The Kline Manor Pledge by Baltis Sinclair Schuller (baltis.) - Short, Horror - Plagued with a laundry list of tasks, Dylan Yaegle will make his final pledge tonight... But he might not make it out alive. - pdf, format

'Plauged?'  Christ Almighty, Balt, can't you even use a spellchecker in your logline, you goat ball-sucking bastard?


SPOILER SPACE

I was actually a little disappointed with this story, Balt.  A couple of people go into a supposed haunted house only to discover that the stories were true?  I expected something more original than this from you.

Despite this, I thought the story was well told and you developed and used the characters nicely.  Dylan, relying on his list, proved to be an interesting character.  He had a reason to actually be in the house, rather than the this house is supposed haunted; let's see if it's true, even though I'm too old to believe in this shit excuse.

I'm not sure what Lindsay's motivation was in all this.  There wasn't any chemistry between her and Dylan; they weren't a couple.  They were barely friends.

And Hal?  Why would a fraternity want a homeless guy in a wheelchair at all?  I know you needed one in the script.  But why did you need one in the story?


Phil

Baltis,

I'd agree with Phil that this story has a very familiar feel to it, with the three people venturing into the local haunted house.  Of course, it's a formula that often works, and it does here, for the most part.  You gave us the creepy backstory, the visceral shocks and the ironic ending.  I do wish you had gotten them inside the manor much sooner.  They don't get in until page 5, halfway through the story.  I think you could have used those pages to go a little deeper into the father killing the railroad workers, which would have set up the ending better, IMO.

I took Hal to be comic relief.  I mean, they're pushing a drunk old hobo in a wheelchair.  Not a bum, mind you.  A hobo.  

Loved this gem:

"Drunk, wheelchair
ridden, hobo...Check."

I'll be quoting that for weeks.  Anyway, a solid entry.  And you have a very spare, visual writing style.  What you write, I see in my head, and in screenwriting I think that's half the battle.

Ryan

Quoted from dogglebe 'Plauged?'  Christ Almighty, Balt, can't you even use a spellchecker in your logline, you goat ball-sucking bastard? SPOILER SPACE I was actually a little disappointed with this story, Balt.  A couple of people go into a supposed haunted house only to discover that the stories were true?  I expected something more original than this from you. Despite this, I thought the story was well told and you developed and used the characters nicely.  Dylan, relying on his list, proved to be an interesting character.  He had a reason to actually be in the house, rather than the this house is supposed haunted; let's see if it's true, even though I'm too old to believe in this shit excuse. I'm not sure what Lindsay's motivation was in all this.  There wasn't any chemistry between her and Dylan; they weren't a couple.  They were barely friends. And Hal?  Why would a fraternity want a homeless guy in a wheelchair at all?  I know you needed one in the script.  But why did you need one in the story? Phil

Thanks for the read, Phil.  I wrote the log line on my damn phone, and no it didn't have spell check.  Makes me mad.  Please overlook it everyone.  Or, unless someone will change it for me.  "hint" ... "hint"  


The story, at its core, is an old story my uncle would tell us as kids... Well, kinda within the page limit.  The papers were suppose to have been explained better, and will be in the longer version -- The rail workers would lay them out to lay on the to wait out the rain.  The house, not named Kline Manor in real life, stands to this day in Waterloo, a town that is about 2 miles from my old house where i grew up.  Long back story I won't get into here, but I cut much out of this script, believe me.

I, again, didn't have enough pages to establish the reasons why Lindsay and Hal were along for the ride-- Other than, it's a frat and they had strange expectations.  I mean, a drunk wheelchair ridden Hobo... C'mon, how are you gonna land one of those?  The funny thing is/was, Dylan did.  That is why I had him check off the Virgin and the Hobo at the start of the script.  Again, a very big piece of the script is actually missing I feel.  But due to page restraints it had to be this way.

I do disagree with one thing, Lindsay and Dylan will have chemistry in the final script... It kind of grows over the course of the night.  We kind of touch on it with their hallway banter but couldn't go all into it.   I think you can kind of see a little something between them, though.

Phil you helped me a great deal on the comedy I sent ya and told me exactly what was wrong with it and what needed to change and I took it to heart and am applying that advice in spades.  I'll do the same here.  Thank you for your time above all else.

Even though the concept and overall story wasn't original, I liked it.

It's my 4th script read and currently my favourite. Well written and a strong visual sense. I thought Dylan was funny and I disagree with dogglebe about the chemistry. It worked for me.

