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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2010 One Week Challenge  ›  The Unconquered - OWC
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  Author    The Unconquered - OWC  (currently 5003 views)
Don
Posted: October 18th, 2010, 7:46pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Unconquered by Khamanna Iskandarova (khamanna) - Short, Horror - A young girl and her disabled boyfriend have to spend a night in an abandoned house, known to awaken evil in the living. - pdf, format


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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
bert  -  October 18th, 2010, 9:16pm
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khamanna
Posted: October 18th, 2010, 8:42pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Don for posting!

And Bert, thanks for all the logline corrections I asked for

Revision History (1 edits)
khamanna  -  October 18th, 2010, 9:12pm
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 18th, 2010, 10:02pm Report to Moderator
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Khamanna,  I think you did a good job overall. I probably would have tightened up the last page a little, but overall, I didn't think it was too bad for the OWC. I liked how you handle your descriptions well without having to resort to playing interior decorator. There is a point and purpose for things, and while the short didn't really wow me, it's a decent effort.

Aside from two errors (easy fixers) the only real complaint I have is that moron Louis. First to die. No big loss to society at large. I am okay with the way folks go out though, kind of like a 'Final Destination' vibe where "freak accidents" do all kinds of bone breaking- coffin humor  gruesomeness.

The two errors:

Greg brings both hands to his head. She sits on his lap, runs her fingers through his hair.


Replace "she" with Clara.


They are bright blue as always. She bend to him, gives him a kiss.

"As always" is more "tell" (in my view) than "show". I get that you imply that this is a close up of Greg's face without calling for it though. That's good. Also, "bends".

Still, a favorable effort.
And gosh, Louis was a total moron!
Keep writing +cheers
DjS


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
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greg
Posted: October 18th, 2010, 10:59pm Report to Moderator
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Khamanna,

I've never heard the word "pious" before.  I think I'm gonna use that.

I thought your concept was very cool and figured I was in for more of a psychological horror piece, where the main characters mentally fall apart as the story progresses.  That said, it seemed like more of a typical people going into a haunted house on a dare type thing.  Louis was a dick and was asking for it, so I'm not really sure it was the house that brought out the worst in Greg.  Likewise, when Louis died (and when Clara fell on her face) I didn't feel the reactions were warranted enough.  It just seemed like "oh, he/she fell.  Damn."  I think that also ties into the dialogue which seemed kind of lacking to me.  "Killed your own girlfriend?  Too bad or I was gonna do her.  Tonight."  Just didn't ring well.

I did like the ending, though.  Probably one of the few "happy" endings of the challenge, so it was refreshing to see.  As I said, I think your concept is good and I think some revisions could make this much better.  

Good job.

Greg


Be excellent to each other
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screenrider
Posted: October 18th, 2010, 11:29pm Report to Moderator
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Khamanna,

This was an interesting concept.  But honestly, I had a hard time getting into the story.   Maybe it's because I'm tired, but the dialogue between these teenagers just didn't seem believable.  It felt forced, mechanical.   Maybe I'll reread it tomorrow when my mind is fresh.   Good job on completing an entry, though.  Not an easy task.  
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stevie
Posted: October 19th, 2010, 3:18am Report to Moderator
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Hi Khamanna.
I had to read this twice to get a feel for it, though I was tired the first time.

I dunno...the writing is precise and evokes a good atmosphere for the challeng. But I feel you didn't really get a grip on the stroy you wanted - it seemed to meander along.
I liked the ghost sutff, or afterlife or whatever they were.

Maybe you could have something to indicate years gone past and every generation the house 'takes' new kids. Does that make sense?

Anyway good job on completing the challenge!

stevie



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rendevous
Posted: October 19th, 2010, 5:05am Report to Moderator
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I usually mention the title and logline, as I think they are more important than people make it. They're usually the reason I decide to read something, or not.

Yours is good, K. Not sure about the logline. Think it should be two sentences. Never mind. I'm still gonna read it.

Weird sentence here

Quoted from TU
The front door is so low that it seems to start off the ground.


That is a weird one. I know what you mean. jarring. I don't know whether to tell you to change it, or to use it again. I'm weird like that. Sometimes it's those sentences which stick with a reader.

Good reference to the weather from Greg. Unexpected.

I see you nicked my thin legs for wheelchair man. Of course you didn't. That's my story.

Your story is good. Well written. Room for improvement, but there always is.

I think the standard for this OWC is higher than previous. I'm seeing lots of great writing and ideas. This was among them.

If anything it could have done with some trimming. But I always say that. Keep at it. You never know.

