pretty much and felt entertained all along.

Notes:
Yellow pages!?  Not sure if I like that or not.  Writing starts good enough.  All of the specific candies is going to “eat” at your budget!  

Page 4:
curly blonde hair and holding a bag of candy in the other. Her wears a kitty face paint.
?? Her hair holds a bag of candy?  Her wears??  I know it’s a OWC, but fix this as soon as you can.

Page 5:
Who the hell is PRINCESS?  Never introduced?  Then, you have Kitty girl lifeless in Gepetto’s arms and then screaming, then you have her speaking to Pinocchio?  I’m confused!

Page 9:
Mom comes in the room right after Son speaks then you said he was asleep.  Maybe a slug before that description indicating it’s later.

Okay done.  It wasn’t bad, it wasn’t good.  Thought there were too many mistakes and the story was lost with the Kitty girl and the Princess girl.  At least, that’s me.  Good job completing this.  

Met Challenge?: Yes
Horror: Some.
Overall: Pass

Title is different.

When the other reviews mentioned yellow pages, I thought they were talking about The Yellow Pages phone book.

You should have started with a BLACK SCREEN slug.

Nice, quick setup of Pinocchio and "his curse."

P5 and right into the horror.

I think you're getting the Kitty and the Princess mixed up.

When you re-introduce Princess, call her Fairy Princess, as before, for consistency's sake.

Quoted Text GEPETTO What could you do to me, little girl? Huh?

"Oh[,] please."

Quoted Text Looks into Pinocchio’s eyes [one] last time

Ah! Nice twist! I thought the boy was gonna be Pinocchio.

*SPOILER*

The boy's father is Pinocchio! Unless, of course...



Despite the Kitty/Princess SNAFU, I give this a recommend. A-