I dislike films that make open references to horror films in the dialogue. It seems really cheesy to me and I thought I was going to hate this script from that point on. But I was surprised I didn't.

Well done.

I had high hopes going into this and while it was told well enough and there were some cute little in-jokes thrown in - like Hal Ween.  Ultimately, the story was nothing new.  

You have a good writing style but in this script it seemed a bit stiff to me. I think it could use to be more relaxed.

Overall I think you did a good job and congrats on completing the challenge.

A-ha! I knew there' d be an obligatory Texas Chain-Saw Massacre joke in at least one of these!

This was not bad, but it's not amongst my favorites of the Challenge. Your writing is good but a little too novel-like, only barely finding the fine balance between being concise and being rich in description.

It was fairly by-the-numbers. The technical aspects of the script and the characters' dialogue were what worked out best for it. The ending kind of reminded me of The Shining.

All three characters were enjoyable to read/would be enjoyable to watch.

I liked it. In fact, I don't think there's been a single entry I haven't enjoyed so far -- gets me in the Halloween spirit. Oops. Broke the rule.

--Julio

Baltis, I hate to say it but I'm just not sure I liked this one.  Seems like alot of these scripts, problably mine as well, are falling into a category of "I've seen this movie a hundred times before".   Kline Manor had that same affect on me.  Deja vu.  Guess I was expecting more.   On a positive note, you had a few good one-liners that made me chuckle.   Congrats on completing the challenge.  I know you worked hard on it.

Of the scripts I've read so far this is probably the best horror. Tension is built well and I think it would work well on screen.

I liked the little jokes, nods to the challenge. The start went on a little too long for me - I know you would fix this up after the challenge when you could extend the whole script, but for me, for the challenge, I would have cut some of the dialogue and got them into the Manor earlier.

The script doesn't seem all that original but I liked that you created a whole legend and all that. With an extension I think you could make this more your own by explaining more of the legend. I didn't understand the end though with the newspaper headlines predicting what happened or the fully restored Kline Manor.

Solid entry.

Ste

Can you copyright a title? I dunno, but you can put a © on the end and hey presto, it stands out more than a II does. Good title an' all. Kudos on that one.

See we both went for the older man in the chair. Great minds, and fools etc.

Some great dialogue. I'm avoiding other comments as I've too much to read today. Take it they've told you about the typos. Easy done. Don't bother me that much. It's rare you read a script where there isn't some clear typo of some sort.

Some good dialogue. Check etc. More of a classic horror than I expected.

The sign on page five made me laugh. That's a good one. Very good.

I hate the use of the word proactive. I'll only let you off as you're an American. And huge. Any brits or irish using it will get the abuse they deserve.

Overall it's good, in the classic horror sensibility. I can tell you put the work in, the sign, the characters. Not a lot I can fault. Good read, and good work.

R ox

Baltis,

Finally, I get to read a recent work of yours written in  a OWC. Good solid story, well written. Only one work faux paus worth mentioning: "proactive" s/b "provocative." I do appreciate the thoughtful reviews you've been posting.

Gary

Very enjoyable read, and very clever dialogue.  Maybe could give Hal a little more to do and say.  

Definitely got a chuckle out of Hall Ween. Think you spent too much time trying to get them into the manor. If you'd have made it quicker, you'd have more pages to build tension.

This was just okay for me. I like your writing, though a bit too descriptive at times for my taste. problem was I never really got why the manor was so evil. Obviously the man who's daughter was raped was part of it. Just didn't understand how.

I just didn't get much tension out of this. Again, fine writing. Congrats on the OWC.

James

So is this actually a true story Balt or an urban legend? The part about the guy killing 16 railworkers for raping his daughter. Either way, nice little story, and well written.

Are we so sure that Lindsay is still a virgin though? I mean I thought there was some chemistry between her and Hal and wondered if he slipped her a quick one when Dylan wasn't looking. Those studious, nerdy looking girls are always the ones you have to keep an eye on.

I kept waiting for the hobo to pull out his shotgun, but it didn't happen. In spite of that, this was a good solid entry overall.

Cheers,
Tim.

BSS,

Pretty much with everyone else. Very high quality writing, decent story. The length some of these 'nocks' (nerd/jocks) go to for acceptance is funny and you touch on that here.

Everything worked logically and as a standard haunted house scenario, you pretty much covered all the bases.

Good enough, but the story didn't feel comparable to your evident abilities.