R xo


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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grademan
Posted: October 19th, 2010, 9:39am Report to Moderator
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K,

Not bad. Not bad The dialogue could be smoothed out a bit. "Let's do it. For the money." is an early example that reads clunky. "slide nod" s/b "slight nod" Enough for the format police. The ending was anti-horror and that's okay,..

But, to tell you the truth, i wanted to see how BAD things could get. That's what I expected when I read the logline and the first few pages.

GARY
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dogglebe
Posted: October 19th, 2010, 9:45am Report to Moderator
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I'm very on the fence with this one.  The story was interesting enough (though a little confusing) but it didn't really have too much horror going for it.

One thing that I don't understand--

--SPOILER SPACE--

is how Clara and Greg are spirits trapped in the house, but the story starts outside the house.  If they repeat this every year, why not just not go in?

The fact that Clara and Greg seem to happy that they scared off other people kinda bothered me, too.  While I understand that they're happy to have others away, thus preventing them from sharing their fate, they're still stuck in the house for all eternity.  Not really a high-five moment.


Phil
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: October 19th, 2010, 10:10am Report to Moderator
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Khamanna,

Congrats on completing the challenge!
It was refreshing to see this type of ending to your story.
All too often during this challenge the entries skew in the other direction.
Overall I felt the ending, despite the good tone, felt very rushed.
I like your plot but felt it fell short in the dialogue department.
I did not believe these teenagers would talk like that. It did not ring true.
On page 4, who is Sara? Did you mean Clara?
I did not get a strong sense of your antagonist or why the house was evil.
The tone of the violence felt very overwrought, the reactions seemed off.
Louis was a total jerk before he even got to the house, I was glad to see him go.
Greg and Clara are a nice couple, good work. Thanks for the post!

Regards,
E.D.


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khamanna
Posted: October 19th, 2010, 1:19pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the comments!

@DjS - I'll correct those mistakes, tighten the piece a bit, thanks for an extra push. And you liked it! Don't take it back, you already said so.

@Greg - I picked "pious" from someone's script too. This and many other words AND expressions So while you all are writing I'm borrowing. Thanks for the read, I'm glad you liked it some.

@stevie and @screenrider - thans for the read. What can I do... it is what it is. Maybe next time...

@rendevous - thank you. The sentence shall immediately go! Gone already. I'll read your comment on bad days...

@grademan, @doglebe - I was thinking of different ending at first --them on the floor and the headline "A couple killed each other after murdering their best friend" --something like that. That would mean that the house changes people and it got to them too. But I can't stand bad endings. I wrote a short that ended bad once and never submitted it anywhere. I would like the bad ending for this one too though. For one thing - it would help the flow.

strangely everyone (almost) commented on ending one way or the other.

@Electic Dreamer - thanks, I'll work on the dialog and on the reactions. Someone else noted that too.



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Baltis.
Posted: October 19th, 2010, 5:51pm Report to Moderator
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Everything here was really interesting and held my attention throughout... Everything except one thing.  One of the most important things to me -- CHARACTERS, and with that ---> DIALOG!

I think the story works.  I think the writing was good.  I just think the dialog is too stiff and robotic.  Not only would Teenagers not talk like this but I don't think Wally Beaver would either.

I think that is the one thing you have to work on.  Dialog.  Everything else was pretty damn good.
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jwent6688
Posted: October 19th, 2010, 6:58pm Report to Moderator
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Meh, can't say I liked this one much Khamanna. Never felt any real tension. Dunno why that guy was paying them money to stay there if they were already ghosts. Guess he could just see them?

I didn't get the ending either. What was their motivation for feeding the house if it killed them too? Why was it that what they said made the house scream. Getting passed my bedtime. Maybe I'm just a hair tired.
Writing was okay. Lots of typos. Some awkward sentences. Anywho, Good job writing a script in a week that actually fit all the requirements.


James


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c m hall
Posted: October 20th, 2010, 11:03am Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS

This turned out to be a very charming story -- wonderful character development, very satisfying to hear what happens to Lous (I think).
The change in tone between the beginning and the end works very well, there's so much energy in the ending.
Possibly the beginning could have a little more conversation between the young couple; their despair and their youth could be emphasized, maybe.
Very enjoyable to read this piece.
Oh, and wonderful title!
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 20th, 2010, 6:58pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats on completing an OWC script, Khammanna.

I actually read this a few days ago, and decided against posting what I had written.

Bottom line is that this did not work for me at all. It started out OK, but quickly fell downhill.

The dialogue was really bad, IMO.  Really unbelievable.  The characters, actions, and reactions also didn't work for me.  Again, completely unrealistic.  The premise itself makes zero sense.

Good effort, though.
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